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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or is DS1 a selfish arse?

126 replies

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 04/07/2015 12:57

Having a little weekend lie-in this morning, with DS2 and DD perched on my bed chatting. I asked DS2 and DD if one of them would like to be so kind as to bring me a cup of tea in bed, which they often do.

DS2 (aged 10) rushed off and made me tea but said the cup was too hot to carry up. (He hasn't ever had a problem with this before, but maybe it was fuller than usual or something?)

I suggested that DS1 (aged 15) could carry it up. DS1 refused point blank, he hates helping me the smell of tea, thinks it gross and won't go near it, he said that if he carries it up the next think I'll be asking him to actually make it and there's no way he's doing that etc.

I asked if he expected a lift to his GF's house as usual today. He said yes, and so I replied that he wouldn't be getting one as he was so unwilling to help me.

He kicked off about how ridiculous I was being, was generally rude and obnoxious, carried on shouting, so I told him to leave my room, forget it and shut the door.

15 mins later I wander down to make myself tea and asked DS2 where the cup was. Turns out DS1 has brought it upstairs and left in on the landing without bothering to tell me it's there.

So now he expects a lift, as he DID bring it up. I refused as it seemed like he had done the bare minimum to ensure he got his way, but I still didn't get my tea!

So AIBU not to bother giving him a lift? BTW, DS2 lent him £3 for a bus, which also annoyed me as I know he won't bother paying DS2 back.

OP posts:
Hairylegs007 · 05/07/2015 00:50

Also you could take the heat out of the anger by saying 'yes I can see that's frustrating for you' or 'I understand how much you want a lift'. Empathising with how he must feel but standing your ground calmly and politely is the way to go.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 05/07/2015 01:05

Oh my goodness, he's a right little charmer isn't he!

OK.

Never mind the chat, just withdraw all privileges (like lifts to his GF's) until he starts behaving like a decent human. Tell him you'll always love him but you don't love his behaviour. Get him to learn how to do his own laundry, his own sandwiches etc. Cook his main family meal, but everything else, he has to earn.

Board of Doom sounds like a plan but be prepared for him to refuse to engage.

Topseyt · 05/07/2015 01:58

Love bombing is bollocks IMHO, though I am sure plenty will disagree with me there.

He knows you love him, a d that is why he feels safe to behave as he does.

It's about enforcing boundaries and not allowing him to disregard them, and not tolerating unacceptable behaviour.

He can get himself to his girlfriend's house and make his own sarnies if he thinks you do it wrong.

DoreenLethal · 05/07/2015 02:12

OP - did you take him to the girlfriend's house in the end?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 05/07/2015 02:26

Pretty sure he went on the bus, after mooching the money for it off his little brother, the one he wouldn't help out with the tea-carrying.

weaselwords · 05/07/2015 08:20

Going off on a tangent here, but one thing that helps me when wrangling with my stroppy youngest, is to remember what my job as a parent is. I want to produce happy, independent, confident young men who can survive in the wild. Not angry, frightened babies who can't cope without me.

Youngest and I had a massive row once, where he said he just wouldn't talk to me but would to his dad. I stood firm and said that he didn't get to pick if I parented him. He's tried this a couple more times, but is starting to get it now. Parenting isn't about what we do for them, but helping them through a turbulent time to stand on their own two feet.

It's so hard. I'm right with you OP in the parenting trenches.

AmIbeingTreasonable · 05/07/2015 08:44

Tough love time. This will get worse unless you do something now to nip this entitled attitude in the bud.
Stop doing anything for him bar providing food (of your choosing) and a roof. Turning off the wifi can be very productive also.
I'm a single parent of 3 adults so do know something of which I speak.

Original poster
MarkRuffaloCrumble · 05/07/2015 09:50

He's texted from his dad's house this morning "is there any point me coming home or will I just be left stranded at home again" and I replied that if that was his way of asking for a lift then no, he wouldn't get one.

His reply "of course not, You can just mistreat me because that's completely allowed"

I continued that however his bathroom needs a clean (piss all over the floor and loo left unflushed since yest a.m full of stinking pee) and there's some washing that he can hang out to earn a lift.

He said he'll be sleeping on the streets tonight if I don't give him a lift home, so something needs to change.

I have replied yes it does, your attitude.

Just too confrontational I know, but even by text he is rude.

OP posts:
CamelHump · 05/07/2015 10:02

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DoreenLethal · 05/07/2015 10:05

OP - that is not too confrontational! That's fab. If a partner was coming out with this then it would be called abusive.

Original poster
MarkRuffaloCrumble · 05/07/2015 10:08

Thanks both!

As soon as I sent I thought "aghhh this is how things escalate" but I can't have home trying to manipulate me. I nearly put something about using his phone to be rude resulting in it being confiscated, but didn't want to start a new row on top of this one! That will come under the heading of general rules of engagement when I sit him down for a calm talk at some point.

OP posts:
CamelHump · 05/07/2015 10:11

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Original poster
MarkRuffaloCrumble · 05/07/2015 10:12

Tendon, just googled that song - I am part of a choir so perhaps I will start singing that one around the house instead of my usual songs!

OP posts:
CamelHump · 05/07/2015 10:12

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Scoobydoo8 · 05/07/2015 10:43

Don't nitter at him.

From what you say def don't do this, but just in case due to the new arrangements there might be need to speak to him more often. Just say something once eg the sandwich bread is by the toaster. Don't say the bread is by the toaster, no response, I've told you have to make your own sandwiches and the bread is over there, no response, from now on you are making your own ................ etc . You get the gist. Or then you become a nag. Just say it once.

Original poster
MarkRuffaloCrumble · 05/07/2015 10:50

Yes I think chores and pocket money need to become more structured for all. Little ones will appreciate it and big one will realise he's earning nothing!

I've offered him money for jobs before but he can't see the point of working for anything less than £10 an hour (more than I get!) and if I offer him bus fare (£3) for doing a couple of jobs he'll just say he'd rather not bother and get a lift with his mate or borrow money from his mate (I'm sure his friend will get fed up with that at some point)

OP posts:
CamelHump · 05/07/2015 10:57

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BertrandRussell · 05/07/2015 11:07

Can I strongly adviseagainst linking pocket money and chores? In my opinion they should be two different issues. Decide what is the minimum amount of money he needs to live a normal teenage life and give it to him no strings attached. That will make him feel more independent and less beholden. My ds is 14 and gets £40 a month paid onto a payment card but we live in the back of beyond and he needs extra for bus fares. Then decide as a family what jobs need to be done to keep things ticking along. And divvy them up. Make sure his are ones that can be left a while without inconveniencing anyone (but him). And be super careful that it looks fair among the siblings. But don't bargain with money. Nobody can live without a bit of cash- including teenagers. And it's horrible to have to ask all the time.

CamelHump · 05/07/2015 11:16

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Original poster
MarkRuffaloCrumble · 05/07/2015 11:24

I must admit I prefer the idea that jobs are just something that everyone does as part of a family rather than something that needs rewarding but perhaps if I start by linking them until he gets into a habit of helping because he has to, then hopefully I can break the link. Otherwise I will be giving him £40 a month to be a lazy arsehole and refuse to do anything.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 05/07/2015 11:24

And if he doesn't? Back to square one. And if he does do an extra job he's going to expect to be paid for it. Every "Put the kettle on, love" or "Could you set the table?" that's not on the list will be met with either "how much?" Or "No, it's not on the list"

People need a bit of money to live. Families are happier if they live cooperatively. These two facts should not be blurred. In my opinion!

CamelHump · 05/07/2015 11:27

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sashh · 05/07/2015 11:32

Drive to his girlfriends without telling him. And without him!

Don't, but tell him you did.

IMHO no problem wit the odd cup of tea on a weekend, having to put your homework to one side to go make tea for someone else, that's when it's a problem.

basicbitch · 05/07/2015 11:34

Jeremy paxman on a grudge match

Grin
Yogasuz · 05/07/2015 12:54

Am reminded of the old Kevin and Perry sketches Smile