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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get pissed off at people pulling out of plans?

32 replies

BrianButterfield · 10/07/2015 14:36

Arranging a work meal for tonight - it's been arranged for a month now. It's at a convenient time, walking distance from work so people could easily go straight after work and drive or get the train home, very reasonably priced (£6 for a main course!) etc etc. Booked a table for 20, phoned yesterday to change to 13, today seems like it's only 9. About two of the reasons are rock solid, but I've had too tired, family coming over, plans with husband and so on.

Is it just me who thinks if you've put your name down for something you've committed to that thing, you don't just throw it over for a better offer? It's plain rude imo. And none of these people told me, I only found out when I asked around so I could have been rocking up to a half empty table tonight. Grr.

OP posts:
LurkingHusband · 10/07/2015 14:38

Deposit, deposit, deposit.

Concentrates the mind wonderfully ...

TeenAndTween · 10/07/2015 14:40

I agree with LurkingHusband

NuggetofPurestGreen · 10/07/2015 14:43

I had to leave the work social committee because of this. Drove me mad.

Deposit doesn't work when it's just a few drinks at the local or whatever. Obviously no one has to go if they don't want to but it's the ones that say they'll go and then just don't show up (for no reason other than couldn't be bothered) that get my goat

yummumto3girls · 10/07/2015 14:44

Agree poor show and offensive if a better offer has come up! Deposits and pre order food next time. Well done OP for being the one to make an effort and organise something.

RuggerHug · 10/07/2015 14:47

It's such a pain isn't it! I agree with previous posters though, deposits usually work. Hopefully you'll have a good night with the ones who do go though Smile

TheNumberfaker · 10/07/2015 14:48

What gets me is that certain people I know cancel all the time and no fuss is made, but when I do it once , all hell breaks loose: 'how dare you let us down, what could be more important...?'

FuckingLiability · 10/07/2015 14:50

They tend to avoid work dos on a Friday where I am because most people just want to go straight home. Could you try a Thursday next time? Agree on the deposit though.

Original poster
BrianButterfield · 10/07/2015 14:51

I didn't want to do deposits as I'm part time and didn't want to spend my time chasing people for money (some people are notoriously hard to get cash from). Anyway the people I wanted to go out with are mostly coming but I feel really annoyed. It's supposed to be the whole team out together for one bloody evening and people blow you off because their dads coming over - maybe another weekend when you haven't already got plans? I'd say "oh, I'm out with work that night, maybe Saturday?".

OP posts:
Original poster
BrianButterfield · 10/07/2015 14:52

And I repeatedly consulted on dates, deliberately didn't do the last day of term and so on.

OP posts:
MistressMerryWeather · 10/07/2015 15:01

Just enjoy yourself with the people who come. Imagine how dull the dinner would be with a big bunch of people who don't want to be there.

It's not great to cancel on the day but I imagine many people see it as just an informal bite to eat with colleagues, so not a big deal if they don't feel up to it.

CornChips · 10/07/2015 15:28

I get where you are coming from. My personal beef (from about 4 months ago, not that I am holding a grudge or anything...) is when people rsvp 'yes' to your DC's birthday party, where you are going to an actual location which OBVIOUSLY the hosts have to confirm numbers and pay for the child/numbers they confirm for and then people do not come...nor do they bother to apologise or explain afterwards.

4 children did that to DS..... and at £15 per child it adds up.....

[breathe]

liquoricetwirl · 10/07/2015 15:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Leeds2 · 10/07/2015 15:36

I really do understand your frustration.

BUT I would not want to attend this sort of thing on a Friday evening (or indeed on any evening - yes, I am a miserable so and so!) and it would annoy me beyond belief if someone kept rearranging things so that I could go. Particularly when I would've made up an excuse as to why the first date suggested wasn't convenient. It may just be that some people never wanted to go, and are crying off now because it is the only way they could get out of it.

HPFA · 10/07/2015 15:38

My DD was supposed to be having a friend over for a sleepover. Half an hour before the friend was supposed to arrive I had a phone call from the mother saying that this girl's cousin had turned up unexpectedly and her daughter preferred to play with her instead.
I suppose the mother might have thought that I would have had to deal with a rather grumpy guest. But I got the feeling she thought it was perfectly OK to do this -no reason for my DD to be upset at all. I'm still annoyed about it to be honest!!!

Teabagbeforemilk · 10/07/2015 15:52

As a restaurant owner, I can say we never had one works do where everyone who booked actually turned up. It's annoying and less people drop out when it's a non refundable deposit.

However on the flip side, I did work in an office where you were made to feel you had to say yes, or you would be hounded. I was hounded over the Christmas party, even though it would have meant walking alone to the venue, 8 months pg and having spd. That time I snapped and made it clear I didn't want to come to watch them all get hammered.

So I can see how it does happen sometimes. You feel you have to say yes then start thinking up excuses immediatly

Teabagbeforemilk · 10/07/2015 15:54

And oh God yes the rearranging to fit!!! Feels like you are being backed into a corner.

Fact is, some people just don't want to do spend their Friday evenings with their work mates

MistressMerryWeather · 10/07/2015 16:30

Very true.

Sometimes it's easier to say yes then cancel.

Original poster
BrianButterfield · 11/07/2015 08:53

I didn't keep rearranging it, I just mean I didn't make an unilateral decision in dates. And there was no pressure at all to go - some people said straight out 'no thanks, I don't like work nights out' and I just laughed and said 'fair enough!'. It was literally a space on the notice board for people to put their names, and I asked everyone once if they'd seen it. Anyway we ended up with 8 sitting on a table set for 13 Hmm

OP posts:
Marshy · 11/07/2015 09:04

8 for a work night out is pretty good.

It's just taken 3 attempts to make ours happen.

The thing is a lot of people don't really want to go but feel like they should so they say yes and then can't face it when it's about to happen.

If you're going to organise it I think you just have to accept that this is how it is.

Penfold007 · 11/07/2015 09:11

Stop organising work evening outs, let someone else do it.

LilyMayViolet · 11/07/2015 09:29

Yes, yes,yes op! I had this same experience this week! Dd is in a big show in our city. 12 people asked me to get them tickets, I did so and 5 pulled out on the day!!!! Only 1 has contacted me about paying for their ticket but I can assure you they will be paying for them!

governmentworker · 11/07/2015 10:08

YANBU. If people don't want to go, then they shouldn't put their name down. It's rude to just not turn up or to pull out at the last minute because you didn't feel like it/got a better offer.

CigarsofthePharoahs · 11/07/2015 10:26

CornChips - just as long as you didn't bill the kids afterwards Grin
My last job did this sort of thing every now and again. I worked in retail and it was hard to pick and evening as inevitably someone would be working that evening or early the next day. They were never very well attended as they usually descended into massive piss ups.
The worst one was a particular managers leaving do. I didn't like the man, he was unpleasant and incompetent. I decided not to go (too tempting to tell him what I really thought) and I was hounded! Kept being asked why my name wasn't on the list. In the end I had to be honest with the colleague who was organising it. They then called me a snob.
You probably had a better time just with the people who actually wanted to be there.

LeftMyRidingCropInTheMortuary · 11/07/2015 11:30

OP, in the nicest possible way, perhaps people don't WANT go to a works dinner! Was there some reason for this or is it meant to be "just for fun". (hmmmmm!!!)

Chances are even those who did "rock up" would have wished to be elsewhere but were going out of duty. What fun is that?!

I may be biased as I hate all social occasions, especially work. And if it's on a Friday night, I dread it all week and it stops me looking forward to weekend and makes the week itself seem really long!

And yes, whether you want to go or not depends on what sort of week you've had. Hence why "come and have a couple of drinks if you can be arsed" works much better than a sit down meal.

Original poster
BrianButterfield · 11/07/2015 11:49

If they didn't want to go, they could have just said so, with no hard feelings. I said upthread someone said exactly that to me and it was fine! It's once or twice a year and it's entirely optional. I just find it rude to sign up to something and then pull out. Just don't sign up. Easy.

OP posts: