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AIBU?

To not want dh to tell me what to do?

98 replies

Tistheseasonbear · 09/07/2015 20:48

Does your dp/dh have things he doesn't like you to do?
Dh is pretty controlling and his list of things that are not allowed is annoying me!
Some examples: neither me or the children are allowed to sing as he says we are all off key (I disagree). We used to jokingly call him Captain Vontrapp but it's really annoying me now. If we do sing, he'll shout us down or insult us (including 5yo:(). There's various tv programs he doesn't like and won't allow the dc to watch (anything American!) and things I like he doesn't either so again he will make such a huge fuss and not let me watch them. I hate having to sneak around with the kids when he's not here.
He sees all housework duties as mine (he will often say to the kids, can you do X to help mummy out?) and doesn't want to do anything to help. He's very controlling over money too and goes through EVERYTHING spent on the debit card. I had one payment of £15 and I didn't know where it was from and he wasn't happy. I eventually found the receipt but why the should I have to answer to him, it's my money just as much as his!

OP posts:

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Libitina · 09/07/2015 21:48

This is my first ever LTB, but I definitely mean it OP.

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Penfold007 · 09/07/2015 22:12

Leaving is always an option. Your H is abusive an d controlling. You may be prepared to put up with this but you have no right to subject your children to this behaviour.

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Atenco · 09/07/2015 22:26

Seconding all the other posters, but I just wanted to say most people improve their singing voices through practice. Singing is such an essential part of life, especially for children, how dare he insult them like that!

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HazleNutt · 10/07/2015 07:30

so when you say he won't let you watch some shows - what happen if you do anyway? Does he obey if you tell him not to do something?

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RandomMess · 10/07/2015 07:35

If there are genuine reasons why leaving right now doesn't work for you then start planning.

What happens if you say something like "Who made you the boss to dictate to me what I and the dc can watch/buy/so (sing)"?

Is there a reason why you don't say those things?

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FenellaFellorick · 10/07/2015 07:40

are you afraid of him?

What would happen if you told him to stop? If you said no, I will not stop singing, you are being controlling and you need to stop.

Or if you told him that he was being cruel to the children?

Or if you called him out on his behaviour at all?

He can say what he likes, but it requires your cooperation. Are you complying through fear?

What you describe is not only controlling, but actually abusive. It really affects children to have their parent treat them like this. It is no way for you to live. If leaving now is not an choice you want to or are able to make right now, then I really hope that you are able to in the future.

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rebbles · 10/07/2015 07:41

I don't think it is helpful to say LTB, but you probably expected that.

I don't think that is 'abuse' just control gone a bit too far. Just start doing the things he doesn't like and ask him to help out. Surely he does some things that are 'man jobs' in the house?

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morelikeguidelines · 10/07/2015 07:43

He is an abusive twat.

You absolutely need to leave him. As others have said he is running your children's childhood. A childhood banned from singing?

We sing all over the house all of the time. Dh may put his hand in his hands or laugh if it is a song he really hates, but would never dream of trying to stop is. And if he did we would laugh as not afraid of him, as it should be. Usually he will join in in his tone deaf way, which is very funny. But even though he is totally tone deaf, I wouldn't dream of stopping him singing!

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MrsKCastle · 10/07/2015 07:57

He is abusive.

You might think that it's impossible to leave right now, but can you accept that you will be leaving when it IS possible? Start changing your attitude to the relationship, say to yourself 'I won't be with him forever'. Acknowledge to yourself that he doesn't really care about you or the kids. He certainly doesn't love them as you know love- he insults them, hurts their feelings and can barely be bothered to show interest in things like school concerts. Once you come to accept that, I think you might find it easier to ignore him- why should you 'obey' someone who doesn't care and who you won't be with in 3 years time? And then you can start to look at whether you really have to stay with him now, or whether it might be possible to leave soon..

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FayKorgasm · 10/07/2015 08:47

He is abusive to you and your children. They are not sheltered from him.
You must leave.

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littlejohnnydory · 10/07/2015 08:51

Leaving has to be an option when your children are being abused.

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cailindana · 10/07/2015 08:52

So your child is being shouted down and insulted for singing in their own home and you think the solution to that problem is to stick around and let it carry on? I hope you can look that child in the eye later in life and justify that to them.

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arethereanyleftatall · 10/07/2015 09:01

I'm genuinely surprised this has been 100% ltb.
I agree his response to singing isn't good, he might not like it but shouldn't insult a child for it, neither should he get to decide what you watch on TV.
But I think it's reasonable to not want your kids to watch shit TV.
Then, we don't know the circumstances for the chores and the money thing - only a small snapshot from op's pov. If op is a sahm to school age children, then I do think hw is her domain. And if she spends money like it grows on trees, and money is tight, then it is reasonable to question a spend.
I'm not saying at all that yabu, just that for me, there's not enough detail there to say he's being completely u.

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Sidge · 10/07/2015 09:02

He's a bully. He has checked out of family life and being married but alone is a very lonely place to be. I really feel for you.

Life will be so much better for you and your children without him there. Trust me, I know. It's only when you're out of a miserable marriage that you can see how bad life was.

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Seriouslyffs · 10/07/2015 09:15

Luckily, the dc are sheltered from a lot of it as he has minimal involvement with them
That's just not true OP. Why can't you leave? What's your friends' and family's opinion of him?

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cailindana · 10/07/2015 09:18

Arethereany - how bad does a man have to be? Do you seriously think a man shouting at and insulting a child isn't enough reason to leave him? And I am really surprised you seem ok with a partner in a household doing absolutely no housework - do you really think that's acceptable?

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popcornpaws · 10/07/2015 10:35

Imagine how happy you and your children could be without him in your life calling the shots every minute of every day!
You only get one life, get the hell out of there, there are no reasons to stay.

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ImperialBlether · 10/07/2015 17:19

Arethereany, did you read what the OP said?

"He won't come to school concerts etc as he can't bare to watch other people's children... I Always video them and he will give them a cursory watch but he's not really interested.
Luckily, the dc are sheltered from a lot of it as he has minimal involvement with them. Even at weekends etc, I'll take them to clubs etc and he does his own thing. The only thing he does is take ds to a sorts club on a Sunday and that's only because he loves the sport himself.
Anyone who doesn't know him thinks I'm a single parent..."

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Tistheseasonbear · 12/07/2015 20:05

Another example of his controlling nature. I am just about to head home (will take me about an hour) and asked him to put a jacket potato on for me.
He's refused as it's 'far too late for that'. Even after I explained that by the time I get home it would be ready in the oven he has said no I can't have one.

OP posts:

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WayneRooneysHair · 12/07/2015 20:07

He's a knob, I never say this lightly but please LTB.

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DragonWithAGirlTattoo · 12/07/2015 20:11

so,...... what are you getting from this 'relationship' ?

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TheMushroom · 12/07/2015 20:11

You're all scared of him.

This is no way to live.

Why are you still even with him when he can be so cruel to your children, never mind you as well?

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bigbumtheory · 12/07/2015 20:24

OP you haven't put one good thing about him and for good reason that seems. If you can't leave him right now, which i think would be the best thing, then you need to find ways to cope with his behaviour while you prepare to leave. Have you seen a solicitor?

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ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 12/07/2015 20:27

And his good points are?

You are worth much more than this. Do you really want to live like this for the next 20 years?

Even if you can't leave yet, start digging your escape tunnel.

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LindyHemming · 12/07/2015 20:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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