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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this is rude:

118 replies

BlueRedGreenPurple · 17/06/2015 21:13

If someone who doesn't involve you in their child's life (like birthdays and other things) and doesnt take interest in your children's life either (doesn't acknowledge birthdays), phones you and tells you to make a cake for a big event their child is taking part in because her whole family will be there and they need a big cake. Then they give you instructions on what kind of cake they want. No invite or comments such as "we'd like you to be there too".

Isn't this incredibly rude?

OP posts:

BrockAuLit · 18/06/2015 01:50

Am I right in thinking this isn't the first time your SIL has done this to you? And each time you hate it?

I think you're intimidated by her, and don't have the guts to behave to her face the way you actually feel about her. The problem is far deeper than a cake.

FenellaFellorick · 18/06/2015 07:08

Of course you can get out of it.

You just can't get out of it in a way that has no consequences.

You could have said no. No I'm not doing that. No, I don't like the fact that you exclude me from events. No, how dare you be so cheeky when I'm not good enough to spend time with...

All of those things could have been said by you. It is not that you do not have the ability to say them.

It is that you assess your situation and you would rather accept the treatment and keep the peace than say how you feel and deal with the tantrums and fallout.

You're allowed to make that choice! It's your life and you have to make the choices that are in your best interests.

But don't tell yourself that it isn't possible to do it another way. It is. You choose not to.

When you accept that it is your choice, you can even feel better and more in control of what's happening.

Maybe one day you will feel that you want to choose to say something to her and that's ok too.

YouTheCat · 18/06/2015 07:16

You've said you'll do it now so you're just going to have to get on with it.

You need to practise saying no.

yearofthegoat · 18/06/2015 07:33

She is the partner of your brother- if you don't want to speak to her then talk to your brother.

Tell him you will do this cake as you've agreed to it but you are seriously fed up. Point out that he and SIL make no effort for you yet expect you to dance attendance. He probably hasn't a clue.

He must tell his partner not to ask you for anything again as you will refuse.

Silvercatowner · 18/06/2015 07:35

Only on MN. The world that I inhabit does not include random people phoning up with random requests that you say 'yes' to. It's bizarre - just say 'no', or laugh hysterically at the weirdness.

Fabellini · 18/06/2015 07:39

In answer to the original op.....it is rude. Of course it is. But more fool you for agreeing to it. You're being taken for a mug, and will continue to be taken for a mug until such time as you develop some kind of backbone.

enviro300 · 18/06/2015 07:48

I'd put the ingredients in my car and drop them back to her, while pointing out that I don't fucking like being guilt tripped into unpaid work. My Glaswegian family find the direct sweary approach works quite effectively

ememem84 · 18/06/2015 07:56

Charge her for the cake. £100 should do it. Taking into account inconvenience, rudeness, electric, time, number of people it's for and of course delivery to the event

I can't believe she breast fed your child...

Agree with pp you should go to some kind of assertiveness training. No way would I let someone do that to me.

ChasedByBees · 18/06/2015 08:01

You can absolutely still say no. If she needs a cake she needs ingredients so there's no problem that she's bought these.

Why can't she make it?

Sgtmajormummy · 18/06/2015 08:14

I would estimate the price of the ingredients, keep them and buy a (£5?) ready made cake. When she comes round for it, say "I was busy taking care of Auntie X, but I didn't want your daughter to miss out. Have a great party without me!"

DeladionInch · 18/06/2015 08:15

Bake the cake. Bake a really nice cake.

Give it to her minus a slice for each of your family plus sick relative.

Balaboosta · 18/06/2015 08:44

You are having a massive problem with assertiveness here OP. Course you can "get out of it"- just don't do it. "Feel guilty if I dont" - all of us here will happily help you get a grip!

DuchessofNorks · 18/06/2015 10:46

OP, did you write a post about her BFing your baby? Because I think I remember that.

Why are you still engaging with this woman at all???

ghall54 · 18/06/2015 11:05

I emphasise with you completely, it's very hard to say No to certain people in your life even when you are kicking yourself inside.

I currently have the same situation with DM, and am agonising constantly about how to have a certain conversation or whether to have it at all (as I don't feel I can emotionally deal with the fall out)

Agree with other posters that you need to deal with the underlying issue of assertiveness, otherwise you will stay in this cycle.

debbriana · 18/06/2015 11:06

Please do not make the cake

nancy75 · 18/06/2015 11:09

ring the sil, say somethings come up, I can't make the cake, I will drop the ingredients round and you can do it yourself

nancy75 · 18/06/2015 11:09

actually don't phone - text and then you can't be drawn in to a conversation

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 18/06/2015 11:15

"Why in the everliving symphony of pissing cocktrumpets have you said yes?"

Knowsaymuhfuh- this phrase wins MN today, imo!!

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