or is DS1 a selfish arse?

[MarkRuffaloCrumble]

Having a little weekend lie-in this morning, with DS2 and DD perched on my bed chatting. I asked DS2 and DD if one of them would like to be so kind as to bring me a cup of tea in bed, which they often do.

DS2 (aged 10) rushed off and made me tea but said the cup was too hot to carry up. (He hasn't ever had a problem with this before, but maybe it was fuller than usual or something?)

I suggested that DS1 (aged 15) could carry it up. DS1 refused point blank, he hates helping me the smell of tea, thinks it gross and won't go near it, he said that if he carries it up the next think I'll be asking him to actually make it and there's no way he's doing that etc.

I asked if he expected a lift to his GF's house as usual today. He said yes, and so I replied that he wouldn't be getting one as he was so unwilling to help me.

He kicked off about how ridiculous I was being, was generally rude and obnoxious, carried on shouting, so I told him to leave my room, forget it and shut the door.

15 mins later I wander down to make myself tea and asked DS2 where the cup was. Turns out DS1 has brought it upstairs and left in on the landing without bothering to tell me it's there.

So now he expects a lift, as he DID bring it up. I refused as it seemed like he had done the bare minimum to ensure he got his way, but I still didn't get my tea!

So AIBU not to bother giving him a lift? BTW, DS2 lent him £3 for a bus, which also annoyed me as I know he won't bother paying DS2 back.

Yanbu, what's wrong with children learning to treat their parents as people as well not just who is expected to do things for them. Where do you think they should learn the world does not telco love around them?Yes he sounds like a selfish arse, he can find his own way.

and thanks urterrible I do think maybe it would have been a good idea now to try and explain in a non confrontational way, but I just get so angry.

mrsgently op is a single parent.
Why the hell shouldn't she get a cup of tea in bed? Her son only had to carry it upstairs, not ship the tea from India

Thanks all. Making me feel better about it.

His dad left 3-4 years ago. He sees the DCs once a week. DS1 is a carbon copy of his dad, but funnily enough his dad can't cope with him either!

Part of the reason I split up with him was hating the way he treated DS, poor kid couldn't put a foot right, but now it's me that's at the end of my tether with him .

I laughed at the nobody he knows has to make their own sandwiches. My 13yr old had a friend over last night and made tacos.
You might have some luck with the "are you insane!" face. When he says something like how he's too good to do basic stuff just look at him like he's lost his mind. Throw in a "omg I really thought you were serious just then" laugh. A "suck it up princess " comment might work too.
You're basically letting him know that that kind of thinking isn't normal and a bit ridiculous.

Talk to him when he isn't being an arse.

Tell him these jobs are now your responsibility (just jobs doing his own stuff). Then heap on the praise when he does them.

Gosh your insights are making me giggle, thank you!

YouTheCat I have said that before, that my only job is to provide a safe clean place to live and food to eat, that anything else is a bonus and if it's not good enough he sort himself out. It just feels so mean though.

I want a better relationship with him, but it seems it all starts with me 'love bombing' him or some shit, when what I really want to do is send him to his dad's!

I can't believe that some posters think that asking for something as simple as to bring a cup of tea up the stairs is an unreasonable request to make of a teenager. How will they ever learn to be civilized human beings if even a simple favour is too much?

Like I said Gosh - I've been there. The one I was looking after wasn't even my own - try parenting alone when the kid already doesn't see you as such. I do sympathise, but I wish someone had told me to be a bit harsher as well. With teens, it's a case of picking your battles. Not all teens are seemingly selfish sods, but many will take the piss given half the chance. So, we get productive. You get it the way I make it, do it yourself, or not at all. Those are the three options, I will not engage in a discussion about it. Set list of chores, any extras done on own initative gets rewarded, any not done gets a pushiment. My paricular one was changing the wi-fi passowrd until set task was done.

I never got a tea in bed, once in a while I would have one offered during the day though, which of course was appreciated. The more you push against them, the more they push against you - pick your battles. I know it seems a small thing asking him to bring tea up, but in his head it goes "well I never bloody offered to make one to start with, if the tea is there, get it themselves", and it just escalates into a battle of wills (As seen when he brought the tea up, but didn't mention it). No point playing tit-for-tat in that situation, he's just waiting for you to make a big deal out of it in all honesty.

I did try sitting him down for a serious talk and we ended up arranging some counselling for him at school as he put his moods down to social anxiety and generally feeling unhappy with his lot in life. It's not so bad, he still sees as much of his dad as he used do (he works shifts and was rarely around and even more rarely engaged with us all). We are still in the same house, same school, DS has everything he needs/wants. I don't feel too sorry for him and I am adamant that our situation now is so much better than before the split.

I think he just has messed up ideas about what is normal.

As an example; he had his bike stolen last year. I replaced it (paid on credit card) as I felt sorry for him. He rode it for about 6 months then got bored and sold it for half the price it cost. He then decided he wanted a new bed and when I said I couldn't afford it, he retorted "well it didn't seem to be a problem when you shelled out £400 for a new bike did it?!" I was incredulous that he actually used my generosity as an insult!

Wow what an entitled arse you are imagine asking for a cup of tea the cheek of you you know what your son is 15 why the hell are you dropping him off yanbu and i dont care what anybody else says teen behaviour to that extent is rude and selfish if other parents want to put up with that then thats up to them I am with you op

Pick your battles, OP, pick your battles. This too shall pass.
I limit my requests to one a day to my two, and thank them for doing whatever it is even if it isn't done properly exactly to my standards.
Life is pretty harmonious and they don't often moan about whatever it is.
Indeed today DS2 age 14 came back at 1.15 from an activity and told me that he was indeed hungry and added how much he appreciates it that his lunch is always ready when he steps through the door from that activity
Bless him.

Mrsjayy, I used to tell him to use his bike but he insisted as it was a BMX it's not for actually riding - I'm sure that's half the reason he sold it!

George I can only dream of a day like that!

Sorry, you've just brought up memories of my own mother's demands to be treated like some sort of blooming Queen with teas being brought to her - if it's not mother's day, get your own.

WTF.

I was happily making my parents breakfast in bed (nothing fancy, cornflakes, fruit juice) at the weekends from the age of seven and taking it up to them. I have mild CP so I'm pretty sure more went over the floor than remained in the bowl.

It's come to a sad pass when a parent asking their 15 year old kid to carry (not make, just carry) a cup of tea up the stairs to them is seen as taking liberties or issuing demands to be treated like a "queen".

You have received some bizarre responses on this thread, OP.

Do you give him pocket money? You clearly give him lifts etc. Have a family meeting. Point out that you all live together and need to work together to get by. He needs to do his share to earn his money. Let him (and the others) make suggestions of things they can do and ways they can help. We used to have to go this occasionally but ds1 & ds2 are 19 & 17 now and things run pretty smoothly.

DS (18) was the same at that age. My compromise was that if he did something for me then I would do the same for him, e.g he would keep DD busy and I would get the crap laundry out of his room. His main chore is to feed and clean up after the dogs and in return I clear his laundry basket in his room (if it's not in it, it doesn't get washed) and gave him a lift to school on rainy days.

Keep being consistent and he will eventually come out on the other side. That's not saying that I don't have days when I go nuclear on DH, DS and DD, but those days are rare now. I have a HUGE whiteboard with a list of jobs that need to be done so everyone picks a job and rubs it out when done. The DCs have learned not to mention being bored because they get pointed in the direction of the borad of doom

DS now points out to DH the hypocrisy of him harping on about DS putting the laundry in his wardrobe while there is a pile on DHs side of the bed.

Take heart Mark IME 15 is the most difficult age; all that brain wiring makes for utterly self-absorbed, unreasonable people. Try not to pay too much attention to muttering, eye-rolling etc. He'll probably look back at this stage in his life and cringe.

IMO teenagers need a mix of a lot of patience and a kind of 'professional' response that is calm, quiet and brisk. They don't half test you!!! Try not to get annoyed with him, but explain that if he's unpleasant it doesn't make you kindly disposed towards him.

OK, you've had a serious talk with him already - but have you said to him what you've said here, that you didn't leave one selfish entitled slave-driver for him to be replaced with his junior copy? (Perhaps not in such confrontational terms though!)

I'm having troubles writing what I'm trying to say - I'm interested to know whether he feels that things improved when his Dad left, whether he realises he's copying his Dad's behaviours, whether he's actively trying to be like his Dad so he gets his Dad's approval, that kind of thing. Have you had that kind of talk with him?

What's his girlfriend like, is she nice? Do you talk to her? What's he like with her, that would be interesting to know as well.

*board...

Pumpkin - That's nice, you were glad to make a tea for you parents. You obviously felt happy to do so, didn't have any other issues going on - especially with said parent, like I was. She did expect to be treated like some special lady, and most certainly didn't deserve it, in my case, and I was just talking about my case.

Yes it's nice that kids do it - the younger son obviously likes doing it. But the op is slowly giving us a picture of a teenager having more than a strop. His behaviour is getting beyond, and 'bringning up the tea' is just a fight no one needs. I don't believe in letting kids becoming lazy sods around the home, expecting everything to be done for them, but there has to be some understanding of a young person who's behaving as such at the moment. It seems a little thing about the tea, but obviously there's a lot more going on underneath.

I LOVE the Board of Doom. Genius idea!

"I don't expect to be treated like a queen, but not like some sort of domestic appliance either."

Three cheers for you!!!

It's threads like this that explain why there are so many other threads with women complaining about their entitled arses of husbands and their enabling mothers in law.

And I hate all this "oh, that's just how teenagers are" stuff. No they aren't. Don't be so dismissive.

Ds1 was a bit entitled when he was 14 and would argue that black was white about the unfairness of it all

I was knackered -working single parent etc and it felt like living with Jeremy paxman on a grudge match ..

He's now 17 and quite lovely really !! He asked yesterday afternoon if his gf could come round that night, and offered to clean the toilets and hoover up .. I don't drink tea but he'll often nip downstairs to the fridge and get me a can of coke, or run out to get some milk etc

3 years ago he would have printed off several sourced journal articles aa as to why it was all deeply unfair

He's lovely now !!

Pumpkin - That's nice, you were glad to make a tea for you parents. You obviously felt happy to do so, didn't have any other issues going on - especially with said parent, like I was.

Oh, I had plenty of issue with one of my parents, and we were eventually NC for 11 blissful years.

But making breakfast for them at that point was probably more about being a "big girl" and able to do something "normal" that a lot of others kids did. I appreciate most children don't have motor problems so that reasoning won't apply to everyone.

She did expect to be treated like some special lady, and most certainly didn't deserve it, in my case, and I was just talking about my case.

Fair enough, but the example you gave of her acting like an entitled queen was her asking to be made a cup of tea. That doesn't sound entitled to me, just a normal thing a kid would do for a parent.

If it was only one a million things she asked you to do that day, then of course, that's different.

I don't think OP did anything unreasonable with regards to her request, unless there's some humungous (sic?) backstory we're unaware of.