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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend owes us money ,they are going on holiday , but no offer of any money back to us AIBU

49 replies

Mooycow · 02/07/2015 10:44

Last year , a friend was finacially in a bad way , unable to work as licence was suspended (long story), my DH offered to lend him some money to pay bills , eat etc. No offer of any money back as yet (I am unsure of agreed payback time as friend is due to go to court to get back monies owed etc) we are not desperate for the money it was savings.
Today he popped in for a coffee and mentioned to DH that they are going abroad for 2 weeks as not had a holiday and with past events feel they need a break ? I do not disagree they need a break , but still no offer of paying any money back ?? AIBU ,even if it was agreed to pay the money back from court awarded funds would you still go away without offering to pay back some/ all the money owed first ?

OP posts:

Purplepixiedust · 02/07/2015 12:37

They might have paid for holiday on credit card or borrowed from somewhere else. Not really your business.

If your DH agreed they could repay when they get reimbursed they have taken him at his word. Can't you ask him what was agreed?

YANAgurl1973 · 02/07/2015 12:44

Sounds like my brother who borrowed 13 grand of our parents redundancy money to pay bills. They ended up going to NYC and now planning a hol abroad for his 40th. There was an agreement to pay 200 a month back. Kept to it for a few months then nothing. Been about 7 years now. Couldn't live with myself if this was me :(

SanityClause · 02/07/2015 12:55

If you don't even know the full facts, then how can you expect others to say whether they are unreasonable, or not.

Ask your DH when they intend to repay the money. It may well all have been agreed.

I do understand how you feel, though. We have a client who always pays really slowly, and quite often goes on expensive holidays, while owing us money. Very annoying.

SolidGoldBrass · 02/07/2015 12:59

If your DH has said to the friend, pay me back when your court case is settled then it is not unreasonable of the friend to be spending money on other things in the meantime as that was the agreement. If the friend had come in whooping that the case had been settled and they were spending the payout on their hols, with no mention of the debt owed to you, that would be wrong, but if your H has told him not to worry until the settlement then it's your H you need to take it up with.

TBH if you do not need the money at present, the fact that you lent it to someone doesn't mean you have bought that person or the right to pry into his/her business.

downgraded · 02/07/2015 13:04

YABU to lend money with no kind of repayment agreement. It's asking for trouble.

However, now that you have done it, I don't think you can come over all Methodist about whether they go on holiday/shopping/out for dinner.

You should have lent the money either with conditions, or if it was lent freely, it should be given freely and you cannot then dictate how the family budgets going forward.

Was it definitely a loan? Might they believe it to have been a gift?

I think YABU.

downgraded · 02/07/2015 13:04

YABU to lend money with no kind of repayment agreement. It's asking for trouble.

However, now that you have done it, I don't think you can come over all Methodist about whether they go on holiday/shopping/out for dinner.

You should have lent the money either with conditions, or if it was lent freely, it should be given freely and you cannot then dictate how the family budgets going forward.

Was it definitely a loan? Might they believe it to have been a gift?

I think YABU.

NameChange30 · 02/07/2015 13:20

Your DH was unreasonable to lend a significant amount of money without discussing it with you first or at least telling you all the details after the fact. If he didn't agree on a repayment plan at the time he was also foolish as well as unreasonable.

You are being unreasonable for asking advice without having discussed it properly with your DH and found out exactly what was agreed. We don't have enough info to make a judgement, and worse, you don't either.

It might be "cheeky" to go on holiday when they owe money but it depends on the agreement when the loan was made, and how the holiday is being paid for. Lending money is a big risk (and an amount like that is a recipe for disaster in a friendship IMO) so tbh if you're willing to take that risk you have to be willing to lose the money. Judging/policing how much they spend on holidays or anything else is hardly going to make for a positive friendship.

Hissy · 02/07/2015 13:25

Oil and water
Friends and money
Never Mix

You'll be VERY lucky if you ever see that money again. I hope you can afford to lose it.

IMO your DH was an idiot for lending it.

SisterMoonshine · 02/07/2015 13:41

I'd be too embarrassed to tell someone I owed money to that I was going to Florida.

MuffMuffTweetAndDave · 02/07/2015 13:54

To be honest I'd be more worried about the fact that you haven't been made fully aware of the arrangements. You say the money is savings and you don't need it right now, but if it's a significant enough sum for you to feel annoyed, I'd say it's a significant enough sum for you to be entitled to be told when the money will be repaid. So I'd be as pissed off with your DH here as with the friend. Especially as he made what sounds like an offer to lend without speaking to you first. Did you discuss it prior to the loan?

QuintShhhhhh · 02/07/2015 13:59

Gaaah, if they mention holiday again, how about saying "Oooh lucky you, we cant afford a holiday this year, as unexpectedly used all our savings, as you know. When are you paying us back, by the way?" Or something equally PA?

Amber76 · 02/07/2015 16:42

My dh loaned about 5000 to a friend 4/5 years ago - he's paid back part of it but there is still about 1500 outstanding. We see photos of him on Facebook abroad on holiday and know that he has spent money on a lot of luxury items in this time. I can't imagine us having enough money for a holiday or anything very nice for a long time. But it was a decision my husband made - I wouldn't say a word. It's frustrating though.
And my husbands brother has yet to give us a wedding gift (tradition in their family to give a set cash lump sum - he would have received this from us when he got married)... Told us they were too broke at the time but are currently sunning themselves in Portugal.
It's very bad form and definitely makes me think less of a person. Neither a borrower or a lender be!!

Talismania · 02/07/2015 17:33

If the agreement was he would pay you back from a settlement he hasn't received yet, then yabu imo.

If I owed someone money and had agreed to pay it back say in October and then I got a credit card in August and used hat to go on holiday, I don't think that would be wrong. As long as I paid the money back when it was agreed

derxa · 02/07/2015 17:36

Neither a borrower or a lender be!!
I'm glad someone has said this at last. People who 'borrow' money like this are complete shits in my book. Flame away!

NameChange30 · 03/07/2015 15:00

Amber That's a lot of money and a long time you've been waiting to get it back.
"I can't imagine us having enough money for a holiday or anything very nice for a long time. But it was a decision my husband made - I wouldn't say a word."
Why the hell wouldn't you say anything?! If you can't afford a holiday "or anything very nice" why the hell did your "D"H make a unilateral decision to lend his friend £5k?! That's a huge amount of money.
I'm amazed at these men just giving their mates thousands of pounds without even discussing it with their wives. Idiots and disrespectful ones at that.

Hassled · 03/07/2015 15:04

I'd be hopping - 2 weeks in Florida when he owes his very kind mates £1800 is really, really taking the piss. You prioritise debts - a holiday's a luxury and if you can't afford one the world won't stop turning.

MargotLovedTom · 03/07/2015 15:11

AnotherEmma completely agree. Unless a couple are keeping their finances entirely separate (which would probably entail living separately quite frankly), then of course is of some concern if large sums of money are being loaned out by one partner in the relationship, without the knowledge or agreement of the other partner. Am baffled people would see it otherwise.

schokolade · 03/07/2015 17:45

It is rude. For all he knows you're going without your much needed break so he can have his on your money. Not on.

Downtheroadfirstonleft · 03/07/2015 17:57

"Who pays all their debt off before having a holiday?"

Err, anyone with any sense??

gamerchick · 03/07/2015 18:22

so all those people who have holidays are totally debt free? nobody on holiday has a mortgage or other credit?

I find that quite hard to believe.

Hidingmyidentity · 03/07/2015 18:38

Mortgage or other credit is hardly the same as owing a friend money.

gamerchick · 03/07/2015 19:18

No but that's what I was on about in my first post.

Some people work by ring fencing money to pay for whatever, it doesn't occur to them to pay it off earlier which is what I'm pretty sure
Has happened here.

If a customer gets something out of my catalogue it wouldn't occur to most of them to pay it all off if they score a lumpa.. They would just carry on paying monthly under the terms set.

You have to open your mouth and say something if you would prefer it paid sooner if possible instead of bitching about it.

SuperMoonIsKeepingMeUpToo · 03/07/2015 19:46

Totally outrageous to go on holiday when owing friends, I certainly wouldn't do it. YADNBU.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 03/07/2015 19:49

Heels' suggestion is good. Don't be passive aggressive, it's so pathetic. Just say, what Heels said, it's upfront and polite. Get that timescale agreed and put it on a proper footing now.

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