To be fed up and upset about dp's attitude towards me?

[Marilynz]

On Monday, DP and I get back from a tiring and stressful (but fun) camping trip. Ever since, he's been an arsehole and I'm fed up. It started on Monday when he called me into the dining room to look at some photos of the trip. Before he put the photos on the computer, he answered a message on Skype. So, without reading the message, I said "oh is that DSS (I knew it must have been and he's the only person he talks to on Skype), how is he?" I ask. By this point my son had also enterered the room to look at the pics. DP snapped "he's fine!". when my ds left the room, dP launched a verbal confrontation with me saying the conversation was private and he doesn't want me questioning him about his son!! I said I'd only asked how he was!! He snapped back that the issue was that I'd asked in front on my son . Anyway he rattled on and on, despite me saying I wasn't interested in the contents of the convo, I was literally just asking how the lad (who's 18) was!! He wouldn't back down, continued to insist I was out of order and I should understand why etc etc I refused to argue with him and just said he'd took it the wrong way and I didn't wish to discuss it further ffs, but I was upset.
Last night was awful. We'd both been at work all day, I came home, went back out to shop and did a weeks shopping, came back, made tea for everyone (all whist dP is playing on the computer!) and later gave him a random foot massage whilst we watched tv. We went to bed smiling. Now, we have two bathrooms upstairs, the main one and the en suite. I don't use the main one unless I'm getting a bath so bypassed it on the way to bed and got ready in the ensuite. I noticed it smelt a bit and that someone had opened the window. "Someone has shit in the ensuuite right before bedtime, how irritating" I thought and made a mental note to speak to DS about being more considerate. Then, I hear all this moaning and complaining coming from the landing where dp has gone off on one about the state of the main bathroom (which I hadn't been in remember). Apparently ds had taken a shit in there, not flushed it and left it in s state. Ffs I think and make another mental note to go ape at him in the morning as he is old enough to know better. With that, dP bursts into the bedroom and launches into a full scale verbal attack on me, saying I'd ignored it and should have sorted it myself. I told him I hadn't been in there and he retorts that as usual, I'd walked past a bathroom which was obviously in a state because I couldn't be arsed. He tells me he's not a fucking mug and things need to change as he's sick of me and my "fucking posse" being selfish and lazy and expecting him to be a "fucking mug". I was taken aback by all this because I honestly hadn't done anything wrong! I hadn't noticed it was in a state as I assumed the smell was coming from the ensuuite (especially as the window was open) but he wouldn't stop attacking me. I chose not to argue back (speechless more like!) and said he should just have spoken to me, not laid into me full force. He refused to back down so I just said goodnight to him. A few minutes later I went to hug him and he said he was far too angry with me and would have to go without a hug he called me lazy and said he was sick of me. I was really upset, we'd gone upstairs fine and he just turned on me like that. Fucking lazy after I'd done the shopping and cooked his tea after been at work all day and then refusing to hug me goodnight?? And after last nights episode I'm sick to death of being his verbal punch bag! Actually quite upset still, could barely sleep all night, 4.30 am and I'm sat posting about it on mumsnet because I can't get it out of my head. I'm exhausted :-(

textfan, exactly. If I walk now, he's had two years of my income going into his house - and I leave 3 months before I'm due legal rights to any of it. I don't like to be cynical but one might suggest that all this has more than crossed his mind.

He's made no secret of the fact that he's bitter about his ex getting half of their last house proceeds despite the fact that she never worked. Maybe he's punishing ME to get back at HER. Like a slap in the face to all womankind.

Then just leave my darling and put it down to experience....

Your sanity is worth more than him abusing you so he doesn't have to give you any right to his house.

Think of it as renting for the time you have been there...

A horrible situation.... But please don't waste anymore of your time/life on this piece of shit!

Don't waste your energy analysing him/relationship - use your energy to move forward to happier times for you and your son.

You are never going to get that money back.

Think of it as rent you would have paid anyway.

And get the fuck out of this relationship.

I would cut my losses and get my child out of that situation. What is it like for him to hear his mother get raged at do you think?

OP there are so many things wrong in your OP that I don't know where to start I'm sp sorry that you feel you have to put up with this idiot.

I rarely post on anything that involves other people's relationships as mine is, at times, far from perfect but, through all his faults, my DP would NEVER speak to me like that. He speaks to his DD twice a week on the phone and is nothing but grateful when I ask how she is and what she's been up to as he's happy I have shown an interest. I find his reaction to you asking after dss very odd!

I'm the same as you, I can't go to bed on an argument. DP and I have a 'routine' at bedtime and even if we've had a humdinger of an argument it's never ignored.

I think your P is holding all the cards here, and he knows it. As long as you and your 'fucking posse' wtf is that about! are under HIS roof I think there will always be this control hanging over your head. He will always treat you as second class.

It's easy for me to say but I would cut my losses. No amount of money is worth my self respect and happiness, and that of my child. Children are far from stupid, I get the impression this isn't the first time your P has been a massive twat, your DS will have picked up on the appalling attitude displayed towards you both.

Who knows, maybe this evening he will be completely different, act like nothing has happened and you will be so relieved that he's off your case that you're prepared to sweep it under the carpet....again. That sounds really flippant but IME that's normally how people like your P continue their bullying ways. My ex was a shite for this kind of behaviour and managed this cycle for 11 years before I upped and left with just the clothes on my back. (That's not what I'm saying you should do btw, my situation was different as in no dc, rented accommodation. Plus there was so much other stuff alongside his behaviour)

At the very least I would be considering postponing the wedding.

Why does it have to be sorted out in October. If you are considering staying until then to protect your money (I personally think you shouldn't, there has to be proof somewhere that you gave him it) can you get your name on the deeds now.

Posaiblt he is worried about losing half the house in the event of a divorce. If it bothers him that much he shouldnt have let you move in or be getting married. He certainly ahouldnt have accepted your money

"Maybe I was testing him. And not at all surprised by the result. "

That is exactly how bullies operate. They make you feel it is your fault.

He is a nasty, controlling bully, and the more you let him get away with it the more he will bully you.

Cut your losses and walk away. This situation will only get worse. Why did his marriage break down? Perhaps he behaved like this towards his ex?

He will get worse, leave. You just have to look at it as rent paid.

Abusive bullies rarely improve. Ignore the flags at your peril.

Can you explain why you have to wait until October? Why can't it be sorted now?

Is the wedding in October? Do you think if you marry him then you'll be entitled to half of everything. It doesn't sound like he wants to go through with the wedding. Please don't do that. Get legal advice, you may still be entitled to something. It's only going to get worse between now and October.

In some ways the money is a good thing as it allows you an opportunity to get him to clearly show his true colours.

Sit down calmly with him and explain that you have massive doubts because of a whole list of things but that you are feeling insecure about your children's financial future because you have no financial agreement in place. Then suggest you draw up a financial agreement now that gives you X amount back if you leave.

If he truly cares and about you and your children and wants to save a relationship and not leave you with absolutely nothing then he'll agree, as he has no reason not to. If he's controlling and abusive and doesn't give a shit about either your or your DC he'll refuse. And if he refuses now chances are there would have been further excuses in October and you would never have seen a penny back.

I suspect this is going to have to end with your cutting your losses to save yourself and your children from ongoing abuse, but I hope it doesn't have to.

I think that the only choice is to cut your losses.
I bet your son will be relieved. They can't have much of a relationship if you have to be the middle person. In a normal relationship he would just have a word about bathrooms to your son himself.

Have you paid part of the mortgage each month by transferring into his bank? Or did you pay a lump sum for home improvements? How much rent would you have paid in the two years? Is it a similar amount?

Post in legal. You are wasting your life with this man and your son is learning that being abusive makes your girlfriend want to marry you...

His ex didn't work but got half the house. Is that the ex who has brought up the 18 yo ss? Sahm? Red flag. Bet he sat on his arse then too.

I also find it odd thy he would just tell your son to tidy the bathro. Is there a story there?

Drop him.

He's absolutely revolting and it's horrendous to think of you cooking and rubbing his feet and apologising for living.

IMO, the sensible way to approach last night would have been for him to come in and say "that bathroom is a right state, can you tell your DS to sort it?" and I would have done.
Err, actually, if he had noticed it was the bathroom that needed sorting then he should've cleaned it, instead of playing on his computer, and then maybe asked you to have work with (I'm assuming your) DS if he didn't feel comfortable saying something himself.
I suspect he's the kind of person that would critisise you no matter what you did... He's clearly got one hell of a bug up his ass and is taking it out on you unfairly. If he has been open to "heart to heart"s before, would he up for couples counselling? However, if he's just going to go back on whatever he agrees to, then I think you're better off out of it.

Good God pay attention to yourself. Don't marry this man!

As you can see, you will always be in the wrong...you and your 'fucking posse'. No matter what you say or do, this arsehole is going to fault find, bully, intimidate and verbally abuse you until you are backed into a tiny corner that you can't get out of....while your children watch. What will they learn about relationships from this?

That men are King and women serf?
That you must see a relationship out to the bitter end, even if you are utterly miserable and treated like dirt?
That to verbally abuse and be verbally abused is normal...and therefore acceptable?

The problems you are experiencing with this fella are not your fault. It won't get better if you twist yourself up into knots to suit him. He will always be like this no matter what efforts you go to keep him calm and happy.

You aren't the problem here, your abusive bully of a boyfriend is.
Do not make him your husband.

Your poor son. Living with a man like this. I know, I know you're going to say he isn't always like this.

Of course he isn't. He's Mr nice and Mr nasty. Which means he is abusive.

You do realise that you are walking on eggshells with this man?

You do know that nothing you do will ever be good enough?

You can see that he resents the hell out of your son? Please don't be too harsh on your son today for the toilet issue. Yes it's gross but teens do that sort of thing occasionally.

The argument that ensued was very disproportionate to the event.

You can't fix this man. He's dysfunctional and he's always gonna be that way.

Don't let your son watch a man abuse you.

Get out. Run fast.

Unless you have handed over thousands for repairs treat it as rent and write it off.

Anything you brought fridge, TV etc you can prove. Take with you.

You will not be sleep walking into an abusive relationship you are already there.

Do not legally and financially tie yourself any further.

So you know...starting arguments and going mental over nothing/trivia/imagined slights is a common and very effective form of emotional abuse.

It's an abuse technique that allows the abuser to indulge in an abusive episode and tear into the victim, while maintaining they have every right to be angry or upset.
They don't you know - they're just fuckers.

Tbh, I would consider the last few years as rent and living costs and get the hell out. Life is too short to be wasted on fuckers.

I am sure that once you have done it you will be able to look back on it as a lucky escape.

I've just read your other thread asking if you should get married, I didn't realise this was you until I noticed the same details.. Please don't marry him.

Crikey, what a horrible man. I would seriously be reconsidering my relationship after even one of those incidences. His reactions were just so nasty and over the top. He is a bully.

I honestly would leave and not even think about marrying someone like that. I certainly wouldn't stick around till October. No matter where you lived you'd have had to pay rent so just try to look at it like that. You deserve better, so does your son.