To not want dh to tell me what to do?

[Tistheseasonbear]

Does your dp/dh have things he doesn't like you to do?
Dh is pretty controlling and his list of things that are not allowed is annoying me!
Some examples: neither me or the children are allowed to sing as he says we are all off key (I disagree). We used to jokingly call him Captain Vontrapp but it's really annoying me now. If we do sing, he'll shout us down or insult us (including 5yo:(). There's various tv programs he doesn't like and won't allow the dc to watch (anything American!) and things I like he doesn't either so again he will make such a huge fuss and not let me watch them. I hate having to sneak around with the kids when he's not here.
He sees all housework duties as mine (he will often say to the kids, can you do X to help mummy out?) and doesn't want to do anything to help. He's very controlling over money too and goes through EVERYTHING spent on the debit card. I had one payment of £15 and I didn't know where it was from and he wasn't happy. I eventually found the receipt but why the should I have to answer to him, it's my money just as much as his!

[TinyManticore]

He sounds like a nasty piece of work. I'm sure you have reasons why leaving would be very difficult, but is it better to be miserable? Better for your children to grow up thinking they should never do something happy like singing because they'll be shouted at?

[annandale]

'Does your dp/dh have things he doesn't like you to do?'

Yes. Everyone does, living with other people is not easy. There are lots of things I wish dh didn't do.

The real question is, when you, the person he loves and has chosen to live with does something he doesn't like, what does HE do?

I can tell you what dh does - mostly he puts up with it, occasionally we have a running joke about something, every now and then he asks me if I would consider not doing it or changing something. Possibly in a row he might shout at me about something but I don't really know as we have never really had a row like that. He would never, ever try to control me or forbid me from doing something, or make life difficult for me if I did it anyway. I usually carry on doing it. He carries on loving me and I love him too.

[Singsongsung]

He sounds hideous. Our house is like a musical most of the time! Singing is good for you! Tell him to sod off.

[KarlosKKrinkelbeim]

Just start doing what you want. If he doesn't like it tell him to piss off. If he stops the kids singing you start singing louder. He can only boss you about if you let him. And if he doesn't like it, let him be the one to go.

[msgrinch]

op he sounds abusive. I posted similar earlier on this year and had so much support on mn. I left xdp in the end. I should have left him years ago. You deserve a home where you can sing as loud as you like, relax watching what you like and not have to hide or stop anything. You deserve to be happy in your life. I'm not going to say ltb as that's your choice but I will say just stop and think about what life could be like without him. Really think about it, financially it may be a bit harder but emotional health is worth more than money. Take care

[KatieScarlettreregged]

I am shit with money and have a singing voice only my mother could love.
I sing all the time and can spend what I like. DH finds the former hilarious and trusts me not to make us homeless with the latter.
That is normal, your DH is an abusive little wank.

[Tistheseasonbear]

He won't come to school concerts etc as he can't bare to watch other people's children... I Always video them and he will give them a cursory watch but he's not really interested.
Luckily, the dc are sheltered from a lot of it as he has minimal involvement with them. Even at weekends etc, I'll take them to clubs etc and he does his own thing. The only thing he does is take ds to a sorts club on a Sunday and that's only because he loves the sport himself.
Anyone who doesn't know him thinks I'm a single parent...

[Lweji]

What do you mean isn't an option?

You actually can't? Or is it not convenient?

[annandale]

Sheltered, yes, but it does something to you living with someone who basically ignores you.

[paulapompom]

He sounds a cunt of the highest order. I don't know your circumstances op, but i would be looking into options for getting rid of him. (That sound like I'm offering to do a 'hit' - I'm not) but really shouting at a five year old to stop them singing, that's not ok. Sounds like you are walking on eggshells and that's no way to live.

[ImperialBlether]

Can you give us a hint as to why you can't leave? Is it for financial reasons? Please don't say it's because you love him!

[Levismum]

Why are you with him?
Really...

[Lweji]

They are not really sheltered if he insults them...
And are told to help mum and watch him do fuck all.
And have their tv viewing controlled by him, without your input.
And see how he controls your spending and what you do.

Are they really sheltered? Or is this how you rationalise it?

[Viviennemary]

He sounds awful. I admit I tell off DH for singing but only first thing in the morning when I'm trying to sleep. . But the rest of it especially the tightness with money is very bad indeed. And controlling what you can and can't watch on TV . You shouldn't have to answer to him ike a child. . He's not your parent. You could try counselling if he's willing. Because you can't live like this for much longer. Sounds miserable.

[msgrinch]

You can leave, you can leave right now if you choose to. It may be tough but you can call women's aid and go. He's not there for his children and your "practically a single mum", so be a happy, singing, relaxed single mum.

[Levismum]

Your fooling yourself!

[squigglehead]

My dad basically ignored me except to occasionally belittle me, like your H does about the singing to your DC. It definitely has an effect :(

I hope you find the strength to leave OP

[cosytoaster]

Well if, for whatever reason, you can't leave, try and have it as your long term plan and it the meantime do what you want - watch what you want and sing when you want - he can only boss you around if you let him. He clearly has no respect for you so what have you got to lose?

[Aeroflotgirl]

He is abusive, I would LTB, but not straight away. Visit Womans Aid, Solicior and cAB. I would prepare to leave.

[ValancyJane]

God you've just dredged up a forgotten memory: my ex would make me stop singing along to the radio or TV theme tunes (I remember him having a massive go at me over the Big Bang theory theme tune, of all things). I LTB and now take great delight in singing along to everything (including that theme tune, every single time I watch the show, purely because I can), OH has never once criticised - he even once tried to tell me my singing wasn't bad (lies, but bless him for trying!).

OP he sounds quite controlling and unpleasant - how horrible that he is treating the children like this. The money thing would be a deal breaker for me. It's a LTB from me! You sound lovely and I really feel for you.

[GinAndSonic]

I was also a "single mum" with a husband at home. Its far easier to ACTUALLY BE a single mum, because you can do as you please, singing and all, and doing all the housework isnt so bad when you arent doing it around a lazy fucker who wont help but has plenty of orders to give and criticisms to make.
Id try to sort the reasons that really prevent you from leaving, so that you can leave. You and your kids will be much happier overall.

[zeezeek]

You know you need to leave. However, I (nor anyone else on here) really knows your situation so, I accept that now may not be the right time. However, there are things that you can do - right now- to protect you and the children and get prepared.

First off....do you work? Look into tax credits etc. I appreciate it can be hard to squirrel away money as an escape route in your situation, so look into what you are entitled to. CAB perhaps? Or post on here. Lots of women here can tell you where to go and what to do.

Do you have any family nearby who can help you? Even simple things like look after the DC while you are meeting with CAB etc,

Know this: you are in an abusive relationship
The problem is not not you, it is him
Don't waste time feeling sorry for him or trying to understand. He is a grown man and you can only blame other people/situations/your parents for so much.
Your children are in danger.
If you stay you will end up in a worse position and so will your children
He doesn't give a shit about his family and will probably not bother to keep in contact with his children.
This is not necessarily a bad thing as he will fuck them up.
Prepare yourself. Unless you are in immediate physical danger, you have some time to get an exit plan. People on here can help you.
Don't waste your life on this man - it will get worse and he will abuse your children.

Good luck. You have made the first step - you recognise that there is something wrong in your relationship.

[zeezeek]

You know you need to leave. However, I (nor anyone else on here) really knows your situation so, I accept that now may not be the right time. However, there are things that you can do - right now- to protect you and the children and get prepared.

First off....do you work? Look into tax credits etc. I appreciate it can be hard to squirrel away money as an escape route in your situation, so look into what you are entitled to. CAB perhaps? Or post on here. Lots of women here can tell you where to go and what to do.

Do you have any family nearby who can help you? Even simple things like look after the DC while you are meeting with CAB etc,

Know this: you are in an abusive relationship
The problem is not not you, it is him
Don't waste time feeling sorry for him or trying to understand. He is a grown man and you can only blame other people/situations/your parents for so much.
Your children are in danger.
If you stay you will end up in a worse position and so will your children
He doesn't give a shit about his family and will probably not bother to keep in contact with his children.
This is not necessarily a bad thing as he will fuck them up.
Prepare yourself. Unless you are in immediate physical danger, you have some time to get an exit plan. People on here can help you.
Don't waste your life on this man - it will get worse and he will abuse your children.

Good luck. You have made the first step - you recognise that there is something wrong in your relationship.

[zeezeek]

You know you need to leave. However, I (nor anyone else on here) really knows your situation so, I accept that now may not be the right time. However, there are things that you can do - right now- to protect you and the children and get prepared.

First off....do you work? Look into tax credits etc. I appreciate it can be hard to squirrel away money as an escape route in your situation, so look into what you are entitled to. CAB perhaps? Or post on here. Lots of women here can tell you where to go and what to do.

Do you have any family nearby who can help you? Even simple things like look after the DC while you are meeting with CAB etc,

Know this: you are in an abusive relationship
The problem is not not you, it is him
Don't waste time feeling sorry for him or trying to understand. He is a grown man and you can only blame other people/situations/your parents for so much.
Your children are in danger.
If you stay you will end up in a worse position and so will your children
He doesn't give a shit about his family and will probably not bother to keep in contact with his children.
This is not necessarily a bad thing as he will fuck them up.
Prepare yourself. Unless you are in immediate physical danger, you have some time to get an exit plan. People on here can help you.
Don't waste your life on this man - it will get worse and he will abuse your children.

Good luck. You have made the first step - you recognise that there is something wrong in your relationship.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"Luckily, the dc are sheltered from a lot of it as he has minimal involvement with them."
No matter how minimal, they are NOT sheltered . They have eyes, they have ears, they see and they hear and they assimilate. They are affected by him and your relationship with him.

"leaving isn't really an option right now!"
It is always an option. It might not be an attractive option, it might not be a convenient option, but it is always an option. Alternately - is throwing him out another option?