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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to stop contact?

125 replies

Missfishandchips · 22/06/2015 13:26

Please, I need advice...

I have a DD who is 5, and I split from her biological Dad when she was 2. EXDP was very emotionally abusive towards me, and DD suffered until he left.
EXDP wanted to keep in contact with DD and would see her for on average for about a 24 hour period a week which would include an overnight stay. DD's behaviour would always be terrible when she came back, and EXDP gives no input to parenting and would generally buy toys to in a sense buy DD's love.
Fast forward a few years, I am now in a brilliant relationship and expecting another baby (which DD is thrilled about), and my now DP has lived with us for about 10 months. Both DD and DP get on brilliantly, and DD has begun calling DP Dad (all of this has been of her own accord, not encouraged by me or DP).
In the meantime, DD has continued to see EXDP, but this has been very erratic on his part - changing dates, or cancelling. However, in March DD went for her usual overnight stay and I had to go and pick her up after an hour as she was hysterically crying that she didn't want to stop overnight with him. Eventually I got DD to tell me the reason (this took days), and she said that EXDP had really shouted at her, and she didn't know what she had done wrong. EXDP denied all knowledge.
Now DD refuses to sleep over with him (NB EXDP has/d DD at his Mum's house, as he refuses to tell me where he lives, he doesn't drive so if he wants to see DD I have to take her to meet him either at a pre arranged spot or his Mum's house), and is now down to seeing him for about 45 mins one afternoon after school and 6 hours on a Saturday. 8 times out of 10 DD says she never wants to go, unless EXDP is taking her shopping for toys unless crap that she doesn't need DD never wants to talk to him if he calls, and is generally very happy whenever EXDP isn't on the scene. Sometimes, DD will ask very strange questions such as 'Don't you love me?' (A classic EXDP line), or most recently 'Am I a boring little girl?' She will never tell me who says such things to her, but she will open up to DP, who then finds out that EXDP says these things to her and she's not to tell her Mum.
Now, DD saw EXDP on Thursday for their usual walk about Tesco for 45 mins, and when I picked her up she announced that she had bought 'Dad' (A name she hasn't used for him since way before my DP was on the scene) a Father's Day card. In short, he had bought himself a card (to my knowledge he's never done this before) and got her to write on it.
Saturday morning rolls around, and she's quite certain that she didn't want to go see him, so I let him know, he demanded to know why, and I just said that she didn't give me a reason (which she didn't). I then asked if he wanted to see her on Sunday instead (Fathers' Day), but I had no reply.
Yesterday DD was very excited to see if EXDP had opened her card, and asked if she could call him, so off she went (I put the phone on speaker so I can intervene if needed) and she asked if she could see him to which the reply was 'NO, I'm too busy. You didn't want to see me yesterday'. DD then asked him 4 times if he loved her, (I was trying to get her to end the conversation as she was getting upset) and then she began to cry and I mean a real heartbroken cry.
I cuddled her for about half an hour afterwards and she was asking why doesn't he want to do things with me, he's always texting on his phone or shouts at me etc. Eventually I cheered her up, DP finished work and and we enjoyed the rest of the day without EXDP being mentioned.
I don't want DD to have anything to do with EXDP as I really don't think that he's good for DD. ABIU to ignore his calls and not to arrange the 6 hour 45 minute visits?
My DD is a very happy bright girl, who loves to sleep over at my parents and DP's parent's house, and she has lots of friends and loves school. Put her with EXDP and she becomes very unhappy and withdrawn.
Also, I forgot to add, DP and I get married next April, and DD's surname has been changed by deedpoll to DP's when it used to be EXDP. EXDP didn't fight to keep her name the same.
ABIU to tell the abusive C*NT to do one for the sake of my DD??

OP posts:

SoundsLegit · 22/06/2015 20:54

Yes, and when asked if that was true the OP avoided the question (despite it being mentioned a few times). Like I said, there could be unusual circumstances surrounding the soap bring a regular dater but still in a relationship, but either she was lying about her circumstances then or she's lying about the length of her relationship now.

Aeroflotgirl · 22/06/2015 20:56

Hold that is what she has said so you have to take it at face value. I think a lot of you are forgetting, this is no Disney dad, but an abusive individual who has abused op, and seems to be doing the same to dd. Apart from op rushing into things with this new man, I am not surprised she does not want her dd to have contact with her emotionally abusive father.

HoldYerWhist · 22/06/2015 20:56

Except that her posts from last year tell a different story!

Aeroflotgirl · 22/06/2015 20:58

Hold if your concerned about the authenticity of her threads, report them!

HoldYerWhist · 22/06/2015 21:00

Sorry, x posts.

Aero I don't think for one second that 'man' is a good father.

But I still think she has made some very poor choices.

HoldYerWhist · 22/06/2015 21:01

What are you talking about? I haven't once questioned the authenticity of the threads!

CurbsideProphet · 22/06/2015 21:02

Agreed Aeroflotgirl I don't understand why people are going on about what the OP said last year and how that makes her posts inconsistent. Either offer advice or report the thread and move on

Aeroflotgirl · 22/06/2015 21:03

I certainly think she us rushing things, for the sake of her dd she should take things very slowly. I do disagree with the name changing, if she felt that way about her ex, change it to her maiden name.

Aeroflotgirl · 22/06/2015 21:07

Exactly curbeside, fir all we know she could be in a very vulnerable position, it certainly sounds as though she might be, rushing from one relationship to another, to escape her abusive ex. If you don't believe op is genuine, report it.

Aeroflotgirl · 22/06/2015 21:09

except her posts from last year tell,a differnt story implies she is lying, so report it if you think that or iffer goid advice. No wonder op has scarpered, I don't blame her.

HoldYerWhist · 22/06/2015 21:10

Ffs, people were questioning the length of her relationship because she was single last year.

And the reason they were questioning it is that people are concerned at the decisions she seems to be rushing into.

Just like you've just thought she's vulnerable, so too have others.

So tell me, who is doubting the veracity of the OP? Who has claimed her story is untrue? Who has said she isn't genuine?

penguinsaresmall · 22/06/2015 21:10

curbside I think the point is that people are offering advice based on what the op posted here and on what they already know from other threads she posted on. Surely if she wanted any of it to be secret she wouldn't have posted it on a public forum?

HoldYerWhist · 22/06/2015 21:11

You might have noticed that OP refused to answer questions about whether she is the same poster. She is.

Lying about one part of her post, probably because she knows she rushed into things, doesn't make her a troll and not one person has said that it does.

Before you climb on your high horse, make sure your saddle fits.

fastdaytears · 22/06/2015 21:14

Well didn't she say she split up from Ex when DD was 2 and DD is now 4 so it's not been a long relationship regardless of whether she was single 11 months ago. It's very fast and the name thing will look really odd to the court if it ever gets that far. Father consented but it was OP who thought it was a good idea for her DD to have a name that didn't belong to either parent. I do think both step parents and NRP have a responsibility to help children understand they can love their step parent to bits without needing to call them mum/dad.

fastdaytears · 22/06/2015 21:17

My last comment only applies where there's contact btw not for NRP who can't be arsed.
And when I said NRP I obviously meant RP. Hopeless.
I used to volunteer in a contact centre where contact was supported rather than supervised (we didn't have to listen to conversations) and RP would ask me to tell them if I heard their ex say anything bad about them to the kid. 1 hour contact with NRP vs a whole month with NRP...who's got the most opportunity to slag off their ex?

Aeroflotgirl · 22/06/2015 21:18

Hold I don't know her other posts and never read her Ithey op, I was just commenting on this one. I woukd therefore tell op, not to rush things, but that is difficult when she's already oregnant and planning to get married. She needs to slow down, and consider her dd in all this. In less than a year, there is a new man on the scene, new baby and wedding. Fuck her abusive ex, fir a little dd, this is a lot, as well as having to see her abusive dad.

CurbsideProphet · 22/06/2015 21:19

I'm not on a high horse. I didn't recognise the OP and thought people were being a bit unfair towards her. That's it!

wannaBe · 22/06/2015 21:19

Oh come on - advanced search is your friend.

This isn't about reporting threads - it's about a poster with a history who was posting in July of last year that she's been a single parent for two years and had just signed up to match.com.

She hasn't been with her partner for years - if we're supposed to take posters at face value then face value says that this poster has been active on the dating threads and declaring herself single less than a year ago.

Aeroflotgirl · 22/06/2015 21:21

I don't go on the dating threads, yes I have taken her at face value.

wannaBe · 22/06/2015 21:24

and it has nothing to do with calling the op a troll but everything to do with the op's judgement (or lack thereof).

bloodyteenagers · 22/06/2015 21:25

I also think the op needs to slow down and actually consider the needs of her dd.
To go from 11 months as single, to pregnant, living with another man and getting married is a lot in anyone's life. To put a child into that mix is immense and confusing.

bloodyteenagers · 22/06/2015 21:26

Ops posted too soon.
I would say the child may benefit
From councilling to help to come to terms with all the huge changes.

wannaBe · 22/06/2015 21:28

aeroflotgirl neither do I. But the fact is that it is written in black and white that the op was single in July of last year. it's a public forum. If people recognise that poster from other threads are they just supposed to ignore and think "oh, perhaps the op was mistaken that she was single?"

When you make such spectacularly bad decisions (and changing your child's name to someone else's whether you've been with that person for a year or three years is a spectacularly bad decision) and talk about them publically then people will challenge you on them, especially when you state that you have your dd's best interests at heart but your posts suggest otherwise.

Aeroflotgirl · 22/06/2015 21:28

I agree bloodteenagers

FujimotosElixir · 22/06/2015 22:05

i think you rushed into this 'new unit' far dsr too quick but i dont see why a 5 year old should be forced to go somewhere thats distressing her.

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