or is DS1 a selfish arse?

[MarkRuffaloCrumble]

Having a little weekend lie-in this morning, with DS2 and DD perched on my bed chatting. I asked DS2 and DD if one of them would like to be so kind as to bring me a cup of tea in bed, which they often do.

DS2 (aged 10) rushed off and made me tea but said the cup was too hot to carry up. (He hasn't ever had a problem with this before, but maybe it was fuller than usual or something?)

I suggested that DS1 (aged 15) could carry it up. DS1 refused point blank, he hates helping me the smell of tea, thinks it gross and won't go near it, he said that if he carries it up the next think I'll be asking him to actually make it and there's no way he's doing that etc.

I asked if he expected a lift to his GF's house as usual today. He said yes, and so I replied that he wouldn't be getting one as he was so unwilling to help me.

He kicked off about how ridiculous I was being, was generally rude and obnoxious, carried on shouting, so I told him to leave my room, forget it and shut the door.

15 mins later I wander down to make myself tea and asked DS2 where the cup was. Turns out DS1 has brought it upstairs and left in on the landing without bothering to tell me it's there.

So now he expects a lift, as he DID bring it up. I refused as it seemed like he had done the bare minimum to ensure he got his way, but I still didn't get my tea!

So AIBU not to bother giving him a lift? BTW, DS2 lent him £3 for a bus, which also annoyed me as I know he won't bother paying DS2 back.

I can't imagine how he is with his GF tbh! I haven't met her, in fact he waved me away the first time I dropped him off before he'd even ring the bell! He spends every weekend at her house but says she won't come here as she is "even more socially awkward than him" (his words!)

He did mention 'having to intervene' when she was buying shoes as she was going to buy something completely wrong. He said it in a jokey way but when I pointed out that it could be seen by her sister (who was out shopping with her when he descended on the shoe shop!) as controlling, he got really angry and said I was being ridiculous and that he knows the difference between having an opinion and being controlling.

I worry that his attitude will continue into his future relationships, but I suppose I need to keep it in perspective as he is only 15 and still learning.

I think OP is asking the question - when can I expect the dc to start giving back after all the stuff I've done for them? And that's fair enough.

I stopped doing sandwiches when I noticed loads of sandwich bags in various stages of green mould, dotted about the bedrooms. The excuse was that they 'didn;t like them' so they all now make their own, buy something (from their own money) or go hungry - from age 11.

I give ds2 a lift ot work (saturday job) but any hint of demanding, or expecting it, - and I've got something else to do. He can find someone else to do him a favour (he's 18 and can be tricky sometimes)

I've never had tea in bed, but they are a bit old to come and sit on my bed in the mornings now (and anyway they are usually still having a lie-in well after I;ve got up) Having said that, if I asked, I;m sure one would do it for me.

It's a parent's job to teach dc the ways of the world; as PP said, he will soon find out that the world does not owe him anything. A favour given is one earned.

exactly MrsGently, I think this was a straw/camel's back thing rather than an incident in it's own right.

I'm concerned about making it too much about his dad, I have said it before but in the heat of the moment, which isn't helpful, because he knows his dad was not loveable enough to stay here and so telling him he's behaving the same way is basically saying that I won't love him enough to keep him either!

I need to be careful about projecting too much of my relationship with his dad onto him. I am constantly aware of anything that seems EA when actually it is more likely just as people say, typical teenage selfishness. That's not to say I'll let him get away with it, more that it needs keeping in context.

We've had so many arguments where things he wants washed aren't clean and then he'll complain that I'm not keeping on top of the washing, I tell him he can do it himself, so he puts in a load of washing, takes it out, hangs up the one item of his and leaves the rest wet in the basket to fester until I find it!

Just self-centred and lazy, but not entirely 'bad' behaviour. As an adult, I can't imagine being this way, but maybe as a kid it wouldn't have occurred to me to complete the whole job, I don't know.

She wasn't being unreasonable, not really anyway. However, in the most simplistic terms, someone else had made her tea, but for some reason couldn't bring it up. Instead of waiting for it to cool, or empty it slightly, put it on a tray, get it themselves - they asked already tempramental teen to bring it up. Simple right? Except teen already has form for losing it over silly things, and says no. And now here we are. I don't think there's much more to say about the matter, except repeat it's a battle of wills. It should pass soon, he should grow out of it. He will have to learn that if he wants things done for him, he has to do things himself. Again though, I think you'd be better off starting with set tasks, sit down and explain that a bad attitude will lead to him losing out on things, but sticking to his 'chore list' will mean pocket money/lifts. If he choses to do extras for you, without being asked, he will find life goes even better at home for him.

Obviously I am sore about it Pumpkin. But I was expected to look after myself, no one made my lunches, sometimes not even my dinners. I would wait at home for hours whilst my mum was fed by her parents miles away. As well as expected to do other chores. This was before even my teen years, then having someone expect a cup of tea and breakfast in bed, because they've had a 'long week', yeah - I wasn't too impressed myself, certainly resented it. It taught me not to expect to be looked after, but appriciate it when someone does do something thoughtful for me.

Camel, that's how I felt - it was just enough of a 'fuck you' that he could deny it and pretend he was helping!

He insists it's because I told him to get out of my room when he was being rude, so I would have told him off if he'd brought it in

I think I'd try to find a calm time to have a little chat with him about the stuff I mentioned, maybe it will be a wake-up call for him, maybe it will make him think a little more about what he's doing, maybe it won't now but will later.

Ah sorry, xposted (watching tv at the same time!) - fair enough, leave that stuff alone then.

Just dig in, keep reinforcing the boundaries and telling him how you expect him to behave and following through with the consequences. You will get a perfectly pleasant human reappear in a few years time, honest. He won't stay like this.

My 13 year old is dreadful at the moment. Everything I ask him to do is a massive effort and I exist to serve him apparently. I asked his big brother if he remembered being like this at that age and he cringed and asked me not to remind him as he can't believe he was so vile.

I read somewhere, probably on here, that the closer they are to you, the worse they behave as teenagers to put some space between you so they can grow up. I am consoling myself with the idea that youngest and I must be very, very close in that case

Thanks Pumpkin and all the other posters for all your helpful feedback. Even those who think I am asking too much or should have given him a lift - it's helped to put things in perspective a bit.

Weasel, even that is hard for me to hear - he doesn't feel close to me, in fact he said while talking about his anxiety, that there are only 3 people he feels comfortable with, his dad, his GF and his best mate. Everyone else makes him feel uncomfortable. I appreciated his honesty, but it did hurt to hear.

Bet that's not true. Bet you get all the rough bits because you are the dependable one. Take that statement with a big pinch of salt.

I saw this mentioned on another thread this morning...alarm bells are ringing!

O.D.D

If I can give it a name will it help?!

I very much doubt that your teenager has oppositional defiant disorder because he didn't want to make you a cup of tea on demand. Talk about pathologising normal teenage behaviour. My daughter sometimes doesn't like being asked to do things either but I won't be making her an appointment with a psychiatrist any time soon.

Can I just add another voice to say that asking him to bring a cup of tea upstairs is utterly reasonable. (Though equally, I'd expect a 10 year old to tip a bit out or use a tray if they were feeling dubious about carrying a hot cup.)

And if you'd like to show your DS, my DD is 13 and definitely makes her own packed lunch, and has done ever since she stopped having school dinners (maybe yr 5?).

Op I am shocked at some responses, especially the poster who said if you don't want ds2 giving him money then give him the lift, no, give him the bus fare or tell him to walk! and all the people suggesting tea in bed makes you entitled! Ffs! Op does not want to be treated like a queen, she wants the things she does to be appreciated and reciprocated, that's what makes the world go round and that's what we should be teaching our dc, it's not about her son being a slave, it's making him realise life is about give and take! Op yanbu.

Does his dad still make him feel as that he can't do anything right? Do you know why he feels comfortable with his dad and you didn't get a mention.?

Mark, please do not go down the road of self diagnosing your teen. I mean that in a kind way, but it could go badly - really work against you. Especially if he or even his dad, the school caught wind of it. It could backfire in a bad way. You are highly unlikely to be a bad parent, at the moment you teen just can't relate to you - you are on different levels and neither can respect the other much. You have to take the bad with the good, accept he won't play ball on a number of things but on the other hand you can control some things. Praise the good, ignore the bad. Don't become an armchair psychologist and blame it on that.

Metal, I see you can easily quote the first thing I said and ignore the rest. This is more than sodding tea. It's about picking your battles with a teen who has other, bigger, issues going on. Even if it wasn't, again - it's nice to do these things, but it shouldn't be expected, just appreciated when it does happen, especially in times like these. I hope you do not have to deal with a teen that drives you to the end of your tether, metal. Believe me, you may actaully see where I'm coming from if you had. Someone has to be harsh about it, someone has to say 'don't expect it, not at the moment. Give them their own list to do, anything extra is a bonus at the moment'. It would be wonderful if the kids could do what they were told, even better without being told - but sometimes these small things are really not worth getting into, even though you think it's unfair, that you would like to be looked after for once. It's shit, but you keep strong and it passes.

Ah bless you! I've been on my own for 5 years now. I used to do everything and one day woke up to the fact that I'd be still doing everything until they were mid 20's or left home. Believe me, I have older friends who have young adults living at home who do nothing. My DS 19 and DD 14. So, I explained to my children that we all need to chip in with the household chores and to keep it ticking over. They iron their own clothes, cook a bit, make their own sandwiches, put their washing in the wash bin, (If it ain't in the bin, it doesn't get done - simple as). I've not seen my daughters PE kit, for some time now, but that's up to her. I've also just said the other day that I would like them to make a meal, just once a month. It's all about give and take. I mentioned a few new rules this morning, like bringing down empty bottles of finished shampoo and putting stuff on the shopping list, as it won't get bought, if i don't know about it. I sound like a dreadful Mother, but I'm not and I feel I'm putting them on the road to doing stuff themselves. We have a lot of laughs and my house is always open to their friends. Can you have a family meeting? We sometimes do that, just to air what we feel. Teenagers live in their own bubble and are incredibly selfish a lot of the time. I do get what you mean about a nice cuppa being made by someone!! The other day, my daughter made me one and put it in front of me without asking. I nearly cried!

OP it sounds more like teenager behaviour than ODD to me. Both my DC are coming out the end of the teenager years, older DC was pleasant most of the time and rubbed along with me quite well, we had moments but only occasionally. Younger DC has been more of an issue, she certainly knew which buttons to press, I'm not a single parent by DH does travel a lot for work and she really played me up then. She has never made me a cup of tea and just wouldn't. She expected lifts everywhere but if I said can you do this to help then I'll take you she would come up with a reason as to why it is not her job. She is better but not perfect for DH.

I can be quite stubborn and stopped doing her washing/ironing so now if she has no clothes to wear it is her problem not mine. I buty food that they ask for weekly but only one meal is cooked each night.