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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to keep my daughter in her bedroom until school has finished

112 replies

gamerwidow · 29/06/2015 10:54

Had a phone call from school to pick DD aged nearly 5 up from reception because she felt sick. I have picked her up and she is clearly not sick and has admitted she lied because she didn't want to be at school.

I have made her go to her room and told her that if she is too sick to be at school she is too sick to be out of bed and she has to stay there until school ends.

I need her to understand that what she did was wrong and can't be repeated but at the same time I wonder if I am being too harsh and if there is a more appropriate punishment.

She is crying upstairs at the minute and I feel awful but I can't have lying at school so she can come home.

So AIBU? Any better ideas to handle this?

OP posts:
Stinkersmum · 29/06/2015 12:19

Or HEd. Before any smart arse says so.

NighteyesLovesGingerbread · 29/06/2015 12:20

I have a reception aged DC.

IF (and only IF) I was satisfied that it was a lie and that they were in fact fine (as OP has said her daughter has admitted to lying) I would absolutely be insisting he sit quietly reading to himself, writing to himself or drawing - basically he can do all the things he would be doing at school.

but ONLY IF I knew for a fact - because he admitted it - that he was lying.

if I thought he was ill I would be snuggling down with a dvd with him obviously.

Once he's about 7 I will then most definitely be in the 'if you're too ill for school you're too ill to be out of bed' camp. he will be in bed with the option to read if he wants if there is any doubt of it being genuine.

for clear genuine illness (vomiting/fever etc) then TV/DVD is fine.

that's my hierarchy for illness anyway!!

MrsHathaway · 29/06/2015 12:20

When my DC are off school poorly I make sure home is as boring as possible. I might put the tv on but only CBeebies for the toddler and not a film the 7yo might be angling for. I do lots of boring jobs - does she hate the supermarket/bank/post office maybe? Or could you be sorting through receipts and bills for a while?

She probably thinks she's missing out by going to school. If she sees that the days you're at home on your own don't actuality involve Peppa Pig on repeat and ice cream for lunch, it might make her happier about going in. Certainly a casual mention of all the dull jobs you will be doing when you're dropping her off on Friday will do no harm at all!

With any luck she'll have missed something interesting today, and there will be something tempting on Friday (golden time?) to compare favourably with a quiet day with you.

ppeatfruit · 29/06/2015 12:26

Stinkers mum There may be an infection. I'm glad you're not my mum. She's very stressed give her a break.

Stinkersmum · 29/06/2015 12:28

Eh? The OP stated that this happens every Monday and Friday because the dc wants to be home with her rather than at school. Why do people make stupid and wild assumptions and excuses about a situation that has been explained clearly by the OP and doesnt need any kind of pondering? HmmConfused

Icimoi · 29/06/2015 12:29

^If my five year old asked to come home from school with an 'alleged' illness and then was crying when they got home I'd want to find out what had happened to make them not want to stay and school and to be upset even after they'd left school.

But presumably the crying in this case was caused by the fact that she'd been sent to her room and had to admit she was lying?

OP, since writing seems to be part of the problem, how about getting her to do some at home?

sofato5miles · 29/06/2015 12:36

God, she's 5. Let it go. Think of it as a mental health day. I'd only get really cross is my 9 year old did it but she wouldn't dare. My nearly 5 year old wouldn't really have a clue.

ppeatfruit · 29/06/2015 12:36

The OP said that her dc is stressing out about reading. If a child is forced to read before they're ready they'll burn out before they're 5 for goodness sake. So she wants to be with her mum for a day so what?

ppeatfruit · 29/06/2015 12:41

Exactly sofato Though I would be the same to a 9 yr. old actually.

morethanpotatoprints · 29/06/2015 12:41

Aww bless her. I too would look out for infection as going for a wee 3 times in an hour is what my dd was like. She used to get water infections all the time at this age.

kavv0809 · 29/06/2015 12:49

Some people prefer 'cruel to be kind'. I personally do not. It is a small child you are talking about. Sorry Stinkers I just don't agree with you. I know there were references to bother on Mondays and Fridays but this is the first time she has gone 'sick'. Yes no funfairs and icecream but I can't fathom the need to confine her to her room. As I say, my opinion only.

Stinkersmum · 29/06/2015 12:51

Kavv you think it's cruel to have consequences for lying?

Nullandvoid · 29/06/2015 12:55

Poor little thing, I would get into bed with her and have a cuddle and try to find out what's up.

DeeWe · 29/06/2015 12:57

Dd2's done that at a similar age, and I did exactly that.

No issues at school at the time, just thought she'd rather come home, curl up and play on the computer. She now knows the score and knows if she comes home she goes to bed and no screen time that day. No sceen time is simple. She has a tendency to ge migraines which are made worse by screen time. So if she is ill, it's a bad idea for her to go near them because she then will get a migraine; if she's not ill then she souldn't be on them anyway.

I remember trying it on once. Only our school used to lie you down on a camp bed for an hour before calling parents (unless you were obviously bad) and I, along with almost all children there, decided actually that was boring and got off. I wasn't ill and I knew it. Just thought it would be nice to go home.

GeorgianaDevonshire · 29/06/2015 13:01

I have said she can come downstairs and do drawing but I will not play with her because today is not a fun day

Well, why not bloody well make it a fun day? She's 5 years old, needs a day with her mum so - if the weather is as nice as it is here - get in the garden and play. Go for an ice cream. Let her know that you understand how she feels, that you appreciate her being honest. Enjoy a bonus day with your little girl! I guarantee it won't turn her into a serial truant.

Andrewofgg · 29/06/2015 13:10

Having seen your second post OP and knowing why she did it I'm with the Harsh School of Thought. Take her back and tell her never to do it again. Or if it's too late; in her room with no TV or other electric toys - take them out of the room if necessary. You can't let this sort of thing start or it will never end.

Original poster
gamerwidow · 29/06/2015 13:11

We've had a cuddle on the sofa and are watching netflix together.
I think she is properly sorry so we're going to write off today and start afresh tomorrow.
I don't know if the writing is a red herring and she is just tired. We've had parties on Saturday and Sunday this weekend so maybe she's just overdone it.
We do practice writing at home at her instigation and she is always asking me to sound out words for her so she can write them. Last week she got me to sound out all of little red riding hood so she could write it down. She's actually got no problems with writing at all so I'm surprised she thinks she is no good at it.
Thank you for all your coments.

OP posts:
Original poster
gamerwidow · 29/06/2015 13:12

If she does it again though we will have zero tolerance

OP posts:
fellowship33 · 29/06/2015 13:13

My dd does this once a year. I'm never that impressed but I'm not angry either - certainly didn't mind when she was 5. Just snuggle up and have a calm afternoon but tell her not to do it again.

Sallystyle · 29/06/2015 13:14

Harsh responses.

My 6 year old did it recently. She was just tired and we had a quick chat about pretending you are ill when you aren't and then we watched some tv. I had no problem with that because she usually loves school so it isn't something she would normally do.

All that was needed was a discussion about it.

ImperialBlether · 29/06/2015 13:29

Can't you tell her that you have to go into work five days a week from now on?

ppeatfruit · 29/06/2015 13:35

Andrefogg Lighten up fgs I've always been understanding about my dcs dislike or feeling 'worn down ' by school. I'm a retired teacher and I know exactly why dcs need a break. It's too full on nowadays. My dcs were understood and they all got very good academic results, having a day off here and there never did them any harm .

Signlake · 29/06/2015 13:47

Bring her down out of her room and find out why she didn't want to be at school! It could be anything the poor thing

babyboomersrock · 29/06/2015 13:56

I agree ppeatfruit, and my dcs' father was a teacher too. It's hard to listen to some of the harsh measures being suggested for a 4 year old who just wants a day at home. Do those posters advocating the hardline approach honestly believe that this little child will somehow go to the bad? It would be laughable if it weren't so serious.

My four dc missed the odd day with my full approval. They are in their 20s/30s/40s now and have grown into happy, successful adults with good academic records. More to the point, we have a close, trusting and supportive relationship to this day.

Stinkersmum · 29/06/2015 13:58

I wasn't allowed to get away with lying or bunk off school unless I was at deaths door and I too am a happy successful adult with good academic records, and marvellous relationship with my parents. Your point is?