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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

NC SIL wants to see my kids, but not me....

53 replies

ChampagneBabyCakes · 09/07/2015 09:08

My SIL doesn't speak to me. When I had my eldest, we were on good terms and she got to know him pretty well, and My DS1 made a lovely relationship with her son and loves his cousin. By the time I'd had DS2 (5 years later) she wasn't speaking to me and had pretty much stopped contact with my DS1.

We live far away, so I just covered this up with my DS1 by saying they couldn't meet and stuff.

I'm currently in the area for a few weeks, and MIL told me last night she wants to take DS2 over to SIL as 'she would so love to see him' - he's 20 months old. She met him once at his baptism (when she wouldn't even say hello to me) and has not made any contact since.

DS2 barely knows MIL and won't know anyone else at SIL house, except DS1....

I think it's weird to send my son to a house full of strangers on his own. I really don't want to do it. I can't go with him as I am not invited. AIBU?

OP posts:
TeenAndTween · 09/07/2015 09:12

YANBU.

princessvikki · 09/07/2015 09:12

I argree with you completely, there's no way I would do that. I would offer a compromise, invite your sil to your house to see the children, surly she is adult enough to be polite to you for their sake if she wants to see them.

Sighing · 09/07/2015 09:12

20 months old? YANBU. It would be really stressful for a child that age! He doesn't know her enough to be comfortable with MIL let alone a complete stranger.

MythicalKings · 09/07/2015 09:14

YANBU.

paxtecum · 09/07/2015 09:16

No, no way.

Does SIL speak to your DH, who is her brother? (I think).

StockingFullOfCoal · 09/07/2015 09:16

She'll have to fucking want then, won't she? My NC relatives drive me up the wall with this. No means no means no. Don't let them guilt you.

reni1 · 09/07/2015 09:17

Yanbu. I would argue your 6/7 yo is also too young to meet NC relatives without you. Either you come or no contact as she wishes. Review this 10 years from now.

Tizwailor · 09/07/2015 09:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Morganly · 09/07/2015 09:18

YANBU. He is not a doll to be passed around amongst people he doesn't know. If she wants to see him she needs to start doing some serious bridge building.

Original poster
ChampagneBabyCakes · 09/07/2015 09:18

Yes, a compromise would be ideal to be honest as I don't want to be a total bitch about it. I also think it's crap DS1 knows his cousin but DS2 doesn't. I would love to find a way round it.... Will try to think of a compromise.

Really glad I'm not seen as being too unreasonable.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 09/07/2015 09:18

shame for her then isnt it. YANBU

littlejohnnydory · 09/07/2015 09:18

Really, really tricky. I am NC with my sister. Children haven't seen her in 18 months and haven't mentioned her either. I've just asked them if they'd like to see her and they would, so they probably will at some point. The thing is that she isn't a bad person and a long list of circumstances led to us falling out and I didn't want them to lose the relationship with cousins etc (my mum couldn't manage to keep the fact that sister is pregnant to herself for more than five minutes).

My parents and I would have no contact if it wasn't for my children and I can't wait to be NC with them once children are old enough to maintain their own relationship with grandparents.

I guess it boils down to whether you feel contact would be beneficial for ds. Try to keep your own feelings out of it and weigh up whether it's better to be exposed to the unhealthy dynamic where their mother is treated like shit or whether a relationship with extended family outweighs that.

RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 09/07/2015 09:19

Nope, no way, no no no.

She doesn't have a relationship with you, she doesn't get to bypass you to see your kids.

And you're not invited? FUCK THAT

YANBU

NurNochKurzDieWeltRetten · 09/07/2015 09:19

YANBU at all, of course. Aunts don't have any rights over their siblings' children, especially to stipulate contact with them without their mother. Is your children's father around? Does he have an opinion?

JinglyJanglyJungleBigGameTours · 09/07/2015 09:19

YANBU! No way would I agree to this for either of your DC.

Original poster
ChampagneBabyCakes · 09/07/2015 09:21

Paxtecum, yes she speaks to her brother a little, but not a lot. We live too far for visiting, but she is polite to him when she sees him, and does send the occasional SMS.

I'm only in the area because I am on holiday from work - my DP is still working at home on his own. So he can't take them.

OP posts:
zzzzz · 09/07/2015 09:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ohfourfoxache · 09/07/2015 09:23

Honestly? I wouldn't even bother with a compromise tbh. Nc is Nc - let her stew in her own juice.

Apart from anything else, I'd be concerned about the effect it has on ds1. Yes it would be nice to see his cousin, but with little hope of a maintainable relationship is it fair to meet up?

Keep both DC with you at all times. Seriously. Yanbu.

GloriousGoosebumps · 09/07/2015 09:24

I may have misunderstood but why are you sending DS1 to meet up with your SIL? I wouldn't send either child to meet up with someone who refuses to talk to me. As for your SIL, she sounds ridiculously "entitled" to assume that she can have a relationship with your children in these circumstances. I would be ensuring that your MIL isn't in a position to take either child to meet SIL.

littlejohnnydory · 09/07/2015 09:25

Those of you saying 'no way', are you saying that because it's in the adults' interests or the children's? Is it about punishing the sil for her unreasonable behaviour or letting her take the consequences - or is it about what's best for the children?

Theycallmemellowjello · 09/07/2015 09:28

I think a lot depends on the reasons for the nc. Also whether a relationship with the aunt and cousin would be beneficial for the kids (sounds like yes?). However 20months is a bit young - maybe suggest that you'll consider it when ds2 is older?

GiddyOnZackHunt · 09/07/2015 09:30

littlejohnny - sending a toddler off with people he just doesn't know doesn't sound like best for him does it? And why put him through it when the likelihood of establishing an on going beneficial relationship is remote?

Original poster
ChampagneBabyCakes · 09/07/2015 09:31

Glorious I don't want to be involved in any of this, and don't want DS1 to go, but was considering it as he really loves his cousin who is a lovely boy. I know they won't be bad to him in any way and do love him.
I'd prefer not to send him though.
DS2 is a bigger concern for me as he actually doesn't know any of the people involved.
Just want to say No No No, but not sure I'm doing the right thing.

OP posts:
JinglyJanglyJungleBigGameTours · 09/07/2015 09:32

littlejohnnydory A couple of reasons. I have a 20 month old and I wouldn't let him go somewhere with someone he 'barely knows' to see a lot of people he doesn't know at all. I can't see any benefit to him and it would just distress him.

Also, I don't know the reason for the NC but I would worry about what the NC SIL would say to my DC while I wasn't there. I would worry she would upset them in some way, either by criticising me to their faces, or by getting emotional about not being 'allowed' to see them.

littlejohnnydory · 09/07/2015 09:34

Yes, perhaps the toddler is a bit young. Depends whether he's happy to be left with the MIL and also we know nothing about SIL.