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AIBU?

To not want dh to tell me what to do?

98 replies

Tistheseasonbear · 09/07/2015 20:48

Does your dp/dh have things he doesn't like you to do?
Dh is pretty controlling and his list of things that are not allowed is annoying me!
Some examples: neither me or the children are allowed to sing as he says we are all off key (I disagree). We used to jokingly call him Captain Vontrapp but it's really annoying me now. If we do sing, he'll shout us down or insult us (including 5yo:(). There's various tv programs he doesn't like and won't allow the dc to watch (anything American!) and things I like he doesn't either so again he will make such a huge fuss and not let me watch them. I hate having to sneak around with the kids when he's not here.
He sees all housework duties as mine (he will often say to the kids, can you do X to help mummy out?) and doesn't want to do anything to help. He's very controlling over money too and goes through EVERYTHING spent on the debit card. I had one payment of £15 and I didn't know where it was from and he wasn't happy. I eventually found the receipt but why the should I have to answer to him, it's my money just as much as his!

OP posts:

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Golfhotelromeofoxtrot · 12/07/2015 20:36

How long until you can leave?

He doesn't love you. It doesn't even sound like he likes you.

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CactusAnnie · 12/07/2015 20:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lweji · 12/07/2015 20:52

FGS, most people would do this for a stranger.

Is this punishment for you getting in late? Has he been with the children?

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arethereanyleftatall · 12/07/2015 20:58

That is absolutely bonkers. Have you asked him why he gets to decide when you eat?

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Penfold007 · 12/07/2015 21:30

Tis when are you going to change things?

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SocksRock · 12/07/2015 21:35

Controlling when you eat is hideous. If I said to my DH to put a jacket in for me, he'd not bat an eyelash. He's often started to cook tea before I come down from putting the kids to bed (temporary issue with the smallest only wanting me) as he can see how tired I am some days. I spend what I like as long as we have money, and he has spent today doing laundry and looking after the little one while I took the other two to the cinema and out for lunch. You need to leave.

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Tistheseasonbear · 12/07/2015 21:41

Things are in motion, albeit slowly. I have set up a bank account but he's so tight on money I don't know how I'll get a penny into it without him noticing.

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TheWintersmith · 12/07/2015 21:49

Fuck me. What a cock

I'd be buyin g the biggest stinkiest curry and slowly eating every last bit in front of him. Without sharing.

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SocksRock · 12/07/2015 21:52

Can you get £5/10 cash back when you do the shopping? Or does he demand receipts?

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UnsolvedMystery · 12/07/2015 21:54

Who cares whether he notices the money, transfer some money into your account and leave. Call women's aid for help.

You do not need his permission to sing or eat a jacket potato at whatever time you choose.

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MrsTerryPratchett · 12/07/2015 22:02

What happens if you spend money and don't account for it?

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ToGrapefruit · 12/07/2015 23:05

www.womensaid.org.uk/landing_page.asp?section=000100010008&sectionTitle=If+you+or+a+friend+need+help

Call Women's Aid on 0808 2000 247.

It's a 24hr helpline.

Please get some help OP.

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travellinglighter · 12/07/2015 23:13

He’s a git. CAB, Womens aid, friends, family and lawyers, whatever it takes to get out. I had it from my ex, she was/is very controlling. Since we split and now share 50/50 child care I have been treating the control freakery with the contempt it deserves. She is slowly turning into a normal human being.

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Fairylea · 12/07/2015 23:13

This man is an abusive arse.

He won't even let you decide when to eat a jacket potato! Surely you must realise how ridiculous that is?

Call womens aid tomorrow and get some advice and help. If you haven't already use the turn to us website to find out what benefits and so on you would be entitled to as a single parent (it's anonymous and you can be as hypothetical as you wish).

Please don't stay with him. He is horrendous.

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DoreenLethal · 12/07/2015 23:14

Take it all out the day you leave. Hole up at a friend's house until you can use it to put a deposit down on a place for you and the kids. Please dont stay for ages trying to squirrle pennies away.

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cerealqueen · 12/07/2015 23:14

"Luckily, the dc are sheltered from a lot of it as he has minimal involvement with them." for them.

There really isn't much point in having him in your lives is there?

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Lilmissconcerned · 12/07/2015 23:19

My oh can't sing much in tune but that doesn't stop me encouraging him to in the car or at a party etc doesn't mean people don't get pleasure from it maybe cause they aren't the voice standard.

The money thing sounds hard going too sounds like you are all living around him and keeping the peace.. That's a shame. I know how easy it is to band around leave him on here, but if it's upsetting you and the kids to the point where it's a misery it might be time to weight up his good points xx

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zeddybrek · 12/07/2015 23:21

OP, this is no way to live your life and by staying with him you are showing your children this is acceptable behaviour and it should be tolerated. Sorry I haven't read all the replies on this thread but wanted to show support.
He sounds horrible and you deserve better. LTB.

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Jux · 12/07/2015 23:34

Sing! Sing with the children as much as you like, whenever you like. Sing instead of talking. DD and I used to sing everything at each other, just for a laugh, as if we were characters in an opera! Singing has been shown in research to make you feel happier.

Then dump the bastard.

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alovelyday · 12/07/2015 23:40

My DH is the worlds worst cook, but anytime I've ever been late home from work/out with friends, and I text to say I'm on way home, the first thing he asks is 'is there anything I can put in the oven for you?'. Simple, but shows he cares.

OP you deserve better. You have so much support here, I hope you can use it and start down the path of making a better life for yourself

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GiddyOnZackHunt · 12/07/2015 23:42

Do you have any online access to the bank or telephone banking? I'm guessing not.
If you don't think you can dribble money away without him noticing, it might have to be a big bang. Transfer as much as you can and run. It will require you getting your ducks in a row but it may be the way to escape.

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yearofthegoat · 12/07/2015 23:44

He won't put a baked potato on for you? This is really sad OP. He would rather you were hungry as well as tired. He is a selfish miserable tight bastard.

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NeedsAsockamnesty · 12/07/2015 23:59

Who cares whether he notices the money, transfer some money into your account and leave. Call women's aid for help

Do not do this. You are unlikely to be able to take as much as you will need in one hit and it would be exactly the sort of thing that will be used by an abuser as an excuse to tip over into violence or make things very difficult for you.

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