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To not want dh to tell me what to do?

98 replies

Tistheseasonbear · 09/07/2015 20:48

Does your dp/dh have things he doesn't like you to do?
Dh is pretty controlling and his list of things that are not allowed is annoying me!
Some examples: neither me or the children are allowed to sing as he says we are all off key (I disagree). We used to jokingly call him Captain Vontrapp but it's really annoying me now. If we do sing, he'll shout us down or insult us (including 5yo:(). There's various tv programs he doesn't like and won't allow the dc to watch (anything American!) and things I like he doesn't either so again he will make such a huge fuss and not let me watch them. I hate having to sneak around with the kids when he's not here.
He sees all housework duties as mine (he will often say to the kids, can you do X to help mummy out?) and doesn't want to do anything to help. He's very controlling over money too and goes through EVERYTHING spent on the debit card. I had one payment of £15 and I didn't know where it was from and he wasn't happy. I eventually found the receipt but why the should I have to answer to him, it's my money just as much as his!

OP posts:
GinAndSonic · 09/07/2015 20:51

He sounds abusive. Have you considered leaving? He cant tell you what to do if you arent with him.

Longtalljosie · 09/07/2015 20:51

Blimey - that sounds hideous. If you were to turn round and tell him you weren't doing any of that any more, what would happen?

WhyCantIuseTheNameIWant · 09/07/2015 20:51


Unless he has any serious redeeming good points?

AnyoneForTennis · 09/07/2015 20:51

You're in an abusive relationship op Sad

glenthebattleostrich · 09/07/2015 20:52

I'm sure he does just as he does things I don't like but compromise is a big part of marriage.

And he wouldn't dare tell my 5 year old not to sing (most of the time, within reason!)

Does he have good points because he sounds like a twunt.

Tistheseasonbear · 09/07/2015 20:52

I tried that... He didn't do anything and everything built up! No dishwashing done, no washing etc.
leaving isn't really an option right now! Don't want to go into details a sit would out me big time. Blush

OP posts:
MatchsticksForMyEyes · 09/07/2015 20:53

My ex-h was like this in a lot of respects. This is emotional and financial abuse. You cannot continue to walk on eggshells and let the dc think this is a normal relationship.
Please contact Women's Aid. They will help you. For me, I had to leave with the dc as I knew he wouldn't leave and I needed peace of mind and to relax in my own home.

Imoleia · 09/07/2015 20:53

I try not to project but at nearly 35 I still won't sing in front of peolle because of my parents. He sounds HORRIBLE!

DrElizabethPlimpton · 09/07/2015 20:53

I'm so sorry but you are married to an abusive fuckwit.

He won't change. Neither you nor your children should have to live like this, but the reality of extracting yourself isn't easy. If I was you - I've been in a very abusive relationship- I would look to leave whatever the cost. He is sucking the joy out of your life.

AnyoneForTennis · 09/07/2015 20:54

He's abusive to your dc too... A house ruled by fear

Jengnr · 09/07/2015 20:56

When you tell him to get out on his arse you should do it in a song.

LaurieFairyCake · 09/07/2015 20:57

Leaving is ALWAYS an option when you're subjecting your children to watch an abusive relationship and when they're routinely insulted for singing

No money if you were waiting for an inheritance is worth staying for

If he's dying of cancer - fuck him and leave

Unless you're actually locked in a dungeon or he's holding a kid hostage, leave

Everyone here will support you

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 09/07/2015 20:58

I don't 'let' my partner sing, he has no tone or tune to speak of. However, I would never get angry about it, and I really wouldn't put a child down about it. Because that's bullying and abusive.

My partner is tight over money, he knows when we just can't afford something, whilst I can be spend-thrift once in a while. I am grateful for him being able to curb any silly amount of spending, keeping us going each month. He never yells at me about money, demanding to see what I spend, or where a certain small amount of money went, because that's bullying and abusive.

Yelling, demanding, controlling = bullying and abusive.

Nolim · 09/07/2015 20:59


ilovesooty · 09/07/2015 21:01

Dh is pretty controlling

Well that's an understatement and a half.

WashingUpFairy · 09/07/2015 21:03

Tell him to fuck off back to the Victorian era.

wheelycote · 09/07/2015 21:04

Sounds oppressive!Thanks
What happens if you carry on singing after he's thrown a few insults??

I would be tempted to sing everything!!!! whilst doing the chores....he doesn't have to like it.....when insulting you and dc explain that sometimes grown ups can be very grumpy and daddy is showing how you musnt talk to people as its rude and unkind

wheelycote · 09/07/2015 21:05

Really though...sing everything whilst doing chores

if he wants you to stop then the only if he's doing them instead

ImperialBlether · 09/07/2015 21:06

Do you work too, OP?

Does he go to school concerts etc?

He sounds like he sucks the life out of the house, doesn't he? Has he ever watched or read any Harry Potter? I'd be giving him knowing looks when the Dementors come on!

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 09/07/2015 21:07

He's ruining your children's childhoods. Why can't you leave?

HazleNutt · 09/07/2015 21:07

wow it must be exhausting for both you and kids, to constantly walk on eggshells around this man. You're an adult, there should not be any "allowing" or "letting".

Imoleia · 09/07/2015 21:08

I never say LTB but even I am joining in this camp!

Who does he think he is? Twat! Hmm

bloodyteenagers · 09/07/2015 21:10

There is no reason at all to not leave.
There are a million reasons why leaving is the best option.

AnyFucker · 09/07/2015 21:11

I think you should stick with him

he sounds like an absolute gem

Imoleia · 09/07/2015 21:11

AF ? Confused

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