To be fed up and upset about dp's attitude towards me?

[Marilynz]

On Monday, DP and I get back from a tiring and stressful (but fun) camping trip. Ever since, he's been an arsehole and I'm fed up. It started on Monday when he called me into the dining room to look at some photos of the trip. Before he put the photos on the computer, he answered a message on Skype. So, without reading the message, I said "oh is that DSS (I knew it must have been and he's the only person he talks to on Skype), how is he?" I ask. By this point my son had also enterered the room to look at the pics. DP snapped "he's fine!". when my ds left the room, dP launched a verbal confrontation with me saying the conversation was private and he doesn't want me questioning him about his son!! I said I'd only asked how he was!! He snapped back that the issue was that I'd asked in front on my son . Anyway he rattled on and on, despite me saying I wasn't interested in the contents of the convo, I was literally just asking how the lad (who's 18) was!! He wouldn't back down, continued to insist I was out of order and I should understand why etc etc I refused to argue with him and just said he'd took it the wrong way and I didn't wish to discuss it further ffs, but I was upset.
Last night was awful. We'd both been at work all day, I came home, went back out to shop and did a weeks shopping, came back, made tea for everyone (all whist dP is playing on the computer!) and later gave him a random foot massage whilst we watched tv. We went to bed smiling. Now, we have two bathrooms upstairs, the main one and the en suite. I don't use the main one unless I'm getting a bath so bypassed it on the way to bed and got ready in the ensuite. I noticed it smelt a bit and that someone had opened the window. "Someone has shit in the ensuuite right before bedtime, how irritating" I thought and made a mental note to speak to DS about being more considerate. Then, I hear all this moaning and complaining coming from the landing where dp has gone off on one about the state of the main bathroom (which I hadn't been in remember). Apparently ds had taken a shit in there, not flushed it and left it in s state. Ffs I think and make another mental note to go ape at him in the morning as he is old enough to know better. With that, dP bursts into the bedroom and launches into a full scale verbal attack on me, saying I'd ignored it and should have sorted it myself. I told him I hadn't been in there and he retorts that as usual, I'd walked past a bathroom which was obviously in a state because I couldn't be arsed. He tells me he's not a fucking mug and things need to change as he's sick of me and my "fucking posse" being selfish and lazy and expecting him to be a "fucking mug". I was taken aback by all this because I honestly hadn't done anything wrong! I hadn't noticed it was in a state as I assumed the smell was coming from the ensuuite (especially as the window was open) but he wouldn't stop attacking me. I chose not to argue back (speechless more like!) and said he should just have spoken to me, not laid into me full force. He refused to back down so I just said goodnight to him. A few minutes later I went to hug him and he said he was far too angry with me and would have to go without a hug he called me lazy and said he was sick of me. I was really upset, we'd gone upstairs fine and he just turned on me like that. Fucking lazy after I'd done the shopping and cooked his tea after been at work all day and then refusing to hug me goodnight?? And after last nights episode I'm sick to death of being his verbal punch bag! Actually quite upset still, could barely sleep all night, 4.30 am and I'm sat posting about it on mumsnet because I can't get it out of my head. I'm exhausted :-(

Seriously OP. You need to leave for you and your DS. This is not a man you want as a role model for your child.

I would rather scrape up the fragments of my self respect and dignity, my stuff, my DC and leave. Forget the money or anything else like that. Its an expensive lesson, I hope you have learned from it.

You are treading on eggshells every day, and it's entirely pointless.

You can be as careful and wary as you like, but you have NO WAY of predicting what will set him off, and as your OP illustrates, it's as likely to be something completely innocuous, that you could never in a zillion years have foreseen.

You can't live like this.

How does your DS (and any other DC?) feel about him. I bet they seriously loathe him.

I have never been spoken to like that in my life (and I'm no spring chicken), and the idea of my lovely Mum being spoken to like that breaks my heart into pieces. :(

PLEASE don't marry him. Why would you volunteer for a lifetime of this?

If you think that he will improve once you are tied to him through marriage, you are sadly mistaken.

Please put yourself and your son first and get out.

Going by the threads you have started here about your dp already, I think you're actually in quite a dark place atm OP.

You know this union is no use. You recognise that he's waste of your affections, loyalty and love. You are aware of what a piece of shit this relationship really is.
Like all victims of domestic abuse, you need to start listening to yourself again...like you did before you met this headfuck of a person. Stop letting him tell you that you are causing the problems, overreacting or just as bad as he is. His conduct is not ok. It is not justifiable, it is not normal and it is a far cry from what you should expect, and get, out of a loving relationship.

You can ask us what we think over and over again, and we will tell you what we think over and over again...but until you can find the self respect and willpower to trust yourself like you used to, you will be trapped in this agonising, emotionally distressing and damaging scenario. And so will your kids.

Speak to Women's Aid my friend. Read up on emotional abuse. Arm yourself with knowledge. You're not going to leave this fucker alone until you are totally confident it's not fixable (it isn't) or of your doing, so do the research...if not for your own sake then that of your children.

I wish you the very best of love and luck...and an epiphany.

Err, actually, if he had noticed it was the bathroom that needed sorting then he should've cleaned it, instead of playing on his computer, and then maybe asked you to have work with (I'm assuming your) DS if he didn't feel comfortable saying something himself.

Uh, no. While I agree that the OP's partner is a jerk, it sounds to me like the OP's son set this situation up deliberately to cause a row. A teen is well old enough to know to flush a toilet. This seems to me like a passive aggressive act.

P.s I was in an emotionally abusive relationship once. He did a lot of blowing up over fuck all - any reason to start a row and heap verbal abuse, aggression and spite on to me.
If I stood up for myself, even mildly, he would be furious. I was 'joining in' and 'just as bad'.
I would end up apologising to him to restore the peace.

Another tactic he employed would be to snipe in minor but determined ways...like if an object was in his way in front of the kettle say, he would swipe it angrily out of his way and glare at me while cursing under his breath. I would steadfastly ignore him not wanting to provoke a row. He would then find something else minor that had annoyed him and repeat the behaviour, becoming slightly more agitated and intimidating each time until my nerves were jangling. He would keep it up to the point where I would be unable to conceal my distress any more and would inevitably snap at him.
This was the jackpot for him and he would gleefully accuse me of 'starting an argument'. Of course this was the green light for him to unleash an abusive episode of shouting, swearing, name calling and rage, which I would be responsible for and end up in floods of tears over.
Once again, I would end up apologising to him to restore the peace.

So you see, these are some of the ways in which an abuser will make a victim feel like the abuse is her own fault and that she is powerless. This doesn't happen quickly. I am sure your bf didn't treat you like this when you met and got together. You would have run a mile!!

No, you are firmly enmeshed in his web of abuse now and you have got to untangle yourself and get out. Otherwise he will consume you whole.

Knowledge is power on this one. Read read read...read everything you can on the subject. Know your enemy. Trust yourself.

Get out now. Save your son from suffering any more of this shit from such a vile man. Save yourself a lifetime of abuse. Cut your losses with the money.

Start again, it will be far easier in the short and long term than trying to forever please this idiot of a man.

And yes...fuck the money - think of it as two years rent. There is no price on your happiness, sanity and self respect. Cut your losses.

I chose not to argue back (speechless more like!) and said he should just have spoken to me, not laid into me full force. He refused to back down so I just said goodnight to him. A few minutes later I went to hug him and he said he was far too angry with me and would have to go without a hug. He called me lazy and said he was sick of me. I was really upset, we'd gone upstairs fine and he just turned on me like that. Fucking lazy after I'd done the shopping and cooked his tea after been at work all day and then refusing to hug me goodnight?? And after last nights episode I'm sick to death of being his verbal punch bag! Actually quite upset still, could barely sleep all night, 4.30 am and I'm sat posting about it on mumsnet because I can't get it out of my head. I'm exhausted.

Just that paragraph alone OP. You poor woman. He has treated you to an abusive episode, really laid into you...and your response was to hug him.
A hug the fucker not only rejected, but capitalised on in order to extend the episode. And it's only been a day since the last incident.
You are deep in it OP. I wish I could make you see it. I can only hope you will.

And with that I will get on with my day now. Sometimes a thread will really grate my cheese and I can't leave it alone. I am done now I swear. xx

Thing is, today I can see clearly that he's a massive knob but by tonight/tomorrow he will have convinced me that it's all my fault and if I changed MY ways, things would be much better.
^Massive red flag!! This is a totally abusive relationship. He's fucking nasty to you (telling you off like a naughty kid for asking how his son is! One example of many), and then he convinces you it's all your fault, you need to change or do things differently - or at the very least put up and shut up whenever he feels like having a big go at you. That's fucking awful. It's terrible that your son has to see his mum in a relationship like this too - do you want him to think this is normal? Do you want him to treat his future wife like this? Sod the last 2 years' rent, sod the wedding - it's not worth it, just leave. x

You have been paying rent to him, that's how I'd see it if I was you. why would waiting a few months more mean you could get it all back? I seriously doubt that this will be the case. It's his house after all, unless you are married why would you get any money back?

Save up a bit of money and then find your own place to rent. Unless you want a lifetime of abuse for you and your son. It's as simple as that. What you paid into the house was rent. It's gone. Don't think about it anymore because it's holding you back.

Oh god, this makes me almost weep for you. You would be so much happier without him. You don't deserve this, this is his problem not yours. You deserve to be happy, and relaxed, in your home. If you marry him it will only get worse. You don't have to have a life like this.

Please, please don't marry him, he sounds totally vile and abusive. Go and see a solicitor.

How old is your p, could you get him to see a doctor as what you write can be a sign of heart disease and also has a link to diabetes. How much does he drink?
I would be bringing the legal stuff forward if you are able and I would be getting any paperwork I could lay my hands on as to how much you have been paying into his house, also how much you have been paying for shopping each week as presumably you have been feeding him for the past 2 years.

Oliversmum I think in this case, and given that the OP has other threads detailing this man, that the signs point to him being ana abusive twat, and the a GP is unlikely to be able to cure that. Best solution is for OP and her son to get themselves away from this excuse for a man, into their own nice, calm home, and move on with their lives without him.

Sorry not read the other threads it is just that dh is diabetic and when his blood sugars are low he gets himself into a right state. Doesn't happen often but I know the warning signs.
In the ops case I actually think if his health is ok then he is acting like this to get her to move out. he has had subsidised living for the past 2 years and now it has come time to pay the piper so to speak he is doing all in his power to make her leave. It wouldn't matter how hard or how perfect the op made everything he would still find a reason to find fault. I also wonder if he has not got another woman ready to fund him for a few more years

Why do you give an abusive man a massage and hug?

Stop trying to placate him.

Please don't marry him. A man who loves and RESPECTS you would never speak to you like that.

I literally do not understand why people live like this. Why would you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who isn't nice to you?

It just sounds so fucking awful. Life is far too short to waste your time like this OP.

Please just leave him OP. He is an absolute horror.
Start making plans now. Where can you move? Have you got enough money saved up for a deposit for a rental property? etcetc
Make plans calmly and then do it.
It will be very hard to get any money back but think of it as rent for the last few years. You can not live your life with someone like that - if you do marry him he could become even worse.
You deserve a lovely, sweet man who will treasure you and help you with your son and you can give him your love in return. There are men like that out there.

Make your son's day and leave this abusive, nasty, lazy bastard.

We're getting married in May yet every time we have a disagreement he brings the entire relationship into question and threatens to finish it.

Head. Bang.

He doesn't love you. Get out now while you still can FFS.

You thankfully have MN to turn to for advice, vent and to 'think' out loud to, what / who does your son have to express his confusion to after hearing all this?

I have NEVER posted to say someone should leave before but this is not a healthy situation, I wouldn't care about the payments you have made, as a pp said - think of it as rent.

Leave.

Please leave.

This:

Thing is, today I can see clearly that he's a massive knob but by tonight/tomorrow he will have convinced me that it's all my fault and if I changed MY ways, things would be much better. I know it's bullshit, but I always seem to start believing it.

rings so many bells with me.

I spent 13 years with someone who sounds very like your partner. In the end I internalised all the awful things he said and accused me of being and for years tore myself apart and tied myself in knots trying to be better. I was fine. I was a completely normal human being. By the end of the marriage I was a shell of myself though.

I left in the end, driven by extreme circumstance. I spent 18 months rebuilding myself on my own and becoming a whole person again. Now I've met another normal human being, we have a relationship where we treat each other with respect and kindness. What upsets me still though is that I still have an internal voice that pops up telling me I'm 'lazy', 'stupid', 'not as clever as I think I am'. I forgot bread at the shop the other day and caught myself out loud calling myself 'a fucking stupid piece of shit'. At least now I know I shouldn't and it's not right, but I still do it. I do hope it wears off. Sometimes I say something like that in front of my DP and he laughs at me (not unkindly, just incredulously) and points out all the ways that I am not the thing that I say I am. But it's quite an awful legacy my exH left me with and I'd rather like to shed it.

It makes me sad to think another woman might end up like me. Please go now before this gets worse.

tl;dr - Your partner is a shit. He will make you feel like shit until you think you are. LTB. Be happy.

This is an abusive relationship, OP. Why do you want to marry this unpleasant bully? Trust me, being single is better than being in a relationship with an abuser.

If you're scared of being on your own, remember that you've got your DS, even though he's a teen he still needs his mum.

This is just the beginning of his nastiness, trust me, this script never varies.

Do not marry this man. Please leave. Please, please leave.

Did he tell you about his ex?
I bet she can tell you a very different story.

Men like this don't change. I have no doubt whatsoever that she went through exactly what you're going through now and worse.

Don't marry him. It will only get worse. I take it he hasn't yet become violent, but you can't be sure he won't turn on you once you're truly his to abuse, as he will no doubt see it. He'll start on your son, too.

Please get away from him. You're so lucky to have these warnings, many from women who know your P's type from their own experience. It's like a script they follow.
Please listen to them and get away from him.