Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about not getting married?

120 replies

Discopanda · 26/06/2015 01:13

Bit of background, DP and I were planning on getting married at some point in the future but never got around to officially getting engaged. He did buy me a ring which I never wore because it was too big, already resized by the seller so couldn't be made any smaller and, honestly, I don't wear jewellery and didn't really like it. After having DD1 spending money on a wedding seemed less and less important and now we have a second daughter there's no way we could afford a wedding. We now own our first house, I say 'we' but it is completely in his name as I'm self-employed and he's paying the mortgage. My mum has always said that we should get married for my financial protection in case he dies or we break up, his father also wants us to get married. MIL's family want us to get married purely to have a party which doesn't seem like the point of getting married.
Getting legally married for financial protection seems absolutely awful and unromantic to say the least. AIBU for just trusting DP to support DDs if we do split up and make a will in case he dies?

OP posts:
NRomanoff · 26/06/2015 07:01

And yes Yabvu to assume if you split everything will be amicable. Splits tend to bring out the worse in people, people usually act in ways they never have before.

MsMcWoodle · 26/06/2015 07:02

My sil's partner walked out after 30 years. She won't get a penny of the pension he built up while she was a sahm to their children.

Nolim · 26/06/2015 07:03

Getting legally married for financial protection seems absolutely awful and unromantic to say the least.

I say Pragmatism over romanticism.

Mehitabel6 · 26/06/2015 07:07

It isn't just a split. If he died suddenly you would be in a hell of a mess, even with a will and if you got on with his parents. Make sure that he is never in a life threatening accident abroad.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 26/06/2015 07:12

I don't know what the current divorce stats are, but you can work on the basis that a whole load of those people trusted their spouse too. Thankfully when their relationships broke down, they had protection. It is irresponsible for you to have children without sorting this stuff out. Do it now.

I know several people who've had a dry legal register office wedding and a separate romantic meaningful commitment ceremony and party.

TTWK · 26/06/2015 07:13

Getting legally married for financial protection seems absolutely awful and unromantic to say the least.

We got married purely to save 20% on the ridiculously high car insurance when we were young and had just bought an XR3i together. The wedding cost less than the car insurance saving. That was 30 yrs ago. Grin

elizalovelacey · 26/06/2015 07:17

our wedding was just us,our kids and parents. In church in wedding attire, nice taxis decorated with ribbons, friend took photos,flowers from tesco ditto cake and we had pizzas delivered to our wedding decorated home. Was a beautiful perfect day costing us less than £1000. My point being it really dosent have to cost the earth to marry.

mummytime · 26/06/2015 07:25

Long term relationships aren't romantic - they may have romantic moments, but a lot of it is about commitment and hard work.

At present you may well have less legal rights to the house you live in than a lodger (you certainly would if you had no children).

YouMakeMyDreams · 26/06/2015 07:42

You would be cheaper to have a basic registry office wedding than getting a solicitor to make up a cohabiting agreement. I in the same situation years ago when ex and I split up. He was always very vocal about doing the right thing if we ever split up. He didn't it was a long hard fight all the way. Honestly get married get that protection in place for you and your dc.

PenguindreamsofDraco · 26/06/2015 07:43

Whilst you're deciding, just ask to go on the deeds. It's your family home, if he's a stand up guy who wouldn't do the dirty on you, he'll see the sense in it, surely?

whois · 26/06/2015 07:48

Getting legally married for financial protection seems absolutely awful and unromantic to say the least. AIBU for just trusting DP to support DDs if we do split up and make a will in case he dies?

It just makes things so much easier if you are married. Really really does.

Would it kill you to have a registry office marriage and then a small party for family afterwards? Nee sent cost much.

Starlightbright1 · 26/06/2015 07:52

yes marriage offers you financial security. There are legal ways around certain things but yes I think you should.

Hopefully you will be together more but like someone else has said once people separate you see a very different side of someone.

you also see couples that have been together 30 years and it is a complete shock to spouse anything is wrong. So yes you do need to protect yourself.

You don't have to have a big lavish affair but you can spend the day celebrating yourself as a couple with the bonus of making yourself secure should something happen. Like others have said..If something happened to you would you want your partner to be able to make descsions or your parents.

Supersoft · 26/06/2015 08:04

Why aren't you on the deeds, have you asked him? what has he put in his will? has he sorted his pension out so it will be paid to you if he dies (not every pension offers this but some do). you and your children are in an extremely vulnerable position. you need to sit down tonight and have a serious chat with him. If he's recluant to sort out the deeds, will, pension etc I think you need to take another look at your whole relationship. rightly or wrongly marriage gives you so much more protection.

MyCarHasBrokenDownAgain · 26/06/2015 08:05

TBH it's the ONLY reason DP and I got married - and our house is in both our names!

Quick registry office ceremony followed by a meal for us and two friends (the witnesses) and a trip to Morrisons for some loo roll (we'd run out at home). Rings were made from old rings I had and I used my mum's engagement ring (mainly because I'd always loved it and now had a proper excuse to wear it!). Cheap and cheerful but just what we wanted!

MrsRossPoldark · 26/06/2015 08:15

In terms of cost - about £50 to register a civil marriage v £150ph plus extras for a solicitor? No contest! Marriage automatically protects you under the law [with all its convuluted rules and reg's], whereas a solicitor's agreement will cost a fortune to ensure you have covered every eventuality.

GnomeDePlume · 26/06/2015 08:20

Please also consider what your position would be if either of you were to become incapacitated in any way. This could be a sudden illness or accident.

This isnt simply about making health decisions but also financial decisions.

You dont just need wills, you also need Powers of Attorney. These are fairly easy to do link.

These will cost you £220.

Whathaveilost · 26/06/2015 08:35

Jeez, OP you are naive!

Get advice how to protect yourself.
Sure not 'romantic' but act like a grown woman and not a simpering 14 year old!
Surely you should have got all the finance side of stuff sorted before you had a kid.

5madthings · 26/06/2015 08:43

Yanbu, a wedding doesn't have to be expensive,it's was £35 each to do the banns/register intent to marry and then £150 for registry office wedding, that was the cheapest our registry office did. We then bought nice outfits etc and had a cake, we went for a meal afterwards and we bought some alcohol for everyone but guests paid for their own meals. I did party bags for kids and we had photos done. It could be done even cheaper if you wanted but it's important to be married and I say that as someone who Co habitat for 18yrs but I was on the mortgage, dp insisted I was and we sorted wills, life insurance, legal stuff etc, even so I am better protected now we are married.

Are you on the deeds or registered as interested party re the house?

MissShunImpossible · 26/06/2015 08:46

tbh that is what marriage is IMO! You did the romantic stuff getting together, living together, deciding to have children together.

Marriage is telling the state that you are a couple. Which you are! So I'd get it done at a registry office asap if I were you. Then you are accorded all the legal and financial benefits that you should have.

If you want to have a party, go ahead - now or later - but get yourself protected with a marriage cert and a will asap. I will worry about you until you do, let alone your mum!

expatinscotland · 26/06/2015 08:55

You are being very, very naive. You can't afford not to get married. You don't even need rings as a legal requirement, just the fee for the banns and the registry office.

5madthings · 26/06/2015 09:01

That should have said yabu...

5madthings · 26/06/2015 09:03

Yep expat is right, you don't have to exchange rings ar a registry office wedding, we did just very simple silver ones cost less than £100 for the two.

rabbitstew · 26/06/2015 09:03

I think you are confusing a wedding for a party. The two are different, it's just that lots of people like to waste money on the latter after they've done the former. It is not the law that you spend lots of money on a wedding dress...

Marriage is not about being romantic, it's a legal contract, although nevertheless is considerably more romantic than going to a solicitor to negotiate an alternative legal arrangement. And just winging it is, imo, really foolish and risky. It really wouldn't take much effort and would cost very little money to get married. If you wanted a dress and a party later on, then you can do that later on, just don't delay the important bit...

Greenrememberedhills · 26/06/2015 09:08

I don't think it's important to get married. It us important to get your name on the deeds of the house as a co-owner and to ensure that paternity is acknowledged. You need to speak to a solicitor.

MissShunImpossible · 26/06/2015 09:17

If you go on the deeds, likelihood is you will have to enter the mortgage too - the mortgage is the security for the loan your DP took out (hopefully just the one to buy the house, but given you currently have no legal interest in the property you won't know if he's re-mortgaged unless you see a land registry search. Another reason to have your legal situation reflect your actual situation). The way the bank/mortgagee sees it, if he defaults on the loan, they want to take the house, sell it, and get their money paid back. They can't do that if you are a joint owner or have any interest in the property that has to be compensated before they sell. So they would be mad to just let you do it! He would be effectively giving you half the property, so you can see why they would be interested in that...

Your being s/e shouldn't be a problem in itself - plenty of non-working partners are party to the mortgage deeds.

If you don't do it for you, please do it for your DDs.

Swipe left for the next trending thread