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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU To want to be able to go on holiday just once

40 replies

Discotastic · 23/06/2015 15:55

I am aware holidays are a luxury and not everyone can afford them, however we are in a position where it is possible if we save and spread out the cost over the year that we can do this.

My DH and I have been together for five years, we have a DS 2, DSS10 DSSD 7. His parents moved to Spain four years ago and don't like coming back to the UK apart from special occasions.

We have taken all the kids out to see them in the summer holidays every year they have been there as this is now their only real opportunity to see Granny & Grandad and likewise for my DH to see his parents once a year apart from Skype. In most years it uses up most of our annual leave and any disposable income. It is a difficult situation as I know my DH misses his parents and DSS & DSD also miss their grandparents and my DS doesn't really know them apart from Skype. I have no issue with DH going out to see them when he likes or taking the kids, but his EX isn't keen apart from a couple of weeks in the summer.

I'd love to be able to book a summer holiday for us all to get away, but then its not possible for the kids to go and see their grandparents; that feels awful....but AIBU that after five years I would like to go on our first holiday together just once at least? I don't want to come between my DH seeing his parents or the kids and their grandparents, but I would just like a break that doesn't involve my in laws- AIBU?

OP posts:

TheFlis12345 · 23/06/2015 16:03

I sympathise as for years my annual leave time was all used up visiting close friends and family abroad (thankfully all in amazing locations I loved to go to!). Would you consider going to Spain but splitting the trip partly with your in laws and then going elsewhere within fairly easy travelling distance just you, DH and the kids so it feels like more of a holiday?

CuthbertDibble · 23/06/2015 16:07

Yanbu.

My parents live in Spain, going to visit them is not a holiday, it's visiting parents who happen to live in a warm place not far from the sea.

They are the ones that moved abroad, they really should make a bit more of an effort to come back and visit their children and grandchildren.

haveabreakhaveakitkat · 23/06/2015 16:08

A two centre holiday? Few days with in laws then move on to a different part of Spain?

ProcrastinatorGeneral · 23/06/2015 16:10

After five years it's their turn to make an effort. How damnably lazy and selfish of them.

Book your holiday and enjoy it.

Original poster

Discotastic · 23/06/2015 16:12

They don't get to see the kids from one year to the next and have asked if they could spend up top a month with them during the six weeks hols, but their mom won't agree to that. Granny & Grandad would want to spend as much time with them as possible and they do pay for the kids flights as well. So going somewhere else when there isn't really an option.

It would be nice if they came to the UK more to see my DH and kids then it wouldn't be so bad.

OP posts:

MrsDeVere · 23/06/2015 16:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Discotastic · 23/06/2015 16:19

They see it as the kids holiday, that they have guaranteed good weather and are minutes from the beach and that they look forward to it all year. In fairness to the in laws they have bought a second apartment last year which they rent out to holiday makers and we are free to use as long as it's not booked.

OP posts:

gobbynorthernbird · 23/06/2015 16:26

It isn't a 'holiday' though and you need to make sure DH understands that (DF is in Brittany, so I know exactly how you feel).
Do DSC go on holiday with their mum? Would it be possible for you to go away without them?

DinosaursRoar · 23/06/2015 16:26

Why won't they come to the UK? If they can afford it (they pay for the DCs to travel, so it would cost them the same), and they are the ones who have the time (as they are retired), then why not come and stay with you then see the DCs without you having to use up lots of leave, they could even help out with school holiday care if that's an issue... If you are happy to put them up/have the space, there's no reason for them not to.

If they chose not to see the Grandchildren, that's really their choice. (similar issue here, my parents have moved to their holiday home now, they have complained about not seeing the DGC as we're going elsewhere on holiday this year, they don't want to come to England over the summer, I refused to change our family plans to suit their retirement plans)

MonstrousRatbag · 23/06/2015 16:30

I had this situation once DS was born, until my MIL died. I was quite happy to go over now and then but DH and I never committed to making it the focus of every holiday. You need nuclear family time too, it really isn't selfish to arrange that now and again.

If your ILS refuse to come to the UK to see family then they cannot hold you responsible for the fact they won't see their grandchildren for a while.

VelvetRose · 23/06/2015 16:31

It's not fair that it's always you making the effort quite apart from the lack of a proper holiday.

junebirthdaygirl · 23/06/2015 16:38

My brother lives abroad and visits his family here including elderly mom every second year. They come with his three kids and spend a while.The alternate years they go on a family holiday and until my mom was too frail to travel she visited them most years for a short visit. I think family holidays are so important as they build bonds that stand to everyone for life. I would go with alternate years.

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/06/2015 16:44

So the ex is an issue and the GPs are an issue. I which case, talk to them. DH can say to the ex, "we don't want to go away just with DS without DSC so could we have an extra week so that DSC don't feel excluded?". Or to the GPs, "we really want to go to France camping, could you come and see us this year?". What would they say?

TattyDevine · 23/06/2015 16:45

I get this a bit. My parents live in Australia and for the 4 of us to go over there we could have an amazing holiday closer to home, but the obligation is to visit every couple of years. We could have had some cracking holidays if we didn't have this commitment. But I chose to settle here in the UK so I just suck it up I guess! Its more the annual leave than the money to be honest, and now you can't take the children out of school we have to go there in the Winter as well, which is when its our summer. Yay, lets blow 5 grand on a lovely Winter break every 2 years. Hmmm.

0ldmum · 23/06/2015 16:45

Completely get your point and you are being fair especially as you say they have bought an apartment that you can use, however well you get on it must be nice to have your own space!
Would a compromise be to go to spain in the summer and then in the May halfterm or the October half term go away with just your family.
That way everyone is happy and the May or October halfterm would be a lot cheaper.

WorldsBiggestGrotbag · 23/06/2015 16:46

We are in an almost identical situation! IL's are retired and have much more disposable income than us but we're always expected to go there (they live in Spain too). we went in May and have agreed not to go again for at least a year and will use our money for a family holiday instead.

TattyDevine · 23/06/2015 16:46

And if we go at Christmas instead, we can take less than 2 weeks and pay 6 grand. Bonus!

Charley50 · 23/06/2015 16:47

I'd go for two weeks, one week with GPs and one in another part of Spain. GPS can still pay for the kids flights . If ex grumbles, she's being unreasonable.

Original poster

Discotastic · 23/06/2015 16:47

gobbynorthernbird DSC do go away with their mum and with our DS being 2 yrs we would go away in term time but if we go to Spain annual leave and money becomes very tight and requires precision planning and no days off for medical apt etc!

DinosaursRoar it is more about my DH being angry with me the rest of the year if we don't go to Spain as he enjoys going it is the only time of year that he spends that length of time with his other DC and parents. They can come and stay with us, but we will still need to take annual leave as they wouldn't have my 2 yr old DS all day (they don't really know him) and the DSS would go stir crazy in the house all day with them, even though they are with us every weekend and have their own rooms they would get cabin fever very quickly.

OP posts:

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 23/06/2015 16:55

Can you spend some time with ILs and another week elsewhere in Spain.
Would ILs mind the DC and let yourself and DH spend a few days together??

It is what you make of it. But with a bit of thought and planning, you should be able to make a 'holiday' out of your time in Spain.

LikeASoulWithoutAMind · 23/06/2015 17:00

I don't understand why the GPs can't visit the UK every other year? I think it's reasonable to give up some of your annual leave/holiday budget but it isn't fair to devote all of it. Family time is really important.

Original poster

Discotastic · 23/06/2015 17:09

Alternate years would be bliss, I could live with that easily!
Momoftwogirls2 they would only have the DSS not my DS, and the DSS would be gutted if they weren't spending time with their Dad too ( and my DH too)
Oldmum unfortunately we couldn't afford to take all 3 kids away twice in one year.

Everyone assumes it is a "cheap holiday" but we still have to pay for food and usual holiday items for kids and our flights aren't cheap, it always costs the same as a cheap all inclusive hol!

I'm just made to feel like the wicked step mother if I dare suggest it is not a holiday, it is just visiting relatives that happen to be in a foreign country and never thought this would become every "holiday" we have.

OP posts:

Original poster

Discotastic · 23/06/2015 17:13

There is also enormous pressure from the DSS 10 yr old and DSD 7 year old, as to when we are taking them next to Spain to see Granny & Grandad, and that's it not fair if we don't go.....

OP posts:

DinosaursRoar · 23/06/2015 17:24

The idea of going somewhere else in Spain is a good one, preferably in a hotel, so you get a different type of holiday and your PILs can join you (cheaper for them as they can drive and only pay for the hotel) or they can fly to England. I think you do need to talk to your DH about how you dont see it as a holiday, and think he needs to talk to his parents about their refusal to come to you.

Lunastarfish · 23/06/2015 17:30

Could you say, for example, to the PIL, that we are going to Benidorm staying in X hotel - you are welcome to join us?

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