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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to keep my daughter in her bedroom until school has finished

112 replies

gamerwidow · 29/06/2015 10:54

Had a phone call from school to pick DD aged nearly 5 up from reception because she felt sick. I have picked her up and she is clearly not sick and has admitted she lied because she didn't want to be at school.

I have made her go to her room and told her that if she is too sick to be at school she is too sick to be out of bed and she has to stay there until school ends.

I need her to understand that what she did was wrong and can't be repeated but at the same time I wonder if I am being too harsh and if there is a more appropriate punishment.

She is crying upstairs at the minute and I feel awful but I can't have lying at school so she can come home.

So AIBU? Any better ideas to handle this?

OP posts:
Stinkersmum · 29/06/2015 11:24

Leave her where she is. Yes, she may be young but she admitted to lying. I'm a bit Shock that some pp's suggest rewarding this with cuddles and Cbeebies? Wtaf?

kavv0809 · 29/06/2015 11:24

Yep what nameforsexboard said

Original poster
gamerwidow · 29/06/2015 11:25

DD has emerged from her bedroom with a card she has made me to say sorry for being naughty (shes actually made quite a good job with the spelling inside which is a plus point).
We had a cuddle and a chat and she said she is happy at school but didnt want to be there today. She also said she was worried about doing writing because she wasn't good enough. She does get very upset when she can't do things perfectly. I will have a chat with the teacher to see if she thinks there is anything DD might be worried about too.
I have said she can come downstairs and do drawing but I will not play with her because today is not a fun day.
She has promised not to do this again and I will take her at her word and hope this will be the end of it.

OP posts:
TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 29/06/2015 11:25

Perhaps she'd like to help you scrub the kitchen floor/dig weeds out or do something equally boring? Got any silver/brass that needs polishing ? Grin

She's told you that she made it up so there's not much point in forcing her to be in bed. I wouldn't be curling up watching cbeebies though. I'm firmly on the side of letting her find out that she's not missing out on a great party when you are at home on a Monday and a Friday.

kavv0809 · 29/06/2015 11:27

Come on stinkersmum, she's five and this is the first time it's happened. Give her a break. Second, third time not so much but at the end of June, in reception, when her mum is off anyway? No real harm done.

blink1552 · 29/06/2015 11:29

Keep half an eye out for a urine infection, they can show up in funny ways.

I think it's harder to deal with since she's admitted she lied, and it depends how much she can read independently. Normally I'd indulge a YR, but as you say it's part of a bigger acting up on mondays, it might be counter-productive to be too nice about it.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 29/06/2015 11:30

I think she is probably just very tired and agree you should speak to the teacher about the perfectionism thing. That wants nipping in the bud. Also agree with the pp - get her doing some very dull chores with you so she sees that Mondays and Fridays aren't a barrel of laughs at home.

Stinkersmum · 29/06/2015 11:32

Kavv the OP stated that there is always a performance of some kind on a Monday and a Friday. Now the dc has actually lied and got off school. You think that a result of cuddles and Cbeebies will make her think twice about doing it again?

blink1552 · 29/06/2015 11:32

Cross post. What a lovely update. Think she has learned her lesson already.

babyboomersrock · 29/06/2015 11:36

Thank goodness my dc didn't start school until they were over 5. I can't believe how heartless some of you are - this is a 4 year old we're discussing.

Her mother is at home and her dd probably fancied a quiet day at home with her - is that so terrible? As a small child, I used to fantasise about that too - my mother had a business which meant she was out of the house longer than our father. I longed to spend a day at home with her but it never happened.

It's only reception - I'm in Scotland so it's different here, but I assume she doesn't legally have to attend every day before she's 5?

CarolPeletier · 29/06/2015 11:37

I agree about the water infection, they always show up in my daughter by her doing something a bit naughty and being tired.
Honestly, take advantage of your day together by spending time together, try to talk her through the perfectionist thing, do some writing/schoolish work. She is still tiny and learning about the world, she may be tired as is end of term and hot. You don't want to be too hard and then make her regret having told you the truth. You can explain why it is important to go to school etc, being gentle isn't equal to being permissive.

Trufflethewuffle · 29/06/2015 11:39

When DS1 was in year 1 the teacher phoned me one day to ask me to collect him as he was ill. He had become tearful and had curled up in the quiet corner and sobbed himself to sleep. This was mid morning.

When I collected him he was subdued in the classroom but perky by the time I was going out of the school drive. It turned out he had been kicked by another child who had also said some really vile things to him. I turned round and took him back and told the teacher and it was sorted out.

In your DD's case it does sound as if it is linked to when you are at home. Can you say you are working on the other days even if you aren't?

TwoTribes · 29/06/2015 11:42

I think you could leave her in her room as if she really were ill and check on her every now and then. Just keep it low key, quiet and boring. Once she knows that missing school to be with you is no fun at all, she will probably be happier leaving you on your days off.

Just tell her you have jobs to do, she may have thought you would play with her and give her lots of attention so make sure that doesn't happen.

CordeliaFoxx · 29/06/2015 11:45

Day in her room or back to school, if you think a 5 year old isn't very capable of pulling a sly sickie then you seriously under estimate them!

MuffMuffTweetAndDave · 29/06/2015 11:46

It's not terrible that a presumably tired 4 year old wanted a day at home with her mum, particularly as she has worries about school. But as school is only a couple of months away from being compulsory and OP doesn't appear to be planning on HE, it does need to be nipped in the bud. It's one thing now, quite another in September. She does need to get out of the habit of putting on a performance on Mondays and Fridays. Rather than punishment, I think doing some schoolwork and having a chat would be the best option. Let her see that being at home won't be any great jolly. I'm guessing OP probably uses a lot of Monday and Friday for housework anyway?

juliascurr · 29/06/2015 11:50

has nobody got a chimney needs sweeping? bit of mining to keep her properly occupied?

drudgetrudy · 29/06/2015 12:01

There is a middle way here that most posters are missing.
Yes, you don't want to re-inforce this with cuddles and CBeebies but she can be told in a kind way that if she isn't feeling well she needs a nice quiet rest for a couple of hours and given minimal fuss.

I wouldn't send her back to school without knowing what the problem is.
Later on when the immediate issue has passed ( perhaps bath time?) I would try talk to her more about school and I would have a chat with the teacher about her worry about making mistakes. She is still very young and its good that she was open with you-I wouldn't punish that.

ppeatfruit · 29/06/2015 12:10

I thought that the reception year were not being pushed to do reading and writing so much anymore. I taught supply in an E.Y's class and there was a very anxious dc who was crying when we did group reading. She was in a such a state that I said it's really fine, some dcs can read the hard words and some can't". I was [shocked] that they were feeling stressed at that age. WTF is happening to education ATM ?

Give your L.O. a day off for goodness sake. And tell her that you love her whatever her reading skills are like.

Goldenbear · 29/06/2015 12:11

Really harsh responses. I would agree with those who say to watch out for UTI's. My DD is 4 but a preschooler and has had a week off with one, her personality changed in that week. She was very challenging before the fever and sickness started and once these things had stopped she continued to behave erratically. She's been extremely tired, falling to sleep randomly on the carpet, yesterday leaning against a radiator whilst sat on a 'ride on' inside toy. She's 4.2 but gave up napping about a year ago.

My 8 year old DS is off school today as he's been really ill the whole weekend. He's currently watching CBBC, I'm not going to make him stay in bed all day just so he knows how boring it is at home. It is unnecessarily cruel and not exactly 'maternal' IMO - it seems a very 'Victorian' way to think- almost punishing your child for being ill. My son likes school, likes his friends and is in top group for everything so
I don't see it as encouraging him to 'play' sick or a problem to be on the receiving end of some TLC when he is sick, I am his Mother, that's what I'm meant to be provide!

I used to be encouraged to sit on the sofa and read or watch tv if I was sick as my Mum thought it wasn't healthy to be in bed all day festering!

Stinkersmum · 29/06/2015 12:13

Um, Goldenbear have you actually read the thread? Or even just the OPS posts? The child is not ill. She's not being punished for being ill. She lied to get out of school.

NinkyNonkers · 29/06/2015 12:16

She's 5. They're barely old enough to be at school at that age IMO. If she normally likes it that would suggest she is either very tired, or something is unsettling her. If this were me, I would let her know that I was unimpressed, but then have her tag along with me for the day, doing chores etc.So nothing hugely exciting, but not punishment. Give her lots of opportunity to talk to you.

ebwy · 29/06/2015 12:16

when my almost-5-year old is off school due to being ill but is feeling fine (usually calpol does the trick but the school can't give him it) I make him to worksheets at home instead. He probably does more writing at home than he would in school on those days. I'm hoping it'll get into his head that he's better off in school on school days!

NinkyNonkers · 29/06/2015 12:17

Just realised she isn't even 5...well legally she doesn't have to be there. My daughter is 5 in Aug so is very young for the year and we have this every now and then. Treat it kindly, don't turn school into a battle to be feared.

Stinkersmum · 29/06/2015 12:19

And the OP has a few more school weeks to nip this in the bud before the new term in September where legally the child does have to be at school......

TheOriginalSteamingNit · 29/06/2015 12:19

Keeping her in bed and feeling cross is probably what I'd have done at the time.
Having a cuddle and a chat about school and making it clear that this is not to happen again and then taking the day for what it is, making the most of the time my child just wanted to be at home with me, is what I would wish later that I had done.