To wonder if other teens shout in early hours of morning?

[Ghostlife]

D'S is 16. Incredibly entitled and difficult. He has a rocking relationship with his girlfriend. Last night a combination of factors resulted at him screaming at me from about 1 am to 3 am. In the end I had to let him have his own way as was terrified neighbours would call noise pollution, police or social services.

I am broken by this behaviour. AIBU?

[Starburst123]

Which is precisely why he was doing it, I'd wager.

[blueballoon79]

Ghostlife I also have to have an enhanced CRB for my job and a visit from SS would not affect your job.

Right now your son has you in a place of fear and is using that to manipulate and bully you.

He is only 16 and you are an adult and he needs to know you are the one in charge.

Next time he kicks off I urge you to call the police. He needs to know his behaviour is not only inappropriate but unlawful too.

My advice would be to sit down with him and talk to him and let him know the rules of how he is to behave in your home. If he breaks these rules, he must have a consequence which you carry through and stick to.

I'm a lone parent to a difficult DS myself and I know how hard it can be and I empathise totally. You need to be strong now and take back control not only for your sake, but his too.

[Hissy]

You need to stop allowing him to do this to you.

Starting today, if you don't want his gf in your house, she doesn't come over. If she ends the relationship with your son as a result of her refusal to respect his mother, good fucking riddance.

He does not shout at you,mor you WONT fund stuff for him. He doesn't like it? get a fucking job and find it yourself big boy.

Your ex abused you, and now your son is emulating him. You need help and support, but you need to stop this behaviour in your home by refusing to tolerate it. Call the police yourself if need be.

[BitOutOfPractice]

Oh OP you sound totally ground down. I hope you manage to get some rest today.

No sage words of advice to give you but I just wanted to say that I sympathise

[Ghostlife]

He has started to shout because I tried to talk to him about the shouting. I said girlfriend could not come over because he has been shouting so more shouting.

[Getthewonderwebout]

OP, tell him you've had your limit and if he isn't happy with rules in place at home (including showing you respect), he needs to find himself somewhere else to live. And mean it.

[YouTheCat]

I have an enhanced crb check for my job. I also had SS involved with our family for many years. It never affected my job.

Stop giving him money he doesn't deserve or earn. Ban the girlfriend. You are not responsible for his relationships. If she's only with him so she can hang out at yours all day then he could probably do without her.

Tell him if he can't sit and talk to you in a reasonable way then he's going to have a long, miserable summer, with no internet (change the password).

[Reginafalangie]

OP you need to stand up for yourself.

Involvement with SS does not show up on your CRB. Only if you commit a crime and are cautioned or conflicted does it show up.

Your son will continue to bully you until YOU stop it.
STOP giving him money.
STOP his girlfriend coming over.
IF he continues to shout in the early hours tell him you will call the police and have him removed as he is committing a crime of exxsessive noise/breech of the peace. If that doesn't stop him then you must follow through with the threat.

He is old enough to know what he is doing so he is old enough to suffer the consequences.
This will not stop until YOU stop it.

Do you have any RL support?

[ItsAllGoingToBeFine]

Just ignore him. It's your house, your rules. If you start to feel threatened by him call the police.

Stop giving him money when he asks - give him a monthly allowance into his abnk account and when it is gone it is gone.

You will not lose you job if SS get involved.

[Reginafalangie]

Convicted not conflicted

[junebirthdaygirl]

Also tell him there is no conversation between 11 and 8 at night as you are asleep.Unless in a total emergency. Find one sentence like we can talk in the morning and don't explain just keep saying it. Don't engage. Keep saying to yourself l will not engage with him. It's so difficult when you are on your own but they do respect tough. I couldn't say enough times not to explain yourself just one sentence. If he says gf will break it off just say lm sure you will work it out. Is he taking drugs. If he is call the police do not take him on.

[Purplepoodle]

I would be calling ss myself if in was u to get help with his behaviour. You don't deserve to be bullied in your own home. Ss arnt some nasty organisation they can help with advice and support. Plus your son's behaviour being shown to someone else may embarrassing him

[ohtheholidays]

All 5 of our DC are in bed fast asleep well before then and our oldest is 19 years old and works full time.

Do Not put up with him treating you like that!You need to knock it on the head now!

Believe me I know it's really hard we have 5 children and 2 of our children are registered disabled and autistic and I'm disabled as well.

The next time he starts screaming at you tell him your going to call the Police,they will intervene(DH is a Police Officer)he has no right what so ever to dictate to you in your own home end off!

Don't give him any more money at all,if he wants or needs money he can earn it,is it at school still?If not then he needs to get a flaming job and to learn to stop relying on you for everything!If he his still at school then he can earn some money from you(if you wanted to give him any)by doing jobs round the house,cleaning,cooking,gardening,cleaning the car out ect.

He may well say he hates you for it(for putting your foot down)for a while but believe me you will be doing him a massive favor.None of us get what we want for nothing and none of us would get away as adults with talking to or treating another adult,weather a friend,family member,boss or work colleague with the way he has been talking to and treating you.

You need to do it now,start sowing the seeds of change before any more time goes by,because the older he gets and the longer this is allowed to go on the worse it will become for all of you.

Good Luck Ghost

[MaggieJoyBlunt]

What Purple and Regina said.

You need to be the one who draws the line in the sand, I think.

[GoldfishCrackers]

He's abusive. You can't be expected to tolerate this bullying. He's 16, he can move out and fend for himself if he's not prepared to stop this nonsense. Don't let him make you feel guilty - its his choice to treat you badly or not. And you're not doing him any favours by teaching him it's ok to behave like this.

[Ghostlife]

Thanks everyone for your support and advice.

I have followed some suggestions and have explained to him that now he is 16 the police would see him as responsible for his own behaviour. I am so glad you clarified this for me as I did wonder how on earth I could get into trouble for his shouting as trying to reason with him does not work as I have learned.

Rule 1 - he is going to be given a small monthly allowance into his bank account. This amount will be topped up at the end of the month if he does some daily chores without being asked and does not shout. He would need this extra money to be able to do what he wants. I have explained that when you work you work for a month and get paid at the end of the month.

Rule 2 - no requests after 9 pm unless an emergency.

Rule 3 - if he shouts at night his girlfriend is banned the next day. I explained this to both of them when they were in the house. The girlfriend was not impressed that he was shouting at me and has witnessed it before and said something at the time to him.

Rule 4 - I decide times and days when girlfriend allowed in the house. Not before 10 am or after 6 pm on days that I decide.

[MaggieJoyBlunt]

Well done. That sounds very reasonable and balanced

[BrowersBlues]

Well done Ghost. The police told me that shouting at a person is abuse and to call them anytime. Don't hesitate to ring them if he starts ranting at you. I have rung the police for my teenagers and the police were fantastic.

He won't end up with a criminal record if you call the police but if repeats that type of behaviour again and again the youth diversionary team will give him a verbal warning, If he keeps doing it again they can give him written warnings and then ultimately be threatened with being taken to court. In our case the team did a great job of spelling out the consequences in realtion to restrictions on employment and travel opportunities that a conviction would bring and my two wised up a bit.

I just kept telling them that they wouldn't be able to go to America and for some reason that reined them in.

You are not alone, good luck. You are doing a very good job in difficult circumstances.

[Ghostlife]

Browsersblues thank you so much for sharing that. I am so sorry you went through that but it has made me feel so much better. DS played on the fact that I was mortified by the volume - think army major on parade type shouting and then add some so I would back down. No amount of calmly saying we can discuss anything and he can say anything but not shout it helped.

Do you mind me asking how old your teens were when they did this and if it was late at night?

[BrowersBlues]

They were around 15 and 17 and they did it any hour of the day or night if I so much as admonished them for their behaviour. Shouting was one of their big weapons because it scared me and I was very conscious that the neighbours could hear it going on.

The never stuck to their curfews so a lot of it was invariably late at night.

The both spent time in police stations over it and were warned. Teenagers are naturally grumpy but the shouting and abusive behaviour was a whole other thing. The police did a fantastic job. Both of them were held in cells overnight over their behaviour. When they got a chance to ring me from the station they cried like infants and begged me to get them out of there. They told me it was the worst thing that happened to them and told me tales of hearing people in other cells screaming and calling out to one another. It was music to my ears! Joking really, I was worried, but it was their own fault. They haven't been back in the cells again.

Things have improved massively in our house with the intervention of the police.

[Handsoffmysweets]

What sort of teenage boys shout at their mothers and are abusive to them anyway? I actually can't believe some of the things I have read on this thread. Sounds like a few of these 'DS' need their father or another male to knock them into the middle of next week for their disgusting behaviour. Good luck OP, I really hope that things work out for you.

[BrowersBlues]

I am not sure knocking a teenager into the middle of next week is the answer.

[Reginafalangie]

Some times it is the feckless males/fathers in their lives that cause the behaviours so not sure how your suggestion would help.

[Ghostlife]

Browsers thanks so much for that. I really started to think I was the only one that got shouting very late at night. I was terrified that someone would call social services because he was shouting so loud so late. I had no idea I could call the police. I am so glad I know this now and I have told him I will call them if he ever does this again.

I am a newly single parent but no idea if his father leaving has contributed to this behaviour or not.

[BrowersBlues]

In my case their father was a very damaging influence on the children. I left him when DD was one and pregnant with DS so they never lived with him. He never got over the fact that I left him and he never had a good word to say about me which affected the children.

I have known 2 families who were the nicest loving parents you could imagine in a happy marriage and their kids went off the rails in very serious ways. I almost think now if it is going to happen it will happen.

I have been on threads on MN and posters who went crazy as teenagers but were now adults posted and said that they came from very loving homes and yet gave their parents hell. Those posts helped me believe that perhaps I wasn't completely to blame.

If I had heard stories years ago about teenagers going off the rails I would automatically have assumed that they were neglected children of abusive parents. It is not always the case.

Physically assaulting my teenagers would have had a catastrophic impact and if I had have gone down this route I would be 6 foot under because they would have attacked me back. Physical violence was never an option for me. I was trying to teach them that violence wasn't an option and it would have been a bit odd to say the least if I had laid into them.