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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to stop contact?

125 replies

Missfishandchips · 22/06/2015 13:26

Please, I need advice...

I have a DD who is 5, and I split from her biological Dad when she was 2. EXDP was very emotionally abusive towards me, and DD suffered until he left.
EXDP wanted to keep in contact with DD and would see her for on average for about a 24 hour period a week which would include an overnight stay. DD's behaviour would always be terrible when she came back, and EXDP gives no input to parenting and would generally buy toys to in a sense buy DD's love.
Fast forward a few years, I am now in a brilliant relationship and expecting another baby (which DD is thrilled about), and my now DP has lived with us for about 10 months. Both DD and DP get on brilliantly, and DD has begun calling DP Dad (all of this has been of her own accord, not encouraged by me or DP).
In the meantime, DD has continued to see EXDP, but this has been very erratic on his part - changing dates, or cancelling. However, in March DD went for her usual overnight stay and I had to go and pick her up after an hour as she was hysterically crying that she didn't want to stop overnight with him. Eventually I got DD to tell me the reason (this took days), and she said that EXDP had really shouted at her, and she didn't know what she had done wrong. EXDP denied all knowledge.
Now DD refuses to sleep over with him (NB EXDP has/d DD at his Mum's house, as he refuses to tell me where he lives, he doesn't drive so if he wants to see DD I have to take her to meet him either at a pre arranged spot or his Mum's house), and is now down to seeing him for about 45 mins one afternoon after school and 6 hours on a Saturday. 8 times out of 10 DD says she never wants to go, unless EXDP is taking her shopping for toys unless crap that she doesn't need DD never wants to talk to him if he calls, and is generally very happy whenever EXDP isn't on the scene. Sometimes, DD will ask very strange questions such as 'Don't you love me?' (A classic EXDP line), or most recently 'Am I a boring little girl?' She will never tell me who says such things to her, but she will open up to DP, who then finds out that EXDP says these things to her and she's not to tell her Mum.
Now, DD saw EXDP on Thursday for their usual walk about Tesco for 45 mins, and when I picked her up she announced that she had bought 'Dad' (A name she hasn't used for him since way before my DP was on the scene) a Father's Day card. In short, he had bought himself a card (to my knowledge he's never done this before) and got her to write on it.
Saturday morning rolls around, and she's quite certain that she didn't want to go see him, so I let him know, he demanded to know why, and I just said that she didn't give me a reason (which she didn't). I then asked if he wanted to see her on Sunday instead (Fathers' Day), but I had no reply.
Yesterday DD was very excited to see if EXDP had opened her card, and asked if she could call him, so off she went (I put the phone on speaker so I can intervene if needed) and she asked if she could see him to which the reply was 'NO, I'm too busy. You didn't want to see me yesterday'. DD then asked him 4 times if he loved her, (I was trying to get her to end the conversation as she was getting upset) and then she began to cry and I mean a real heartbroken cry. Sad
I cuddled her for about half an hour afterwards and she was asking why doesn't he want to do things with me, he's always texting on his phone or shouts at me etc. Eventually I cheered her up, DP finished work and and we enjoyed the rest of the day without EXDP being mentioned.
I don't want DD to have anything to do with EXDP as I really don't think that he's good for DD. ABIU to ignore his calls and not to arrange the 6 hour 45 minute visits?
My DD is a very happy bright girl, who loves to sleep over at my parents and DP's parent's house, and she has lots of friends and loves school. Put her with EXDP and she becomes very unhappy and withdrawn.
Also, I forgot to add, DP and I get married next April, and DD's surname has been changed by deedpoll to DP's when it used to be EXDP. EXDP didn't fight to keep her name the same.
ABIU to tell the abusive C*NT to do one for the sake of my DD??

OP posts:
ollieplimsoles · 22/06/2015 17:30

Soup its ok, and i can see that.

I will admit that the ops post was a tad one sided then became very defensive about relationship with step dad.

I think sometimes maybe my own experience clouds my judgement slightly on these matters which is wrong.

wannaBe · 22/06/2015 17:35

agree with hedgehog that is exactly how I read the op as well.

As I've also said upthread, the new relationship is irrelevant here. If the ex is emotionally abusive to the dd then the op needs to go the official route to deal with that. but the op's impulsive actions e.g. changing her dd's name to her bf's name after a matter of months do IMO imply that the op does lack some judgement, which is perhaps why it is important that impartial people need to be involved here.

Oswin · 22/06/2015 17:47

Who the fuck says that sort of shit to a child? Sounds like a fucking prick. I think before you make any decisions you should see a solicitor.

GirlInterupted · 22/06/2015 17:49

What WannaBe said

coolaschmoola · 22/06/2015 17:50

Op I REALLY don't think you can complain about your ex introducing three gfs in two years when you met, moved in with, got pregnant by a man in under a year, then changed your dd's name to HIS and allowed your dd to call him DAD!

How will you feel if your dd decides to call her dad's next gf MUM in under a year?

Her name is part of her identity and you have changed it, not to yours, but to someone she has NO actual link to. You have unpegged her identity and latched it onto someone you aren't even married to.

I doubt very much that you thought your ex was a that when you met him, or you wouldn't have had dd in the first place.

I can't help wondering if that was a whirlwind relationship like this one? I hope you don't end up with the same result - what on earth would you do about dd's name then?!

She could end up on her third surname before she's into double digits FGS.

I'm astounded that you thought changing her name to your BOYFRIENDS name was a good idea. She won't thank you for it you know. Particularly when she's learning to go by another name later....

coolaschmoola · 22/06/2015 17:53

Also be aware that changing your dd's name to your dps name in under a year is going to make you look a bit weird if this does get to court. Like I said - I'm astounded that ANY parent would do that, particularly when it isn't EITHER of her actual parents names Shock. She has NO family name link now.

HoldYerWhist · 22/06/2015 18:14

What happens if your BF fucks off on you and your dd is stuck with his name?

Beth2511 · 22/06/2015 18:15

Bloody hell on the name change. Poor child! She needs stability all around not, being pulled back and forth by both parents. I'm convinced there is withheld info on this one.

PrimalLass · 22/06/2015 18:24

I think at 5 she's too young to be insisting on not seeing her father. At that age, I'd be making her go and doing a massively hard sell on how wonderful it will be.

I wasn't too young. Sometimes he was fun, but the scary bad-tempered times won, and I just didn't want to see him any more.

SoldierBear · 22/06/2015 18:34

The name change is very strange.
Why did you do that nearly a year before you are going to get married to DP? Anything could happen between now and then.

It sounds as if everything has been really rushed - new boyfriend, move in together, get pregnant, change DDs name, her calling him Daddy - all in under a year. Poor wee thing must be quite confused by it all.

AnyoneForTennis · 22/06/2015 19:12

Those saying see a solicitor.... A solicitor can only advise, no letter they write will be legally binding!

Also, if it went to court and requested supervised it would be quite apparent it already is supervised, by his mum. So the ex is likely to get what contact he asks for. A bit futile really

penguinsaresmall · 22/06/2015 19:23

I get the feeling op isn't coming back...

Aeroflotgirl · 22/06/2015 19:34

I am going to go against the grain here and say YANBU, you said he was EA to your dd, before your new partner came along. Her wanting to call him dad without any coercing says a lot, she is obviously looking for a father figure that she is not getting from her dad. The stuff that your ex is saying to her is absolutely shocking, it us manipulative and EA. How long can you subject your child to that kind of shit before it completely messes her up. I would definitely try limited contact, of a supervisory nature. If it continues, then I woukd cut contact, your dd deserves better than this man, sorry she does.

Aeroflotgirl · 22/06/2015 19:55

With regards to the name, it sounds as though op notified ex that she was going to change dd surname.

HoldYerWhist · 22/06/2015 20:06

With regards to the name, it sounds as though op notified ex that she was going to change dd surname

To that of a man who she has known a year and has moved her daughter in with and has encouraged her dd to call 'daddy'. You really think that's ok?!

youareallbonkers · 22/06/2015 20:11

You changed your child's name to that of your new partner? That's absolutely disgraceful, you should be ashamed of yourself! What are you going to do when this relationship ends? Change her name again? When the child is old enough to decide she could change it herself.

AnyoneForTennis · 22/06/2015 20:12

No, op won't be back. We are asking uncomfortable questions

Aeroflotgirl · 22/06/2015 20:22

Hold she did not encourage get dd to call her new parter daddy. Yes I agree it does seem very rushed, she should have waited some time.

Aeroflotgirl · 22/06/2015 20:23

Before changing her her dd name,

CurbsideProphet · 22/06/2015 20:37

Hold on. It was another poster who said the OP has been with her DP for less than one year. This is a clear example of people not reading the thread and making things up.

HoldYerWhist · 22/06/2015 20:44

No, Curb. Posters recognise her from a dating thread.

HoldYerWhist · 22/06/2015 20:45

she did not encourage get dd to call her new parter daddy

Honestly, I find that hard to believe.

SoundsLegit · 22/06/2015 20:47

Curbside - if you read the thread and the responses you'll see a lot of us know OP from being a regular on the dating board under a year ago until she met her current partner.

OP has not given any reply when asked about this. I suppose it could have been an open relationship before this? Meaning she could have been with her partner for more than a year, however OP presented herself as definitely single on the dating board so I'm taking what I see at face value.

CurbsideProphet · 22/06/2015 20:52

At 15:31 the OP said that she has been with her partner for longer than one year.

CurbsideProphet · 22/06/2015 20:54

I don't think AIBU is really the right place to ask advice for dealing with an emotionally abusive ex. I would say that Women's Aid/Solicitors are the right people to approach.

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