AIBU about not getting married?

[Discopanda]

Bit of background, DP and I were planning on getting married at some point in the future but never got around to officially getting engaged. He did buy me a ring which I never wore because it was too big, already resized by the seller so couldn't be made any smaller and, honestly, I don't wear jewellery and didn't really like it. After having DD1 spending money on a wedding seemed less and less important and now we have a second daughter there's no way we could afford a wedding. We now own our first house, I say 'we' but it is completely in his name as I'm self-employed and he's paying the mortgage. My mum has always said that we should get married for my financial protection in case he dies or we break up, his father also wants us to get married. MIL's family want us to get married purely to have a party which doesn't seem like the point of getting married.
Getting legally married for financial protection seems absolutely awful and unromantic to say the least. AIBU for just trusting DP to support DDs if we do split up and make a will in case he dies?

We aren't going to marry

We have a cohabitation agreement. Cost quite a bit. Far cheaper to pop to registry office.

Sorry if I sound cynical but there is no way I'd leave myself unprotected. I have to be part time at the moment. Not having anything in place would concern me.

"AIBU for just trusting DP to support DDs if we do split up and make a will in case he dies?"

Yes.

If you split up, all bets on his conduct are off - read any if the many threads started by people who found themselves in precisely that situation.

Wills offer very little protection, really, as it is so quick and easy to draw up a new one.

Right now, you have nothing. And I mean nothing.

You could be evicted, and receive only CSA level of CM. Deeply unromantic.

None of the posters to who actually ended up with nothing thought that it would ever happen to them.

YABVU for all the reasons listed already. But also, getting married for financial reasons is awful and unromantic but a cohabitation agreement would be fine? That makes zero sense.

Anyway, if for some unknown reason you're not going to get married, you need to do the following NOW. You may have done some already:

• check the house situation. If you don't have any share in it, sort that out. Be aware that if you go for tenants in common rather than joint tenants, DP could choose to leave his share to someone else other than you if he liked.

• check any pensions and insurances, ensure you're named as a beneficiary. You won't be entitled to any of his pension if you split, so start paying into your own if you've not already. Also, if he dies, you won't be eligible for any widowed parent allowance, so make sure any insurance you have reflects this (ie, you'll have a lower income than you would if you were married so you might want to be insured for a higher amount).

• make mirror wills. Be aware that he could change his unilaterally and, unlike if you were married, you'd have a very tough time changing it. You'll need to check whether inheritance tax is likely to apply to you and, if so, put a plan in place for paying it without having to sell the house. There are insurance policies that can cover this, or savings.

• nominate each other as next of kin and ensure your GP has this information.

This is all going to cost you more time and money than a quick registry office job, but c'est la vie. If you're going to live as a family with someone who you're not married to and have children together, these are the minimum necessary protections.

Greenrememberedhills "I don't think it's important to get married. It us important to get your name on the deeds of the house as a co-owner and to ensure that paternity is acknowledged. You need to speak to a solicitor"

Do you know any Gay couples? If so you could talk to them about all the difficulties they had before they had at least the right to civil partnership, never mind Gay marriage.

Marriage (not a big fancy wedding) can be by far the cheapest way to make sure both partners are protected at least in England, including things such as next of kin decisions or organising funerals etc.

Also consider what your position is if you travel abroad for a holiday. Will your non-married-but-a-couple status be recognised? Marriage is internationally recognised.

The unthinkable happens on holiday:

• accident
• illness
• arrest
• victim of crime

All of these can be made far more complicated if your status as a couple is not locally recognised or challengeable.

I rarely say this but you need to be married. Why are you not on the mortgage? Why are you not on the deeds to the house.

If something happened to your dp, at best everything would be extremely complicated to work out, at a (you would assume) stressful time whereas if you were married you'd just pretty much just get it all. Think of your daughters as well as yourself!

And you would be liable to pay IHT. Getting married is by far the easiest way to protect you and your daughters.
You should ask to be put on the deeds of the house today tho. I'm on the deeds of a property my parents own, despite never having been on the mortgage. This is purely to ensure it passes on easily and without IHT to me should anything happen to them.

YANBU in not seeing marriage as a solution but YABU because you aren't on the deeds of the house.

We're not married and don't want to be. The legal advice we got is that if DP is on the birth certs (he is), we are joint tenants on the house we own (we are) and our assets are below the inheritance tax threshold (they so are) then there's really no point. We are each named as beneficiaries for the others pensions. Unless we win the lottery, we don't gain any security or financial advantage by marrying.

Our wedding cost less than £300 including a pizza afterwards for us, DD and our two witnesses. Just do it. You don't even have to tell anyone if you don't want to.

You can go down to the registry office with two friends for less than £120 and get married. I think you're being incredibly naive to have children with a man you're not married to - just go over to the relationships board to see how shitty previously "loving and romantic" partners become when the relationship breaks down.

There are mums on there who are left homeless or moving in with parents, with ex's who have emptied their bank accounts and vanished, leaving them doing 100% childcare with no child support being paid out either. Yes, it's the worst case scenario but why on earth would you risk it? You're essentially risking your children's security by refusing to get married.

Also, if you get married, you're safe if he dies as well as if the relationship ends. You're guaranteed accommodation, money and support if it all goes tits up. I think it's romantic to make sure your partner/kids are protected if things go wrong, and rather horrible to leave them open to having nothing.

What's your objection to getting married OP?

To me, it seems like you do want to get married, but can't afford to have the kind of wedding ceremony that you'd ideally like to have at the moment.

So, you could investigate the various steps necessary to protect yourself as a cohabiting partner as much as possible in the event of separation, death etc, and then implement them all. There are some things that you might not be able to do anything about such as inheritance tax, but that may not affect you. The next of kin thing is open to wide interpretation as it has no legal definition, but as long as you and your partner make your next of kin intentions known to anyone relevant that should not be a problem.

Or, as you don't seem opposed to the concept of marriage, you could have a cheap quick marriage ceremony with zero frills and get that level of protection immediately. It can be as romantic between you and your partner as you make it, without needing hoards of guests and a party to make it so.

If he gets knocked down by a bus this afternoon you could be on the street by tomorrow morning.

Why not? You would have no right to be living in the house.

And if he does get knocked down by the theoretical bus, will his parents allow you to be part of the funeral?

If you are knocked down by the bus, would your family allow him any say in the funeral arrangements?

It is cheaper to get a quick registry office service with two witnesses and no fuss than it is to get all the agreements and wills in place - and they don't do as good a job as a wedding cert.

Does marriage carry any weight with whatever the CSA are calling themselves these days? Genuine question.

YABU. And I say that as someone else who is consciously unmarried.

You can get powers of attorney, cohabitation agreements and the like to put everything in place. But it costs a lot more than getting married.

You can trust that he is a good man who won't leave you and your DD's in a bedsit if you split up because you have no money. You can trust that his family love you to and will defer to you as the person who would make decisions about his medical care.

Sadly, the bank won't give a toss about that if he gets run over tomorrow. And that is what you need to plan for more than anything else.

I think all the CSA care about is paternity e.g. being named on the birth certificate, having parental responsibility or even proof of paterntiy via a DNA test if neither of these are the case.

I say bugger romance, protect yourself and your DDs. Read the relationship threads - see how men change when they leave relationships.
Then read the bereavement threads - accept that accidents and illness can and do happen.

Then get married, as it's the easiest and cheapest way to cover your bases.

I can't think of anything more romantic than wanting to know that your partner is protected against all eventualities.
Too many people think 'it can't happen to me- dreadful things just happen to other people' - until they find out that they do not have immunity and they are 'the other people'.

This thread amazes me! With the current trend for living together being so prevalent, how come marriage is so unpopular?! Just saying!

Protecting each other and your children IS romantic!

This thread amazes me! With the current trend for living together being so prevalent, how come marriage is so unpopular?! Just saying!

I think the problem is that people confuse the wedding (party) with marriage (commitment).

Many couples put themselves under a lot of pressure to have the 'perfect' wedding.

There is a huge industry aimed at couples and their families which is dedicated to implying to couples that if their confetti cannons and table decorations arent coordinated then somehow the marriage commitment will be less.

And of course many couples see all the hyperbole surrounding the 'perfect' wedding and get stuck in a panicked inertia. What they want is the commitment but feel they have to jump through the hoop of a perfect wedding.

Nonsense of course but I think you do have to be very strong to resist it.

It is because people not on this thread just believe that 'common law' protects them. There was a newspaper article not long ago when an unmarried woman and mother, who had been in a relationship with the children's father for years, made an appointment to see a solicitor on the breakup saying 'I appreciate you will need half an hour to explain my rights' the reply was 'I won't need 2 minutes for that- you don't have any'.
Too many people still breezily say that a marriage certificate is 'just a piece of paper' - you hope they never have to find out how important a piece of paper it is!

You would be stupid to not get married or have something legal drawn up to protect your assets. Getting married would be a lot easier and cheaper than taking the other route.

Your relationship may be amazing at the moment but can you account for the next 5-10 years? feelings can change, cheating may happen. Just look at the relationship board, look at any board online or your friendship circle. You really think you can trust him after you split? you would be very naïve to believe that, once you split he owes you nothing and I am sure he have a new woman speaking in his ear.

Yes it is unromantic but I rather be married and unromantic then in 10 years time end up with nothing after supporting ex for all those years to build his career.