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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if other teens shout in early hours of morning?

50 replies

Ghostlife · 10/07/2015 17:56

D'S is 16. Incredibly entitled and difficult. He has a rocking relationship with his girlfriend. Last night a combination of factors resulted at him screaming at me from about 1 am to 3 am. In the end I had to let him have his own way as was terrified neighbours would call noise pollution, police or social services.

I am broken by this behaviour. AIBU?

OP posts:
coffeeisnectar · 10/07/2015 18:04

God no, mine is asleep at that time. She's nearly 17 and although we've had a few rows, it's not often and over very quickly.

When you say entitled, what do you mean? Is it in terms of money, being allowed his own way, having things?

What kicked off last night's row? Is he still at school? Sorry for all the questions, just want a bit more info.

FenellaFellorick · 10/07/2015 18:06

no you are not unreasonable. That is not acceptable behaviour.

what was he demanding?

Perhaps the police would not have been a bad idea. They would have told him to pack it the hell in.

ssd · 10/07/2015 18:09

No, neither teenage ds does this. Whats a rocking relationship?

AuntyMag10 · 10/07/2015 18:10

No that's not ok at all. Unacceptable behavior.

knackered69 · 10/07/2015 18:23

No - mine is 17. He asks me if his gf can stay over, then he cleans his room /the bathroom .She comes over ,I cook stuff ,and they eat, wash up and they go to his room to do their physics, maths, watch a dvd or shag furiously .

I make the odd cup of tea and in the morning they make breakfast .Apparently they did have a row once but it was quite quiet .

Original poster
Ghostlife · 10/07/2015 18:24

I can't afford to give him any more money. £450 in 4 weeks (weekend away, clothes) I had the nerve to say that I had to do without to fund this money plus I did not want his girlfriend in the house from 5 am to 8 pm. He has history of shouting late at night to get his own way. Last time he did it I said his girlfriend would not be able to come over whenever he wanted. He flipped saying if his girlfriend was not allowed to come to the house at 5 am their relationship would end. In the end I had to give in and allow his girlfriend to come over.

I feel like I am being totally manipulated and feel broken.

OP posts:
coffeeisnectar · 10/07/2015 18:38

Can't he get a job and fund his own social life? Sorry but he sounds bloody awful and you need to make a stand and say no. No to gf sleeping over, no to money and no to unreasonable behaviour. Or suggest if he's finding having a roof over his head with a few rules thrown in,difficult he should see how he copes on his own.

He's a bully.

Idontseeanydragons · 10/07/2015 18:43

He is being extremely U. You however are being bullied.
Let the neighbours phone the police - what could happen? He gets a scare because he's seen the consequences of his actions?

VivaLeBeaver · 10/07/2015 18:48

IMHO this is domestic abuse. Yes it's from a child rather than a partner but a 16yo can be just as intimidating as an adult.

I don't know what to suggest but I think you need help to make him realise that this behaviour is not acceptable. To bully you like this and financially abuse you.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 10/07/2015 18:50

Are you a lone parent Ghost? All these threads on here about entitled teenage boys bullying their Mums make my blood boil.

FWIW At 16 DS suddenly completely seemed to disregard my authority. It was horrible; he would ignore anything I asked him to do, then comply like a little lamb once DH asked him. I spent about a year saying, "DH can you go and ask DS to empty the dishwasher please" to avoid all the ridiculous conflict.

He's 21 now and nice again. Maybe it's just a phase they go through.

DurhamDurham · 10/07/2015 18:51

I have two teens and have been around a lot more, this is not normal behaviour. It sounds harsh but next time he does it, you should ring the Police, don't wait for your neighbours to do it. He sounds like he needs lots of support to change way of dealing with anger/stress etc, you need outside help and I hope you get it Thanks

ihatethecold · 10/07/2015 19:17

He sounds like he has no respect for you at all!
I have a teen boy and he can be rude, cheeky and entitled sometimes but he wouldn't shout at me, day or night.
Does his dad help out at all?

Original poster
Ghostlife · 10/07/2015 19:26

His father lives a long way away but he can see or speak to him whenever he wants. He chooses not to. Unfortunately my ex H had no respect for me either.

I just feel like I am walking on egg shells and being manipulated. At the moment I feel like I can't cope living with this bomb that can go off at any point.

The problem is if social services got involved because someone reported him shouting last night I could lose my job even though all I have done is attempt (unsuccessfully) to implement that shouting means no girlfriend saying in the house.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ghostlife · 10/07/2015 19:29

Rocky relationship is she may end the relationship if she is not allowed to spend 10+ hours a day at our house.

OP posts:
MarkRuffaloCrumble · 10/07/2015 19:30

He flipped saying if his girlfriend was not allowed to come to the house at 5 am their relationship would end. In the end I had to give in and allow his girlfriend to come over.

In the end you gave in, but you didn't HAVE to give in.

I have a very stubborn and beligerent 15 yo who is driving me to distraction at the moment, so I feel your pain.

I'm afraid I've come to realise that the only thing that has a hope of working is being tough. Clear rules and boundaries with clear consequences.

Next time he whines that his GF will leave him if X/Y/Z doesn't happen, say tough, not my problem. This is what is happening, when you have your own place you get to make the rules.

It's disheartening raising someone who doesn't appreciate what you do for him, but to have any hope of a better relationship wi a respectful young man later on, you need to crack down on this now. Otherwise his GF will be the next one on here complaining that he is taking the piss and treating her the way he treats you.

MaggieJoyBlunt · 10/07/2015 19:30

You poor thing.

Why would your job be at risk?

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 10/07/2015 19:35

My ex was also emotionally abusive so it's like reliving it all over again isn't it? Just when you think you're rid of the bastard another one takes his place!

Gather all your strength, make a plan of action including finances, jobs (both in and out of the house), how often you're happy for the gf to stay (& if its a lot they need to make a financial contribution to cover her too) and present it to him with the offer to discuss it if he wants to.

It's your home OP and he needs to treat you with some respect or find somewhere else to live (my suggestion would be and indeed has been to my own DS his dad's house)

NoMontagues · 10/07/2015 19:37

DD is only 14 so maybe I'm not qualified but no, if this happened here tomorrow it would be the first and last time.

The new clothes would be taken away for the time being until she felt able to appreciate them.

As for the gf coming over at 5am, I'm sorry but that's an absolute no. If threatened with being responsible for ruining the relationship then it would be a case of, well ok my love that's the way it's going to have to be. We don't have visitors at 5am. End of.

Tutt · 10/07/2015 19:37

No my DS has never but I'd phone the police if he did.
Thing is OP he knows which of your buttons to press, he shouts you don't want to wake neighbours etc so he knows he will get his own way!
Cunning, manipulative and bullying.
If he does it again stop him in his tracks and call the police, you need him to know 100% that you make and set the rules in your home.
I feel for you because teens are difficult and will push the boundaries, you just have to stick to the boundries and be brave.

Original poster
Ghostlife · 10/07/2015 20:03

I would lose my job if social services involved because it would show up on my enhanced crb.

OP posts:
MammaTJ · 10/07/2015 21:16

SS visits for anything other than your behaviour DO NOT show on DBS! Enhanced or otherwise!

Even malicious complaints to the police about hitting a child do not show up! I had a rough few years with neighbours and am now a student nurse, so I know this for sure.

Original poster
Ghostlife · 10/07/2015 21:23

MammaTJ thanks very much. I just hope that SS cannot blame me not being able to stop him shouting or for refusing to allow his girlfriend come at 5 am/no more handouts or pointing out that shouting at night meant girlfriend would not be allowed to visit.

OP posts:
MaggieJoyBlunt · 10/07/2015 21:27

I'm pretty sure Social Services have seen most things many many times. They won't blink at this.

KillmeNow · 10/07/2015 21:38

Could you have a word with the neighbours and tell them to feel free to call the police the next time they are disturbed. I know it might seem cringeworthy but they must know whats going on just from the noise .

If you were my neighbour I would be worried for you - and pretty pissed off at having my sleep disturbed - so would be only too willing to help.

Plus just knowing that there is someone else who knows what is going on might give you the strength to stand up to him.

Original poster
Ghostlife · 11/07/2015 06:26

Don't think either neighbour would want to get involved to that extent.

I just cannot believe that DS has done this knowing it could get me into trouble at work. What he was shouting about me was vile.

OP posts: