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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend owes us money ,they are going on holiday , but no offer of any money back to us AIBU

49 replies

Mooycow · 02/07/2015 10:44

Last year , a friend was finacially in a bad way , unable to work as licence was suspended (long story), my DH offered to lend him some money to pay bills , eat etc. No offer of any money back as yet (I am unsure of agreed payback time as friend is due to go to court to get back monies owed etc) we are not desperate for the money it was savings.
Today he popped in for a coffee and mentioned to DH that they are going abroad for 2 weeks as not had a holiday and with past events feel they need a break ? I do not disagree they need a break , but still no offer of paying any money back ?? AIBU ,even if it was agreed to pay the money back from court awarded funds would you still go away without offering to pay back some/ all the money owed first ?

OP posts:

gamerchick · 02/07/2015 10:48

If the money is meant to be paid back from expected money then I would understand putting a ring fence around it. I can understand then because that money is being paid back out of that that any other money can be used for other things.

Who pays all their debt off before having a holiday?

Morally is a different story but in your shoes I would keep well out of it.

Heels99 · 02/07/2015 10:49

Time to be assertive. When he mentioned the holidsy you could have said 'great that your financial situation is much better. Let's agree a timescale for you to repay us the money you owe'.
Sounds like you are waiting for them to decide when to pay it back, which looks like it could be never, so you need to be more proactive or accept that you won't get it back.

getyourgeekon · 02/07/2015 10:49

I wouldn't mind. I would expect a repayment plan to be in place and be happy that they're getting a break.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 02/07/2015 10:50

No way would I go on holiday if I owed money, can't believe people who do!!

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 02/07/2015 10:51

Tbh it boils down to that old saying 'don't lend what you can't afford to lose.'

treaclesoda · 02/07/2015 10:53

I would be furious. Everyone loves a holiday, but they are not essential, no matter how much you feel you deserve one. Paying back money that you have borrowed from someone who was kind enough to help you out of a hole on the other hand...

Nettletheelf · 02/07/2015 10:54

I don't think that you are being unreasonable at all. The neck of them!

If I owed a friend or family member money, I'd be paying them back before I considered non-essential things like holidays, no matter how much I felt I 'needed a break'.

I agree - time to set out repayment terms. Your friends may never recover what they are owed through the courts, but they'll still be in debt to you.

Something similar happened to me once: I loaned my sister £1k because she couldn't make her rent one month, then a couple of months later she announced that she was off visiting a college friend in Bermuda! She couldn't see the problem, because she thought that she'd just pay it back when she had a spare grand. I learned the hard way.

ExitPursuedByABear · 02/07/2015 10:55

Can't you ask your DH what repayment plan they agreed too?

I feel your pain. I hate asking people for money. Someone owes me £65 at the moment but whenever it is mentioned on the phone I say "Oh, don't worry, just give it to me next time you see me". And then they don't....

BettyCatKitten · 02/07/2015 10:55

Yanbu, that's downright rude. He should pay back any money borrowed before going on a jolly. I'd be seriously pissed off!

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 02/07/2015 10:57

Agree with being direct and assertive!

Agree a repayment plan. Also depending on how much the loan is, ask them to give you a larger initial amount - as they've presumably got themselves money from somewhere... would ask as an initial payment of betweenn 30 and 50% of the amount... Divide the rest into 6/12monthly repayments!

Was it clear to them that it was only a loan? And not a gift?

derxa · 02/07/2015 10:57

You are far too nice for your own good. Ask for your money back and be prepared for the 'friendship' to end. I am tighter than a duck's arse though and have never lent money or been asked to do so. If you are very wealthy then maybe write it off.

treaclesoda · 02/07/2015 10:58

I have only every lent a friend money once. It was only £40, but she was a close friend from work, and she was crying saying that she had to pay her electricity bill and didn't know what to do. I knew a lot about her circumstances and I do believe she was short of money in general. However, it was a Friday afternoon and another colleague asked if we fancied going for a drink after work and instead of politely declining she went out for a drink, then out for dinner, then on to a club. And told me all about it on the Monday. Meanwhile I had declined the invitation because I couldn't afford it.

I did get my money back, but I decided never again to lend money.

SolidGoldBrass · 02/07/2015 10:58

Bear in mind that he may not have paid for the holiday. My mother-out-law (me and DS dad are not a couple) likes to treat us to a family holiday each year (we are talking a couple of days on the Isle of Wight or some such) but I don't have a great deal of spare cash myself.

treaclesoda · 02/07/2015 11:00

Oh, good point about them maybe not paying for it themselves. I didn't think of that scenario.

Nettletheelf · 02/07/2015 11:03

If the holiday had been paid for by somebody else, wouldn't your friends have told you so in order to reassure you that they weren't spunking your cash on jollies?

AnyoneForTennis · 02/07/2015 11:07

how much was it?

WinterOfOurDiscountTents15 · 02/07/2015 11:39

LEnding someone money doesn't give you any right to butt into their lives. You don't even know what the agreement for repayment was, since you were not party to it.
Your dh lent money to his friend, you don't know the details. You also don't know who paid for the holiday (could be family help, or credit card, or anything else). IT's none of your business.

RB68 · 02/07/2015 11:53

I think you have to look at things in balance - they clearly do need some time to recoop, to refresh and move forward - as a line under their experiences, there is something around maintaining mental health here. If the agreement is out of court repayments then completely not unreasonable if they are currently pending.

However (and speaking as someone who does owe someone else several thousand pounds as they helped us out of a hole last year) yes these things do need to be done with a nod to those you have lent money. ie Don't take the piss. We are about to start repaying monies but have also struggled this year as we are consolidating several years of no money and on benefits and this year trying to go it alone without any benefits (ie tax credits) increase investment in our business and so its a whammy all round at the moment and we are struggling but my view is if we don't start paying back soon it will be even harder in future. Hubby would put it off longer I think.

Having said that communication with your hubs hasn't been great so you need to clarify the sitch with him too - he might have made a much looser agreement than you think and so they feel no obligation as yet.

KERALA1 · 02/07/2015 12:10

Hmmm. Tbh if you've lent them money it kind of is your business. When you re mortgage for example the bank is all over your spending they even queried our veg box!

Unfair I know but if someone is chaotic enough to need an emergency loan from friends I would be questioning whether you will ever see that money again. See poster aboves husbands view of wanting to "put off" their repayments...

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 02/07/2015 12:13

Of course it's the OP's business!

Original poster

Mooycow · 02/07/2015 12:16

It was ?1800 , and I have no issues with the money being "lent" i was not privvy to the repayment agreement , and if agreed it was to be paid when court award is payed out then so be it , BUT if a holiday to FLORIDA, 4 adults , 2 weeks is being afforded then wait for the money and go then .

OP posts:

NRomanoff · 02/07/2015 12:18

Speak to your dh, are you sure he set some sort of repayment? Or hasn't told them not to worry about it?

mistymeanour · 02/07/2015 12:19

You need to talk to your DH about it - he made the arrangement. Perhaps he was really nonchalant about lending the money and his friend took him at his word that it really was no problem and to pay it back when he recouped the disputed monies.

Personally I would pay back my debts first - after all he can't be hard up anymore if he can afford to go abroad - I can fully understand why you feel a bit .

Tangerineandturquoise · 02/07/2015 12:31

Fine they need a holiday- but so do the millions of other people living hand to mouth who can't have a holiday this year, because of debts and low income.
If someone has been kind enough to help out with a holiday then that could have been a week in Europe. It didn't have to be two weeks and they could have helped the couple repay your loan.
If the couple have enough space on their credit card for a holiday- they could shift around how they are spending to free up cash to pay you back.
If you can't afford to repay £1800 you can't really afford two weeks in Florida because even if hotels and travel were paid for by others the day to day spending will have to be met by them-surely

BarbarianMum · 02/07/2015 12:34

They might need a holiday but a holiday in Florida is not necessary if you owe money unless you in fact live there. Time to have a stern word with your DH and see what's been agreed.

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