To expect my dh to come straight home from work once a week

[Gunaglas13]

Some background. My mil is widowed, nearly 11 months now.
Dh has to go see her after work every day. He also goes for lunch everyday and calls in some mornings also.
We no longer do family things without her. She is always included and we take her anywhere we go. If we don't go somewhere we call into her for a few hours if there is none of DNS other siblings around. He has a brother and a sister and hour away who rarely visit but call everyday. He also has a sister overseas.
Occasionally I would like to do something on our own but we can't as she would be sitting in the house on her own.
She is healthy and sound of mind. Just expects that when we are off we will spend all our time with her.
Dh spends at least one night a week with her also.
AIBU to expect that one evening a week he could actually leave work and come straight home without spending at least an hour with her first. Then me and the kids could actually see him for more than a few minutes before they have to go to bed. Two of them are in school so they can't stay up later to wait for him as they would be wrecked in school the next day and it's not as if it is occasionally.
We are starting to drift apart I feel as he will always put his mother first over me and our kids. Got so bad once after I asked him to come home once a week that he packed a bag and was going to move out but for some reason changed his mind.
I know I can't understand what mil I'd going through, but I feel she make no effort to contact the rest of her family or to go out and meet people or do anything for herself. If she doesn't get a slight push what reason is there to change.
Anyone go through something similar and come out he other end of the tunnel.

[SylvaniansAtEase]

You are not being unreasonable.

Your DH is really, REALLY not helping her.

Maybe get him to read this thread?

This could be her life situation for 20, 25 years. She HAS to forge a new workable life. It's been nearly a year, that's a good time to start - and if the only way that will happen is if your DH 'forces' her to, by starting to pull back - then he must. If he really, genuinely wants her to be as happy as she can then he must, even if it's hard. Another few years of this and she will be a shell - she will retreat, permanently into herself and not only will it possibly destroy your relationship and have a terrible effect on your children long-term... it will also render your MIL helpless, friendless, and unhappy.

And then there's you. This simply isn't right - there is a difference between supporting his parent and totally abandoning his other, more important commitments. They ARE more important, too - his marriage, but most of all his childrens' wellbeing. What is the use of supporting one family member so much that others who genuinely depend on you are damaged?

It is a really silly situation. Not only is he actually hindering your MIL's grieving process, he's destroying his own family. Show him this thread.

[redshoeblueshoe]

yes dodo that's a great idea.

[DPotter]

dodo - you're a genius! what an excellent idea - hope this could work for you Gun

[dodobookends]

How about - when it is your evening out, take the kids to your DMIL's house, leave them there with her and go out. Your DH will then find them there when he arrives. He will then have to spend time with them as well as her, and he will also have to take them home and put them to bed, since you are out all evening!

[drinkscabinet]

Mum was widowed in her mid 60s just under 5 years ago. She lives next door to my DB and SIL and is very involved in their lives, she does the wrap around care for the GC and gives DB lunch on the days SIL works (DB works at home). She gets on well with SIL and they are backwards and forwards all the time. But... DB and SIL still have lives without her and do very well out of the arrangement (very competent and willing babysitter being the main one, they have regular 'couple' trips away while she looks after the GC). Mum has lots of friends and travels regularly (to visit family and on trips associated with her hobbies) and is out regularly (got to keep busy as she puts it) with her hobbies/exercise classes/social life. Of course, Mum and Dad had always had hobbies that they enjoyed separately so Mum had that ready network in place and her friends have been great.

Agree with PPs that you need to start mixing things up. How about initially suggesting she only needs one visit a day but that needs to be different mixes of the family, not just DH alone all the time. And really she should be coming to you as often as DH goes to hers, how about getting her to babysit the kids and get her to come round early to give them tea and put them to bed so she can spend some quality time with them (or even have them stay with her) while you and DH go out and have some couple time together. I like the suggestion of you taking her to a hobby based group one evening a week, how about doing some pottery or life drawing (!) or painting together or a book club. Or even going for a swim/exercise class together.

I think at the moment the balance is very uneven but if you do all get on then it should be possible to rejig the balance so it has less of an effect on your family life. And after nearly a year she really should be starting to rebuild her life, it doesn't mean she's forgotten your FIL, but if she doesn't do some work then the grief has the possibility of turning into depression and that would be terrible for everyone.

[Pilgit]

He's having an affair (without the sex) with his mother. He is putting you and his children second. Every time. He cannot replace his father. If I were you I'd be a lot less reasonable about it. He cannot see the damage he is doing - well its about time it was made clear to him. YANBU. You have been incredibly understanding but it's time to stop sacrificing yourself for it.

[PHANTOMnamechanger]

surely she has friends and hobbies? reading - so she can join a book club, or go to the library? Knitting - she can knit tiny blankets and hats for the SCBU at your local hospital. Is she well enough to volunteer in a charity shop, or hear kids read in school? Does she love her garden? Has she always wanted to learn flower arranging or to paint or ANYTHING? I know 70 year olds who do yoga, pilates and swimming, as well as WI, bingo etc! Did she sit around the house all day when FIL was alive?

There is something very odd that neither of them see this as a problem.
I'd have been at the end of my tether over that level of visiting months ago! And he is missing out on a whole year of his kids lives! You need family time, you need couple time and YOU need your own time too - when are you getting that if he is never there to sort the kids out?

[TracyBarlow]

However devastated she is, seeing her three times a day is absolutely OTT. Id try to agree with him to start cutting down gradually until he has more balance. It's unfair of him to put his mother over the happiness of you and the kids, his first responsibility is to you.

[TendonQueen]

OP has said her MIL would be welcome to come round to the family house, which is hardly shutting her out, and means the children would get to see both their dad and their grandma. In insisting on staying in her own house, MIL is isolating herself and depriving her grandchildren of family time. YANBU, OP. Tell him he must talk to her about coming to your house as a first step.

[landrover]

Send her off on a cruise, she will have a wonderful time, meet new people etc xxx

[Miggsie]

She is using her son as a husband substitute, he is neglecting his own children.
This is a very unhealthy relationship for them both as his life now does not function without her present and vice versa.

If he is unable to see that neglecting his own children is a problem then your relationship is not going to survive.

His mother needs to see a grief counsellor and not place this burden on her family and look to start a life on her own.

He can still pop in for lunch every day, just not every waking moment.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

OP, have you raised this with her? Pointed out that her grandchildren hardly get to see their father these days and it's all her fault. I realise this will probably provoke a tantrum on the part of your husband (and possibly her as well), but I just don't see any hope of change otherwise .

[Iggi999]

But PtolemysNeedle, the MiL has tried to fill the gap immediately it seems: with her son. She is making him take on the role (or fill the space) of her dh. I don't think women in this position who would not make such demands of their children (at the expense of their dgcs) are grieving any less than this woman is.

[PtolemysNeedle]

YANBU to want your husband home at a decent time a couple of nights a week, but I find it really sad to read some of these responses. Your MILs life will be so incredibly difficult every day at the moment, and all these people banging on about moving on clearly have no idea what it's like for some people to be widowed (thankfully). I'm aware that many widow/ers try and fill the gap almost immediately, but for others, the have to recover before they can move forward with life. How do people know this 'isn't doing her any favours'? Fact is, they don't know that.

This woman deserves compassion and understanding, and if her son wants to support her then that's a good thing. Obviously he shouldn't neglect his wife and children, but this isn't a competition. If he wants to spend regular time with his mum then no one has a right to try and stop that.

[museumum]

If it was me and my dh and mil then it would be an ultimatum - if she really really needs to be with her ds / your dh every night then you all have to live together. Your children need to see their dad.
Have you talked about all living together?
It's really not usual for anyone to spend every evening with somebody without considering moving in together.

[IonaNE]

Just for perspective for your dh: my mother is a widow. She has three children. In three different countries.

[moreshitandnofuckingredemption]

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. Maybe baby steps is the way to start - get back into your class first so he has to be at home and do the kids one night a week. Then maybe a work / school parent social or event or something that he has to be back for.
(I am terrible for avoiding conflict though, I realise this may be quite unhealthy)

If he won't even do that for you, then you can't avoid a bigger conversation. Good luck

[Gunaglas13]

Just reading through all of the responses there and I hope I am not coming across as unreasonable.
All I want is one night a week for dh to come home before the children are dressed for bed.
I have given up my class every week, which I was ok with for a while but would like to get back to now. I do not get out on my own any more except to work.
If I felt that the time was spent getting her out, trying new things or meeting new people I woul feel like it could be worth it. But it is only sitting in their while we are out here.
She does not want to visit us as she wants to be in her own house. She is most welcome anytime and I an sure the children would like her to visit. The are very fond of her.
She has friends who have tried to include her but she doesn't want to.
Thanks for being a sounding board for me because I was starting to think I was BU.
thanks again

[Iggi999]

Could you have things you wanted to do in the early evening OP, what if you have an appointment or an exercise class or whatever, would he come home to let you go?
I'm sure you don't want to provoke another threatened walk-out, but it's hard to see how much different your life would be if he left.

[AgathaChristie01]

Nothing much to add that hasn't already been said. He does need to see that this isn't in any way a fair balance, but how to get him to see that, I'm not sure.
Of course he is grieving, as is your mil, but this isn't the way forward, when you and the children are being sidelined to this extent. It isn't doing your mil any favours, in the long run, as, effectively, your DH is filling the gap left after the death of your FIL. That may well be helping him, too, but it's at the expense of his marriage and children, unfortunately.
Is there anyone he would be prepared to listen to, one of his own siblings perhaps, who might encourage breaking this cycle, from the point of view of helping mil to get used to being alone? It's hard, I know, for her, but unfortunately, it has to be done, at some stage. If she was outgoing before the death of FIL, it might be a bit easier to encourage her back into activities she enjoyed.

It's a tough situation .

[PuppyMonkey]

I agree you need to break the cycle. Could you start off ever so gently by suggesting she comes to your house instead once or twice a week - at least DH could then come home from work and see the kids too.

Then perhaps she'll decide for herself one day not to bother coming over you never know??

Or maybe on one of those family trips out you're always taking her on, you could visit somewhere that she might meet other like minded folk.

Running to see her all the time is the problem. She needs an incentive to get out of house. Start off gently...

[Mamus]

It's lovely that he is such a caring son. He's probably a caring son because he had caring, loving, involved parents- you know, exactly what he is NOT being to his own children right now. If he can't even prioritise his wife and children just one night a week, he's a very poor father and husband.

PP who think the OP is BU- really? You'd really be happy if this was your life for the foreseeable future? It's not even good for the OP's poor grieving MIL. I have huge sympathy for her and of course she needs support- but support to gradually move on and build her own life, not take over her son's to the extent that he loses his own family.

[WorldsBiggestGrotbag]

YANBU. My MIL is 62 and I know there's no way she would want DH to be away from his young family every evening if she was widowed. It's not like you're asking him to only see her once a week.

[redshoeblueshoe]

Different - who benefits if OP and her DH split up ? Its been 11 months. No one has said if its the MIL or DH that is instigating this - but his DC are losing their DF - not getting in till bedtime - every day. How on earth can this be reasonable ?

And OP is only asking him to come straight home one night a week, which he sadly can't manage. Do you think the OP is unreasonable to expect him to see his DC's once a week.

[Taytocrisps]

YANBU. It's lovely that your DH has such a close relationship with his mother but it sounds like he's spending so much time with her that his own family is missing out. If it was only a few weeks since your FIL passed away then I would make allowances but it's been 11 months now.

Does your MIL have any friends? You'd expect her friends to step in at this stage. Did she ever work? Did she go to any clubs or activities before your FIL died?

You need to have a serious talk with your DH and explain that he needs to gradually reduce his contact with her. Obviously nobody's proposing that he goes NC but there needs to be a balance.