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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about not getting married?

120 replies

Discopanda · 26/06/2015 01:13

Bit of background, DP and I were planning on getting married at some point in the future but never got around to officially getting engaged. He did buy me a ring which I never wore because it was too big, already resized by the seller so couldn't be made any smaller and, honestly, I don't wear jewellery and didn't really like it. After having DD1 spending money on a wedding seemed less and less important and now we have a second daughter there's no way we could afford a wedding. We now own our first house, I say 'we' but it is completely in his name as I'm self-employed and he's paying the mortgage. My mum has always said that we should get married for my financial protection in case he dies or we break up, his father also wants us to get married. MIL's family want us to get married purely to have a party which doesn't seem like the point of getting married.
Getting legally married for financial protection seems absolutely awful and unromantic to say the least. AIBU for just trusting DP to support DDs if we do split up and make a will in case he dies?

OP posts:
CultureSucksDownWords · 27/06/2015 10:16

I find it depressing that on this thread all men are being characterised as potentially cheating bastards who will abandon their children and skip off with a new woman (who will tell them what to do, and they will follow).

I know that's the worst case scenario, but I'd like to hope it isn't the majority of men!

PurpleWithRed · 27/06/2015 10:22

We decided to go from 'getting married some day' to actually getting married when I realised that if I died married my DH and kids would not have to pay about £150k in inheritance tax. Romantic enough for me. Get married.

GnomeDePlume · 27/06/2015 10:56

CultureSucksDownWords I dont think that is strictly true, I think that quite a few of us including PurpleWithRed immediately after your post have talked about the risk of death, illness etc.

The thing is that while the OP is in her happy, loving relationship and everyone is healthy then marriage isnt necessarily.

Problem is that things change. People fall out of love, they get hurt, they get ill, they die. When that happens you need to have the nature of the relationship tied down in law.

ColdCottage · 27/06/2015 12:23

You can spend a lot of money on lawyers to draw up documents to sign so you have similar protection as if you were married but why not just have a small ceremony just for you and the children, staff at the location as witnesses and then go for a nice lunch. Will cost less than £400 and no need to tell anyone if you don't want too. It's a personal yet practical simple solution. After all it is just about your little family really. Although its lovely to celebrate with family and friends and it will mean something to them too the most import people are you and DP.

florascotia · 27/06/2015 13:17

And even a quiet registry office wedding ceremony can be pretty romantic. In England and Wales you can include your own promises and readings etc www.gov.uk/marriages-civil-partnerships/weddings-and-civil-partnership-ceremonies

In Scotland you can do something similar:
www.nrscotland.gov.uk/registration/getting-married-in-scotland/marriage-ceremonies-in-scotland

specialsubject · 27/06/2015 13:25

we also got married to save on tax (this worked at the time) and car insurance. Whole day cost about £300, most of which was the meal for a small selection of rellies. Worked out cheaper. A reasonably fun day although I really hate ceremonies. But 20 plus years on, so far so good...

much tidier and easier than doing all the other things which give you the same protection as marriage.

it is quite an important piece of paper.

just do it. BTW marriage invalidates wills so do those afterwards. You can afford it, a weekday session at the registry office is well under £100.

CultureSucksDownWords · 27/06/2015 13:40

I think it's just all the naive/stupid comments that bothered me. The OP is being optimistic and perhaps short sighted, but naive and stupid is too much. I agree that she should sort out some basic issues like the mortgage if she really doesn't want to get married.

I'll declare at this point that I've been with my DP for getting on for nearly 15 years and we have a child. We're not married and I don't want to be married. I know exactly what position I would be in if any of the disasters that people have mentioned occur.

SanityClause · 27/06/2015 14:11

The romantic bit about marriage is the fact that two people are saying they care enough about each other to ensure each other's financial security, into the future.

In the event of a divorce, consideration is made for the fact that one partner may have sacrificed earnings in order to look after children. When a cohabiting couple split, this is not taken into consideration, at all.

There is no other legal framework that you can put in place to substitute for marriage.

You don't need a big party. You don't need a ring. All you need is the short ceremony, and the piece of paper.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 27/06/2015 14:16

I think this is the naive bit of the OP, Culture
"AIBU for just trusting DP to support DDs if we do split up and make a will in case he dies?"
and that's what people are responding to.

BertrandRussell · 27/06/2015 14:32

I would be very worried about not being on the deeds of the house. Why is that?

ImperialBlether · 27/06/2015 14:41

OP, you need to get married. It doesn't matter how much you trust your partner now; in the future it's likely he'd be with someone else if you split up and she might not be as favourable towards you.

As a previous poster said, go onto the Relationships board and read threads started by women who didn't marry. Some gave up their jobs to look after the children and years later they were thrown out, with no career, no pension and no home.

Seriously, the quickest and cheapest way you can ensure this doesn't happen to you is to get married now.

Mehitabel6 · 27/06/2015 14:49

It is not painting men in a bad light. Tragedy strikes anyone at any time. You need to be prepared.

MarionHaste · 27/06/2015 14:53

This topic crops up so often it should have its own board. I blame the Spice Girls for misleading an entire generation about the true meaning of Girl Power. As for the OP, it looks as if both sets of parents are so keen for you to marry that they will probably fund a small wedding for you. :)

OhEmGeee · 27/06/2015 16:29

Hmm OP hasn't been back.

fancyanotherfez · 27/06/2015 16:53

'trust him to make a will' does sound a bit naive, to be fair. What about 'dp let's make a will'. I really can't believe someone would even ask this hoary old chestnut on here when a million threads come up in the search. If you read all that and decide you still don't want to get married, then YANBU, you have made an informed decision and are willing to take the risk.

Mehitabel6 · 27/06/2015 17:03

Perhaps OP is making a date at the registry office!

prettybird · 27/06/2015 17:39

BTW Marriage invalidates wills...

Not the case in Scotland! not does divorce Hmm

(Now) dh had to make a point of writing a new will after his divorce from his first wife, otherwise if something had happened to him, she'd have got his estate as per his old will.

scarlets · 27/06/2015 18:36

I think that you're pretty vulnerable right now. Marriage would be a good idea.

An expensive wedding? Not important. ILs will need to find another excuse for a party.

RoboticSealpup · 27/06/2015 20:31

I must say your reasoning makes absolutely no sense to me whatsoever. The reasons you give for not wanting to get married are: A) You cannot afford to have a big wedding, but B) Marriage is not about the party anyway... However, C) You don't want to do it just to formalize in law a relationship which is practically a marriage anyway, but without the legal protections. Because that's not 'romantic'. Sounds to me like you just really don't want to be married.

WhereYouLeftIt · 27/06/2015 20:34

"Getting legally married for financial protection seems absolutely awful and unromantic to say the least."
Oh FFS Sad. I despair at the shite done in the name of 'romance'. IMO 'romance' was invented to cheat people out of the benefits of being RATIONAL. You have a child. Are you really willing to risk the roof over her head in the name of 'romance'?

"What about if we just took out a cohabiting agreement?"
No idea what that is. But I would bet good money that a quiet visit to the resgistrar to wed would be easier, cheaper and more effective.

RoboticSealpup · 27/06/2015 20:54

A cohabitation agreement sounds about as romantic as a cleaning rota, by the way.

Original poster
Discopanda · 27/06/2015 23:47

Admittedly, I have a lot of emotional baggage in regards to marriage, my mum is on husband number 3 and a couple of years ago almost left him, I have an absolutely non-existant biological father, I was engaged to my ex and that ended badly. We've spoken and as we basically consider ourselves a married couple in everything bar the legalities so we're just going to go to a registry office with a couple of friends, no rings, no parties, no name change. My mother is going to absolutely murder me.

OP posts:
MarionHaste · 28/06/2015 00:12

Happy outcome then, congratulations! I think you can push the boat out a bit though, maybe a new dress?

Original poster
Discopanda · 28/06/2015 00:16

I already spent £20 on new clothes in Primark today, I'm not spending more money on clothes til it gets cold again!

OP posts:
MarionHaste · 28/06/2015 00:21

Fair enough, then, just wear a big smile.