To expect my dh to come straight home from work once a week

[Gunaglas13]

Some background. My mil is widowed, nearly 11 months now.
Dh has to go see her after work every day. He also goes for lunch everyday and calls in some mornings also.
We no longer do family things without her. She is always included and we take her anywhere we go. If we don't go somewhere we call into her for a few hours if there is none of DNS other siblings around. He has a brother and a sister and hour away who rarely visit but call everyday. He also has a sister overseas.
Occasionally I would like to do something on our own but we can't as she would be sitting in the house on her own.
She is healthy and sound of mind. Just expects that when we are off we will spend all our time with her.
Dh spends at least one night a week with her also.
AIBU to expect that one evening a week he could actually leave work and come straight home without spending at least an hour with her first. Then me and the kids could actually see him for more than a few minutes before they have to go to bed. Two of them are in school so they can't stay up later to wait for him as they would be wrecked in school the next day and it's not as if it is occasionally.
We are starting to drift apart I feel as he will always put his mother first over me and our kids. Got so bad once after I asked him to come home once a week that he packed a bag and was going to move out but for some reason changed his mind.
I know I can't understand what mil I'd going through, but I feel she make no effort to contact the rest of her family or to go out and meet people or do anything for herself. If she doesn't get a slight push what reason is there to change.
Anyone go through something similar and come out he other end of the tunnel.

[TendonQueen]

OP has said her MIL would be welcome to come round to the family house, which is hardly shutting her out, and means the children would get to see both their dad and their grandma. In insisting on staying in her own house, MIL is isolating herself and depriving her grandchildren of family time. YANBU, OP. Tell him he must talk to her about coming to your house as a first step.

[TracyBarlow]

However devastated she is, seeing her three times a day is absolutely OTT. Id try to agree with him to start cutting down gradually until he has more balance. It's unfair of him to put his mother over the happiness of you and the kids, his first responsibility is to you.

[PHANTOMnamechanger]

surely she has friends and hobbies? reading - so she can join a book club, or go to the library? Knitting - she can knit tiny blankets and hats for the SCBU at your local hospital. Is she well enough to volunteer in a charity shop, or hear kids read in school? Does she love her garden? Has she always wanted to learn flower arranging or to paint or ANYTHING? I know 70 year olds who do yoga, pilates and swimming, as well as WI, bingo etc! Did she sit around the house all day when FIL was alive?

There is something very odd that neither of them see this as a problem.
I'd have been at the end of my tether over that level of visiting months ago! And he is missing out on a whole year of his kids lives! You need family time, you need couple time and YOU need your own time too - when are you getting that if he is never there to sort the kids out?

[Pilgit]

He's having an affair (without the sex) with his mother. He is putting you and his children second. Every time. He cannot replace his father. If I were you I'd be a lot less reasonable about it. He cannot see the damage he is doing - well its about time it was made clear to him. YANBU. You have been incredibly understanding but it's time to stop sacrificing yourself for it.

[drinkscabinet]

Mum was widowed in her mid 60s just under 5 years ago. She lives next door to my DB and SIL and is very involved in their lives, she does the wrap around care for the GC and gives DB lunch on the days SIL works (DB works at home). She gets on well with SIL and they are backwards and forwards all the time. But... DB and SIL still have lives without her and do very well out of the arrangement (very competent and willing babysitter being the main one, they have regular 'couple' trips away while she looks after the GC). Mum has lots of friends and travels regularly (to visit family and on trips associated with her hobbies) and is out regularly (got to keep busy as she puts it) with her hobbies/exercise classes/social life. Of course, Mum and Dad had always had hobbies that they enjoyed separately so Mum had that ready network in place and her friends have been great.

Agree with PPs that you need to start mixing things up. How about initially suggesting she only needs one visit a day but that needs to be different mixes of the family, not just DH alone all the time. And really she should be coming to you as often as DH goes to hers, how about getting her to babysit the kids and get her to come round early to give them tea and put them to bed so she can spend some quality time with them (or even have them stay with her) while you and DH go out and have some couple time together. I like the suggestion of you taking her to a hobby based group one evening a week, how about doing some pottery or life drawing (!) or painting together or a book club. Or even going for a swim/exercise class together.

I think at the moment the balance is very uneven but if you do all get on then it should be possible to rejig the balance so it has less of an effect on your family life. And after nearly a year she really should be starting to rebuild her life, it doesn't mean she's forgotten your FIL, but if she doesn't do some work then the grief has the possibility of turning into depression and that would be terrible for everyone.

[dodobookends]

How about - when it is your evening out, take the kids to your DMIL's house, leave them there with her and go out. Your DH will then find them there when he arrives. He will then have to spend time with them as well as her, and he will also have to take them home and put them to bed, since you are out all evening!

[DPotter]

dodo - you're a genius! what an excellent idea - hope this could work for you Gun

[redshoeblueshoe]

yes dodo that's a great idea.

[SylvaniansAtEase]

You are not being unreasonable.

Your DH is really, REALLY not helping her.

Maybe get him to read this thread?

This could be her life situation for 20, 25 years. She HAS to forge a new workable life. It's been nearly a year, that's a good time to start - and if the only way that will happen is if your DH 'forces' her to, by starting to pull back - then he must. If he really, genuinely wants her to be as happy as she can then he must, even if it's hard. Another few years of this and she will be a shell - she will retreat, permanently into herself and not only will it possibly destroy your relationship and have a terrible effect on your children long-term... it will also render your MIL helpless, friendless, and unhappy.

And then there's you. This simply isn't right - there is a difference between supporting his parent and totally abandoning his other, more important commitments. They ARE more important, too - his marriage, but most of all his childrens' wellbeing. What is the use of supporting one family member so much that others who genuinely depend on you are damaged?

It is a really silly situation. Not only is he actually hindering your MIL's grieving process, he's destroying his own family. Show him this thread.