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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this massively crosses a line?

106 replies

frackers · 12/07/2015 09:14

Ok, so I have issues with the person involved in this so I need to get some opinions on whether I am overreacting because it is her or whether I have a genuine reason to feel pissed off.

Dh and I have two young kids (4 & 1) so hardly ever go out. We had an evening invite for a wedding last night and sil (dh's sister) very kindly agreed to look after the kids at our house for us so we could go. I should point out that all my side of the family were going as well so couldn't babysit.

Came home about 1am to find that sil has deep cleaned the majority of the house. I felt a little bit weird about this but it's what she said afterwards that has left me fuming. She said " I cleaned the bathroom for you. God it was disgusting, God knows when it was cleaned last." I was gobsmacked and didn't know how to react so kept my mouth shut.

Now, I need to say that, no, my house is not kept to showroom standards like sil keeps hers. I have two young kids and am naturally quite messy. I just don't feel the need to keep it to such high standards. However it is not a pig sty by any means, it is just kept to regular standards and is in the same sort of state as everyone else's house I know. Apart from sil obviously. And the bathroom is clean and tidy, I cleaned it yesterday ffs.

She then went on to say that she worked up such a sweat that she went searching through my stuff to find my deodorant! Wtf, she actually went into my bedroom and rummaged through my things! Please tell me I'm not going insane and this really is a massive invasion of privacy!

I've not said anything to dh yet, as I wanted to get a feel from the mn jury first. I am very grateful she agreed to babysit, but the more I think about it the more I can feel my blood boiling.

So aibu?

OP posts:
Glitoris · 12/07/2015 11:10

wonders if ReginaBlitz is the sister-in-law

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 12/07/2015 11:14

Helping is one thing but interfering is another. Okay perhaps she is not B.U in cleaning your bathroom but the way she went about it was and passing comment like that and making you feel mortified. Well there is no excuse for that. If it were me I may have cleaned the bathroom but I would not have passed comment about it.

Oh yes mooching around your house for what ever reason is a huge invasion of privacy. And nothing excuses that. I would be beyond nuclear,

Original poster
frackers · 12/07/2015 11:14

Oh Regina there is always one isn't there.

Although for it is worth that is exactly how sil would see it. She does an asked for favour which she feels makes her entitled to say whatever she wants regardless of how rude it is.

OP posts:
Original poster
frackers · 12/07/2015 11:15

Sorry unasked for favour. Definitely unasked for!

OP posts:
FarFromAnyRoad · 12/07/2015 11:16

GrinPecanThief me neither. Life is too short and I don't want to be lying on my deathbed thinking "I wish I'd spent more time scrubbing my bathroom" Grin Fuck that.
But OP YANBU - SIL sounds like a superior twat with issues!

museumum · 12/07/2015 11:21

Cleaning is weird and the comment rude but I absolutely REFUSE to feel inferior about my housekeeping if it's not something your average man would care about. I can't stand this way of judging women in their homes when the men get off free so if it was me I'd reply something like "oh yes its dh's job not sure when he last did it"

SylvanianCaracal · 12/07/2015 11:21

I would be absolutely fucking fuming OP. The whole thing smacks of putting you down, invading your space an effectively trampling all over you as a power play.

And I agree this is about bullying you as a woman too and making out she is the alpha female. Why didn't she say she'd cleaned "for" her own brother, your DH? No, it was "for you" meaning you are the one who gets slapped down for being "disgusting" and deserves to have their stuff rummaged through. Angry

We have a freestanding bath and it gets very dusty and mucky underneath, but we cannot clean it all out every time. It's not visible and not unhygenic, so we keep it to a basic standard and do the "deep clean" occasionally. If someone decided to deep clean our bathroom without asking, yes they would have a big job on their hands but that is OUR (mine and DP's) business and our decision. And if they then came to me and said they did it for me my god would they get a mouthful. As for being so sweaty she had to go through your stuff and use your deodorant – well, it's her who's disgusting.

I'd never let her babysit again EVER and I wouldn't be shy of letting her know why.

DoJo · 12/07/2015 11:22

Why were these comments directed at you (seeing as your husband doesn't even know she said it)? Are you the only one who uses the bathroom?

BallsforEarrings · 12/07/2015 11:25

As a professional cleaning service we always stick to the scope of the work originally discussed, the areas we clean are the areas specified by the client at the quote.

I ALWAYS say to the cleaning staff, we must check the client's notes and we must not accidently clean the rooms which are 'off limits' (if any are off limits) because these areas may be private and we certainly do not have permission to be in there pulling the room apart to clean it. Some clients leave out rooms to save money at the quote but for some, they don't want those rooms done because they are their private spaces and to go in and clean these areas would be crossing a line. We must respect personal space.

I am so 'privacy' conscious because of my business, I am horrified that someone would do this without the homeowner's permission, you must feel violated OP! It's not nice at all.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 12/07/2015 11:25

Yes quite right. Not a nice comment but in Regina's defence in writing the comment and S.I.L's defence that will be her side of the story. And everyone tries to make their side of the story better. If op does confront her. She will tell her friends family ect. I baby sat cleaned up for them and this is the Thanks I get. If OP does confront her. But we know it is not as simple as that. It's not the fact that she cleaned get bathroom. It is way she commented about. And like I said mooching around no excuses!!!

CSIJanner · 12/07/2015 11:29

What does her brother say?

SylvanianCaracal · 12/07/2015 11:32

Actually I think doing any cleaning or housework in someone else's home without asking is a bit of an invasion. Unless you are very close to them and it's agreed that it's OK (for example it's your beloved mum and she always does it and you trust her), it's basically commenting on their untidiness or dirtiness and taking power away from them. What SIL has done here goes way past that, but just doing it at all is not on in my book.

Original poster
frackers · 12/07/2015 11:33

The comments were said to both of us. Dh didn't say anything at the time either and has no idea how pissed off by them I am. I am undecided whether to tell him or not as I don't want to put pressure on his relationship with his sister.

OP posts:
LeftMyRidingCropInTheMortuary · 12/07/2015 11:33

I'd take this as a declaration of war from SIL.
Is there something else going on?

SylvanianCaracal · 12/07/2015 11:36

Oh sorry as you said you hadn't told DH yet, I misunderstood that bit. You meant you hadn't yet told him how you feel about it.

You say you have issues with her anyway. (I can see why!) I'd maybe start by mentioning to DH that you felt uncomfortable about her going thorugh your stuff to use your deodorant (as that's the most invasive bit of all), and see how he reacts. If he defends her for that, you have a problem.

Original poster
frackers · 12/07/2015 11:36

Sylvanian your first paragraph is exactly how I feel.

OP posts:
Mumoftwoyoungkids · 12/07/2015 11:37

She was saying it to make you feel bad. Make it clear that you don't feel bad - the next time she's at yours say "I know how much you like cleaning so I've left all the cloths etc out" in the same generous voice as I'd say to a friend of mine "I've left the West Wing box set out".

ThoseAwfulCurtains · 12/07/2015 11:40

Agree with a PP who said those comments were made to justify crossing a line.
I'd be livid but then I'm very territorial. Too late now but it might have thrown her off balance if, in response to her comments, you'd just smiled sweetly and said, 'I don't care tbh' and moved the conversation on to the kids or the wedding. So no thank yous, no reaction, just move on.
And internally pity her sad life and twattish manners

DragonWithAGirlTattoo · 12/07/2015 11:42

wow - where can i get a babysitter/cleaner?

(rummaging and the comments would def be annoying.... but i'd put up with that if the cleaning was done!)

CurlyBlueberry · 12/07/2015 11:43

It is possible to be pleased about the clean bathroom, but also annoyed that she did it.

I wouldn't personally be too worried about the cleaning, and not too fussed about the rummaging. However her comment would have me RAGING. That's not necessary.

ThoseAwfulCurtains · 12/07/2015 11:45

This tactic has the added benefit of making her look doubly stupid if she turns back to insults about the state of your house. You can then either call her on it-do you have a problem with how your brother and I clean OUR own house, or just repeat the I don't care and move on. She'll look rather unhinged either way.

KetchupIsNearlyAVegetable · 12/07/2015 12:43

I agree that's a declaration of war, however, I would find it hilarious.

SIL clearly thinks housework is the measure of a woman. Ha ha ha. What a sad sad woman.

Pity her. Openly.

Especially her highly questionable standards of personal hygiene. I hope your deodorant was a spray-

EastMidsMummy · 12/07/2015 13:05

Rude as fuck but you got a deep-cleaned bathroom out of it, therefore you win.

SomethingOnce · 12/07/2015 13:20

Quite rude but, y'know, every cloud...

If fact, I'd contrive a way to make this magic happen again in, say, six months' time. Cheaper than a weekly cleaner and everyone's a winner Grin

WhereYouLeftIt · 12/07/2015 14:47

"my house is not kept to showroom standards like sil keeps hers."
That rather jumped out at me, OP. She keeps her house to showroom standards. Did you see any of the Channel 4 series Obsessive Compulsive Cleaners? Is it possible that she genuinely has a problem, rather than just being an arsey cow? You mention "previous issues" and "we keep butting heads" - is the nature of the issues you have with her consistent? And consistent with her behaviour being driven by irrational needs?