To feel offended about having my regional accent mimicked at work?

[Ballet123]

I've NCd for this as hope to not be identified. Will also change a few details for the same reason.

Basically, a couple of years ago, one woman at work began mimicking my regional accent in front of me. (Obviously it's from a different region from where I'm currently working, though same country). She has continued to do so, and only does it when there is at least one other person with us, not just her and me. She usually has a conversation with the other person, in my presence, using my accent. A couple of othe people have recently started replying to her using my accent too.

I'm not sure if I'm being very over sensitive (hence why posting on here), but I actually find it quite offensive and am sick of it. I just wouldn't do it to someone else, regardless of whatever the accent was.

I suspect she thinks that I haven't realised she's doing it and thinks she's making fun of me 'behind my back' because I've never mentioned it or acknowledged it. I know it's partly my fault for letting it continue, but I hate confrontation and also I don't know if it would sound petty to ask her to stop doing it. But, honestly, it's starting to get me a bit down and self conscious of soaking at work.

What do you think I should do, and AIBU?

Thanks for the new replies. Sorry others have suffered in a similar way.

I'm really not sure how to play it now. I had kind of decided to mention it to a nice manager and ask her to have a discreet word, to say that I'm well aware that she is mocking me and that I find it offensive and it needs to stop. This manager isn't particularly senior, but still at the level above me and the other colleague. Partly because this nice manager is leaving the company very soon and when she leaves, I'm not sure if I'll feel comfortable speaking to the other managers about it, especially as one is very pally with the woman who has upset me.

Now, on reflection, given what some of you have said, I wonder if it would look better coming from me first. Otherwise I might seem a bit pathetic for not fighting my own battles and running to tell a grown up to resolve it fri me.

Just the thought of bringing it up makes me feel sick, even if it's just 1:1. Remember, there have been many occurrences of her mimicking me over the last couple of years and not once have I plucked up the courage to so much as give her a rolled eyeballs look or anything, I just find any kind of confrontation really tricky. If she denies it (which I suspect she would if it was just the two of us) I might get upset which only makes me look unprofessional.

Its so hard to know what to do for the best!

'But she never said anything'
'It was just a joke, how was I suppoed to know?'
'God, she's such a bitch, reporting me over a silly joke, she laughed about it too...'

All nasty, possible responses from this unpleasant women.

You need to tell her to stop, politely and calmly, before you take it further.

The time to do is straight after she's imitated you.

Just say then, "Why do you keep imitating me?" Then say nothing at all and wait for her to reply.

If she says something about "only joking" then just say, "I don't think anyone likes to be imitated, do they?" and walk away.

If she does it again, then you have to take it further. It's bullying.

I would say just keep it really simple (and professional) - but do it in front of witnesses so that if she does it again, other people will know you have already asked her to stop.

How about next time she does it in front of others, you just say as calmly (even bored) as possible, "Charlene*, can you just stop that please, the joke's wearing a bit thin" and then move on to whatever you were discussing.

If she acts like she doesn't know what you mean you can just say "You know, the accent thing...". Then in future she can't claim she didn't know you wanted her to stop, and if you have to call her on it again, other people can back you up. (Also make sure that if you do have to raise it again, you make it clear you already asked once - at that point you could reasonably get a bit steely about it!).

This way you keep looking professional, you've not done anything she could object to, but she's the one who ends up looking unreasonable.

OP I think you should do it yourself. By taking to a manager you are ducking out of your responsibility to stick up for yourself. I hope you don't think I am being harsh but you need to learn how to deal with confrontation and this would be an ideal scenario.

You could pop over to her desk and be friendly and just say 'I find it offensive when you mimic my accent and would appreciate if you could stop'. Say thanks and walk away. If it continues go to management.

This is only my view. When I turned 40 a few (lot) years ago I realised it was high time to start sticking up for myself and start saying what I wanted to say. It was the most liberating thing that happened to me and I just love saying no or stating what I want. I mightn't get it but I am not scared to say it.

I would love you to experience that. According to my teenagers I am bossy so ignore me if you like. Good luck whatever route you choose.

Yes, Hag, that's one thing I'm afraid of. Although of course it's annoying that she's doing it at all, somehow I feel that she would be less likely to deny it if the manager spoke to her about it. Just a feeling I have. If the manager spoke to her, I think her response would be surprise that I realised she was actually mocking me, and that I was particularly upset by it.

I'm dreading the prospect of speaking to her about it. If I do, I'll keep it to the bare minimum to reduce likelihood of me getting upset and to ensure she can't accuse me of being bitchy. I'll just say that I find it offensive the way she mocks my accent and it needs to stop, then walk away.

Feel so sick just at the prospect of doing that that I'm going to check out local job vacancies to get away from the situation instead now!

If you do approach her and she denies it just say 'I am asking you to stop' and walk away with your head held very high.

You make it sound so easy, Blues, and if I do find the courage I will use those exact words. You do have a point.

There's no way I can do it front of other people, as she may claim and get them to back her up that I'm being paranoid. She only ever mimics me in the presence of others, never just the two of us alone. Most of the time I get on with her ok. Not a friend, exactly, as we are very different, but we've never fallen out and have had normal conversations etc.

Please don't move jobs. You can do it and it will be an enormous achievement. The conversation will take 30 seconds and you will have found a lifelong skill.

I think you need to be brave, and doing it politely in front of other people means that her response will be muted by the fact there's an audience.
Running away to another job nmay not help, there are snreaky bullies in all walks of life, and as an adult, it's a necessary life skill to stand up for yourself and have the courage to do so.
Have you got children? It's something you'll have to teach them too.

Yes, I have got children.

I have had to confront a colleague once before, and it was uncomfortable. But I wasn't nearly as apprehensive as I am about this, partly because I think she will deny it and I'll be left in the same situation, just with a bad atmosphere between us. When I had to confront the other colleague in the past, it was a lot more clear-cut, with irrefutable evidence.

To: [email protected]
BCC: nice manager
Subject: my accent

I'm really getting fed up with the mimicking of my accent. It's not ok, and I'd be grateful if you could stop. Cheers.

Then say verbally to the nice manager that you don't want anything done and it's purely for her / his info.
Should you need to follow it up later, you have a paper trail. And she can't start claiming you were hysterical / offensive (as people often do when they're on shaky ground).

It isn't one bit easy but it does get easier with practice. The only reason I am encouraging you to do it is because for most of my life I didn't confront people and it got me nowhere. Actually it got me lots of places including being married to an abusive man.

Try not to second guess what she will do i.e. claim that you are paranoid etc. She doesn't care about this as much as you do. She will probably say ok and then you say thanks and walk away.

But she can't deny it if she's just done it, can she?

What sort of situations are you in when she does it? Chatting in the corridor? Does she ever do it in a meeting?

I'm from Yorkshire, people love to mimic or ask if I brought my whippet.

"Oh Doris you are brilliant at you sound exactly like my old neighbour, she was a boring cunt too..."

Should cover it.

I have had several other post grad jobs and come across difficult people before, just never felt so awkward as I do about this for some reason.

Try not to keep mulling it over OP. Just set a date a day or two ahead when you are going to do it. Then when you see her that morning don't think about it, just take a deep breath open your mouth and let the words come out.

At the moment it's just festering and you're getting so worked up about it you're thinking of leaving your job. Is that what you really want, for her to drive you out of your job? Don't give her that power.

Just think how much better you'll feel about yourself after you've pulled her up on her unacceptable behaviour.

What's the worst that could happen? So she never speaks to you again perhaps. Is that such an awful prospect?

How would you want your children to deal with it?
Imagine they come home from secondary and tell you x has been picking on them and pretending it's a joke?
Will you say 'Never mind, you can swap schools'?
Or will you say 'have you told them it's bothering you and can they please stop? Then if they don't, tell a teacher. If that doesn't stop them, I'll come in and talk to your teacher and tell them too.'
What can this woman do to you that has you so scared of even telling her, politely, that you'd like her behaviour to change?

Imperial- never in meetings. Usually when there are just one or two other people around, especially when there is a good friend of hers who has started replying in my accent (who is a similar loud, outgoing personality type to her).

Is she definitely mocking you or could she be one of those people that sort of unconsciously takes on the accent of the person they are speaking to? Sounds ridiculous but I do it (embarassingly) and have to try very hard not to.

You're right, Blues and Pigs, I'm second guessing and thinking it over a lot. I don't know why I'm so anxious about it, I've dealt with lots of difficult things in life yet this situation leaves me so uncertain. Maybe because it's made me so self conscious about speaking normally,me specially in front of her.

Stare- I think I wondered that myself to begin with. But the way she now has conversations with her friend using my accent with me in earshot, even if I haven't immediately before been speaking (eg I've been silently typing on computer, makes me doubt it.

You should try living with an Irish accent we are fair game across the entire world. Be very very proud of your accent and when you stick up for yourself remember you are sticking up for anyone who is being bullied because of their accent.

Accept you are anxious and then stop fixating on being anxious. Force yourself to stop being anxious, think about your children, watch telly, eat something tasty, be happy. Myself and other posters wouldn't encourage you to do this if we didn't think you could.

If you go decide to say it to her, post online that you are doing it and if anyone is around at the time we will give you support and then tell us that you did it. I once stayed in a relationship for about 4 years longer than I should have because I couldn't have the confrontation. A lot of people avoid confrontation. It scary but believe me once you get a taste for it you will love it!

DO IT!

My daughter does that, she could be knocking about the kitchen and just starts talking in a Liverpool accent about perfectly normal things. We are not from Liverpool.

Even if this is her reason you want it to stop so tell her.

You are being bullied, that's why you're finding it so difficult to deal with. It's always hard to stand up to bullies.

What I would do is keep this thread open at work, then if you know you're going to have a conversation, type "I'm going in" and deal with her - you will come back to everyone supporting you.

When you say it, think of all of us standing behind you cheering you on and throwing rotten eggs at her