AIBU to stop contact?

[Missfishandchips]

Please, I need advice...

I have a DD who is 5, and I split from her biological Dad when she was 2. EXDP was very emotionally abusive towards me, and DD suffered until he left.
EXDP wanted to keep in contact with DD and would see her for on average for about a 24 hour period a week which would include an overnight stay. DD's behaviour would always be terrible when she came back, and EXDP gives no input to parenting and would generally buy toys to in a sense buy DD's love.
Fast forward a few years, I am now in a brilliant relationship and expecting another baby (which DD is thrilled about), and my now DP has lived with us for about 10 months. Both DD and DP get on brilliantly, and DD has begun calling DP Dad (all of this has been of her own accord, not encouraged by me or DP).
In the meantime, DD has continued to see EXDP, but this has been very erratic on his part - changing dates, or cancelling. However, in March DD went for her usual overnight stay and I had to go and pick her up after an hour as she was hysterically crying that she didn't want to stop overnight with him. Eventually I got DD to tell me the reason (this took days), and she said that EXDP had really shouted at her, and she didn't know what she had done wrong. EXDP denied all knowledge.
Now DD refuses to sleep over with him (NB EXDP has/d DD at his Mum's house, as he refuses to tell me where he lives, he doesn't drive so if he wants to see DD I have to take her to meet him either at a pre arranged spot or his Mum's house), and is now down to seeing him for about 45 mins one afternoon after school and 6 hours on a Saturday. 8 times out of 10 DD says she never wants to go, unless EXDP is taking her shopping for toys unless crap that she doesn't need DD never wants to talk to him if he calls, and is generally very happy whenever EXDP isn't on the scene. Sometimes, DD will ask very strange questions such as 'Don't you love me?' (A classic EXDP line), or most recently 'Am I a boring little girl?' She will never tell me who says such things to her, but she will open up to DP, who then finds out that EXDP says these things to her and she's not to tell her Mum.
Now, DD saw EXDP on Thursday for their usual walk about Tesco for 45 mins, and when I picked her up she announced that she had bought 'Dad' (A name she hasn't used for him since way before my DP was on the scene) a Father's Day card. In short, he had bought himself a card (to my knowledge he's never done this before) and got her to write on it.
Saturday morning rolls around, and she's quite certain that she didn't want to go see him, so I let him know, he demanded to know why, and I just said that she didn't give me a reason (which she didn't). I then asked if he wanted to see her on Sunday instead (Fathers' Day), but I had no reply.
Yesterday DD was very excited to see if EXDP had opened her card, and asked if she could call him, so off she went (I put the phone on speaker so I can intervene if needed) and she asked if she could see him to which the reply was 'NO, I'm too busy. You didn't want to see me yesterday'. DD then asked him 4 times if he loved her, (I was trying to get her to end the conversation as she was getting upset) and then she began to cry and I mean a real heartbroken cry.
I cuddled her for about half an hour afterwards and she was asking why doesn't he want to do things with me, he's always texting on his phone or shouts at me etc. Eventually I cheered her up, DP finished work and and we enjoyed the rest of the day without EXDP being mentioned.
I don't want DD to have anything to do with EXDP as I really don't think that he's good for DD. ABIU to ignore his calls and not to arrange the 6 hour 45 minute visits?
My DD is a very happy bright girl, who loves to sleep over at my parents and DP's parent's house, and she has lots of friends and loves school. Put her with EXDP and she becomes very unhappy and withdrawn.
Also, I forgot to add, DP and I get married next April, and DD's surname has been changed by deedpoll to DP's when it used to be EXDP. EXDP didn't fight to keep her name the same.
ABIU to tell the abusive C*NT to do one for the sake of my DD??

A nice neat family unit with no loose ends. We should all be thankful we're not somebody's loose end :\

You've only been with him a short time and here he is acting 'daddy'?

You don't give her the choice to go or not! She's 5! If she didn't want to go to school or the dentist you would make her go. A relationship with her dad is very important and I have a feeling you've over egged this situation to get responses in your favour

Also. The name change. By deed poll? So your ex signed court forms to agree?

Ok, he's a twat but I don't think its right that your dd is calling your new partner dad, could you find something that she can use for your dp?

What about ex mum, would your dd like to spend time with her granny?

You can't ignore his calls. You need to keep on with the contact. It's weird she didn't want to go around Saturday but got so excited sunday - could she be picking up your negativity. I also do t think you should let her choose, you should have encouraged her to go Saturday.

five is far too young to be allowed to call the shots as to whether or not she wishes to see her dad.He may be EA, he may not be, tbh it sounds as if you are determined for them not to have a relationship and want your dp to replace him so you are your own unit, and are therefore happy to pander to your dd's crying when she is told off. And you should thank your lucky stars that your ex hasn't decided to take you to court because they would take a dim view of a parent withholding access because her daughter simply said she didn't want to go.

You need to sit down with your ex and sort out regular contact, including overnights, and she needs to learn that while she can tell you what's going on and there are no secrets, she cannot play you off against each other, which is exactly what she is doing atm. If you allow this at age five you are setting yourself up for massive issues when she is older.

And moving a man in and allowing your daughter to call him dad within ten months is highly inappropriate, regardless of whether or not he is currently good with her and you are expecting his child. You hardly know this man and already you're allowing your dd to call him dad? And no, I don't believe that this all came from her, but even if it did, it needs to be discouraged. As a five year old this child has far too much control here. Who exactly is the parent and who is the child?

For those that say that this man is a father to this child, no he isn't. He's been in her life for five minutes. There are no guarantees, and it sounds as if the op has very skewed boundaries when it comes to relationships. If he doesn't stay around what then? you end up with a confused child who has one father who her mother has enabled her not to see, and another who is no longer on the scene (there are no guarantees that if a relationship with this new man doesn't work out he will want to maintain a relationship with her dd).

So man who:
Ignored DD for 3 weeks when she had chicken pox and only wanted to know her again when she was ready to do something 'fun',
Who couldn't tell you what school she goes to because he couldn't be bothered to ask,
Who has introduced her to 3 new girlfriends in the past 2 years and cancels on DD when he'd rather see them than her,
Who tells DD she's fat and boring,
Who openly argues with his mum infront of DD and has been cautioned by the Police for assult against his Mum,
Who calls me if DD cries because he can't cope with her 'whining',
Who failed to take her to A&E with a massive burn on her that she apparently got from falling into a radiator,
Who won't even provide DD with a suitable place to go on her visits so she has to walk around town is a stand up smashing guy, and i'm the manipluative one?
Good God!

OP - has it been much longer than a year? The only reason I ask is that I'm sure I remember you posting a bit in the dating thread (I replied under an old username).

I understand the defensiveness about your relationship. It's amazing when you finally find someone to treat you and your daughter how you should be treated and even better when you have a baby on the way and feel like a solid family.

But really, in a relatively short space of time a lot has changed for you and your DD. Her bio dad might be crap, but unfortunately he can't be erased. If you have concerns about him emotionally abusing DD maybe you could contact children's services for a bit of advice? And in the interim suggest supervised contact to help your DD feel more secure and supported developing a relationship with her father?

If you stop all contact (trust me, I understand you wanting to do that) then it will be down to your ex to take things further via mediation and court. I know that family courts frown on contact being stopped except in extreme cases.

What did DD's dad think of her surname being changed? Was he quite amenable?

X post - sorry.

OP, I could write several pages of all the shitty things my ex has or hasn't done. I could list all the shit he says that I would rather he didn't, and all the ways in which his parenting differs to mine. It still wouldn't give me the right to stand between him and his child.

He can't cope with her because he isn't doing it enough to have developed his own strategies. But regardless of how shit he is, I agree with PPs, a 5 year old shouldn't be calling the shots.

It may be difficult to forge a relationship with a five year old if you only see them for a few hours a week, but I only saw my grandparents a few hours a week and we had a great relationship, because they were nice people, not emotionally abusive or selfish.

I too am interested in what the ex thinks of dd's surname being changed?

Did you pretend he was an absent father to get the namechange op?

EXDP has cut the amount of hours down.

He agreed straight away to the name change and I expected at least a little bit of reisitance on his part, but nothing came.

Yes but did you have someone who disliked your Grandparents colouring your view of them ollie? I would guess not.

5 year olds pick up on so much more than some people think, and from my personal experiences, parents don't realise the sheer power they have over their childs thoughts and feelings.

No i did not pretend his was an absent father, perhaps you would like me to post a copy of the consent letter that he wrote? Yes HE wrote, not I!!!

And many parents are selfish. SS won't remove your children because you are selfish.

bit of a drip feed there op?

look. if he's as EA as you say then do things officially. But you simply can't stop contact. And if you've changed her name without his knowledge then you're breaking the law. Or is this perhaps why you're afraid to make it official? iN case he finds out and you're forced to change it back?

The issue of your ex and your dp are two separate ones. As things stand, you are essentially saying "my dd has a lovely father in my dp to the extent she even calls him dad, therefore she doesn't need my xp who is essentially a twat." It doesn't work like that. If your dp stays around then he will continue to play a role in your dd's life, and that is not a bad thing. But he isn't her dad.

Deal with the contact through the courts. Seek supervised contact if need be. but that is separate from your relationship with your current dp and that is how it should stay.

And while introducing dd to three girlfriends within two years isn't ideal, moving a man in and having your child call him dad after ten months isn't model parent behavior either.

My advice would be to contact children's services with your concerns for DD's emotional wellbeing when with her dad. Start supervised contact, either a contact centre or with someone you trust to promote DD's best interests. See if EXDP sticks to the contact, set out clear expectations about contact and attending etc. and if not then at least you have tried.

If DD's father doesn't stick to the contact, doesn't apply for mediation or court etc. and doesn't bother himself further with DD, then maybe step-parent adoption is something you could look into in the future (when things are more settled) with the agreement of EXDP?

Are you the poster who was posting about being single last year?

Ok, he's had different girlfriends but you've shacked up and gotten pregnant with a ma in around a year!!!

Your ex is not a stand up guy but you're trying to replace him and justify it using his behaviour.

Just be careful. Your dd won't thank you for it when she's older.

I started this post as advice as to how I could help my DD.
Instead it's turned into a free for all against me. From this experience, I will never ever ask for advice from
Mumsnet again. Incidentally, everyone in RL in both mine and EXDPs families have all concluded that he is a bullying sod towards DP and they've suggested I cut contact. I'm signing off from this.

op I don't blame you at all for not wanting your ex to have contact if it's upsetting your dd - but unfortunately I don't think you have a hope in hell of stopping him if you tried to and he then took you to court.

Totwards DD that should read not DP

We should all be thankful we're not somebody's loose end

If you're not an emotionally abusive arsehole to your small children you wouldn't be - :/

five is far too young to be allowed to call the shots

True. Her parent should be allowed to call the shots in this scenario, to protect her child.

Never mind drip-feeding, it was clear from the OP that this guy is not cut out to be a father. Imagine your sister was dating a guy who behaved that way. It would be a clear-cut case of LTB. Why does a small child have to stay put and have her self-esteem chipped away just so her F gets his 'rights' to her time?

miss if you're still here - have you had any legal advice? I would say document everything he's said and done when he's had contact with dd and continue to do so - and get a solicitor.

People are giving you sound advice OP, they are telling you not to stop contact straight off, but to go down official channels who will investigate the EA claims.

Maybe he's cut down his contact due to hostility and being phased out..

Also, seems the contact is already supervised by his mum, so a contact centre would be useless

miss I just really think you should exercise caution, that's all.

You've rushed into a huge commitment with new dp and now you're trying to erase traces of your ex. I'm not saying that you shouldn't exercise caution with your ex and your dd but you sound very impulsive and you need to think of the bigger picture.