Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

NC SIL wants to see my kids, but not me....

53 replies

ChampagneBabyCakes · 09/07/2015 09:08

My SIL doesn't speak to me. When I had my eldest, we were on good terms and she got to know him pretty well, and My DS1 made a lovely relationship with her son and loves his cousin. By the time I'd had DS2 (5 years later) she wasn't speaking to me and had pretty much stopped contact with my DS1.

We live far away, so I just covered this up with my DS1 by saying they couldn't meet and stuff.

I'm currently in the area for a few weeks, and MIL told me last night she wants to take DS2 over to SIL as 'she would so love to see him' - he's 20 months old. She met him once at his baptism (when she wouldn't even say hello to me) and has not made any contact since.

DS2 barely knows MIL and won't know anyone else at SIL house, except DS1....

I think it's weird to send my son to a house full of strangers on his own. I really don't want to do it. I can't go with him as I am not invited. AIBU?

OP posts:

brassbrass · 09/07/2015 09:35

if someone can't have a civilised relationship with me they don't get to have one with my children

and MIL should butt out of it altogether

NurNochKurzDieWeltRetten · 09/07/2015 09:37

littlejonny why would it be best for the kids? Sending them off with a grandparent they don't really know to meet people who are total strangers and don't speak to their mum and won't have her in the house sounds horrible and scary for a 20 month old - and the 6 year old is likely to hear his mother spoken of badly. The distance geographically and fact the aunt won't speak to the mother or have her in the house mean there is no chance of the children building a strong meaningful relationship at this age.

Time would be better spent getting to know their paternal grandmother without adding an extra stranger into the mix, surely.

DragonWithAGirlTattoo · 09/07/2015 09:39

i'm with everyone else here

the only person taking your DC to see SIL should be you or you DH (her DB) definitely not MIL

TBH If SIL doesnt want a relationship with you, then she shouldn't really get one with your DCs

they wont really lose out by not having a relationship with their cousins - i never did

Noctilucent · 09/07/2015 09:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

littlejohnnydory · 09/07/2015 09:40

I know that in my situation, I don't want my children used as weapons and they are not my property. I feel that an occasional relationship with a cousin is better than none and they will be able to choose whether to maintain that as they get older. I try to see it as a divorce from my family, in which I facilitate contact because it's in their interests.

jingly, you're absolutely right about that - I don't believe that my family would do those things and if they did, I'd think again. OP will know whether the sil is likely to manipulate the children.

littlejohnnydory · 09/07/2015 09:41

I'm not saying it would be best for the kids, nurnoch - I genuinely don't know.

littlejohnnydory · 09/07/2015 09:45

But lots of children with divorced parents are in contact with family who don't have contact with each other, noctilucent - far from ideal but nothing is ideal when family relationships break down.

They probably won't suffer for lack of relationships with aunts, uncles and cousins - but they might benefit from those relationships if they're positive ones?

littlejohnnydory · 09/07/2015 09:48

I'm not particularly in favour of sending the kids off to visit the SIL, by the way, just interested in these opinions because of my own situation. I would prefer my children not to see my family but do I have that right to make the decision for them? It would be much better for me to be able to move on without any contact whatsoever.

AgathaChristie01 · 09/07/2015 09:48

No, YANBU, I think bridges need to be built, if she wishes to see the children.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 09/07/2015 09:51

If you're on holidays and in the area, I'd actually say to MIL that you weren't planning on visiting and that you have made other plans with your children to do things and be out and about. As a result you wont be able to let DS1 and DS2 visit with SIL. Don't go into details and don't make any promises that you'll have to break later on.
From my response, you can see that I am also in the camp of it's all of us or none of us.

Koalafications · 09/07/2015 09:55

Well, I don't think your DS is going to benefit from this meeting, so YANBU.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/07/2015 09:56

YANBU.

MIL should also not allow herself to be used as a go between as well; she is also not acting in your best interests here.

Re this comment:-
"Yes, a compromise would be ideal to be honest as I don't want to be a total bitch about it. I also think it's crap DS1 knows his cousin but DS2 doesn't. I would love to find a way round it.... Will try to think of a compromise".

If she is too difficult/toxic for you to deal with its the same deal for your children as well. I would keep your children well away from her and your DHs wider family.

You are thinking like this because you likely come from an emotionally healthy family of origin and you are reasonable; your DHs is not like this and never will be. It is not your fault that your SIL is both unreasonable and dysfunctional, you did not cause her to act this way

itsmine · 09/07/2015 09:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

missingmumxox · 09/07/2015 10:01

The assumption here appears to be you are the innocent party, your Sil has gone NC with you and as it appears to me that most people on mn that do this tend to be the injured party.

Is it maybe you that needs to do some bridge building?

Unless we know the back story no one can give useful advice

SouthWestmom · 09/07/2015 10:04

I actually thought this was about me for a moment!
Dsis has gone NC with me and Lives abroad. She is staying with dm at the moment and refuses to see me. My dc are older but I refuse to allow her to pick and choose which bit of my family she will interact with. If she can't be civil to me she doesn't get to see my kids.

Number12 · 09/07/2015 10:08

Yanbu no way. No way. It's all if you or none.

Ohfourfoxache · 09/07/2015 10:10

No.

Both kids with you at all times. If she wants to see the DC, it is with you as well.

How can you think of letting ds1 go by himself to these people? It doesn't matter that "they love him" - if they loved him that much they'd see all of you together.

brassbrass · 09/07/2015 10:16

even if SIL is the injured party she does not get to dictate a relationship with the children but not their mother

It's manipulative to go through the MIL and for the MIL to be involved in this way.

Dysfunctional and best avoided.

brassbrass · 09/07/2015 10:18

and no way I'd offer my DC up as fodder to their agenda

Original poster

ChampagneBabyCakes · 09/07/2015 10:19

Thanks so much for all the responses. I am going to say no, he can't do it this time as he is too young, but I will consider it for the future.

I feel reassured by all the responses that I'm not being selfish and unreasonable, and I'll just see how the situation goes on the future.

Thanks so much for your help.

OP posts:

zzzzz · 09/07/2015 10:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Monica101 · 09/07/2015 10:27

My sister was NC with me when my DD was a baby. She used to want to come around to my house and take my baby in the other room to spend time with her!

That happened twice until I woke up and realised it's just not on. Now we speak again but if we didn't she wouldn't see my DD at all.

feebeecat · 09/07/2015 10:36

YANBU and I wouldn't send my dc anywhere to see people who cannot be civil to me. And at their age I'm not really sure what they'd get out of it? What does mil say about the nc?

I'm nc with my sister and my dc have not seen her for half their lives now. It's really, really sad - they used to get on great & have a lot of fun with her & her dc. Unfortunately she cannot be even vaguely civil with me, last time she saw dd1 she said things that I found unacceptable & I won't put dd in that position again. It's very hard to explain to a 4/5 year old why their fun Aunty doesn't want anything to do with them all of a sudden, so I've found it 'easier' to fluff a lot of 'oh they're very busy' excuses & just let it fade away.

They rarely ask now - may once or twice a year - and seem to have forgotten cousins names. And have no idea they now have more. It is sad/hard, but easier on a day to day basis to maintain strict nc rather than open up that can of worms about why she rejected them.

Collaborate · 09/07/2015 10:44

What brassbrass says wins it for me: if someone can't have a civilised relationship with me they don't get to have one with my children

My sister has gone NC with me and also blanks me at every gathering we both attend. As a result my parents no longer have big family gatherings to celebrate important birthdays or wedding anniversaries.

My view is that to behave as my sister does is the height of rudeness, and I really do believe her to have become unhinged. This Christmas for the first time we didn't get a card from her husband, yet she, for the first time ever, made a point of sending cards to all my in-laws.

I would not agree to her seeing my children unless she can behave in a civil manner towards me. I don't ever think I can be friendly with her given all that has happened, but I strongly believe we all have a duty to set an example by our behaviour and act in a civil manner. They lose nothing by not seeing her. They don't really know her any more and the lack of positive relationships with my side of the family is more than outweighed by the great relationships they have with my wife's side.

littlejohnnydory · 09/07/2015 10:57

Hmmmm. You're all making me think again. It's hard to see objectively when you've never had a healthy family dynamic, as someone else said. I agree that it's very unhealthy for children to watch me allowing my family to treat me with a total lack of respect.

Flip

1 2 3