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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be fed up and upset about dp's attitude towards me?

134 replies

Marilynz · 01/07/2015 04:42

On Monday, DP and I get back from a tiring and stressful (but fun) camping trip. Ever since, he's been an arsehole and I'm fed up. It started on Monday when he called me into the dining room to look at some photos of the trip. Before he put the photos on the computer, he answered a message on Skype. So, without reading the message, I said "oh is that DSS (I knew it must have been and he's the only person he talks to on Skype), how is he?" I ask. By this point my son had also enterered the room to look at the pics. DP snapped "he's fine!". Confused when my ds left the room, dP launched a verbal confrontation with me saying the conversation was private and he doesn't want me questioning him about his son!! I said I'd only asked how he was!! He snapped back that the issue was that I'd asked in front on my son Confused. Anyway he rattled on and on, despite me saying I wasn't interested in the contents of the convo, I was literally just asking how the lad (who's 18) was!! He wouldn't back down, continued to insist I was out of order and I should understand why etc etc Hmm I refused to argue with him and just said he'd took it the wrong way and I didn't wish to discuss it further ffs, but I was upset.
Last night was awful. We'd both been at work all day, I came home, went back out to shop and did a weeks shopping, came back, made tea for everyone (all whist dP is playing on the computer!) and later gave him a random foot massage whilst we watched tv. We went to bed smiling. Now, we have two bathrooms upstairs, the main one and the en suite. I don't use the main one unless I'm getting a bath so bypassed it on the way to bed and got ready in the ensuite. I noticed it smelt a bit and that someone had opened the window. "Someone has shit in the ensuuite right before bedtime, how irritating" I thought and made a mental note to speak to DS about being more considerate. Then, I hear all this moaning and complaining coming from the landing where dp has gone off on one about the state of the main bathroom (which I hadn't been in remember). Apparently ds had taken a shit in there, not flushed it and left it in s state. Ffs I think and make another mental note to go ape at him in the morning as he is old enough to know better. With that, dP bursts into the bedroom and launches into a full scale verbal attack on me, saying I'd ignored it and should have sorted it myself. I told him I hadn't been in there and he retorts that as usual, I'd walked past a bathroom which was obviously in a state because I couldn't be arsed. He tells me he's not a fucking mug and things need to change as he's sick of me and my "fucking posse" being selfish and lazy and expecting him to be a "fucking mug". Shock I was taken aback by all this because I honestly hadn't done anything wrong! I hadn't noticed it was in a state as I assumed the smell was coming from the ensuuite (especially as the window was open) but he wouldn't stop attacking me. I chose not to argue back (speechless more like!) and said he should just have spoken to me, not laid into me full force. He refused to back down so I just said goodnight to him. A few minutes later I went to hug him and he said he was far too angry with me and would have to go without a hug Hmm he called me lazy and said he was sick of me. I was really upset, we'd gone upstairs fine and he just turned on me like that. Fucking lazy after I'd done the shopping and cooked his tea after been at work all day and then refusing to hug me goodnight?? And after last nights episode I'm sick to death of being his verbal punch bag! Actually quite upset still, could barely sleep all night, 4.30 am and I'm sat posting about it on mumsnet because I can't get it out of my head. I'm exhausted :-(

OP posts:
DragonWithAGirlTattoo · 01/07/2015 13:47

OP - how many warning signals do you want?

I googled your user name and mumsnet, and here are some of the threads you have started.

Has anyone called off a wedding and ended the relationship ...
To be fed up and upset about dp's attitude towards me? 30 Jun 2015
DP comparing our wedding with an ffing festival 18 Jun 2015
To be upset at DP accusing me of flirting? 17 Jun 2015
DP makes it sound like he hopes I fail. AIB too sensitive ... 16 Jun 2015

This is not a witch hunt, but 'D'p sounds like a total arse, and really, you should think again about what you actually want from life and is he that? Do you want someone like that in your life?

I get that you feel trapped, but come on, lets get you out of this and in to a happier place xxx

spanky2 · 01/07/2015 18:50

You are stronger than you think. You must be as you have tried to make this work very hard and against the odds. Life is short. You already know from your other posts that it's not right, you're not happy and the the way he treats you is undeserved. Trust your instincts. Trust yourself that you are worth more. Trust yourself that you can make a change for the better when he can't.

MasterchefIwish · 01/07/2015 21:20

Better to lose two years paying his house then be stuck with him in an unhappy marriage. If Dragon is correct about those being your threads then just the titles show what bad news he is. What will he need to do before you cut losses and leave?

He sounds like he is gaslighting you, trying to keep you on edge which is a control thing and on his way to being abusive.

Yes your DS was disgusting to make a shitty mess and he should clean it up but all your partner had to do was have a word with him himself or ak you too.

ValancyJane · 01/07/2015 21:59

I used to have one who would fly off the handle over things like that, and threatened to break up when I tentatively argued back. He cried when I dumped him.

I have never said this before, but I would LTB - you can do better. You don't sound happy at all. You always have a choice, no matter how much it might feel like you don't.

Rainbunny · 01/07/2015 22:15

Take this as a gift - he is showing you who he is and what he thinks of you by his actions and this is before you are married, so use this information and LEAVE HIM!

This is the first time I have been posted here and said that to an OP but he clearly doesn't respect you and thinks he should be able to behave however horribly he wants towards you and that you should put up with it. I can't imagine he has fostered a good relationship with your DS either given your examples.

I know the process of breaking up, moving out, the financial stress etc... are huge things to deal with but I'm afraid a breakup is inevitably in your future with this man in any case- better now before you are married and have wasted more money on his house. Sorry this is harsh I know.

OhEmGeee · 01/07/2015 22:24

This is the Glastonbury man isn't it? And the man who doesn't support your career. I don't know what else you want anyone to say.

He isnt going to change. You are miserable, leave him.

DoreenLethal · 01/07/2015 22:28

The number of threads you post will ramp up between now and the wedding; it's just a wedding, you don't have to go through with it - nobody will care in a year's time. Just cancel now whilst you are still in a position to do so.

amarmai · 01/07/2015 22:29

cut your losses. The longer you stay ,the more you will have invested-time, energy, emotions, money, you son's and your chances for a happier life. Your son left the room when he heard this man start in on you -AGAIN. This is not the way for you or your son to live.

AdoraBell · 01/07/2015 22:32

The process of breaking up will be far harder if you marry him OP. As others have said, he isn't going to magically change into a decent person just because you marry him. He will continue as before increasing the abuse each time.

Don't subject your son the that, both you and he deserve much better.

DragonsCanHop · 01/07/2015 22:50

Walk away and chalk it up as a near miss, he sounds dreadful and you sound down trodden Sad

maddening · 01/07/2015 22:57

e wants out of the relationship - he wants you to do it - imo

maddening · 01/07/2015 23:00

Oh and he is gaslighting you - there is no way that it is normal to escalate like that - over nothing - he wanted a row, he did this on purpose - either abusive or wants to cause the row that ends the relationship.

pandarific · 01/07/2015 23:05

You need to leave - you really do.

Purely from a practical point of view, are there any household items that you bought out of your own money that you can take with you and sell to recoup some cost? I'm thinking dishwasher etc, that kind of thing. Go back through your bank statements from the last 2 years if needs be, but make sure you take everything that you paid for. Gumtree the lot and walk - he's vile, you're worth so much more.

morethanpotatoprints · 01/07/2015 23:14

Sorry love, but he's somebody else's ex for a reason. This is probably the reason.
What a complete wanker, I also agree that after 24 years married and 27 years together my dh has never acted like this.
We've had some arguments and come through difficult times, but nothing like this, it isn't right, love.
Leave while you can and don't marry him ffs.
Thanks for you x

LineRunner · 01/07/2015 23:21

Have you posted under different names before, OP? The set up with the older SDC and your DS and your crappy DP seems familiar.

CainInThePunting · 01/07/2015 23:25

Oh Christ, you do know you must not marry this man don't you? This is just the tip of the iceberg. These are his true colours and it's only going to get worse.
You must have a record of the money you have invested?
Speak to a solicitor.

WhereYouLeftIt · 01/07/2015 23:26

"It's like he knows that the one way to get to me is to threaten me with ending the relationship, almost like a control method."^
It's not like it- it is it Sad.

"If I walk now, he's had two years of my income going into his house - and I leave 3 months before I'm due legal rights to any of it."
If you try to hang on for three months, there's a good chance you will be a gibbering wreck. He's got you doubting yourself already, and walking on eggshells. It won't get any better, if anything he will escalate. And as for being due legal rights - I don't think this will happen, even if you did stay. You posted "This is something we are supposedly sorting out in October so maybe that's why he's turning into king arsehole, the time is approaching isn't it." He will simply choose to not sort it out come October.

Write off the money, think of it as rent paid if it helps. Get yourself and your son out of this environment, it cannot be good for wither of you. Walk away - it will be for the best.

ASettlerOfCatan · 01/07/2015 23:45

I can't see him coming good on legal rights. So many red flags here. This relationship is not healthy. Please get out. Take the advice above and go build a new life for you and your son.

AdeleDazeem · 01/07/2015 23:46

"If I walk now, he's had two years of my income going into his house - and I leave 3 months before I'm due legal rights to any of it."

Nah, he won't let that happen. He would prefer to abuse you into leaving but that's not essential. Your two years of income is not recoupable. That money is gone. From a financial POV all you can do is not put any further money into his house.

From a protecting-your-mental-health (and that of your son) POV; run.

amarmai · 02/07/2015 00:12

you would presumably have been paying rent for those 2 years? Stop putting your son and yourself thru this abuse. Get out now.

scarletforya · 02/07/2015 00:18

You don't give someone a foot massage after they were an asshole to to you. You don't try to hug someone either. It's worrying that you did that and didn't see anything wrong with it.

You probably have some work to do on your self esteem OP. Making yourself someone's slave doesn't bring you any respect especially if that person is abusive.

Don't marry this guy.

chewymeringue · 02/07/2015 00:24

Can you imagine trying to fight this awful man for whatever you're legally entitled to should you stay that long? What a horrible thought. At the very least I'd postpone the wedding.

TheDowagerCuntess · 02/07/2015 02:26

How are you doing, Marilyn?

Marilynz · 02/07/2015 19:00

Thanks for all the advice guys.

Things are more awful than ever and I am fucking livid.

We've not spoken since this whole argument blew up two days ago. Tonight, I was just getting ready to do my exercise video when he pulled me aside to have a look at the state of the bathroom. There was some clothes on the floor that I had taken out of the wash basket ready to wash but inbetween driving a 3 hour round trip to the orthodontist, doing the shopping, sorting my son out for prom, sorting out the rabbit and then rehanging the washing out that my lovely son had tried to help me out with .... I'd forget. So fucking shoot me.

This then escalates into round two of the previous argument. I think, deep down he was getting confused as to why I'd not yet tried to make up with him like I normally do so thought he'd have another go. Anyway I told him I was willing to have a calm conversation with him if he wanted one. He agreed. So - inbetween him jumping around like a fucking nutter, rattling on and not letting me speak, insisting that I was wrong about EVERY THING and that he was right about EVERYTHING I managed to get out the fact that today I had had a word with the kids about the bathroom (I mean, fucking hell in a normal relationship this could have been said two days ago). He then said I was wrong again because tonight he'd noticed the toilet had skid marks on it again. I calmly said "ok, well I'll deal with that tonight." he then said "well how come it took me to notice?? why didn't you notice??" so I lost it and shouted at him "BECAUSE IN BETWEEN DOING EVERYTHING ELSE I HAVE NOT ACTUALLY BEEN IN THERE YET!" for fucks sake I only got in at 4.15 myself!! Now I'm being punished for NOT going into the bathroom before a certain time? fuck that. I'm passed it now.

OP posts:
CassieBearRawr · 02/07/2015 19:07

:( Have you had any thought about what you want to do marilynz?