AIBU to think DH is being a ****

[rebbles]

Long story here.

Basically, when I met DH he already had his own house and I moved in and married him eventually.

He has never asked for any money towards mortgage despite me offering all the time, so have have paid for bills and holidays and saved anything else.

Now we have a baby on the way we are moving house.

Yesterday he suddenly demanded that I tell him how much savings I have and give him £10,000 of it for the house move. I agreed even though I said that I would have preferred to just give him money monthly and as I am about to go on maternity leave I could really do with the money as back-up.

Anyway, he then said that he thinks I should ask my dad for £10,000 too. His reason was that his parents gave him this much when he bought the house originally so he thinks it is only fair. I said I don't want to involve my dad and also he doesn't have as much money as DH's parents so that is unreasonable.

He went mental and said that that is what a good dad should do and I should at least ask and try to guilt trip dad into doing it as "he gets a new car each year, just got his house redecorated and a new kitchen and goes on expensive holidays so he can obviously afford it!"

I am so upset as I don't want to ask my dad as I am a grown adult and think it has nothing to do with him and now feel like DH has been looking at everything my dad does scheming to ask him for money.

AIBU or is he?

There should be no new deed, because you would be utterly mad to hand him £10000. You may as well threw that out a window. You need to make it clear, no new house with contribution from you and no money from dad.

This person is financially abusive.

This man is vile. He is emotionally and financially abusing you.

Easier said than done, but I'd be leaving. Sorry.

Why does he not see you as an equal partner in this marriage? Ask yourself that.

I'd leave him.

Don't give him £10k. You will need it when you leave him.

Don't give him your 10 grand. I think the sooner you flush out just how much of a knob he can be is better than later on when he's rinsed your savings and you have to run every personal spend for you and the baby past him.

OP I paid the deposit on our home. It's our family home, never once did I demand money or insist DH wasn't on the deeds.

When the baby is born you will be justifying every spend to him and begging for money. I bet he'll expect you to buy for the baby out of your savings too.

I don't think you are really listening because you aren't ready to yet. Sometimes it takes people ages to realise what is happening in their marriage, especially if the person is controlling and has done a great job at knocking your confidence and manipulating you.

I rarely say LTB but in this case I think it is the only sensible thing to do because he is controlling, mean and financially abusive. This will only get worse when the baby arrives.

I know it is so easy for people to say leave and another thing entirely to do it, but really, this man is not a good one and your future will not be a good one while you remain married to him. He is cruel and you are in an abusive marriage.

I hope you will manage to see that sooner rather than later and find the strength to get out

I would be searching for bank statements op, your 'd'h sounds like he is desperately in need of 20k to me.

Why do you have to pay him money to 'prove your commitment' (even though you're pg/on mat leave and don't have any due to having his baby), but he won't put you on the deeds to the family home to prove his commitment?!

He's fucking awful. He has no respect for you, and tells you so to your face, he doesn't see you as equal and he doesn't see you as a unit. He wants you to share your money with him but won't share his assets with you. If it was me I'd leave now, it will only get much harder (and worse) when the baby is here. But obviously that's easier said than done. :(

Yes you do have protections.

In the UK, once you are married things like houses, savings, cars become marital assets.

However it's more complicated than that. In a short marriage where you didn't make an original contribution to the purchase, no you probably wouldn't be awarded 50% of the house value. However, as you are pregnant, it's possible that a judge would award you 50% if you are to be main carer for the child, or would award you the right to live in the house until your child is 18 then the house be sold with certain proportions of the value going to you and your Ex.

The bottom line is, as you are a. married and b. about to have a child, then the fact that you have contributed less to assets is less important. The main considerations would be a. that your child needs to be housed and provided for, and awarding you percentages of a house sale is a means of doing that and b. that marriage does indeed give you rights of ownership over large assets.

You would certainly need to speak to a solicitor.

BUT, BUT, BUT - THAT IS NOT REALLY THE ISSUE HERE.

The problem is really this: you are an adult married to another adult. You have just as much right to control over your lives and finances as your husband. BUT HE DOES NOT THINK THIS. He thinks you are inferior. That you do not have as much right to make decisions as him. That he is in charge of you, your finances, your marriage.

This money stuff is simply illustrating a wider problem, and one which will NOT get sorted: that you are married to a controlling, abusive man. Now it's money. Next - will it be whether you go back to work? How you feed your child? Where your child goes to school? What your child will be called? Where you live? Where you spend Christmas? etc...

It doesn't MATTER if you are the biggest stress bunny over money that ever lived. It is still the case that HE HAS NO RIGHT TO DECIDE your level of involvement. And he thinks he does. Why? There is no other reason except that he automatically thinks of you as a junior, an inferior.

The fact that instead of apologising when this is pointed out to him, he shouts, bullies, closes down the conversation tells you the rest. If he can't control by persuasion, undermining and lowering your self-esteem, he'll do it by out and out bullying and aggression.

YOU NEED TO LEAVE. For both you and your baby.

Wow Sylvians,I could have done with you before I started my divorce!!

This doesn't sound right OP, DH and I have been married for 3 years and living together for just over 4, he moved into my house, sole mortgage, and at present is not on the deeds (cost of changing them and adding him to mortgage is too high)

All the household bills go from my account, he pays me half of the cost of all bills each month and any spare cash we both have is ours, we both add similar amounts to savings accounts and additional costs such as holidays and var repairs come from both of us.

I was earning about 7k more than him until Easter but was made redundant so our income has dropped (am now on maternity allowance as expecting second baby) however we discussed who was paying for what as one household income and we both have a little less disposable cash at present. DH owns some property with his parents and they run a successful business so on paper he is asset rich.

Please try and get some protection and do not hand over any cash my DH was going to pay some money into my mortgage account approx 6k last year but I needed a new car so we used the money for that ( im the registered keeper) what I'm trying to say is having legal status is good, but an open and honest discussion about money is better, stand your ground, and do what's best for you and baby

Please, please listen to Sylvanian's smart and informed post, OP. It's valuable information.

And to whoever said that OP should repeat all of this to her parents to see what they think - yes, assuming her parents are supportive and see her as an adult, definitely yes.

OP's DH's response is very worrying. Surely the fact that she is asking about all this shows enough financial savvy to get started with a full explanation of their finances and an open discussion about changes which need to happen now they are married and expecting a child.

OP, I am beginning to wonder if your DP has hidden debts, as others have hinted at. That could certainly explain why he thinks you'd be so 'stressed' by understanding your joint finances. Are you sure money won't go missing from the new mortgage, and your savings that he's so keen to get hold of?

Please at least talk to your parents.

I would just echo what other people are saying. He's not willing to share anything of his with you, but is demanding that you and your dad each hand him 10k, with nothing to show for it. You might feel you can't leave, but at some point you may really want to. Please don't hand over your chance to leave. If he starts wittering on about this not being fair or all about you keeping it for your divorce, look him in the eye and say if he doesn't want you on the deeds then he should pay for the house on his own. He can't have it both ways. You're either sharing this house or
not.

I am a bit of a worrier so this is probably right.

You said this upthread - he is playing on any small insecurities you have and making them bigger. Remember what Sylvanian said:

It doesn't MATTER if you are the biggest stress bunny over money that ever lived. It is still the case that HE HAS NO RIGHT TO DECIDE your level of involvement. And he thinks he does. Why? There is no other reason except that he automatically thinks of you as a junior, an inferior.

This is NO way to live! You have contributed by paying bills and for holidays (you said in your opening post). You contribute in many other ways, money isn't everything and if he can't see that, it doesn't sound good. DON'T give him the £10k. He shouldn't be guilt tripping you into that

Can you imagine what will happen when your child needs new shoes, nappies, money for playgroup/nursery etc. You really don't want to have to be bargaining over "housekeeping" money

Look, let's not scare the OP off with commands that she must leave her husband. It needn't come to that. I totally agree that his behaviour sounds financially abusive, but if she sticks to her guns and demands complete involvement in all their monetary affairs, there is a way forward - one that hopefully would be a lot less messy than divorce. Maybe he just needs educating?
Get this sorted first, and then look at the rest of your relationship to see if a pattern has emerged of him controlling other aspects of your life/personality.

He said that he thinks we shouldn't talk about money ever again as it always ends up in an argument.

So does that mean he will shut up about asking your father for money? Are you supposed to go through the rest of your married life not knowing anything about the family finances beyond what you earn? That really is an incredibly Dickensian position for him to take.

Ask him: given that he doesn't want you to divorce ever and neither, presumably, do you, how can it possibly hurt for your name to be on the deeds? If anyone is trying to protect themselves in case of divorce, it is him. He also needs to be aware that it has long been recognised in law that the non-financial contribution of the partner who looks after the house and children is generally worth at least as much as that of the partner who goes out to work, not least because it is that support which actually enables him to earn anything.

OP, could you persuade him to go out for marriage counselling when he could maybe get some feedback from an independent third party about how married couples normally deal with their finances?

Get this sorted first, and then look at the rest of your relationship to see if a pattern has emerged of him controlling other aspects of your life/personality

From the OP:

He's not usually nasty but often horrible about my family

Not sure about other things he is judgmental about my family and friends

Doesn't look good.

YANBU

my first thought is - is he in debt and doesn't want to tell you?

I won't get married partly because I don't believe in joint finances in that way, so I don't have an issue if he wants to buy a separate investment property - but if he wanted to do that, it's nothing to do with you, he has to pay for that. (also, being frank, I think the only way to do separate finances is not to get married, but leaving that aside...)

it seems like a bit of a u-turn and asking your dad seems like panic.

So she needs to learn (and then employ) strategies to stand up for herself and her family/friends and put him straight.

In the early days with dh, I got a bit frustrated over some things his sibling was doing and whinged about it, possibly a bit too much. After a bit, dh said quite calmly, "look, you've made your point, would you mind not talking that way anymore, coz they are my sibling after all. "
I shut up. He was right.

I think he sounds really patronising and horrible.

Has he by any chance been married before and had to pay out in a previous divorce? Or owned a house with a partner before?

I live with DP in his house that he bought before he knew me. He is very twitchy about idea of buying together/getting married as he was in a previous LTR where he lost out when they split up unexpectedly, and it has made him very cautious and a bit paranoid. But inversely we are able to talk about money and finances openly and I do not feel taken advantage of.

The most ridiculous thing is the asking your dad for money IMO. What self respecting adult thinks like that?!

Keep a record of the 10k you paid towards the house.

"He said that he thinks we shouldn't talk about money ever again as it always ends up in an argument."
Biggest, reddest flag I've seen in a long time, being waved in front of your very nose . Or at least it was until I got further down the thread .

"He also said why do I want my name on the house because he thinks that I am just saying that and also keeping the savings for myself just in case we get a divorce which he said is horrible so he doesn't want to do either so that we can't ever divorce.

"I can see what he means, making a back-up plan is horrible I don't want to divorce ever, I do love him but he can be difficult to talk to sometimes."

Oh my giddy aunt, he wants to have a financial whip hand over you to keep you? Well, all hail the 21st century's version of 'barefoot, pregnant, and chained to the kitchen sink' .

And as for "making a back-up plan is horrible" - I don't ever want my house to burn down, but I pay for insurance so that should it happen, I will still have a roof over my head and food on the table. Hope for the best, but ALWAYS plan for the worst. It's only common sense.

Sadly, I do not think the timing of his shittiness is a coincidence. You are pregnant, it's a vulnerable time, and he is trying to take advantage of that. I believe it's pretty well-documented that pregnancy is when a lot of abusive/controlling men start to show their true colours - because they know it's a 'good' time to start with the nonsense. You've as good as said so yourself OP - "There is not much I can do now as married with baby on the way so I have to make it work." You are buying into his shit. Or has he worked on you for long enough to insinuate that thought into your head? It's like they all have a script, or a club handbook. Don't follow his script. You do have a choice here. Read SylvaniansAtEase's posts, because her advice is spot on.

You absolutely DO NOT have to go along with your husband's unreasonable demands. As you have said, you are a grown adult; and he is not in charge.

He doesn't want you to have financial equality with him so that you can't divorce him. That is controlling in the extreme, and he's actually told you outright. You do not have to put up with it.