To expect my dh to come straight home from work once a week

[Gunaglas13]

Some background. My mil is widowed, nearly 11 months now.
Dh has to go see her after work every day. He also goes for lunch everyday and calls in some mornings also.
We no longer do family things without her. She is always included and we take her anywhere we go. If we don't go somewhere we call into her for a few hours if there is none of DNS other siblings around. He has a brother and a sister and hour away who rarely visit but call everyday. He also has a sister overseas.
Occasionally I would like to do something on our own but we can't as she would be sitting in the house on her own.
She is healthy and sound of mind. Just expects that when we are off we will spend all our time with her.
Dh spends at least one night a week with her also.
AIBU to expect that one evening a week he could actually leave work and come straight home without spending at least an hour with her first. Then me and the kids could actually see him for more than a few minutes before they have to go to bed. Two of them are in school so they can't stay up later to wait for him as they would be wrecked in school the next day and it's not as if it is occasionally.
We are starting to drift apart I feel as he will always put his mother first over me and our kids. Got so bad once after I asked him to come home once a week that he packed a bag and was going to move out but for some reason changed his mind.
I know I can't understand what mil I'd going through, but I feel she make no effort to contact the rest of her family or to go out and meet people or do anything for herself. If she doesn't get a slight push what reason is there to change.
Anyone go through something similar and come out he other end of the tunnel.

Does MIL ask him (either directly or through hints, applying emotional pressure etc) to spend all this time with her or does he offer/insist on it? I wonder whether your DH is spending every spare minute attending to MIL's needs partly to avoid dealing with his own grief, which might explain his defensiveness. Or maybe he feels the same as you but is getting pressure or guilt trips from MIL.
Either way, this is not healthy for either of them. I understand that MIL is dealing with a huge loss but she shouldn't be letting her son put his (and by extension your and the kids) life on hold for her. Equally, your DH can't reasonably expect you to be OK with his mother becoming a third person in your marriage. He also needs to think about the impact that this is having on his relationship with the DC's. They must be missing him and he won't get this time back.

Your DH has lost his dad so he must be feeling bereft and I do feel this should be taken into account. He has been bereaved too but no mention made of that...? However, its a tough life and his mother needs tough love as she needs to get back out into the world again. Their relationship is becoming too insular he is her son not her DH. Then again for all you know its not HER wanting him around all the time, its him wanting to be there all the time.

You pushing him about it could lead to him leaving, after all he has mummy to run to. You just never know...Ive seen this kind of thing happen more than once before, with mother condoning it. Its to be hoped she isn't this way. I wouldn't put up with it but I would confront it from the standpoint that, I know there is a risk of him walking out of the marriage.

Or as far as you can, build a life for you and the DCs. At the moment he isn't bothering to see much of you or them so you may as well, and maybe that will give him a wakeup call. Where are your family...?

62 is no age at all. By spending all his time with her, your dh is actively stopping her from needing to move on. Do you think he understands this?

Has she ever worked? Does she have a network of friends, or was she completely reliant on her DH when he was alive? Does she drive?

I think you need to have a sensitive but frank conversation with him Gunaglas, and ask him how he sees the next 5 years of your relationship working. Surely he must be able to see that the current situation is simply not sustainable.

I'm sorry if you thought I was being negative OP! I just wanted to tell you my story of my extremely needy dad so that you might learn from it and start to make changes wth your MIL NOW and not be driven half demented like me!

My dad was 75 though and starting a new life, lots of people your MIL age are still working. Your DH needs to pull back a bit - he needs to think of himself and his own family.

62 is really no age at all! My mother is still volunteering and has an active social life at 84.
I feel sorry for your DH and your MIL but your H has to realise that he is putting unfair strain on you and his children by behaving like this...I think that you have to somehow make him see this and face up to the consequences.

It is excessive and at quite a cost to his children and family life. She could be selfish (my dad is a widower and just wants my brother and sister all the time, no matter the cost to them) if she thinks she should come before that or she could just be so deep in grief and loss or hasn't even thought about the impact on you all. Would be nice if she realised this and decided to strike out more on her own - or she could come live with you, it's another option.

When my DF passed away I was the only one of my sisters to live locally to DM (the others were abroad) so it all fell on my shoulders to support her and provide company. It was bloody hard because all the while I was there for DM I had no outlet for my own grief nor could I let go in front of her. I made a conscious decision at the time that I wouldn't call my DM every day. Often it was most days and I visited every weekend and one night during the week after work. It was very hard going but I know my DF would have wanted me to be there for her and help as much possible. I was incredibly mindful of setting a precedent with her though, of visits and phone calls becoming a regular set thing on certain days. I deliberately varied the days I visited. I figured I have a life too and I need to be able to live it without feeling beholden to my DM and the accompanying guilt for not being there.
I really feel that I made the right decision in terms of offering a lot of support but also allowing her to start to live a life that was on her own. As others have said your Mil needs to have the space to grieve and develop new interests and learn new ways to fill her day. Your DH is doing her no favours. When I lost my DF I was single and was fairly available. Now I am married with small children there is no way I would have been able to give my DM the same sort of level of time or support. Your DH is being very unfair to you and your children. Mil is too.(however much sympathy for her)
From experience it is very easy for the bereft party to fall into a deep sense of self pity. The constant calls and visits will only feed this leading to a cycle very difficult to break.
My DM was refered to a counselling group (of similar aged widows/ers) which she felt was very helpful in coming to terms with the change to her life. Almost 7 years on, the group still meet.

I think you need to have a serious chat with your DH and potentially your Mil too. If it difficult to broach then perhaps you can organize a few things to do with Mil such as an art class or keep fit. Once she has made a few friends then there will be less reliance on your DH and you.
I really feel for you OP, I hope the situation improves soon

One night a week is a tiny ask. I would ask for much more. My mum is widowed. I go over for an afternoon most weekends and so does one of my brothers. Another brother goes over about once a month. We all phone regularly.

She sees neighbours, goes to WI, has a cleaner and gardener (both found through Age Concern) who both go in every week. She has a hairdresser who home visits about once a month. A volunteer calls in most weeks to change her library books and stays and has a cup of tea and a chat. She also has a few old friends that she has lunch with every couple of months or so.

She is 84. It is ridiculous that your MIL at such a young age is relying solely on your H for her social needs.

That nonsense about him moving out but then not when you dared to question his totally unreasonable neglect of you and the children is about him threatening you for not sucking it up. He had no intention of going. It worked though didn't it?

Time to tell him you've had enough. One or two evenings at his mum's per week max.

Can you have a word with your DH and remind him that while he is effectively trying to become his own DF to support his DM, he is leaving his children without their DF the first time round at all?

Sorry paulapantsdown, I didn't think that you were being negative. I didn't mean to come across that way. It made me think that there is hope that she can change and build a life for herself.

Thanks for the replies all. I have lost both my parents, close together although it is some time ago now.
I feel that my dh should make the effort to come home to his children one day a week and it is not too much to ask for one day. They are effectively been left without a dad and only do stuff with him if we include mil also.
I also feel he has not started to deal with his own grief either as he is either rushing around or with his mother.

Thanks again for all replies

Not read the whole thread but if he was very close to his father, perhaps finding a way to gently point out that he needs to be more attentive to his own kids if he wishes to replicate that with them.
It must be hard for all concerned

I think you need to ask for much more than once a week! Of shake things up a lot more. Do you work? Could mil collect the children some days? Then you could have a new routine of say 2x week family supper them DH runs or walks her home?

YANBU

I know from experience dealing with my mum that it is best to avoid any precedent being set, like a PP said, keeping mixing it up.

In that spirit, and to gently ease your DH and MIL from spending all their time together, could you try some of the following:

• DH comes straight home and you take MIL out to a club, night class, WI etc. somewhere that she can start making more friends.

• Do you have any weeknight activities if you are solely responsible for the kids each evening? Start / restart a hobby for yourself so that DH needs to be home to feed kids and put them to bed.

• it may be a little early for this, but my mum has found going on the organised holidays for single travellers really great, since she was widowed.

The one year anniversary is tough, but my mum and other bereaved people I know say that the second year is worse as that when the real loneliness sets in.

If he's already packed a bag once over this, it's already wrecking your marriage. What the hell will he do when she dies? By then, you and the children may well not be keen on "seeing him every day"... (fhdl3's quite right to point out that he's supposed to value the father-son relationship!)

I don't think yabu, but on the other hand, if it was my mum, I 'd have offered her to sell up and bought a house for all of us to live in together, my mum is widowed and she's at my house every day, dh and i have a better life with babysitting etc because of that.
i find it odd that your dh doesn't take the kids over or bring her round to you.
could you have a chat with mil and say how it's affecting the kids?

his packing a bag is an extreme reaction to your suggesting he spends more time with you and the children. Why did he change his mind but continue to carry on? What do your DC think of it all?

Perhaps instead of you all going to her, get her to come to you twice a week, and him go there once- she needs to get out of the house. Did your dh spend lots of time with her before his Df passed away?

define - she's only 62, plenty of people that age work, volunteer, travel, have a social life. MiL has made it clear she has a son so she doesn't need any one else. Gun - you need a long chat with him.
Does he envisage this carrying on for the next 30 years ?
How does he get on with his DB and DS - would they talk to him ?
This is not normal

Yes i know she's only 62, my mum's only 67 and has been widowed 15 years. I see her every day and would be happy for her to live with us-we are planning to. She also travels, has various hobbies, volunteers etc. Having a life isn't at odds with being part of an extended family set up. I am just trying to give an alternative perspective...i don't think whwt the op's dh or mil are doing at the moment is reasonable at all...they're splitting up a family...i just think you could extend it instead.

This thread makes me feel sad, and honestly I think if it were the other way around (a woman wanting to see her mum and her DP getting annoyed by it) the responses would be different.

11 months may seem like a long time to others, but unfortunately there's no set length of time where people who have lost someone can suddenly just say, 'oh alright I'm fine now' - it just doesn't work like that.

I would be incredibly proud that I have such a loving DP who cares for his family so much - family is NOT just the nuclear family of parents and kids, but the extended family as well, and I think that is forgotten quite a lot.

I do agree with the previous poster who suggested that MIL could pick up the children once or twice a week - that's a great idea, will help to get her out and about a bit more and they will be closer with her.

The idea (as some previous posters have said) is to encourage MIL to meet new people, to get out of the house a bit more and to start enjoying life again. However, it's not easy, and having the support of her lovely son must mean everything to her.

Please don't forget that your DP has lost his father, too.

He shouldn't be happy with this - he should be prioritising you. Is he happy with what he's doing? Does he prefer being with her to being with you?

Jane - really - you think his DM should be a priority rather than his DW and DC ?
When my DF died I didn't go to see my DM every day, and her DH is going twice a day, she goes on all family outings, and the poor DC are not seeing their DF.
OP - maybe you should suggest that your DH gets help.

For like, two weeks maybe a month his mum should have been a priority.

But be has basically checked out of his own families life and is leaving all the childcare to his wife, to hang out at home with his mummy in some kind of strange co-dependent relationship.

If he threatened to pack his bags (who does that!?) over this then he clearly has issues which need to be addressed. No idea how you can move forward tho.

62! That's younger than I am and I wouldn't expect that level of care.

It's ridiculous! She could be quite happily amusing herself by day and have you round for a meal once a week in the evening and her son take her to yours for a meal.

Especially on these lovely long evenings.

It is going to hold her back. Is she in a town or rural? She needs to get out more....seriously.

She's young enough to have another relationship.

He won't help her by babying her.

My oh was widowered at 54 and he had no one. No friends , parents or family.

He had a job and his dogs. He would call in the pub for a couple of pints on the way home and the same at weekends. If he hadn't he would not have spoken to one person from Friday till Monday morning.

That's what drew me to him. His self sufficiency like I am. He got a tent and had a couple of weekends camping and his first Christmas which would have been a terribly lonely time...he took himself off to a hotel for the festive season.

8 months later he had me in his life. Grandkids hanging from the rafters as well as dogs, cats friends and other animals.

Now wouldn't your husband want that for his mum. Her own happy life. If she had a really marriage she might not want another man, lots don't but she needs the company of others. She's still a young woman.

At first i thought you were being a tad u op as I thought mil was 80 odd but now I know she probably has 20 years to do all the things she never did .

Maybe counselling at cruse or mind would help.