to want to punch brown-nosing colleague right in his smug face

[MrsGideon]

I work in a very small team of 4 and the guy opposite me is the BIGGEST suck-up I've ever met. He gets in at about 8 every morning, doesn't leave until gone 7pm, NEVER takes holiday (except once when he took a day off and then came in at lunchtime because he was bored) and then, when asked, claims that he has soooooooooo much to do that he couldn't possibly take a day off. WE HAVE THE SAME AMOUNT OF WORK!! I feel like it's making me look bad, even though I'm clearly more efficient than he is

He also agrees with literally everything the boss says and is one of those people whose opinions change based on who he is with at the time.

AND he's one of those people who spends 90% of each phone call he makes talking absolute bullshit and not listening to the poor candidate on the other end while annoyingly pacing up and down the room

I know I sound like a right bitch but I needed to get that off my chest

//end rant

Please make me feel better by telling me hilarrible tales of your annoying colleagues?

Re: anyone feeling sorry for him...

He's engaged to the love of his life and they are getting married in November! I know that doesn't always necessarily mean they're rampantly happy all the time, but having known him for a good year, it's pretty obvious that he's madly in love with her.

I'm loving the tales of work-related woe - keep them coming!

Uugghhhh I want to staple things to his head on your behalf!

He sounds like hard work!! I worked with a teacher who dated a colleague, when they split she smashed up his car with a hammer at break in full view of pupils! Pupils had the good sense to find the head teacher and say Miss xXxX has gone mad.

I've worked with a few horrors, a manager once complained to my manager that my colleague and I came in at 8.30 and left at 5 (our contracted hours) where as she came in early and left late.
I pointed out to her that not only was she payed about 4 x times my salary but also if she was unable to get her work done within her contracted hours maybe she should take time management course or discuss her work load with her manager.
It wasn't mentioned again.

Haha thanks Stillyummy, come and have at it!

My colleagues are also crazy racist sometimes. I had a Polish candidate once who was trying to decide between two (very skilled and pretty high-paid) job offers, and they kept saying things like "he's just being greedy because he wants to send money back to his family in Poland" and "he should be greatful he's not cleaning the streets or working in McDonalds"

Oh and there was the time they said it was controversial to have a picture of a black woman and her baby on a website banner advertising a product.

Yeah... I need a new job

He sounds like a complete arse. Your consolation is knowing that this fact will not have passed anybody else by.

I once read an online interview with a former boyfriend (very ancient history!) who is now a director. Oh my goodness, I cringed! Full of management woffle and snap phrases about capturing the "hearts and minds" of customers.

I had a mental picture of a warrior complete with scalping axe

I work in a business that has an offshoot of car sales. The director of the car sales division is very short, balding, smells, what hait he has left is greasy and he sports a Hitler 'tache.

He wears massive diamond rings, and a Rolex, but has no upper teeth on one side of his mouth and is completely obsessed with money. He knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.

Some of his favourite sayings are 'I'm a very wealthy man', 'I'm buying another house this week', and 'How much do you reckon this cost?'

He is also fond of practical 'jokes' such as giving the ladies in the cafe a fake scratchcard the week before Christmas and not telling them until after they had promised their grandchildren a trip to Disney. His favourite hobby is selling his house, then pulling out at the last minute so the chain collapses. He has done this at least half a dozen times in the last two years. Prick.

He is an atrocious cunt and I absolutely despise him. Would you like to swap?

Haha definitely not, I think I'd rather keep my racist arse-kissing bullshitter

I used to work with a woman who ate a whole iceberg lettuce at her desk every...y'know like you would eat an apple.

Half an hour of crunching and slurping every day drove me to a state of near murderous fury.

I could pm you a link to his house on rightmove if you like? That should take your mind off your twattish colleague!

I'm just going to take a wild stab in the dark here - is it... one of those awful, MASSIVE mock-Georgian jobs with pillars and gates and one too many flashy twat-mobiles in the driveway?

No, but it does have a lot of red carpet, gold taps and a reproduction 4 poster bed!

Omg cat didn't you post about the scratch cards

Horrid sick man

CatThief Those poor women. That's foul. BUT they work in the café... so I'm cheering myself up with possible forms of revenge open to them. I hope he eats there often.

I did post at the time yes. Apparently it was 'banter'. Yeah fucking hilarious. Cunt.

Banter translates as utter cockery in most cases.

I work with someone like the biceps kisser. He used to be my manager.

He sounds very irritating!! Ca you think of a good reason to move desk?

MN is like another planet sometimes. Telling the OP is a nasty person - so you lot have never been irritated by anyone?
And I give it to 45 replies before someone suggests taking Annoying Annoyingson for a coffee and heart to heart

I've come across colleagues who felt they should pour so much time into their job. One of our teachers arrived early, left last, worked through every lunchtime and even came in at the weekends to do extras.

I just took pride in working 'smarter' rather than 'harder or longer' as I always got everything done that I needed to do my job well.

Also to lighten your mood OP -

I used to work with a very nice young chap but I spent about 95% of the day wanting to put his head in a vice because he was so bloody irritating. The reason being he was ALWAYS joking. About everything. example:

Me: colleague, could you come here and check this for me
Him: as an actress said to a bishop
Me: what do you think of this copy are we getting the right messages out there?
Him: nah it's shit hahahha
Me: ....right. Can you proof read it please?
Him: ooh suits you sir! I'll proof it so I will
Me: thanks. Can you get it back to me by 3pm please?
Him: oooh I dunno I'll have to see if I can fit it in between my game of golf and my massage hahahaha

It was CONSTANT and did my head in. when I left, on my leaving do we were talking and he mentioned he knew he irritated me. I was frank and told him he joked too much but he was a very nice guy. He said "yes my wife says that I'm a 'grower', as in I grow on people, so if it helps I'm aware I'm a bit of a twat". It was the only time he ever actually made me laugh

CathTheif please post link to his house!

Marnie I loathe martyr workers!! In my last job the hours were 8.30-5 with an hours lunch. No matter how much work I had I never worked for free but most other people did and I was being very controversial apparently. I used to take my whole hour lunch and I'd return to glares and passive aggressive comments. Followed by "it's 3pm and I haven't even had my sandwich yet. I can't remember the last time I had a full hour lunch". Oh bloody piss of and stop being a martyr, we work in PR the world won't stop spinning if you stop your work for an hour. And no fucker ever thanked them anyway for the unpaid overtime, not once, so I don't understand why they did it actually I do, it's cause they were kissy bum twats

Bring in a nice juicy apple. Buff it to a mirror shine.

When he starts, loudly offer it to him saying: 'Here. Why don't you give it to the teacher?'

Office Creep Of All Time has to be the woman who said to our boss: 'Do you know what Jane, I've been so busy all morning, I've only just noticed how lovely your shoes are.'

Tru-fact.

And slow hand clap from the rest of us.

Jane liked it.

I worked with someone once who tried to hire a hit man to kill his wife.

He asked another colleague who was ex army to help him find someone. Army colleague called the police and set up a sting where murderous colleague met with supposed hit an who was actually a police officer. He is now in prison.

We were all a bit shocked because he was a bit of a wet lettuce, but he did have a history of talking all the time about what a bitch his wife was to all and sundry. They had two children of primary age and I felt so sorry for them.