Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to stop contact?

125 replies

Missfishandchips · 22/06/2015 13:26

Please, I need advice...

I have a DD who is 5, and I split from her biological Dad when she was 2. EXDP was very emotionally abusive towards me, and DD suffered until he left.
EXDP wanted to keep in contact with DD and would see her for on average for about a 24 hour period a week which would include an overnight stay. DD's behaviour would always be terrible when she came back, and EXDP gives no input to parenting and would generally buy toys to in a sense buy DD's love.
Fast forward a few years, I am now in a brilliant relationship and expecting another baby (which DD is thrilled about), and my now DP has lived with us for about 10 months. Both DD and DP get on brilliantly, and DD has begun calling DP Dad (all of this has been of her own accord, not encouraged by me or DP).
In the meantime, DD has continued to see EXDP, but this has been very erratic on his part - changing dates, or cancelling. However, in March DD went for her usual overnight stay and I had to go and pick her up after an hour as she was hysterically crying that she didn't want to stop overnight with him. Eventually I got DD to tell me the reason (this took days), and she said that EXDP had really shouted at her, and she didn't know what she had done wrong. EXDP denied all knowledge.
Now DD refuses to sleep over with him (NB EXDP has/d DD at his Mum's house, as he refuses to tell me where he lives, he doesn't drive so if he wants to see DD I have to take her to meet him either at a pre arranged spot or his Mum's house), and is now down to seeing him for about 45 mins one afternoon after school and 6 hours on a Saturday. 8 times out of 10 DD says she never wants to go, unless EXDP is taking her shopping for toys unless crap that she doesn't need DD never wants to talk to him if he calls, and is generally very happy whenever EXDP isn't on the scene. Sometimes, DD will ask very strange questions such as 'Don't you love me?' (A classic EXDP line), or most recently 'Am I a boring little girl?' She will never tell me who says such things to her, but she will open up to DP, who then finds out that EXDP says these things to her and she's not to tell her Mum.
Now, DD saw EXDP on Thursday for their usual walk about Tesco for 45 mins, and when I picked her up she announced that she had bought 'Dad' (A name she hasn't used for him since way before my DP was on the scene) a Father's Day card. In short, he had bought himself a card (to my knowledge he's never done this before) and got her to write on it.
Saturday morning rolls around, and she's quite certain that she didn't want to go see him, so I let him know, he demanded to know why, and I just said that she didn't give me a reason (which she didn't). I then asked if he wanted to see her on Sunday instead (Fathers' Day), but I had no reply.
Yesterday DD was very excited to see if EXDP had opened her card, and asked if she could call him, so off she went (I put the phone on speaker so I can intervene if needed) and she asked if she could see him to which the reply was 'NO, I'm too busy. You didn't want to see me yesterday'. DD then asked him 4 times if he loved her, (I was trying to get her to end the conversation as she was getting upset) and then she began to cry and I mean a real heartbroken cry. Sad
I cuddled her for about half an hour afterwards and she was asking why doesn't he want to do things with me, he's always texting on his phone or shouts at me etc. Eventually I cheered her up, DP finished work and and we enjoyed the rest of the day without EXDP being mentioned.
I don't want DD to have anything to do with EXDP as I really don't think that he's good for DD. ABIU to ignore his calls and not to arrange the 6 hour 45 minute visits?
My DD is a very happy bright girl, who loves to sleep over at my parents and DP's parent's house, and she has lots of friends and loves school. Put her with EXDP and she becomes very unhappy and withdrawn.
Also, I forgot to add, DP and I get married next April, and DD's surname has been changed by deedpoll to DP's when it used to be EXDP. EXDP didn't fight to keep her name the same.
ABIU to tell the abusive C*NT to do one for the sake of my DD??

OP posts:
Midorichan · 22/06/2015 16:30

Unfortunately, you asked for advice on a public forum, and the public gave it. No one was laying into you, just giving the advice that you asked for. If you only wanted people to say they thought you should cut off all contact then that's what you should've asked for, not people's opinions.

SolitaryInTheVoid · 22/06/2015 16:34

"If you're not an emotionally abusive arsehole to your small children you wouldn't be - :/"

So just to clarify, everybody who is marginalized or denied contact with their children is emotionally abusive to small children?

What a spectacularly fucking stupid, broad-brush and unkind thing to say. Really there should be a special award for you or something.

wannaBe · 22/06/2015 16:37

But the op is being given advice on how to do things officially and she is choosing not to listen. Instead the op is upholding her relationship with her current dp and the fact that her dd calls him dad, in fact this was the starting point to her thread.

I just wonder, if the op wasn't in a relationship with someone else whether she would still be going down this route.

Because her current relationship is irrelevant in regard to her dd's relationship with her father.

The reason why the op is coming in for so much criticism on this thread is because she has essentially said that she wants to cut contact, after all, she has a new dp, her dd calls him dad and she's even changed her name to his after just ten months (or before that even), and that is in part being used as a justification for cutting contact with her ex.

MishMooshAndMogwai · 22/06/2015 16:43

Op I posted an almost identical thread the other day, I got flamed too.

I have no idea, still, why people are so quick to pounce on the op and defend the biological dad! ExDp Has treated dd and I like pieces of shit for the last 4 years and ignored her for over a year but STILL I was a manipulative bitch for letting dd call my Dp of over 3 years 'daddy' at her request- yes, her request, not mine! And considering telling him that I wouldn't allow overnight stays starting immediately when she doesn't know who he is!

Amazing.

Only you know the real situation, you know how it's effecting your dd and she is the most important one in all of this. Do things officially, keep records of all contact with him and keep being civil.

I would never force dd to stay in a house she wasn't comfortable in- ive seen the damage it can do first hand.

Stay strong and do what is right for your dd, not what's best for the adults in her life Flowers

sliceofsoup · 22/06/2015 16:44

Her parent should be allowed to call the shots in this scenario, to protect her child.

I agree. So she needs to do as other posters suggested and seek legal advice, or call social services for advice. But the decision to keep her DD away from her dad is not OPs decision to make.

Can I just add that I think it is disgraceful that her DDs name has been changed to OPs DPs name before they are even married. I mean, I don't agree with the name change at all personally, but before they are even married? Come on.

Original poster
Missfishandchips · 22/06/2015 16:48

Thank you MishMoosh, I really appreciate that you totally understand where i'm coming from. I've made an appointment to speak to a solicitor on Friday to see what I can do to protect my DD

OP posts:
GirlInterupted · 22/06/2015 16:53

You have been with dp less than a year!!!!! Yet your dad calls him dad and you've changed her name. You have gone way too fast. I really feel sorry for your dad :(

And I speak as a single mum of 3 who has been dating a man for nearly 2 years.

Jux · 22/06/2015 16:54

Op, I hope you're still reading. To answer your question about cutting contact. I would formalise contact in a lawyer's letter, one day a week he picks her up from school, takes her somewhere for a snack and brings her back to you for say 6pm. EOW he has her for say 6hrs on a Saturday possibly leading to overnight if their relationship improves.

You will find that you will want to have proper family weekends which include her, so handing her over for extended periods every single weekend will turn out to be a mistake, by which you will all lose.

It is never a good idea to completely cut contact on such slim grounds.

NinkyNonkers · 22/06/2015 16:55

Has the discrepancy in length of relationship been addressed yet?

WayneRooneysHair · 22/06/2015 16:55

Sorry OP but you are rushing into things.

I'd say slow the fuck down but it's too late for that.

CantBrainToday · 22/06/2015 16:56

This is the time to get courts involved. Gather whatever evidence you need to prove he is EA and ask for supervised contact. Do it right and do it legally. He may well drop all contact himself. If you just cut contact you will be ripped to shreds in court. Court law will likely stand until she's around 8 then I believe if necessary you can go back and the child can testify themselves if contact needs to be changed.

ollieplimsoles · 22/06/2015 16:57

Actually soup I did....my 'dad'

He was also critical of his own mother, who was the sweetest woman you could imagine.

He is a vile person, and vile people tend to say nasty things about nice people. At 6 and 4 we could see that.

formidable · 22/06/2015 17:01

Oh dear op has flounced Hmm

Just reading your update, I would be tempted to ask, if it's so bad, why have you been facilitating contact all this time? Has it suddenly got worse?

No matter what (except in extreme circs) it's actually not up to you to decide to stop contact. If you really think your ex is so bad, then see a lawyer and be prepared to go to court over access.

That's the right way to play this, not just stopping answering his calls.

You need to be the responsible adult here.

sliceofsoup · 22/06/2015 17:02

I am sorry that you had such a horrible father ollie but can't you see that there are two sides to the OPs story, and that the OP is not entirely faultless in all of this?

formidable · 22/06/2015 17:03

I wish everyone who presumes the relationship has been less than a year would RTFT.

ollieplimsoles · 22/06/2015 17:03

I didn't know the op's background with the new dp as a few posters do, I think less than a year is way too soon to be calling a new partner dad (and to have a baby with someone but that's another thread)

I still think that letting him have contact just because he 'has too' will harm the dd. But op should go the official route if she is concerned. Get advice for the sake of the dd in how her dad is with her.

wannaBe · 22/06/2015 17:04

Mish, I didn't see your thread but there is a vast difference between four years and ten months.

There is also a difference between an absent parent and a step parent with whom the children have established a relationship with over time and who they consider to be a father to them.

People do get sensitive over children calling a step parent mum or dad, partly because the idea of it reflects their own thoughts on how they would feel if it was their child calling someone else mum or dad, but also partly because often it is the parent who has encouraged this in some way.

It is clear that the op is incredibly impulsive here In less than a year she has met, moved in with and fallen pregnant by a man she barely knows, has changed her child's name to his (if it was her's it might be more understandable, but his? just no,) and is allowing her to call him dad. Come on, that shows a severe lack in judgement on the op's part. Regardless of whether the father of this child continues to have contact with her father, that doesn't take away from the fact that the op has made some incredibly ill thought out decisions with regard to her child.

SnapesCapes · 22/06/2015 17:04

It's easy to brand you a dreadful parent for allowing your DD to form a bond with your DP, and easy to assume the reason her Dad doesn't want contact is because you've pushed him out. I know first-hand how hard it is balancing what a child needs (a positive relationship with both parents) and what a child has (sometimes not-very-great parents). It's hard trying to balance an old family with a new one. Ex left when DS1 was 5 months old, and for the first few years he wasn't a great Dad. There were several moments when I seriously considered withholding all future contact. Fortunately now we're all in a much better place and he's a great Dad to DS1. But that bond between Ex and DS1 was never mine to break.

The one thing I will say is this; it is absolutely not your decision to stop contact. You might want to, and you might be doing it because you believe it's truly the right thing for your DD, but the only people with the authority to do so is a court. Please, go and see your solicitor on Friday, let it go through the official avenues and when your DD is older and asks why x, y and z happened, you can look her in the eye and tell her you gave her Father every opportunity to build a relationship with her, and he chose not to bother. Let him burn his own bridges, as he's done a pretty good job so far.

DreamingOfADifferentMe · 22/06/2015 17:07

Yikes, OP, you've really got both barrels here, and from my point of view, quite unnecessarily.

Your ex sounds an absolute nightmare - what father behaves that way to a vulnerable little girl? It's shocking and as a mother, I think you're quite right to want to do something to protect her from it.

As for cutting contact, I'm not sure you can but definitely get legal advice. I'd be doing all I could to do the same if my child were struggling in the way your DD obviously is.

For what it's worth, I've been in a similar situation in terms of a new relationship and my son was the one who made the decision to want to call my new partner Dad. We didn't allow it but could see why he wanted to do this. We came up with another name that meant my son had a special name for his soon-to-be stepdad, but didn't upset my ex, who incidentally, wasn't an ass like your ex, but a really good man.

I don't think for a moment that this is about loose ends being tied up, but about a mother trying to protect her unhappy, unsettled daughter, and I'm really saddened at the responses on here, unless there's more of a backstory than I'm aware of.

Good luck OP

hedgehogsdontbite · 22/06/2015 17:13

I wish everyone who presumes the relationship has been less than a year would RTFT.

Eh? People are presuming it precisely because they have read the thread. Have you? Did you not read the bit about the OP posting for dating advice and being single this time last year?

abitwrong123 · 22/06/2015 17:16

formidable the op was posting on the dating thread in June last year, so her current relationship is less than a year, her current partner must have moved in almost immediately.

theendoftheendoftheend · 22/06/2015 17:20

OP your account of your DD's phone call with her father is awful, I think you have every right to try and support your DD and protect her from further emotional abuse.
I completely agree with everything mishmoosh said.

hedgehogsdontbite · 22/06/2015 17:21

OP the reason you're not getting the advice you wanted is because of the question you asked.

Your question was not 'My ex is a twat. He's done x, y and z and the effect it's having on my dd is ... . AIBU to stop contact to protect my dd?'

Your question was 'I have a new partner, he's great. DD calls him dad. AIBU to cut contact with ex who's a bit of a twat?'

theendoftheendoftheend · 22/06/2015 17:28

To be fair Hedgehog that isn't how the OP came across to me

penguinsaresmall · 22/06/2015 17:28

Oh dear. Apparently op was on here last July saying that she was single and fancied having a go at dating so was going to join a dating site.

So 11 months on she has changed her dd's name to her new boyfriend's? I don't understand how that would even be allowed, but that's by the by.

I hope it all works out for the op, but I think the issue is protecting her dd from an abusive ex, not trying to find her dd a new daddy as quickly as she can Sad