AIBU to think DH is being a ****

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Long story here.

Basically, when I met DH he already had his own house and I moved in and married him eventually.

He has never asked for any money towards mortgage despite me offering all the time, so have have paid for bills and holidays and saved anything else.

Now we have a baby on the way we are moving house.

Yesterday he suddenly demanded that I tell him how much savings I have and give him £10,000 of it for the house move. I agreed even though I said that I would have preferred to just give him money monthly and as I am about to go on maternity leave I could really do with the money as back-up.

Anyway, he then said that he thinks I should ask my dad for £10,000 too. His reason was that his parents gave him this much when he bought the house originally so he thinks it is only fair. I said I don't want to involve my dad and also he doesn't have as much money as DH's parents so that is unreasonable.

He went mental and said that that is what a good dad should do and I should at least ask and try to guilt trip dad into doing it as "he gets a new car each year, just got his house redecorated and a new kitchen and goes on expensive holidays so he can obviously afford it!"

I am so upset as I don't want to ask my dad as I am a grown adult and think it has nothing to do with him and now feel like DH has been looking at everything my dad does scheming to ask him for money.

AIBU or is he?

What Sylvanians said. If he's started being an arse over money now you're pregnant and vulnerable, it doesn't bode well for his behaviour when you are on maternity leave and utterly dependent on him. Abusive behaviour often starts or increases in pregnancy and this has red flags all over it. Protect yourself. Get hardball on his ass. This is not an acceptable way for him to treat you.

Really don't get why you are having a baby with a man who you dont discuss finances with. I think you are fooling yourself when you say it's a happy relationship, he sounds a nasty piece of work who will only get worse after the baby is born.

Normal is sharing assets because- well, when you're married they ARE shared assets!!

I think you need to come down very hard on this, or be prepared to walk now.

Yes, your savings are also your joint assets - as is your home. Quite simple: you either go on the deeds of that house, or you don't move. No equal sharing = no wife, no family, no baby. You are not a chattel. His financial sacrifices? Remind him that you're about to make the biggest investment of all, giving birth to a baby with him. You're putting on hold your career, pension, risking your health. The hugest thing you could give him which he could not do alone.

Maternity leave: simple. This is half his baby. The 'hit' for this is not yours to bear. It is awful beyond BELIEF that a good partner would need to be told this - it simply wasn't a topic for conversation in my home. 'How WE will manage during maternity' was the topic - how our JOINT incoming cash during that period could stretch. That's how good people think. I he doesn't think like this , you have a problem. It isn't about money, it's about whether you are a decent person who understands what a family should be, rather than a selfish cunt.

Seems he's the latter - patting himself on the back for having 'grabbed' it all - house, wife, baby, without outlaying a penny!! Haha! Oh - hang on. She wants to go on the deeds to the house? I'm going to have to support her on maternity leave? But - but - why should I? It's my money! Huge huge red flag.

I would tell him that you want things set out as follows:

• joint account for all monies earned, from both. During maternity, this pot will decrease while you BOTH take the financial hit for BOTH OF YOU HAVING A BABY.

• from this pot, all bills get paid, inc mortgage.

• after all bills, the remaining monies are split 50/50 into your two separate accounts.

• a portion could be sent into a separate savings account, on joint agreement.

House in both names.

If this is done, then you will be happy to put your savings into the savings account to give it a good start off. Needless to say, any savings/investments he has go the same way.

You might remind him that now you're married, this is basically what the situation is in reality anyway. You own the house, you don't actually need to be on the deeds - in fact, him refusing to put you on would simply make him look financially abusive in a divorce court.

Hopefully this is a blip revealing a childish selfish side you can work through, but if not, I would seriously advise you to think hard. No, you DON'T have to 'make it work' with a child - in fact, it's impossible to do so. All you 'make' is a damaged child.

Oh OP I agree with everyone else.

He sounds mean and tight, especially bad given the generosity his parents have shown him.

Do not ask your father for any money. Why should he donate to your chosen lifestyle? You are adults and need to pay your own way.

I don't know how to advise you, horrible situation your dh has put you in.

An old friend was in a similar position but believed she was safe as like you she was married. On divorcing she found out the house she shared was in her FIL name. She had no idea as they noth shared the same first name. She had helped pay the morgage and bills for 10 years.

When he talks about contribution, has he factored in the contribution you have already made? When you've paid the bills and for holidays, that will mount up, and of course there is the value of all the housework, washing, cooking etc that you've probably done.

You dh is being a twat. Assuming this is our if character I would give him the benefit of the doubt and think that the reality of the cost of moving plus the reduction of income and the extra responsibilities a child brings has made him panic and he is handling it badly. You need to have a proper discussion about finances including the inclusion of your name in the deeds before you part with any money to make sure you both understand all the finances and are happy with how you will manage your money in future.

What Ragwort and Sylvanian said. I wouldn't hand over any money.

WTF? he is being INCREDIBLY U and it sounds very like he's actually being financially abusive. Red flags all over the place.

YY to everything Sylvanian has said. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership. You need to get tough and you need to do it now

Ugh

'Guilt trip' your dad into giving you 10 grand.

What a disgusting individual he is

Well you were bound to get these responses on here!

Talk to him. Find out whether he is panicking about providing for a child and being the sole wage earner. Talk about your mat leave and about when and whether you are going back to work. Talk about all the assets the two of you have. Then decide whether he is being a twat! And definitely get your name on the deeds to the new house.

He is BU and a total git. Obviously you're in an awful situation now because you're pregnant with his baby and he doesn't want to support you financially - although agree with the 'why would you get pregnant to him' posters, it's a bit late for that now!

I think you need to decide whether you're a family unit at this point or not. If you are (good luck), you need to put your money into the house, put the house in joint names, and he needs to accept that you will lose out financially because of having the baby/mat leave so he needs to take joint responsibility in that, including letting go about having paid more into the house (who the fuck is still counting when you're married with a baby anyway?!). (Or he can give birth and go on mat leave while you keep your full salary!!)

If he's (and/or you're) not happy to share marital assets and the financial and other repercussions of having a baby, then separate now before putting any more money in which you may not see again, maybe get some legal advice first.

He doesn't seem very invested in your relationship or appreciative of the sacrifice you're making now to have a family with him. He still sees it as you and him, not you both as a joined family unit. :(

Hilarious!

Your name needs to be on nothing.

You own half of his assets outright which makes me very happy for you right now!

He is acting rather entitled regarding your parents money. It's actually theirs and they are under no obligation to share it with him or you.

I think you're going to have ishoos with this man.

If he doesn't want to support you financially tell him he needs to pay half of nursery costs when you go back to work.

Oh and don't go asking your dad for 10 grand to give to a bloke who want you to pay in for the privilege of giving him a child. If you feel you have to lean on your dad financially in future if you and your dh don't work out in the long term and he's kept all his money and all yours is gone, that's one thing, but just asking him for 10k so that your dh can grab some more of your money when he's not sharing his own is ridiculous.

I would not be happy not having the new house in joint names, that would be a deal breaker for me, especially as there was a child on the way. I'd say you want to stay where you are. He is acting like a single man. You do not sound like a family unit

How on Earth do people get married to each other without full and frank discussions about their hopes and aspirations, their joint attitude to money, kids, sex and the world in general. How can you end up married and pregnant to someone living in a house one of you owned prior to the relationship and not have had that discussion?

No wonder the divorce rates are so high.

Is he going to give you back half of all the holidays and extras you provided for him?

There is not much I can do now as married with baby on the way so I have to make it work.

You do not have to make it work. If you try what Sylvavians has said (amazing support there) and he won't work with you then you do not have to stay. Married and a baby on the way does not mean you put up with any behaviour that is damaging or abusuve.

Well this just screams of a man-child that was indulged and wasn't taught the real meaning of money when he was growing up now, isn't it? That's the thing with people who are giving things on a plate and don't actually have to work/struggle towards the end goal. They don't actually appreciate the true value of money.

YANBU - but then you knew that deep down really, didn't you OP? register in interest, get some RL support and lok after yourself OP. DOn't let his materialistic selfishness bring you down

What Sylvanians said.

You need fast legal advice, and the move needs to go on hold.

Don't ask your dad for any money- you might need it if you end up divorced. You don't have to stay married to somebody who is determined to financially abuse you- in fact there will be no way to make it work without you and your child suffering if he is going to withhold money from you once you are in the vulnerable position of being financially dependent on him.

Op I'm sorry you are married to such an arse.

Don't hand over any of your savings. Keep it - it will be a massively useful escape fund.

Please hang onto your ten grand. Don't just hand it over if your name isn't going on the deeds. Tell your dh you won't be investing such a large sum unless you are jointly involved in the purchase. His attitude is really concerning. You say you can't do anything because you are married with a baby on the way. I understand how you might feel like that, but alongside that feeling start to think about what ifs. If you're living with someone who is protecting his own finances (from you) to the extent that he is, then chances are at some stage in your life you're going to need every penny you can get hold of. He certainly isn't intending to share what he owns with you, so adopt a bit of the same attitude towards him.

I agree with everyone above and I don't think it needs reiterating.

If it helps you to know, pretty much every married young couple I know has joint finances to an extent. DH and I changed our finance planning when we married and again when we had DC. Do you realise how expensive children are in the long run? You must set the tone of shared responsibility and finances now - your children deserve it and so do you.

DH and I have joint accs out of which all household bills, mortgage, insurance, food, fuel, car and holiday savings come out of. He earns roughly twice what I do (I work pt as well to help look after DC) but we each transfer the same amount into personal accounts each month for our hobbies/personal expenses/presents etc.

When we bought our first place we weren't married and he put up the deposit, which was protected for him by a legal agreement. But then we married and our assets are shared equally. Even though his earning power is greater than mine, especially at the moment.

Your DH needs to share the expense of your mat leave, expenses for the baby and then childcare if/when you return to work. After all, he benefits as a father from all of this.

You should be named on the house. And ideally have access to joint finances especially while on Mat leave, as you don't need to be worrying about money as well.

He needs a very stern talking to!

Op I'm sorry your in this situation. I'm also pregnant and financially it's a worry- but my DH will be covering all outgoing costs while I'm on mat leave. It's his baby too equally loved and wanted by both.
Your dh should be supporting you and making you feel secure.
Like the pp said your contribution though maybe not financial is massive he doesn't see this he is BU and needs a sharp wake up call

Oh my goodness OP.

Read what Sylvanians said, read read read, and do it. This is not a good situation.