AIBU to think DH is being a ****

[rebbles]

Long story here.

Basically, when I met DH he already had his own house and I moved in and married him eventually.

He has never asked for any money towards mortgage despite me offering all the time, so have have paid for bills and holidays and saved anything else.

Now we have a baby on the way we are moving house.

Yesterday he suddenly demanded that I tell him how much savings I have and give him £10,000 of it for the house move. I agreed even though I said that I would have preferred to just give him money monthly and as I am about to go on maternity leave I could really do with the money as back-up.

Anyway, he then said that he thinks I should ask my dad for £10,000 too. His reason was that his parents gave him this much when he bought the house originally so he thinks it is only fair. I said I don't want to involve my dad and also he doesn't have as much money as DH's parents so that is unreasonable.

He went mental and said that that is what a good dad should do and I should at least ask and try to guilt trip dad into doing it as "he gets a new car each year, just got his house redecorated and a new kitchen and goes on expensive holidays so he can obviously afford it!"

I am so upset as I don't want to ask my dad as I am a grown adult and think it has nothing to do with him and now feel like DH has been looking at everything my dad does scheming to ask him for money.

AIBU or is he?

We don't know whether or not OP is in the UK or not, so we can't know whether or not the law considers the house a marital ssset. It may not be the same in other countries.

At any rate, I would still want my name on the deeds and would not hand over a penny if it wasn't. I'd kick up one hell of a stink about that, and might even walk out if it seemed indicative of his attitude in general towards me. So for that reason I would keep separate finances for now.

Also, I don't think I could be with someone who was regularly horrible about my family for no good reason. It shows total disregard for the feelings of others. Saying that I should guilt trip them into giving us £10,000 would have me apoplectic with fury and I don't think I could continue in the relationship after that, pregnant or not.

Will he next be suggesting that as you gave birth to the baby you should be supported by your parents rather than him? Plenty of scope for him to suggest some guilt tripping there after all.

He is showing his horrible true colours.

Put it this way OP: if you stand up for yourself now. If he reacts well then you have made a change for the better and ensured security for you and your children.

If he reacts badly, you have seen his true colours and can make appropriate plans (and keep hold of your savings because you're going to need them).

In short, you have to have this conversation now. (I wonder, does his beneficent father pay 'housekeeping' to his mother? They all sound stuck in the 1950s!)

Amazed that you married him without discussing Finances! Does he see his income as his and yours as yours? When you're on maternity leave all income will be household income, you should both have access to it and both have the same disposable income after bills.

This sounds awful.

When I met my now DH he owned his own house and I moved in with him. I gave him £500 a month towards the food, bills utilities etc etc but he always said, right from the start that it's our house now, not his.

We then married a few years later and we are still in the house. We have been married for over 2 years now and are just looking at renewing our mortgage where I will be named on it. I was never concerned about the fact I haven't been on it the last five years because I was repeatedly told by my now DH that now I lived with him it was just as much mine as it was his (in his eyes anyway). I know for a fact that if we were to move my DH would never, ever demand any money from me.

Why do you have separate savings if you're married?

With regards to maternity pay, when I fell pregnant me and DH put £350 a month away into our 'maternity fund' so that by the time my maternity pay ended (about 24 weeks after birth if I remember correctly) we had about £4'000 to fund the remainder of my maternity. The £350 we put away each month was £175 from my monthly pay and £175 from his. Towards the end of my maternity leave our fund ran out and so my husband was happy to give me a share of his wage to enable me to have some free cash each month to spend as I wished.

I'm back at work now, have been for almost 6 months and when we both get paid it all goes into our joint account where we each transfer £400 each to our own personal account to spend as we wish and then the money remaining in the joint account is used for everything else: mortgage, bills, petrol, savings, holiday fund, money into DS's account, mobile phones, gym memberships, shopping etc etc. the joint account is basically for anything and everything.

My DH earns about £500 a month more than me but our 'personal spend' amounts are still equal (the £400) as our money is 'ours' not his and mine as separate entities.

I think you need up sit down and seriously discuss your financial situation with your DH bit from your post I'm not sure how easy this would be to do and nor am I sure about how receptive he would be.

Definitely don't go handing over large chunks of money to him though!!!!

REBBELS Just because your married and pregnant my Love it doesn't mean you have to make it work.

That idea started going out back in the 1950's!So many of us on here have been married and divorced,lots of us have gotten divorced and had young children.

Some of us were pregnant with an unplanned baby and didn't know when they split up with they're partner.

Some of us have more than one ex/partner that are Fathers to our children

I was all 4 of those Rebbels and I have a really happy life now with an amazing Husband and 5 Brilliant children who all adore they're Dad and he adores all of them.

I'm 40 now and for the past 9 years I have had the life I always wanted and needed but never thought would happen in my life time.

Your married and a real marriage is a partnership in every sense of the word!

Your name should have been put onto the deeds for the house as soon as you got married if not sooner.For him now to say you can't be put on the deeds of the new house and your pregnant with his first child and married to him does not bode well for you and your unborn child.

It doesn't sound like he treats yours like a real marriage.

Talked to him, ended up in another argument.

His response was that the reason he doesn't ever tell me about money stuff is because he thinks it would stress me out and he doesn't think I can cope with being involved in major financial decisions as I would get too stressed.

I am a bit of a worrier so this is probably right. He said that he thinks £10,000 is a small price to pay for the fact he has paid for everything and that he will make sure that I have money on maternity leave but he can't put an exact amount on it yet as he doesn't know.

He said that he thinks we shouldn't talk about money ever again as it always ends up in an argument. He said no to the joint bank account with both salary suggestion. He said if I put some money into our joint bank account to show my commitment he will keep it topped up.

He is still going on about asking my dad for money and says if he was a good dad and cared about me then he would give it to me. He also said that my dad clearly cares more about his new wife than me which I think he just said to make me upset.

He also said why do I want my name on the house because he thinks that I am just saying that and also keeping the savings for myself just in case we get a divorce which he said is horrible so he doesn't want to do either so that we can't ever divorce.

I can see what he means, making a back-up plan is horrible I don't want to divorce ever, I do love him but he can be difficult to talk to sometimes.

He sounds extremely controlling of you....

Wow, he sounds like he thinks the poor little woman can't handle big life decisions. What a tosspot. He sounds controlling and potentially financially abusive. Red flags here OP.

did he tell you not to worry your pretty little head while he was about it? What hell are you on about "I can see what he means"!!!!! He's been training you well hasn't he. He doesn't see you as an equal that's glaringly obvious.

he thinks it would stress me out and he doesn't think I can cope with being involved in major financial decisions as I would get too stressed.

maybe you are stressed because you don't have the full picture not because you can't "handle" (does he really mean that you don't understand finances?)

I would not be able to live with someone who would treat me as an idiot.

Sorry he's an arse. He expects total financial clarity from you but wants to play secret squirrel with 'his' assets. And you must never know about any of the financials so you don't worry your pretty little head? He sounds very controlling and the big red flags are waving here for me.

OP, I really hope you tell him to fuck off back to the 1850's ( not a typo, this git is about 200 years behind the times).

He is not willing to consider you an equal partner so now is the time to ask yourself what kind of example you set to your child. Are you a doormat who does as the man tells you or are you an equal adult in a relationship?

Also, more for your own peace of mind, work out what you have contributed. The food, holidays, cooking, cleaning etc.

Wait till you have the baby, you'll be doing all the nappies, bedtimes, night times, feeding, bathing etc, he won't be able to it'll make him too 'stressed'.

He thinks you want your name on the deeds in case you divorce? ?!! WTAF!

He's being unbelievably unreasonable.

I think he needs to realise that it's 2015, not 1915.

Jesus Christ.

Leave now.

That is all.

He's financially abusive, and if you stay you will never be an equal or have any adult input into your own family situation.

And, he's already influenced you negatively - subtly creating an air of 'you can't cope'. You're half believing it yourself. Of course you can cope. Money issues can be stressful sometimes, but they are YOUR issues too and you have every right to be a full part of the financial decisions of your own family.

He sees himself as the adult and you as inferior.

He will teach your children this too, undermining your authority as an adult and a parent. And teaching them the same hateful misogynistic way of thinking.

Leave now. Leave ESPECIALLY now before you have the baby, and see if that shocks him into reality. I don't think it will. But if you stay, you are not going to be happy and neither is your child. This man is not, not, not a keeper.

And saying if your dad loved you he'd give you the money, then saying he cares about his new wife more than you! I've read your last post several times OP and each time y mind is a little more blown.

Just wow.

Read what you have put as if it's about your best friend going through this.

Please protect yourself

The controlling behaviour will worsen ten fold when baby arrives.

Are you in the UK?

Do you realise this is 2015?

Get out. Get out. Get out. Get out. Get out. This is not a marriage. Is your family nearby? If you don't believe mumsnet, tell your family exactly what you told us and see how they react. You and your baby deserve MUCH better than this.

Wow. So he thinks youre a child who shouldn't worry her pretty little head about money, but should give all of yours to him AND demand huge sums from your parents to give to him? AND he wants the new house to be just his, AND you have no idea how you are going to have any money while on maternity leave having HIS child?

If this doesn't make you wake up and either leave him or sort out all the financials to put you on an equal (and legally protected) footing, you are completely MAD. He's done you a favour at least by letting you know how badly he is treating you and how he intends to keep doing so. You can't say you had no idea later when he gets worse and worse, because he will.

Sort it or run. NOW.

I don't think you should feel obliged to ask your Dad for money towards your house. It isn't really his responsibility to do this. It's nice if parents do help but they shouldn't feel under pressure.

It seems as if the house/mortgage situation has built up in your DH's mind. You need to sit down and have a discussion about finances. How much the new house will cost and how it's going to be paid for. I think you should put your savings into the new house but then he should pay all household expenses when you're on mat leave. And the house should be in joint names. You have to both take joint financial responsibility.

I missed your last post. Sorry. I think I now agree with the others that it's a no win situation if he won't discuss money and it will be even worse when the baby is here and you are on mat leave with no money.

Open your eyes, and look up financial abuse OP.

I am married to him and in the UK does this give me any protection? Even if we have only been married 1.5 years? If he doesn't put my name on the deeds will it be half mine?

You do have some protections but don't rely on them solely. He's not a good husband, he's not a nice man. If this is how he treats you while "happily married" can you imagine what he'd try and do to you in a divorce?

Op

Do you think you should be on the title deeds of your own family home?