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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that a career / work is not the be all and end all

338 replies

Cantz · 02/07/2015 21:11

I am 38 now, no children and I haven't worked a job since I was 29 and even the it was just part time. My husband works but I don't I have a blog that makes a little money and I sell some art work which brings in something but I don't have a career or a job I am mostly at home cooking, gardening and doing my own thing. It works for us and we are happy after 21 years together.
Lots of my friends have careers some are Doctors, others work in TV or in IT and we still have plenty in common. I want these women, my friends to have what makes them happy and of that is a career then great. I absolutely support the right of a women to do what she wants with her life but I am finding more and more that for me to choose not to have a career, especially as I don't have children is a total taboo.

It often feels like there is huge pressure to go out and get a job, that you cannot be fufilled unless you are in paid employment and that worse by not working you cannot possibley be contributing to society. There are lots of ways a person can make a contribution it isn't all about money or even having kids for that matter.

Surely paid employment isn't the be all and end all?

OP posts:
Whatthefucknameisntalreadytake · 03/07/2015 21:28

I was brought up to believe that work is important and never to be reliant on someone else to sustain me. Obviously there are exceptions to this, SAHMs, people unable to work etc, but I am afraid I would judge someone who had opted out of work and was reliant on their partners income, male or female I don't think its a particularly admirable way to live. Having said that I recognise its none of my business so if I met you in real life I wouldn't say anything.

cruikshank · 03/07/2015 21:43

I was talking about the reality of the world we live in. Not hypothesising about the demise of capitalism.

I was talking about the reality of the world we live in as well. And I was pointing out that this notion of seeing the use of labour in exchange for money being a marker of personal worth, of morality, of fairness etc is not intrinsic to human needs. It's just a structure. It isn't about 'survival'. It's not necessary for life in the same way as food, shelter and water. And it doesn't have a moral value other than what we are told to ascribe to it.

SirChenjin · 03/07/2015 21:50

It's the structure which pays for our food, shelter and (clean, drinkable) water though

Lweji · 03/07/2015 21:53

It isn't about 'survival'. It's not necessary for life in the same way as food, shelter and water.

Money does buy necessary items such as food, shelter and water.
But we may perceive it as distant from those things, mostly because we live in societies with social security. And in this case, her husband provides these for the OP.
It would be different if she had to fetch water from the nearest clean source, build her own home and maintain it, and actually grow enough for her to survive each year, make her own clothes from scratch and so on.

Kennington · 03/07/2015 21:56

My career is super important to me but YANBU
I am rubbish at other stuff like art, sewing, be alone, cooking....!

cruikshank · 03/07/2015 21:58

Yes, but that's just how the structures imposed by people in power have grown up. We don't actually need them to be like that. We will always need food, shelter and water because they are necessities to support life. Money is not a necessity to support life. And having money, making money, losing money - none of this says anything about whether you are living a life that is morally good or not. What you do to get the money, yes, because that involves how you behave and how you treat people, but the mere act of exchanging labour for money is not, in itself, particularly righteous. Some jobs are. Some jobs aren't. Same as with all human activities. But just because an activity generates money it doesn't mean that the person doing it has a higher intrinsic human worth than others.

jellybeans · 03/07/2015 22:01

Yanbu. You only get one life, be happy. Work can be very over rated but like everything there are advantages and disadvantages to everything.

I have been a SAHM for 16 years (5 children) and have just finished a degree. I have loved being home and it was better for us as a family (DH job anti social hours). I don't regret it all, so grateful for that time

However, now is the time I feel I actually want a career and to earn money, even though we can manage on DH wage- just about. Part of me worries about being able to support myself if I ever want or need to (now the DC are older, it wouldn't have been in my mind so much when they were little as being with then was priority despite the risks). I love being with DC but also enjoy being with others and helping people, which my new career am about to start involves. I will be mostly part time so am hoping it will be a good balance. I love being home but there are some downsides. I was just thinking how much of my desire to 'get my working life back' is from social pressure etc or true choice. That's difficult to answer!

jellybeans · 03/07/2015 22:04

Great points cruickshank

I often think we take for granted this kind of society as 'normal' but when you unpick it it really isn't the best or only way to live.

Lweji · 03/07/2015 22:06

But there is a difference between making your life revolve about money, and actually earning your keep, be it in money or in kind.

SirChenjin · 03/07/2015 22:11

But just because an activity generates money it doesn't mean that the person doing it has a higher intrinsic human worth than others

No-one has said it does. What paid employment does in 2015 is buys the means to survive - which renders it absolutely the be all and end all. As Lweji says, there is a difference between making your life revolve round it and not, but if we return to the OP's premise, she has not demonstrated that she has been able to live without money from paid employment.

Sometimesjustonesecond · 03/07/2015 23:17

But she doesnt actually have to work in order to survive because her dh is happy to pay. Obviously if her dh couldn't or didn't want to do this, she would have to earn her own money.

Some posters are saying that even though she personally doesnt have to work in order to live, she should do so anyway. This is what I dont get. Why? If it brings her no personal satisfaction and she gains mental stimulation in other ways. Why is the OP working seen as necessary even if it isn't necessary to live in her particular circumstances.

Twowrongsdontmakearight · 03/07/2015 23:42

I understand where you're coming from OP. If i understand what you're getting at, the reason you posted isn't to be smug but you feel that since you don't criticise your friends' choices to have careers you don't feel it's fair of others to criticise your family's choice to allow you to stay at home or make you feel less of a person.

Some people define themselves by their job but like you, I never did, despite my career path being 'successful' and well paid, it was just a means of getting money. When DS2 was young I gave up and became a SAHM. Everyone told me how bored yet it couldn't have been further from the truth. I was never more content and fulfilled. My household was much happier and everyone felt well taken care of.

I think the scaremongering posters who try to make you feel that your DH must feel resentful because he earns and you spend actually don't get it at all. You being at home and creating a lovely atmosphere for DH to come home to probably makes you both happy. It's part of the 'deal' that makes up your marriage. As another poster said further up the thread, you don't expect the taxpayer to finance you and as a couple you pay more tax than if you both earned £17.5k rather than one £35k.

If your choices suit your family and make you both content then it's nobody's right to criticise.

Lweji · 03/07/2015 23:45

since you don't criticise your friends' choices to have careers

Why would anyone?
Would she criticise her OH?

SirChenjin · 04/07/2015 00:04

Sometimes - because that's not what the premise of the OP is. She doesn't need to work to survive because someone else works to ensure her survival. That be all/end all that she is so scathing about is what feeds, clothes and supports her.

Perhaps the wording of her OP was just ill thought through.

maddening · 04/07/2015 00:06

It. May not be everything to everybody but unless you are supported financially and comfortably so the it is very important to most - for most of those money is a major factor and then you have the enjoyment, emotional, social, intellectual etc drives that are individual - it isn't for you and you can afford the choice but others thrive on aspects of their jobs and their own personal development that they gain through that - it is not a wrong way to be nor is yours - your life sounds lovely and that is great but it is your life and experience only and others see the world in another way.

Lweji · 04/07/2015 00:44

Strictly, her oh can afford for her not to work.

SleepShake · 04/07/2015 01:10

YANBU.

There are plenty of people on MN who work full time AND do all the housework and cleaning!

Your setup sounds much more fair than the above.

Kampeki · 04/07/2015 01:23

It works for us and we are happy

Sorry, I haven't read the full thread, but for me, the sentence above for your OP sums it up.

It wouldn't work for me, but it works for you and your DH, and that's what matters.

thecook · 04/07/2015 02:06

Stealth boast Op.

Unconventional? Lazy arse more like. Do you not feel guilty that your husband is paying for your lifestyle? Where does the pocket money you earn go? Ever thought of being financially independent. I could not sponge off somebody.

Lweji · 04/07/2015 06:45

I do think it would be interesting to hear the husband's side.
I wonder if he's really that happy.

Whipnaenae · 04/07/2015 06:54

I haven't RTFT, but I agree that work is not the be all and end all, however I would like to know what 'contribution to society' you are making OP? it all sounds very self-indulgent and, well, nothingy.

32percentcharged · 04/07/2015 07:33

I smell a rat now that rhe OP has started saying that her 'unconventional' approach to life is what attracted her DH...

OP- it works for you- super. But please don't start imagining that you're some kind of special human just because you don't work. Remember, in many couples, both parties enjoy gardening, cooking, blogging, pottering about doing this and that, plus gaining fulfilment that complements that through a career, and often being a parent too.
IME they don't tend to start threads about it though... Maybe they're too busy just getting on and living their life rather than over analysing it.

Seffina · 04/07/2015 08:43

If her DH was unhappy in his job, and wished to take on a job with less hours/pay that resulted in a loss of household income, it does sound as if the OP would be happy to earn more money.

IME, there are some people who seem overly focussed on career progression and/or making more and more money. Most people try and find a balance that means they have 'enough' money but for a few there is no such thing as 'enough'.

Also, how are we defining 'contribution to society'? There are many ways to contribute. How many hours of 'contributing' should people be doing?

SirChenjin · 04/07/2015 09:19

It wouldn't be a case of being happy to earn more - she would have to work.

I'm getting the impression that the OP is very child-like - even in her twenties she only worked part time, presumably with her very young DH supporting her. I wonder if she ever really worked, or if she went from being supported by her parents to being supported by her DH, and consequently has this idea that work is beneath her and/or something that other people do.

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 04/07/2015 11:05

Op, I see nothing wrong with your setup. It works for you and your DH and that is all that matters.

But you certainly hit a nerve for a lot of posters!

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