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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel offended about having my regional accent mimicked at work?

116 replies

Ballet123 · 12/07/2015 11:04

I've NCd for this as hope to not be identified. Will also change a few details for the same reason.

Basically, a couple of years ago, one woman at work began mimicking my regional accent in front of me. (Obviously it's from a different region from where I'm currently working, though same country). She has continued to do so, and only does it when there is at least one other person with us, not just her and me. She usually has a conversation with the other person, in my presence, using my accent. A couple of othe people have recently started replying to her using my accent too.

I'm not sure if I'm being very over sensitive (hence why posting on here), but I actually find it quite offensive and am sick of it. I just wouldn't do it to someone else, regardless of whatever the accent was.

I suspect she thinks that I haven't realised she's doing it and thinks she's making fun of me 'behind my back' because I've never mentioned it or acknowledged it. I know it's partly my fault for letting it continue, but I hate confrontation and also I don't know if it would sound petty to ask her to stop doing it. But, honestly, it's starting to get me a bit down and self conscious of soaking at work.

What do you think I should do, and AIBU?

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 12/07/2015 17:26

It is literally silencing you, isn't it? If you know you're going to be imitated, you tend not to say anything so as to avoid it. Don't let her do that to you.

PurpleHairAndPearls · 12/07/2015 17:28

Op, you can do this. Just think about how relieved and proud you will be when you have done it.

I wouldn't do it in front of other people as it may turn into a "conversation".

Why don't you practise one sentence such as "I've noticed you have been mimicking my accent for some time and would be grateful if you would stop it thank you". Practise it so you are ready, deliver it, and walk away.

You've built this up much bigger than it needs to be (and I mean that kindly not meanly).

Please do it. Then come and report and we will congratulate you and you will be relieved and happy

MarshaBrady · 12/07/2015 17:28

Yanbu it is rude.

I had this with one person when I first started work in London. I asked him to stop, I did not like it at all. I remember feeling so irritated and yes a bit upset by it.

PurpleHairAndPearls · 12/07/2015 17:30

Great minds Imperial Grin

Cmon op, the Power of Mumsnet commands you!

Meow75 · 12/07/2015 17:43

There can be no denial from her if the next time it happens, (I would) say "Look, enough is enough with the mocking of my accent. I am now asking you to stop after hoping that you would get bored with it and stop naturally."
Should sort it. Makes it clear you have always been aware, and are now doing something about it.

DadfromUncle · 12/07/2015 17:51

What the hell is a regional accent anyway? All accents are from some region or another. I assume this is in the South.....

Viviennemary · 12/07/2015 17:54

You should report her. It's bullying and not acceptable. Put in a grievance to personnel. Don't get involved in game playing. That's my advice.

YesIAmAMan · 12/07/2015 17:57

Mention it to other people at work that you do feel comfortable talking to, not a manager at this stage, that could get out of hand quickly. Let those people know how upsetting you find it and that you don't know if it's intentional or not but it's making you feel upset at work. People on the same level talk to each other. After mentioning it to say 3 people in private word will spread. The hope would be enough people know it upsets you that when she does it someone will pick her up on it or have a quiet word about it to her, in which case if she is a decent person you will probably get a private apology. Try this approach and if in a month or so it hasn't stopped completely then you can look at mentioning it yo management off hand in a 1-2-1 or just get the courage to say directly to her when she does it "I know your not meaning to be mean but when you mimic my accent like that it upsets me, that may sound strange to you, and I'm not even sure why but it does. Could you try stop? please?"

ltk · 12/07/2015 18:12

I agree that you should simply confront her the next time it happens. In front of witnesses is great. You do not need great timing or perfect words. Just something honest that says out loud what she is doing and that you find it insulting. Be very sure to state exactly what she is doing so that everyone knows what is happening. "I want you to stop mimicking my accent. I find it insulting." That's it. No games and no guessing. You have nothing to be worried about. If she denies it, just say, "You are mimicking my accent. It is insulting." No anger and no fear, much as you can manage, but really don't stress over the delivery. The important thing is that you get the super clear message out there. Then if it happens again, email her and cc a manager with the exact same words, saying you have asked her to stop and it is continuing. You can do this. And I bet that if you do, you will be much quicker to stand up for yourself the next time.
Your fear is that you will create an uncomfortable situation but you will actually create an atmosphere where you are respected.

ltk · 12/07/2015 18:14

Oh, if you can stop yourself, avoid saying please. You should not ask nicely for basic respect. Calmly, not nicely.

Original poster
Ballet123 · 12/07/2015 18:17

Yes Imperial, I think you've got it. I do feel silenced and avoid speaking in front of her, at least when there is someone else present.

Probably worst case scenario is that I would say my bit, make it clear, then she would reply something back to me in my accent, with her friend there to laugh. I'd just feel so humiliated, even though I shoukdnt need to.

OP posts:
charmed86 · 12/07/2015 18:27

Have you asked her to stop yet?

I work outside the region of my accent and people copy mine all the time. In turn, I copy theirs. I would be mortified (and I am sure they would be too) if they found it upsetting or offensive.

If you have a good relationship with them outside of this issue, just have a word and say you find it upsetting.

freshandminty · 12/07/2015 18:28

I think your best option is to report her. Some of the suggested responses are hilarious but if your not confrontational and do not feel comfortable answering her back then you should not have to. It is not your responsibility to put a stop to bullying in the workplace, it is the manager's.

Optimist1 · 12/07/2015 18:37

Slightly similar to spottypjs above, I'd probably wait till the two of them are indulging in this childish behaviour and say something like "Can I ask a question? Why do you two do that terrible Welsh accent all the time? I don't quite get the joke." (insert any accent that isn't yours and keep a straight face).

GoringBit · 12/07/2015 18:58

Her behaviour is rude and belittling - would she do this if you had an Indian or Nigerian accent? No. And she shouldn't be doing it to you. It's bullying and victimisation, and she's way out of line.

Tackle her head-on (not a happy prospect for you, I know), but also keep a diary of all incidents, so that you can escalate the matter to your line manager, if she doesn't stop.

Good luck, stay strong, and channel your inner MN warrior.

JeanSeberg · 12/07/2015 19:04

Start to keep a note of every time it happens then go to your manager. Include what she said and who else was there.

The basis of the grievance procedure is that everyone has the right to be treated with respect and dignity at work which isn't happening here.

DoesItReallyMatter · 12/07/2015 19:35

If you go with the direct approach of simply telling her you don't like it and asking her to stop and she tries denying it or minimising it you should not get into any sort of discussion with her. You should just keep repeating that you would like her to stop.

OP. I don't like the fact that you mimic my accent. It embarrasses me and I want you to stop doing it please

Work collegue I didnt think you minded?

OP Can you just stop doing it

Work collegue Why did you laugh along with it? I thought you found it funny

OP I want you to stop doing it

..etc etc.
The last thing you want to do is to get into a discussion about it.

BrowersBlues · 12/07/2015 20:02

If the conversation gets tricky just turn and walk away. Then tell your manager.

sykadelic · 12/07/2015 20:11

Have you considered an e-mail so that you have a trail? Either e-mail or in person I'd try something like: "X, I wanted to talk to you about mimicking my accent. I really don't think you're doing it to be offensive, or perhaps you don't even realise you do it, but I've noticed that it happens when we're around other people. I really don't like it and I would appreciate it if you would stop. It feels like you're mocking me and I find it really hurtful."

Aside from talking to her solo or emailing her, I think you also need to have a response ready if, after you've spoken to her, she does it again in front of people.

You: X, I asked you [yesterday/last week] not to mimic my accent. It's offensive and insulting.
X: But I'm only joking
You: At my expense, which I don't appreciate and I find insulting. Please stop
X: It's a joke, not an insult.
You: I find it insulting, therefore it's not a joke. Again, please stop.

ImperialBlether · 12/07/2015 20:21

I think an email is a really good idea. You have proof you've asked her. You can stay calm. You can send a copy to someone else if you want to, with or without her knowing. She will have to respond - if she responds in any other way than with an apology, go to your line manager.

Original poster
Ballet123 · 12/07/2015 20:33

Hmm, I do quite like the email idea. Partly because it means I will definitely get my words out how I want them to, and partly because it does create a paper trail, as you mentioned.

Anyone else think this is a good approach? I will probably steal your wording for it, sykadelic.

OP posts:
BrowersBlues · 12/07/2015 20:41

An email is a great idea and if you are more comfortable with it just go for it. Sky's wording is spot on. Let us know how it goes.

EnlightenedOwl · 12/07/2015 20:43

Yes and it gets me down

kickassangel · 12/07/2015 20:46

A email sounds good. Something like:
I have noticed that you often attempt to use a ... Accent when speaking near me, and that some of your friends have started to do it as well. I am sure that you are aware that mimicry can be upsetting and offensive. Please do not continue to do this I do not like hearing my accent being mimicked, it sounds as though you are attempting to laugh at me and how I speak.

I am sure you won't deliberately continue to upset me, and that this will be the last time I need to address this with you.

PurpleHairAndPearls · 12/07/2015 20:50

The email is a good one, but I still think face to face initial approach is better. I think it would actually help your self confidence immensely to approach her and even just at the one sentence and walk away. I thunk if she doesn't stop and management /HR have to get involved, it is better if you can say you spoke directly to her in the first instance.

Maybe I am old fashioned though, this is entirely possible!