To think my husband is at fault here?

[AmIjustgrumpy]

Husband has a track record of ruining my clothes by either washing whites with colours or tumble drying everything. He has no need to get involved in my washing at all and I gave up washing his clothes a few years ago when he couldn't be bothered to even make sure they made it into the laundry basket. This morning he suddenly realises that he has no clothes so needs to do some washing, he finds a load of mine in the machine which has been there for a couple of days. He takes it all out and puts it in the tumble dryer and then asks me to take out the things I don't want tumbled. I go to the tumble dryer and notice that it all smells and needs re-washing and tell him so and as I was going out ask him to re-wash it when his wash is finished. At the same time I put some new clothes on the utility room floor which are dry. Instead of re-washing the stuff in the machine he tumbled the stuff in the machine. He is absolutely furious and saying it's all my fault.

[Icimoi]

YANBU. As you say, leaving stuff in the washer is a total side issue. If you asked him to take the stuff out of the tumble dryer and he managed to forget what you said, he's a bit of an idiot and not entitled to get in a bad temper.

Can you impress on him that he is NEVER AGAIN to do anything whatsoever with your washing other than, if necessary, taking it out of the machine if you've left it there?

[diddl]

Has nobody else ever left washing in a machine?

In general I wash mon, weds, fri.

I once went to put the wash in on a weds to find the mon load still there!

[MamanOfThree]

diddl I know. But surely, apart from the stuff he doesn't want to do, he can't be that stupid, can he?

OP you know it's actually a line Ive given to my DH at a time when he just seemed to completely unable to do things.
That he clearly wasn't stupid and that if he couldn't manage to put a load to wash properly then there was a big issue
he tried the 'oh but that's a new washing machine. I can't/don't know how to use it. My answer was the same. You can read so you can read the instructions and do it right. Just like I do

[wafflyversatile]

You fucked up in the first instance. You left him not very clear instructions. You broke your own rule about not letting him touch your laundry, and when things went predictably wrong you're annoyed at him?

I don't think you can have this one.

YABU [knocks gavel on bench]

[BatteryPoweredHen]

If you are really this het up over the financial implications of the loss of your clothes, then you can't afford to tumble dry.

What a stupid attitude to take - I have no sympathy don't get me started on your selfishness re the waste of scarce resources either

[AnnaBegins]

No idea why people are commenting on the left washing... I often have to rewash something e.g. If it wasn't finished before we went away overnight, or if our washing machine throws a paddy and leaves white marks on things.

I don't think yabu, you made a simple request which he didn't listen to, he knows that was out of order so is turning it back on you. My DH has now learnt to check which things can be tumbled of mine, but still grumbles that I don't let him put whites with coloured! This is after years of shrunken jumpers and ruined delicates (I now have a separate hidden delicates pile...) It is inconsiderate and expensive therefore wasteful.

Most adults can follow a simple request and as your DH I don't think it is unreasonable to expect him to listen to you when you ask him. Also you can get attached to clothes so it is hurtful when they are ruined. Can you explain to him it would be like you ruining something he cares about (book/car/games console) by doing something he'd specifically asked you not to? Would that help him understand a bit better?

[AmIjustgrumpy]

BatteryPoweredHen - I wouldn't say I was overly het up about the financial implications over the loss of clothes but it does come into it, the once worn camisole was ?25.00 and not only that it is kind of irritating to have to go and get a replacement, the dress was ?100 and had been altered by a dress maker so yes kind of irritating it is now ruined.

And.....yes I can afford to tumble dry. Sorry if that bothers you so much but I don't tumble what doesn't need to be tumbled and I do tumble what does. I don't want a hard crunchy towel so will happily tumble it after it's dried 75%.

Anna - you got it in one - he knows he was wrong and is turning it back on me. He told me to go fuck myself about 30 times, punched the tumble dryer door and threw a plastic pot at me because I was so unreasonable to go "oh no" as I saw another piece of clothing ruined by his hands. But hey the woman is always the unreasonable one

[Yellowbird01]

You both sound totally unreasonable

[chippednailvarnish]

But hey the woman is always the unreasonable one

Especially when she drip feeds.

[AmIjustgrumpy]

Sigh..

How am I drip feeding?

Fuck me this is harder work that dealing with my extremely frustrating, irritating and lazy husband. I think I will go back to that as there is no winning in society for women!

[Raveismyera]

OP I didn't understand the post initially. But yanbu although it really does sound like fuss over nothing. It's happened, it's irritating, life happens

[ASettlerOfCatan]

So you left clothes in washer until they stank?
Your DH moved them into the drier and ASKED YOU TO REMOVE ANYTHING THAT YOU DIDN'T WANT TUMBLE DRYING. (Because he doesn't know what is dryer safe)
You realised it stank and asked him to rewash it for you (despite seeming to be VERY against him doing this) and DIDNT REMOVE ANYTHING NOT DRYER FRIENDLY.
He put the dryer on without thinking.
You had a shit fit.

You both suck at laundry. Learn to laundry.

[ASettlerOfCatan]

Seems he threw a shit fit back. I would be pissed at clothes ruined as well but you have to take some responsibility since YOU just left them there soggy for 2 days.

[Gabilan]

In this wash is a very nice dress that can't be tumble dried as well as a new pair of trousers that again have shrunk. He ruined a brand new white camisole that I had worn only once. I don't think it's at all petty to be annoyed that a top you just paid ?25 is ruined - maybe you all have more money than me!

I doubt it, as I don't have the money to tumble dry things and don't own a tumble dryer.

By leaving washing in the machine for 2 days you are showing him that you don't care that much about the washing - it won't do fabric any good to sit around wet for 2 days. And if you don't care about it, why should he?

How am I drip feeding?

Well it's pertinent to this discussion that he isn't pulling his weight with regard to housework. And it's even more pertinent that he was then very aggressive. That completely changes your original story. To start with from your OP I would say you're both pretty unreasonable. However, if he's punching things then he is very unreasonable.

Although you sound quite whingey to me. That in no way excuses his behaviour, but you still sound huffy to me and are evidently on here looking for validation as you object to anyone who disagrees with you.

[AmIjustgrumpy]

Thanks to all of you that have bothered to read properly - it means something.

To those that have said I am drip feeding - I stated very early on that he is lazy and he was furious - nothing changed there.

What I have learn't from this thread is yes we are still in the 1950's and yes men are expected to be absolutely fucking useless and yes women are expected to put up with it or they are whingy for not putting up with it. Damn shame and if it were the other way round it would be a completely different thread.

[AmIjustgrumpy]

Gabilan - I am not "showing" him anything.

I didn't take my clothes out of the washer - they were not ruined in any way shape or form. They smelt and needed to be re-washed but they were perfectly okay. He took my clothes out of the washer and put them in the tumble dryer, when asked not to tumble them but to wait until his wash had finished and then re-wash them (or he could have left them if he felt like not doing something for me which is usually his style) he turned the tumble dryer on and now three of the items are ruined.

How on earth is any of this my fault????

[chippednailvarnish]

You both clearly have far bigger issues than the washing.

[RandomMess]

If I were you my dh would not have actually listened to what I said hence the mistake happening and I too would be furious because yet I again he hadn't bothered to listen to me.

So YANBU, however I wouldn't have left the stuff in the tumble dryer at all if I didn't want it drying.

We have multiple washing baskets including a one for "others" which is shorthand for "dh do not wash these clothes" usually because they are stained, or silk or something else that needs beyond sorting into darks, lights and red/purples.

[Canyouforgiveher]

He told me to go fuck myself about 30 times, punched the tumble dryer door and threw a plastic pot at me because I was so unreasonable to go "oh no" as I saw another piece of clothing ruined by his hands.

The ruined washing is the least of your problems. Are all your disagreements like this? That's no way to live. I'd be gone.

[AdeleDazeem]

YABU
I'm not 100% on all the details but you've asked for a straight answer so that's the answer.
(I'm going to pop back new and try to figure out the question)

[butterfly133]

OP
Your first post was actually really confusing

But you should have said how he reacted, punching things and swearing is awful. Is he normally like that?

[stayathomegardener]

I think your mistake was confusing the poor lamb by asking him to rewash your clothes.
I imagine he had no intention of doing this and then forgot, just bunged his things on top of yours in the tumble dryier without really looking and pressed play.

You are being unreasonable to stay with such a horrible individual, shrunken clothes or not.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

He told me to go fuck myself about 30 times, punched the tumble dryer door and threw a plastic pot at me because I was so unreasonable to go "oh no" as I saw another piece of clothing ruined by his hands.

If this is how he behaves, he is abusive. LTB.

[SmillasSenseOfSnow]

It sounds like he has absolutely no respect for you or your property. LTB.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

"how is this any of my fault?"

The part that is your fault is expecting him to unload all the smelly wet stuff from the tumble dryer, when you KNOW he's crap. You KNOW he is lazy, yet you left your stuff in the dryer and he turned it on.

You could almost say you'd set him up to fail, but I don't believe that - I do, however, think you were silly to have left the stuff in the tumble dryer, and for that you need to take partial responsibility.