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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DP should care that he's hurting me during sex?

45 replies

Pained1 · 04/07/2015 08:23

DP has this habit of digging his face right into my shoulder during sex. If he's not doing this, he's further away digging his face into the pillow. It's hardly romantic is it, that he can't be arsed to hold his head up during sex!! So this morning when he was digging his face into my shoulder I told him he was hurting me (bare in mind he has longish stubble too so it feels really sore). As a result he stopped completely. I told him that if he just stopped hurting my shoulder there wouldn't be an issue. He says there is no other way to do it Hmm we tried again and he immediately starts it again. I asked him to lift his head so I could look at him at least and he says it's not possible Hmm. He's managed before. He then decides he's too tired to carry on anyway and stops!!
AIBU to think he should care that I'm being hurt and also to think that this is a really lazy and disrespectful way to have sex on with someone?

OP posts:
3littlefrogs · 04/07/2015 08:24

Why are you with him? He sounds horrid.

Icimoi · 04/07/2015 08:25

Go on top?

ApocalypseThen · 04/07/2015 08:26

Well I don't know whether it's disrespectful, but if it hurts you it should be off the agenda and I'd be considering not having sex with a man who reacted as he has to your perfectly reasonable request ever again.

Appleblossom82 · 04/07/2015 08:26

This reply has been deleted

This poster has privacy concerns, so we've agreed to remove this now.

Tooooooohot · 04/07/2015 08:26

Wtf?! If he isn't your husband is shove him out of your life immediately. What a tosser!

LindyHemming · 04/07/2015 08:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pictish · 04/07/2015 08:26

Of course there's another way to do it. My dh doesn't do that to me.
Yanbu!

OneDayWhenIGrowUp · 04/07/2015 08:30

No other way to do it? Fnahahaha, yeah right.

I think your thread title is a little unfair and misleading btw, as he has stopped when you've told him he's hurting you so clearly he does care a bit, it's not like he's pinning you down and forcing a painful act on you against your will.

Sounds like you're just talking about missionary position? Do you have suggestions for other variations or other positions you'd like to try?

Original poster
Pained1 · 04/07/2015 08:30

He just goes through the whole thing like he can't really be arsed. As soon as we start he more or less flops to a side and carries on with as little effort as possible. I'm pretty sure that the standard way Is to lift himself up on elbows do we can at least look at each other and show a bit of affection. I know he's capable as he's done in like this on occasion. Suppose it depends on whether he can be arsed of not. Imagine if I got halfway through and then said "actually I'm too tired to carry on". Wouldn't go down well would it!

OP posts:
Fugghetaboutit · 04/07/2015 08:31

Do it doggy so you don't have to look at the idiot

FryOneFatManic · 04/07/2015 08:31

He sounds selfish. Is he selfish about other stuff too? I'd be taking sex off the agenda for someone like that.

Original poster
Pained1 · 04/07/2015 08:32

Yes I've told him lots of times we should try new things but unless I initiate it, he won't.
And yes he stops when I ask him to ... But with an attitude that screams out "go without then".

OP posts:
OneDayWhenIGrowUp · 04/07/2015 08:33

Also, if he's too tired or isn't in the mood after the critiquing then he's perfectly entitled to stop- he doesn't owe you sex.

Perhaps a conversation about this at a time other than whilst you're actually in bed doing it would be easier.

ApocalypseThen · 04/07/2015 08:34

But with an attitude that screams out "go without then".

Does he think he's that good?

Eminado · 04/07/2015 08:34

Gosh his attitude sounds terrible. I would stop having sex with him and tell him exactly why.

He acts like he is doing you a favour Shock. Tell him not to bother.

EsmeeMerlin · 04/07/2015 08:36

Even if he did not feel comfortable using his hands to lift up while he is on top of you, there are plenty of other positions you could do so that would not happen. Just sounds he can't be bothered and he wants to basically get what he wants and leave.

Sounds as if you need a honest chat about your sex lives.

pictish · 04/07/2015 08:37

So he's shit in bed then. No imagination, no consideration.
Lame. You can do better.

OneDayWhenIGrowUp · 04/07/2015 08:41

Imagine if I got half way through and then said "actually I'm too tired to carry on"

Erm actually I am happy to admit that on a rare occasion I have done this- and it went down fine. Because my partner is an adult, emotionally mature, caring individual who values my pleasure/experience in bed as much as his own. Sometimes he's needed to/wanted to stop, and that's fine by me too. I don't want to be having sex with someone who isn't into it in that moment- yuck.

You both sound a bit selfish/lazy tbh from what you've posted so far.

LindyHemming · 04/07/2015 08:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wanttosqueezeyou · 04/07/2015 08:46

So the choice is painful sex or no sex?
Assuming this wasn't just a one off, yanbu, he's an idiot. Thought about dumping him?

TheDowagerCuntess · 04/07/2015 08:46

Come on.

This is not as good as it gets.

pictish · 04/07/2015 08:48

Oneday what is the OP has posted to make you think she is lazy or selfish in bed too?
I've read and re-read her posts and I'm not seeing it.

Flashbangandgone · 04/07/2015 08:49

Just can't understand the replies that suggest that the answer to a man who is so disengaged during sex that he puts in zero effort and doesn't even care if he hurts you during sex is simply to change positions?!? Why would you even be entertaining having sex with someone who behaves like that?

FryOneFatManic · 04/07/2015 08:49

I don't see anything posted by the OP that makes me think that she's being selfish. Him, certainly.

MamaLazarou · 04/07/2015 08:50

YANBU, but I don't think the problem is that he is hurting you, it's that he is a lazy, selfish lover with no concern for your pleasure or feelings.

The way you have described him humping away with his face in the pillow makes me feel queasy and a bit sad. That's not lovemaking, that's using your body for an assisted wank.

Can you go to Relate?