To think this massively crosses a line?

[frackers]

Ok, so I have issues with the person involved in this so I need to get some opinions on whether I am overreacting because it is her or whether I have a genuine reason to feel pissed off.

Dh and I have two young kids (4 & 1) so hardly ever go out. We had an evening invite for a wedding last night and sil (dh's sister) very kindly agreed to look after the kids at our house for us so we could go. I should point out that all my side of the family were going as well so couldn't babysit.

Came home about 1am to find that sil has deep cleaned the majority of the house. I felt a little bit weird about this but it's what she said afterwards that has left me fuming. She said " I cleaned the bathroom for you. God it was disgusting, God knows when it was cleaned last." I was gobsmacked and didn't know how to react so kept my mouth shut.

Now, I need to say that, no, my house is not kept to showroom standards like sil keeps hers. I have two young kids and am naturally quite messy. I just don't feel the need to keep it to such high standards. However it is not a pig sty by any means, it is just kept to regular standards and is in the same sort of state as everyone else's house I know. Apart from sil obviously. And the bathroom is clean and tidy, I cleaned it yesterday ffs.

She then went on to say that she worked up such a sweat that she went searching through my stuff to find my deodorant! Wtf, she actually went into my bedroom and rummaged through my things! Please tell me I'm not going insane and this really is a massive invasion of privacy!

I've not said anything to dh yet, as I wanted to get a feel from the mn jury first. I am very grateful she agreed to babysit, but the more I think about it the more I can feel my blood boiling.

So aibu?

A genuine problem could have caused her to have felt a compulsive need to clean the house.

I still think what she said was pretty rude and the rummaging is crossing a line. If she had a problem that meant she had to do those things, she would be more likely to have played it down or not mentioned it.

Oh god yes, rude as fuck. But sometimes people caught up in this are so divorced from reality that they are genuinely shocked at people who are not and blurt out all sorts of rude shit.

And yes, the rummaging for deo is beyond overstepping the mark.

Definitely no obsessive compulsive tendencies more like competitive tendencies.

She sees herself as the matriarch of dh's family. It would probably paint a more accurate picture if I described her as an overbearing mil. I think it was a bit of a subconscious power play. Like she was showing me and dh that she was a better wife/mother/sister. But then again maybe I am totally over analysing.

Dh works ft and I currently only work a few evenings a week so most of the housework falls to me. This is why it felt aimed at me personally rather than dh. And honestly the bathroom really wasn't disgusting!!

I really think you got the better part of the deal!

Jesus, I would want to kill her.

My mother did something very similar when I was ill in hospital years ago. Dd rang me hysterical saying my mum was bleaching her bedroom skirting boards while ranting and swearing. I rang Dh and told him to get home.

He got home, there was an arguement. My mum stropped off and I didn't let her back in the house for over a year and even then only for brief, supervised visits.

Hm, I had a flatmate who felt her slight mess was normal and the rest of us had bizarre unrealistic expectations of a show house. No. She never cleaned properly and it was disgusting. She's go ballistic when we got fed up with her clothes/papers all over the floor and dumped it all on her bed as then she couldn't "find" anything.

I wonder if your place was genuinely clean because if it was, you'd be laughing at her bizarre behaviour. Instead, you're offended.

I think some people just genuinely don't see dirt as much as others. I remember having to change my then baby on someone's bathroom floor... She had told me just had just cleaned it before my visit.. Boak... I think she literally wiped the bit in the middle of the floor because there were furry things growing in the corners.

I'm on "enjoy the bathroom but she was rude" side. And bathrooms are quite personal, it makes a statement about your cleanliness even without the comment (you should see mine...). I went out with a friend yesterday early evening and overdid things - I have ME - got very ill very quickly. Friend half carried me from the car back to my flat then while I dozed on the sofa he did my washing up and cleaned my cooker hob. Although I was a bit surprised at the cooker hob, and very grateful for the washing up, and didn't ask him to do anything apart from leave me with some food and drink in reach, I can understand someone with time on their hands pottering around the kitchen much more than cleaning the bathroom!

I'd be unable to 'enjoy the bathroom' -I'd end up seething every time I went for a piss.

She's fucking rude.

I can see why you're embarrassed but don't really understand why you think she was rude? She's family, right? Your husband's sister. Her comment might have been a bit of a foot in mouth thing as it 'scooped you up' but predominantly it might have been that your husband - her brother - is still a bit of a 'pig in shit'. I would think this of my brother but would hopefully keep quiet for fear of offending my sister in law.

She went to get deodorant out of your bedroom, that's where it would probably be. Do you hide it under the bed with a handcuff collection or something?

I think you're embarrassed and passing it off as anger. Some people don't like being in dirty places and their dirt level isn't always the same as our own. Try not to be offended but obviously, drop children off for babysitting rather than letting sitters come to your home if it bothers you that family members will do what you consider is overstepping bounds. I might feel the same way, I'm very private, wouldn't like people wandering about my bedroom but I'd booby trap it!

She was really out of line

However, you know it, we know it. The world knows it, so you can choose to just laugh quietly at her for her ridiculousness. That way you win.

It's all about her - you don't need to make it about you and her.

That said, I would not let her babysit again

Yes, she's a bitch and yes, it was done as a snide dig..... but trust me- there are worse ways to be got at than by having someone clean your house whilst they're babysitting for you.

My mum does this. She told my son how I was rubbish at cleaning.
I stop cleaning the house about 2 days before she visits because I know she will clean it regardless of whether I've done it or not.
I'm willing to put up with the insults for a free weekly house clean.

Fairy fuck wings-can I join you on the massive twat bench please?

Tbh I'd be horrified and take it as a massive hint that my bathroom was revolting and develop a phobia about it and clean it 3x a day from now on

I need a babysitter! Esp one that'll deep clean the house at no extra cost!

Yanbu she should have had the good grace to keep her mouth shut, and her hands to herself. I would not have her looking after my kids again. I would not bring it up with her though.

yanbu - that is all.
What will you do next?

You can express gratitude for the babysitting, but her rudeness about the bathroom and her admitted "rummaging" gets you off the hook for a thank you for the cleaning. Don't you dare encourage that. Her manners need a good spiffing up.

A child made a rude remark about the state of my house recently. The family had come round at short notice while we were still recovering from an enormous birthday party for pfb so there was stuff around (eg bag of bunting waiting to go into the loft, present boxes stacked to go for recycling) and I hadn't hoovered.

I didn't expect or deserve to be told in a weary voice, "MrsH, your house is very dirty."

His mother was mortified (although instead of her pointing out the things about the party above I'd far rather she'd said it's rude to make that kind of personal remark because actually the state of my house would be none of his fucking business even if the floor were actively sticky and the cobwebs were getting in his hair).

I'm still smarting a fortnight later and he will not be asked back even though that will be awkward with his mother. I'd have laughed at "messy" because it would have been demonstrably true, and when I'm feeling rational I'm charitable enough to think that in a child's brain "mess" and "dirt" can be synonymous.

But there's something about the invasion implicit in the remark that I just can't get over. It's a serious value judgement.

OP, after all that I'll say I empathise. It's horrible to be called dirty by someone you know to have a cleaner environment than yours even if you know yours is averagely acceptable and certainly clean enough for your family. I wouldn't remark upon it nor let it change your routines (assuming they're reasonable) but I would certainly let it inform my opinion of SIL, and I wouldn't ask her to babysit again.

It was a bit cheeky of her to make these comments. But I think this time it's worth just keeping quiet and be grateful that you got a free deep clean of your house.

The whole thing smacks of putting you down, invading your space an effectively trampling all over you as a power play. This with bells on!

my sis does this whenever she visits my mums house - including rearranging cupboards and then buying crap my mum doesn't eat to leave in her fridge....the endless refrain people then hear is how untidy/messy my mum is, how much crap she has,how she doesn't know how to feed people properly hence the need for my sis to buy her own stuff, how my mum is so poor that sis 'chooses' to leave the leftover opened bags of whatever she bought you would never think that she was talking about a woman who raised 7 children almost single handedly and did it very well! what's worse is that none of it is true. this is a sick fantasy sis concocts in order to belittle and demean others in order to make herself feel better. it's disgusting.

" I cleaned the bathroom for you. God it was disgusting, God knows when it was cleaned last." ..... She does an unasked for favour which she feels makes her entitled to say whatever she wants regardless of how rude it is

my response to this would be: deep clean the full house to get her 'stench' off everything. then the next time you see her, you tell her straight "you were asked to babysit - not to take the piss by rooting through my things or doing unnecessary housework. OUR home is a beautiful and clean place and your comments were untrue and rude. i've had to hire a professional/deep clean again to wipe clean your pawprints off my personal things and to get rid of the anal rententive stench you left behind. don't ever cross that line again!" I would not shy away from a row with someone like her.

alternatively, deep clean the full house and then casually mention it in conversation....making it obvious her cleaning wasn't all that she has been making it out to be!

I could see myself being the SIL, though I wouldn't be rude and comment.

We have some really good friends who live in another city to us. Their bathroom was so gross I cleaned it a bit before I showered. They all joked about me being OCD and I took it on the chin because a) I am a bit and b) it was worth it for a clean shower.

Next time I am bringing my own sheets, cutlery, and crockery!!

Dirt really effects some people so maybe she is one of them?

Still doesn't excuse her rudeness, though.

So she thinks your house is filthy and yet she would use your deodorant ? Fine if its a spray but you would catch me using someone's else's roll-on - urghhh! so much for hygienic.

I'd be fuming, fuck getting a deep clean . It's your house and only needs to be clean to your standards.
Would those saying at least your bathroom is tidy go to a friends house and tell them it wasn't clean enough?
Mil did this when me and dh were on holiday. The flat was spotless before we went so she rearranged all the furniture etc instead. And I mean all of it.
I wanted to throttle her.

My MIL (so automatically in the wrong anyway ) did this to me when I was in hospital unexpectedly once. Full clean of the kitchen, including all the cupboards, rearranged all my stuff etc. ironically the kitchen was clean anyway as Dh was a SAHP and has very high standards!

I was livid at the time. She clearly meant it as a dig, made bitchy comments etd, and went round all the rellies saying, oh purple's house was FILTHY blah blah blah. To the people saying well at least you got a clean house, it's not about the cleaning, it's the intent which isn't to be kind or helpful.

All I said was to her "thank you so much, you're very kind and thoughtful" then headed her off immediately when she went to mention in (a hundred or so times).

By SILs comments, she is obviously doing to to get a rise out of you. Do not give her the satisfaction. It annoys me also, how slurs on peoples' cleaning abilities are always aimed at women