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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my dh to come straight home from work once a week

84 replies

Gunaglas13 · 06/07/2015 17:48

Some background. My mil is widowed, nearly 11 months now.
Dh has to go see her after work every day. He also goes for lunch everyday and calls in some mornings also.
We no longer do family things without her. She is always included and we take her anywhere we go. If we don't go somewhere we call into her for a few hours if there is none of DNS other siblings around. He has a brother and a sister and hour away who rarely visit but call everyday. He also has a sister overseas.
Occasionally I would like to do something on our own but we can't as she would be sitting in the house on her own.
She is healthy and sound of mind. Just expects that when we are off we will spend all our time with her.
Dh spends at least one night a week with her also.
AIBU to expect that one evening a week he could actually leave work and come straight home without spending at least an hour with her first. Then me and the kids could actually see him for more than a few minutes before they have to go to bed. Two of them are in school so they can't stay up later to wait for him as they would be wrecked in school the next day and it's not as if it is occasionally.
We are starting to drift apart I feel as he will always put his mother first over me and our kids. Got so bad once after I asked him to come home once a week that he packed a bag and was going to move out but for some reason changed his mind.
I know I can't understand what mil I'd going through, but I feel she make no effort to contact the rest of her family or to go out and meet people or do anything for herself. If she doesn't get a slight push what reason is there to change.
Anyone go through something similar and come out he other end of the tunnel.

OP posts:
Dowser · 07/07/2015 09:28

*happy marriage

Enidblytonrules · 07/07/2015 09:37

Oh dear I am cringing at the thought of myself (not much younger than your mil) fit and healthy depending on my dcs for all of my social life etc after my dh dies. I could never do that to my dcs - they have their own lives to live.

She is barely old enough to get state pension and could be around for another 25-30 years by which time the dcs and gdcs would have flown the nest!

I think it is very manipulative to say my family is all I need now - she has to move on and not guilt trip her family. I know grief is a very personal thing and affects everyone differently but she somehow has to get through it and move on with support of course but not total nannying by ds.

Iggi999 · 07/07/2015 09:37

How was she when her husband was still alive - where they a self-sufficient couple, or did you spend almost as much time with them then?
I have little truck with anyone in good health at 62 who basically shuts up shop and gives up on life - you are all she needs etc - and I know lots of widowed people.

Fizzielove · 07/07/2015 09:54

My mum died 4 years ago, we moved to be closer to him (5 doors down) and now he pops in every night for a visit. That's ok apart from the fact that he expects us to stop everything and entertain him! I get nothing done! I have resorted to taking half days off from work just to tidy the house / do laundry, etc . And I have hide the car round the back because otherwise he'd call in and expect me to go out for a leisurely 2 hour lunch with him!! The only night I am usually guaranteed off is a Monday as he goes to his friends house! And for a while he thought it ok to stop in on the way home!!

differentnameforthis · 07/07/2015 10:42

And now he feels he has to take over from where his father is missing So it's his choice? Perhaps this is the way he deals with his grief right now?

Nowhere do you mention that she is forcing him to visit, yet lots of posters seem to have taken that stance.

Perhaps he has just realised that life is very short, and is worried for his mums health.

For heaven's sake, this isn't about her age! She has lost her husband, someone she has lived with/loved for anything upto 40yrs. You don't get over that over night.

Jane - really - you think his DM should be a priority rather than his DW and DC ? In her dh's head, he has all the time in the world with his wife & dc. He has just lost his dad, he is probably scared about losing his mum too & trying to fit as much as he can into their life. He won't be able to rationalise that she probably has years left yet. Especially if his dad was a similar age.

Someoen said she should be a priority for a couple of weeks, a month maybe..what a sad view to have of your parents. That their grief is not worth more than a few weeks of prioritisation, when they gave you everything you needed as a child.

When did we start to see our parents as a burden?

differentnameforthis · 07/07/2015 10:44

Spending time with someone who is grieving is co-dependant? Wow.

ouryve · 07/07/2015 10:49

YANBU.

She's potentially got 2 or 3 decades ahead of her and she needs to learn to make her life for herself. Popping in for lunch is fine. Being there every available hour and even staying over is way OTT.

MrsBobDylan · 07/07/2015 10:50

Op yanbu. If a female op posted on here that her husband objected to her visiting her bereaved mother 2-3 times a day, including dmil in every family activity they do, visiting her at weekends, not getting home to see the kids before bed everyday after work and staying the night once a week, that mn would advise her to make a change before she lost her family.

Your dh's level of involvement in his DMS life is unhealthy for her and him and something needs to change.

I hope you can find a way forward. Flowers

Redandtingling · 07/07/2015 10:54

Quick question ?

Is she an Irish mammy ?

If so, you need to break the cycle NOW.

Taytocrisps · 07/07/2015 11:03

YANBU. It's lovely that your DH has such a close relationship with his mother but it sounds like he's spending so much time with her that his own family is missing out. If it was only a few weeks since your FIL passed away then I would make allowances but it's been 11 months now.

Does your MIL have any friends? You'd expect her friends to step in at this stage. Did she ever work? Did she go to any clubs or activities before your FIL died?

You need to have a serious talk with your DH and explain that he needs to gradually reduce his contact with her. Obviously nobody's proposing that he goes NC but there needs to be a balance.

redshoeblueshoe · 07/07/2015 11:31

Different - who benefits if OP and her DH split up ? Its been 11 months. No one has said if its the MIL or DH that is instigating this - but his DC are losing their DF - not getting in till bedtime - every day. How on earth can this be reasonable ?

And OP is only asking him to come straight home one night a week, which he sadly can't manage. Do you think the OP is unreasonable to expect him to see his DC's once a week.

WorldsBiggestGrotbag · 07/07/2015 11:39

YANBU. My MIL is 62 and I know there's no way she would want DH to be away from his young family every evening if she was widowed. It's not like you're asking him to only see her once a week.

Mamus · 07/07/2015 11:44

It's lovely that he is such a caring son. He's probably a caring son because he had caring, loving, involved parents- you know, exactly what he is NOT being to his own children right now. If he can't even prioritise his wife and children just one night a week, he's a very poor father and husband.

PP who think the OP is BU- really? You'd really be happy if this was your life for the foreseeable future? It's not even good for the OP's poor grieving MIL. I have huge sympathy for her and of course she needs support- but support to gradually move on and build her own life, not take over her son's to the extent that he loses his own family.

PuppyMonkey · 07/07/2015 11:50

I agree you need to break the cycle. Could you start off ever so gently by suggesting she comes to your house instead once or twice a week - at least DH could then come home from work and see the kids too.

Then perhaps she'll decide for herself one day not to bother coming over you never know??

Or maybe on one of those family trips out you're always taking her on, you could visit somewhere that she might meet other like minded folk.

Running to see her all the time is the problem. She needs an incentive to get out of house. Start off gently...

AgathaChristie01 · 07/07/2015 11:52

Nothing much to add that hasn't already been said. He does need to see that this isn't in any way a fair balance, but how to get him to see that, I'm not sure.
Of course he is grieving, as is your mil, but this isn't the way forward, when you and the children are being sidelined to this extent. It isn't doing your mil any favours, in the long run, as, effectively, your DH is filling the gap left after the death of your FIL. That may well be helping him, too, but it's at the expense of his marriage and children, unfortunately.
Is there anyone he would be prepared to listen to, one of his own siblings perhaps, who might encourage breaking this cycle, from the point of view of helping mil to get used to being alone? It's hard, I know, for her, but unfortunately, it has to be done, at some stage. If she was outgoing before the death of FIL, it might be a bit easier to encourage her back into activities she enjoyed.

It's a tough situation Flowers.

Iggi999 · 07/07/2015 13:55

Could you have things you wanted to do in the early evening OP, what if you have an appointment or an exercise class or whatever, would he come home to let you go?
I'm sure you don't want to provoke another threatened walk-out, but it's hard to see how much different your life would be if he left.

Original poster
Gunaglas13 · 07/07/2015 19:10

Just reading through all of the responses there and I hope I am not coming across as unreasonable.
All I want is one night a week for dh to come home before the children are dressed for bed.
I have given up my class every week, which I was ok with for a while but would like to get back to now. I do not get out on my own any more except to work.
If I felt that the time was spent getting her out, trying new things or meeting new people I woul feel like it could be worth it. But it is only sitting in their while we are out here.
She does not want to visit us as she wants to be in her own house. She is most welcome anytime and I an sure the children would like her to visit. The are very fond of her.
She has friends who have tried to include her but she doesn't want to.
Thanks for being a sounding board for me because I was starting to think I was BU.
thanks again

OP posts:
moreshitandnofuckingredemption · 07/07/2015 20:04

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. Maybe baby steps is the way to start - get back into your class first so he has to be at home and do the kids one night a week. Then maybe a work / school parent social or event or something that he has to be back for.
(I am terrible for avoiding conflict though, I realise this may be quite unhealthy)

If he won't even do that for you, then you can't avoid a bigger conversation. Good luck Flowers

IonaNE · 07/07/2015 20:13

Just for perspective for your dh: my mother is a widow. She has three children. In three different countries.

museumum · 07/07/2015 20:23

If it was me and my dh and mil then it would be an ultimatum - if she really really needs to be with her ds / your dh every night then you all have to live together. Your children need to see their dad.
Have you talked about all living together?
It's really not usual for anyone to spend every evening with somebody without considering moving in together.

PtolemysNeedle · 07/07/2015 20:33

YANBU to want your husband home at a decent time a couple of nights a week, but I find it really sad to read some of these responses. Your MILs life will be so incredibly difficult every day at the moment, and all these people banging on about moving on clearly have no idea what it's like for some people to be widowed (thankfully). I'm aware that many widow/ers try and fill the gap almost immediately, but for others, the have to recover before they can move forward with life. How do people know this 'isn't doing her any favours'? Fact is, they don't know that.

This woman deserves compassion and understanding, and if her son wants to support her then that's a good thing. Obviously he shouldn't neglect his wife and children, but this isn't a competition. If he wants to spend regular time with his mum then no one has a right to try and stop that.

Iggi999 · 07/07/2015 20:46

But PtolemysNeedle, the MiL has tried to fill the gap immediately it seems: with her son. She is making him take on the role (or fill the space) of her dh. I don't think women in this position who would not make such demands of their children (at the expense of their dgcs) are grieving any less than this woman is.

WhereYouLeftIt · 07/07/2015 20:46

OP, have you raised this with her? Pointed out that her grandchildren hardly get to see their father these days and it's all her fault. I realise this will probably provoke a tantrum on the part of your husband (and possibly her as well), but I just don't see any hope of change otherwise Sad.

Miggsie · 07/07/2015 20:51

She is using her son as a husband substitute, he is neglecting his own children.
This is a very unhealthy relationship for them both as his life now does not function without her present and vice versa.

If he is unable to see that neglecting his own children is a problem then your relationship is not going to survive.

His mother needs to see a grief counsellor and not place this burden on her family and look to start a life on her own.

He can still pop in for lunch every day, just not every waking moment.

landrover · 07/07/2015 20:54

Send her off on a cruise, she will have a wonderful time, meet new people etc xxx