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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask DH not to eat all the food?

173 replies

CustardDragon · 19/06/2015 04:09

It's really beginning to grate on my nerves. DH is fairly overweight (think bmi of about 32) and constantly eats massive amounts. It has always annoyed me when we go out for dinner and I have regular amounts, like a main and a dessert, but he orders half the menu which makes it very expensive. What is most annoying though, is that he eats everything I get for myself as well. I don't really like the idea of 'my food' and 'his food', but because I have quite a restricted diet (vegetarian and can't have a lot of lactose either) and he eats everything, I have had to get stuff I can have for work lunches and stuff. But he eats it all.

This week, he ate all his meat stuff. Then he ate all the bread. And all the cheese. He puts two or three condiments in each sandwich (salad cream, mustard and ketchup, all together??).

Money is quite tight and I am getting fed up of having to buy expensive lunches at work because there is nothing left when I get up :(

OP posts:
BeaufortBelle · 19/06/2015 07:30

Could you just start eating outside the home, at least for a few weeks. I know it's expensive: a croissant on the way to work, lunch at work (or, could you buy yourself lunch things from a local supermarket and store at work), perhaps buy yourself dinner on the way home. Having said it might be expensive it might cost less than all the food he's eating.

Apart from that just put food that he needs in the fridge and tell him that's a week's worth of food. If he has to start topping it up, would that happen?

It's just struck me to ask where does all the yummy food come from? Do you buy it from your salary or is he working too? Do you have children and how do they fit into this dynamic?

I'm not sure if he's a greedy entitled so and so or if he has deeper rooted problems. If you have been together for a while, has this always been the case?

It would annoy me - I remember being annoyed when I had to put the children's lunch stuff in a plastic box with a lid and put it out of bounds.

Mypubesarestraight · 19/06/2015 07:38

My dp used to do this. So I stopped going food shopping.
I didn't see the point in spending all my money on food just for one person in the family to gorge himself with it.
He would eat non-stop leaving nothing for anyone else.

lem73 · 19/06/2015 07:45

He reminds me of my dh when we first got married and I have noticed his family have similar habits. Dh now watches his weight but will sometimes slip up and finish everything in the fridge. I do tell him because a) he will complain if he puts on weight and b)there are other people in the house who need to eat. You don't mention dc but it became really pissing off to go make packed lunches for the kids and find nothing in the fridge so I told him he needed to think of others. You need to tell him this and frankly I think he needs to see his gp about his weight.

ChuckBiscuits · 19/06/2015 07:53

What does he say when you say 'stop eating all the food'?

Crunchybadger · 19/06/2015 09:01

That sounds pretty grim.

You do most of the cooking and work FT? And you're a veggie but he refuses to eat veggie, so you have to cook him meat? He's being completely unreasonable just for that let alone the fridge monster stuff.

I would explain your position to him, then spend a week just cooking what you want to eat; if he complains simply indicate the kitchen.

If you're the one doing the shopping, i would also stick the week's food shopping receipt on the fridge.

Good luck!

GeekLove · 19/06/2015 09:25

Wrote a reply but lost it!
What exactly are you getting out of this relationship? He is obviously in the grips of an eating disorder but refuses to acknowledge it or get help. It will only get worse as his health goes and you will find yourself and your children tiptoeing round him, your happiness dependant on his moods.

Have you actually discussed the ramifications of his behaviour and the consequences it could have? His reaction to that will be the critical factor in determining whether you should remain married to him or not.

Remember:
You did not cause it
You cannot control it
You cannot cure it.

I think you should consider a life without him as a possibility. It is no life being only seen as secondary to someone else.

Marcipex · 19/06/2015 09:26

My diabetic ex started to do this, when I was working and would make a casserole or cottage pie and leave it in the fridge for next days dinner.

He would eat it all, mine, his and DDs share, at lunch time or even mid morning, plus multiple sandwiches, chocolate bars,and buy chips every time he went out.

He thought it was fine if at dinner time, DD and I only had toast left.

He compensated by giving himself higher and higher doses of insulin. (The clinic never noticed or commented on his massive insulin use)

The more he did this, the more he ate. His hunger seemed to increase, not decrease, with the huge meals.
I know you haven't said your partner is diabetic, but it sounds so similar. The greasier the better, adding cheese, wanting everything fried, not caring that there's no dinner for DD even, chips and chocolate as well, not instead of a meal..

SaucyJack · 19/06/2015 09:46

That's a good point about hunger increasing Marcipex.

It's my understanding that over-eating literally stretches out the stomach and makes it harder and harder to feel full. It's a viscous cycle.

Binge-eating isn't an problem that can be fixed over-night. And of course, he has to care enough about the impact on you to want to tackle it in the first place.

GeekLove · 19/06/2015 09:58

Note what Marciplex said about diabetic ex.
It is horrible to watch someone you love self-destruct. But it is up to you to hit the ejector seat otherwise they will take you with them.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 19/06/2015 10:11

You can't make him change or make him see that he has a problem. He has to come to those realisations himself.
On a practical level, can you get a mini fridge with a lock for your food? I don't see labels on a shelf making a difference. He knows he's eating all the food (with or without your name being stuck on it). He may have an eating disorder. He may be selfish. He could be both. You're not being unreasonable but you do have to decide how important this is to you and if you can live like this if he refuses to change.

MrsNextDoor · 19/06/2015 10:15

In your shoes OP I would insist on couples counseling as well as him going to the doctor about it and if he refused I would leave.

Behooven · 19/06/2015 10:17

He is a fat bastard isn't he, and seems happy for you to be miserable into the bargain. What a dick. And I do have a lot of experience of eating disorders but sometimes people are simply greedy.

yoursfan · 19/06/2015 10:26

What does he do for a living? Is he fairly active? A tiny individual pie and a salad would leave me starving and I'm a fairly sedentary woman. Where are the carbs? There likely isn't enough protein in an individual pie to sustain a grown man either. Men need more calories. If that's what he's getting for dinner, the man is eating crap because he's hungry!

That aside, has he had his thyroid checked? You don't have to be skinny to have an overactive thyroid and be starving all the time.

Perhaps it's easier to put your judgy pants on though, I don't know...:(

cedricsneer · 19/06/2015 10:36

So behooven, with all your experience it seems you can read this man's mind and diagnose him?

BathtimeFunkster · 19/06/2015 10:38

Where are the carbs in a pie?! Confused

Behooven · 19/06/2015 10:59

Nope, never claimed any of that cedric, just read the ops posts.

jabbsy · 19/06/2015 11:18

do no shopping/cooking, get rid of all the junk food that is left in the cupboards... then feign illness for a week and let him see how expensive it is, how boring it is, and how much hard work it is looking after someone else's needs before your own. You might go hungry a few days. The kids(?) Might be high on junk for a while.... but relinquish responsibility. See what happens.

The5DayChicken · 19/06/2015 11:24

I started a thread earlier in the week about my compulsive eating issues. Sadly, I've been too nervous to go back to it because I'm well aware that many here would simplify things and just call me a greedy fat bastard.

MN is a funny place. We make endless theoretical excuses for subjects of an OP who we know very little about, but God forbid anyone over eats.

whois · 19/06/2015 11:25

I don't think it really matters if he has an ED or if he is just a selfish greedy bastard. When someone is in the depths of n ED, and not recognising they have an issue or seeking help then their behaviour is terrible. Just like an alcoholic or whatever, their addiction comes above everything. I wouldn't and couldn't live with someone like that.

In your place OP I would draw a red line. He has to get medical help to control his eating, and he has to fully enhance in couples coinciding to try and reduce his selfish prick behaviour, and he has to become a nice person to live with.

If that didn't happen, I would be out of there.

RubbishRobotFromTheDawnOfTime · 19/06/2015 11:40

*What does he do for a living? Is he fairly active? A tiny individual pie and a salad would leave me starving and I'm a fairly sedentary woman. Where are the carbs? There likely isn't enough protein in an individual pie to sustain a grown man either. Men need more calories. If that's what he's getting for dinner, the man is eating crap because he's hungry!

That aside, has he had his thyroid checked?*

yoursfan it sounds like you are talking about a child. An adult should not rely on another adult to feed him. If what the OP cooks isn't what he wants, he needs to cater for himself. He makes unhealthy choices, entirely up to him. She's doing all she can to support him by the sound of it. It's a crap situation for you OP and I think that separating may be the only option.

I'm surprised his BMI is only 32 if he really eats like that though!

jabbsy · 19/06/2015 11:46

Jesus, again with the 'end the relationship'.... what is it with that being the answer to every issue???

RubbishRobotFromTheDawnOfTime · 19/06/2015 11:54

the5daychicken I would be surprised if you got unsupportive responses. The OP's DH has no interest in alleviating the situation and apparently does not acknowledge a problem. Totally different. I say this as someone with weight/overeating issues myself. My DH would be entirely justified in being unhappy with me if I lived like that and refused to seek help or try to change my lifestyle.

RubbishRobotFromTheDawnOfTime · 19/06/2015 11:56

Answer to every issue? We are talking about just this issue, jabbsy. What do you think the OP should do? Learn to like her situation?

ImperialBlether · 19/06/2015 12:01

You'd stay with any relationship, regardless, would you, jabbsy?

SaucyJack · 19/06/2015 12:02

"I don't think it really matters if he has an ED or if he is just a selfish greedy bastard."

I would go one further and say there isn't actually a difference. Compulsive and/or binge-eating are eating disorders in and of themselves- regardless of the motivations behind them.

If one cannot have food in the house without eating or obsessing about it- that's an eating disorder IMO.