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Original poster

To think that a career / work is not the be all and end all

338 replies

Cantz · 02/07/2015 21:11

I am 38 now, no children and I haven't worked a job since I was 29 and even the it was just part time. My husband works but I don't I have a blog that makes a little money and I sell some art work which brings in something but I don't have a career or a job I am mostly at home cooking, gardening and doing my own thing. It works for us and we are happy after 21 years together.
Lots of my friends have careers some are Doctors, others work in TV or in IT and we still have plenty in common. I want these women, my friends to have what makes them happy and of that is a career then great. I absolutely support the right of a women to do what she wants with her life but I am finding more and more that for me to choose not to have a career, especially as I don't have children is a total taboo.

It often feels like there is huge pressure to go out and get a job, that you cannot be fufilled unless you are in paid employment and that worse by not working you cannot possibley be contributing to society. There are lots of ways a person can make a contribution it isn't all about money or even having kids for that matter.

Surely paid employment isn't the be all and end all?

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 03/07/2015 18:18

But the truth is that his wages are his money and not yours. You will soon find out what's yours and what's his if you split up. If you're quite happy with this set up why should it be an issue for you.

cruikshank · 03/07/2015 18:31

Some activities are necessary for survival. Growing food (which incidentally the OP does) and building shelter are the two key ones I can think of. These activities are inherently useful. Whether you get paid or not for them doesn't make them more or less useful though. Then there are other activities that, while not strictly necessary for survival, are helpful in terms of understanding human nature, exploring the reaches of consciousness and so on. Things like playing music, telling stories, dancing. Again, these are useful regardless of whether money enters into the question.

So yes, I would agree that there are activities, that you can class as 'work' if you like, that are necessary. But even if you don't class them as 'work', they still remain necessary. So the mere act of work, in and of itself, is not necessary for survival. Indeed, I can think of many activities classed as 'work' that are not only not necessary for survival but actually hamper it.

Original poster
Cantz · 03/07/2015 18:31

It isn't an issue for me and it really isn't "his" money it is our money and it isn't that important, that is only your pertty narrow view. If he lost his job, became sick or we split up then I would deal with it I have worked in the past, I could do so again.

OP posts:
lemonade30 · 03/07/2015 18:33

I don't agree viv.
I earn a good salary my OH doesn't but my wage is our money we're a family it doesn't matter who earns it.

As I said previously the OP obviously enhances her husbands life sufficiently that he feels as I do.

Original poster
Cantz · 03/07/2015 18:33

Cruikshank thank you for your posts, it is great to hear someone with a more open way of looking at things.

OP posts:
Lweji · 03/07/2015 18:43

Growing food (which incidentally the OP does)

I hope she has a sufficiently large land to feed them both. :)

Lweji · 03/07/2015 18:43

Growing food (which incidentally the OP does)

I also used to do that, after working FT. So did my line manager.

Guitargirl · 03/07/2015 18:44

OP - I would not judge you at all - either out loud or inwardly - for the life choices that you have made. It's bugger all business of mine what anyone else decides to do with their life and if you are happy then good for you.

But I did wince a bit when I read this from one of your posts:

I am interested in this work fetish people seem to have as if work in and of itself is always a morally good thing, I am not saying it can't be but that the very act of work regardless of what you do as being good is strange.

I don't feel the need to work, just like I don't feel the need to have a child so that is fine, each to their own I guess.

At the risk of sounding extremely patronising - you do realise that if everyone had the same attitude to work as you then everything would grind to a halt? The medical services that you and your family rely upon, the supermarkets where you buy your food, the rubbish bins that get collected from where you live, your bank, your post, everything that makes your life liveable would just stop.

I don't for a minute think that having a job or a career is the be all and end all. But I am extremely lucky to have a career which I value and feel as though I make a contribution. I take a great amount of self-satisfaction from that, I have worked hard for it over the years and I make no apology for the satisfaction that it does bring me.

As others up thread have pointed out, I was also a bit struck by your naivety in thinking that having a degree and an MA would mean you would be 'alright' in the job market. I guess it depends on the field but just as an illustration: we have recently recruited for a relatively junior member of staff - salary of 25K. Of the 80 applicants we had for that position, about a third had doctorates. The person who we appointed did not. But had a wealth of experience in the field. The job market is a lot different from what you seem to think it is.

Lweji · 03/07/2015 18:49

To think that a career / work is not the be all and end all

For the record, I do agree with the title.

Except I still think that work is important. I don't let it, or my career, stand in the way of raising a child, spending time with him, being with friends, and having my own outside interests.
However, I also don't let any of these come between me and my financial independence, either.

Doobigetta · 03/07/2015 18:56

The point you are consistently missing, OP, is that we all have priorities other than work. We all have lovely creative things we'd rather be doing. We just fit them in alongside pulling our weight, because we're grown-ups. We all do the things you claim are of equivalent value to your husband as his full time work, alongside earning a living and contributing financially.

SirChenjin · 03/07/2015 18:58

I would deal with it I have worked in the past, I could do so again

Yes, after such a long break from the workplace you could, I'm sure, pick up some work doing something - and that work would be the be all and end all, because it would put a roof over your head and food on the table.

And it is his money in that he earns it and his pay cheque has his name on it. He chooses to put it in the central pot. He is the one who provides your lifestyle.

cruikshank · 03/07/2015 19:02

you do realise that if everyone had the same attitude to work as you then everything would grind to a halt? The medical services that you and your family rely upon, the supermarkets where you buy your food, the rubbish bins that get collected from where you live, your bank, your post, everything that makes your life liveable would just stop.

I know that you've addressed the OP about this, but you're missing the point. Yes, if people stopped treating illnesses or stopped growing food or stopped finding ways of disposing of rubbish (although incidentally I don't think any society in existence in the world right now has a proper answer to that one) then we'd all soon be in trouble. However, the exchange of money for this effort adds nothing to its usefulness. And some of the things on your list - banks and supermarkets for eg - are not only not necessary to survival but employ systems that cause damage to humanity and the environment that it inhabits. Again, that would be the case whether or not financial transactions were involved. But maybe, if financial transactions were not involved, these things would not exist in the first place? (Ok, that's certainly true of banks haha ... )

SirChenjin · 03/07/2015 19:04

That's the world we live in cruikshank - and it's the one which supports the OP's lifestyle.

Guitargirl · 03/07/2015 19:05

Cruikshank - I was talking about the reality of the world we live in. Not hypothesising about the demise of capitalism.

tormentil · 03/07/2015 19:18

Read to page two and got fed up. I'm on the same page as the OP. Barring necessity, work is over-rated. It's a feminist own goal that has reduced quality of life for all women. Well, not completely - but if you identify yourself by your education, career or earning power, then something has been lost along the way. Contribution to society, not just National Insurance payments, is what really matters.

Sometimesjustonesecond · 03/07/2015 19:18

Loads of people have bought into the myth that you are only valuable, as a person, if you are paying tax! That what you do is more important than who you are.

Yes, OP is financially dependent on her dh, which may be risky. But she cant live her life doing something she hates on the off chance her marriage breaks up.

Also, we are all dependent really. Independence is an illusion. Anyone could be made redundant tomorrow and in households where both salaries are needed to pay the mortgage the loss of one job would be equally devastating as in a household where there was a single earner paying that mortgage.

Also, pointless to say 'what if dh wanted to do this?' Her dh doesnt want to. He is one of those people who derives satisfaction from his work.

OP, I say do what makes you happy. Life is short and where possible should be spent doing things that bring you joy.

I also dont think laziness is a crime, so even if you were eating bonbons all day and watching loose women, I'd say so what?

Also dont think we have to contribute to society. Our only real obligation to others is not to cause them harm.

SirChenjin · 03/07/2015 19:24

No, 'loads' of people haven't bought into a myth that you are only valuable if you pay tax. Work is what keeps the economy going - and paid employment is what enables the OP to do what makes her happy. Ironic, isn't it.

Sometimesjustonesecond · 03/07/2015 19:34

But work isnt the only thing that determines a person's value. If she isnt costing the state anything to support her then I cant see why it matters whether she has a oaid job or not

SirChenjin · 03/07/2015 19:41

It doesn't matter to anyone else whether she has a job - of course not. Her OP, however, is about work/career not being the be all and end all, conveniently forgetting that actually, it is - someone else's paid work/career enables her to live a life of not working. If her DH lost his earning ability - for whatever reason - she would have to, surprise surprise, work! That paid work would become the be all and end all, because it would put food on their table and a roof over their heads.

Felix75 · 03/07/2015 19:46

OP why did you start this thread? Apart from to brag explain about your situation?

abearcalledpaddington · 03/07/2015 20:49

To be fair to the op, even though her partners job enables her to live the lifestyle she wants, who is to say she wouldn't find a way to do it on her own? Its very possible to live a good life on extremely little money, you only have to look at things like permaculture to see that.

You just have to think outside the box a little.

IamJeff · 03/07/2015 20:49

Nobody else's business if you work or not! You enjoy your life girl!

abearcalledpaddington · 03/07/2015 20:51

My thoughts on work are that you should find something you are passionate about, as lots on here have said they have, or if you cant do that then find something you can bear and do it as little as possible, and make your life fuller in other ways.

SirChenjin · 03/07/2015 20:57

How does permaculture generate enough income for an extremely good life then?

HaleMary · 03/07/2015 21:12

Leaving aside for a moment your strictures on the 'fetishisation' of work, when you say your husband gets as much from your marriage as you do, exactly what does that mean? What is it that stops this from being a deeply unequal dynamic, where one partner works 40 hour weeks and generates the entire household income, while the other, by her own account, potters, blogs and does some work in the garden, while priding herself on being 'unconventional', off the back of the other person's working life?

How exactly did your happy joblessness come about? Did you become unemployed and realised you liked it, or did you actually sit down with your husband and say 'I've had this epiphany. People fetishise work, so I've decided never to work again! You'll support me while I potter, right?'

i don't remember any mention of what your field was, when you worked...?