Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

AIBU to think DH is being a ****

123 replies

rebbles · 28/06/2015 07:51

Long story here.

Basically, when I met DH he already had his own house and I moved in and married him eventually.

He has never asked for any money towards mortgage despite me offering all the time, so have have paid for bills and holidays and saved anything else.

Now we have a baby on the way we are moving house.

Yesterday he suddenly demanded that I tell him how much savings I have and give him Â£10,000 of it for the house move. I agreed even though I said that I would have preferred to just give him money monthly and as I am about to go on maternity leave I could really do with the money as back-up.

Anyway, he then said that he thinks I should ask my dad for Â£10,000 too. His reason was that his parents gave him this much when he bought the house originally so he thinks it is only fair. I said I don't want to involve my dad and also he doesn't have as much money as DH's parents so that is unreasonable.

He went mental and said that that is what a good dad should do and I should at least ask and try to guilt trip dad into doing it as "he gets a new car each year, just got his house redecorated and a new kitchen and goes on expensive holidays so he can obviously afford it!"

I am so upset as I don't want to ask my dad as I am a grown adult and think it has nothing to do with him and now feel like DH has been looking at everything my dad does scheming to ask him for money.

AIBU or is he?

OP posts:

foolonthehill · 28/06/2015 16:41

Clam:
believe me when I say that I tried every trick and reasonable argument in the book with my abusive ex. If OP's DH does not want to hear it he won;t and I expect that he is not in the market for being "stood up to" and that can be quite dangerous advice when dealing with an abusive man....

OP:
his ways of talking to you are wrong and dismissive,
his ways of dealing with your family finances are controlling and abusive, his ways of talking about your family and friends sound like he is trying to isolate you from support

The good news is that he does not seem to have any idea about the legal status of a spouse wrt assets that he sees as "his".

I don;t know whether you are ready to hear that he is unlikely to change and that after the baby arrives it is very likely that his controlling behaviour will get worse...I wouldn't have listened. it took me 14 years to realise that the man my DH presented outside the house was not who I was married to but a nice fiction, it took a lot of time and bruises and emotional pain before I realised. He is broken, you can;t fix him and unless this is completely out of character and he repents and does the right thing I would seriously consider leaving and at least make sure you have a running away fund.

sorry :(

NRomanoff · 28/06/2015 16:52

Op do you sign papers he asks you too? Without checking them? He hasn't had you sign something so the house isn't yours on paper or anything?

1 of 2 things is going off here.

You haven't been pulling your weight financially and he is fed up. You have loads in savings and yet he is paying for most things. Now he has had enough. In which case he is a handling this horribly.

Or he financially controlling you and one day when you decide you have had enough, leaving will be so hard because he has everything. He is backing you into a corner where the chances of you leaving him become tiny.

Personally given what you said, he is already manipulating you and you do not have a healthy relationship. You just think you do.

NRomanoff · 28/06/2015 17:03

Is his name definitely on the deeds? It's not in his parents name is it?

Honestly OP, you are having a child. You can not continue to have no idea where you stand financially in the event of a split. You need to know what the state of your family finances are. Too many people don't know exactly until it's too late and the split has started and they can't get information they need.

You owe it to your child

OhEmGeee · 28/06/2015 17:06

I really hope you come back OP, I know none of this was what you wanted to hear, but please take on board what is being said here. Especially Sylvanians wonderful advice. You are in a very vulnerable situation, especially being pregnant as this is often when abuse escalates.

You are and should be an equal person within marriage, your DH doesn't not get to dictate how much financial say you have. He is treating you like a silly little woman who doesn't want to worry her head about big scary money. I mean, wtf? This is so very wrong.

Is he controlling about other aspects too? You did say he is judgemental towards your friends and family. You certainly aren't stuck in this situation. You can change it for you and your baby.

willowtree62 · 28/06/2015 17:15

You can check who's name is on the deeds by doing an instant search online. Think it costs about £3. May be worth checking if he definitely does own the house.

RagingJellyBean · 28/06/2015 17:19

I'm baffled that you'd marry someone you couldn't comfortably speak about finances with...

Jessica2point0 · 28/06/2015 17:30

Asking the OP "Why did you marry him?" is, at best, unhelpful. It doesn't matter why she married him, and questioning her about that now, when she's already vulnerable and being accused of being incapable by her husband is awful.

ChocolateBreakfastBalls · 28/06/2015 17:36

Fucking hell.

Run OP, run like the wind and never look back! Future you, and DC, will thank you!

Imnotbeingyourbestfriendanymor · 28/06/2015 17:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sallystyle · 28/06/2015 17:54

Clam, you mean well I am sure, but this sounds like an abusive man. Not a man you can reason with. I could be wrong and deep down he is a lovely sweetheart of a man who just needs 'standing up to' but I would put my money on the fact that he is just a financially abusive arse and standing up to him could just make things 100x worse for the OP.

Maybe he just needs educating?

Educating? A decent man does not need educating to treat his wife with respect, to listen to her and to not make out she is incapable of dealing with the finances with him.

I have been in a financially abusive marriage and the signs that the OP is in one too are pretty bloody clear. My ex tried to tell me I just wasn't smart enough to understand our financial situation. Many years later when I told him I wanted to see every bank statement, wage slips, receipts he has kept etc he finally had to admit he was in debt and his little gambling hobby was a full blow addiction.

AyeAmarok · 28/06/2015 18:00

I'm sorry OP, but it's this thread for real???

I cannot imagine a man who is married saying these words, and a woman who is apparently in gainful employment being so naive.

Few other points - how have you talked about moving house without your husband knowing how much money you have in savings? That's weird.

Do not ask your Dad for money, that's RIDICULOUS! If I found out my DH thought that way I'd actually consider ending the relationship, it'd be so disgusted.

All of your combined money (your savings, your DH's savings and all the equity in your marital home) should be put into your new house, which will be both of yours, but leaving enough money to fund you through the next year which will involve a financial hit because of your joint DC, and a rainy day fund. Everything you have together is shared.

However, given what you now know, I'd suggest you keep as much money back so you can escape your financially abusive marriage.

And him saying you should never discuss money again as you just argue... I actually don't know what to say about that, it's so bad.

Sallystyle · 28/06/2015 18:03

Yes, stop with the 'why did you marry him' questions.

Not fucking helpful. Just another way of making someone feel bad about themselves when no doubt her husband is doing a pretty good job of that himself.

Oh and I married a man who I couldn't talk about money with and was financially abusive. Why? I was young. I didn't think I was worth much, I thought things would change and I had no role models to show me what a happy and healthy marriage should be like. I didn't know it wasn't normal back then, no one modelled healthy relationships to me so I had to work it all out myself. So that is a few reasons why someone may marry someone who they can't talk openly with about money.

You aren't really 'baffled' about why someone would marry someone like this are you? You just wanted to judge her for it.

NRomanoff · 28/06/2015 18:11

Actually I think 'why did you marry him?' Is very valid here. Because the OP still thinks her relationship is good apart from this incident.

She doesn't realise that he hasn't just turned into a twat. He always has been manipulative and she just hasn't seen it. Not her fault at all. But the sooner she realises this is more than just this one thing the better.

I owned the house that we lived in when we got married and I made sure he was on the deeds. Why? Because he was my husband and contributing to house and deserved security too. The fact that he has put her off paying to the mortgage and doesn't involve her in decisionseans he has been abusing her for longer than she realises.

expatinscotland · 28/06/2015 18:21

'Keep a record of the 10k you paid towards the house.'

Don't hand over £10K for a house whose title you are not on.

Topseyt · 28/06/2015 18:26

The "why did you marry him?" Questions are unnecessary and beside the point. I can only assume they are from perfect women in perfect relationships. Deal in the here and now ffs. OP doesn't need kicking now that she is down.

OP, your updates really confirm just how shitty his behaviour towards you is. Perhaps he does have debt you know nothing about. Perhaps he is just grabby, shitty and controlling anyway. Perhaps a mixture of both. Either way, you cannot afford to bury your head in the sand about it.

He absolutely does NOT have a point about the finances being too stressful for you!!! How condescending and patronising of him.

Stick to your guns. Clarity with regard to the finances, name on deeds of the house, and absolutely NO to him guilt tripping / blackmailing a further £10k out of your poor Dad!!!!!!!

If he can't see what the problem is then can you honestly see a future here?

StrangeLookingParasite · 28/06/2015 23:19

the reason he doesn't ever tell me about money stuff is because he thinks it would stress me out and he doesn't think I can cope with being involved in major financial decisions as I would get too stressed.

WTF? 'Don't you bother your pretty little head with all this complicated man-stuff'...

foolonthehill · 29/06/2015 10:38

hope you are ok OP

Original poster

rebbles · 29/06/2015 11:57

Thank you foolonthehill.

I am going to try and make it work. We have managed to sort it out to an extent, he will get my name put on the new house.

He has given me a lot more clarity with regards to our financial future and how he will be supporting me on maternity leave.

Glad I have managed to talk it out with him finally and this seems to be the first step to us being able to discuss things like this openly.

Turns out he is panicking a bit about affording the new house and it may end up that we don't move. He was going about it the wrong way but didn't want me to worry as he is concerned about how stress will affect the baby.

Thanks for your advice everyone.

OP posts:

Littleen · 29/06/2015 13:14

I'm not one for the whole "LBT" attitude on here, but I wouldn't move with him unless you will own half the house. You are half the couple - should share half and half. Simples. Not saying you should dump him, but just refuse to move unless he budges on this one. Even if it means having very little space for a little one, I wouldn't do it.

Littleen · 29/06/2015 13:14

Glad to see the last post! :) :)

mojo17 · 29/06/2015 13:23

If you're not going to move how can your name go on a new house?
Glad dialogue has begun as it should be just the beginning
Keep talking so he sees and you act like an equal

ShootTheMoon · 29/06/2015 13:39

Good to hear that you've been able to have a more productive conversation OP and well done for standing up for yourself (not that you should need to, but...). Sounds like you have got through to him that living without knowing all this essential information is more stressful than working with him as a true partner to sort it all out.

If I were you I'd start gradually taking on some of the financial stuff, bills etc and keep making suggestions that you have a shared, fully accessible joint account for absolutely everything relating to your child.

Good luck

Topseyt · 29/06/2015 16:04

If it works out that you don't move after all then you might like to get your interest in the current house legally recognised.

Glad to see your update though. Hope he has also backed down over guilt tripping your Dad.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5