I've gone on strike!

[AoifeBell]

My bf always asks me to wash his work clothes at ridiculous hours. The other night it was 12am I

Yes, a horrible shock

And whatever the age, nobody is ready to lose their dad

Oh god this sounds just like my flatmate years ago. Every night she would come home from work and immediately start cooking. When dinner was nearly ready her boyfriend would turn up - sit in the comfiest chair, put his feet up on a stool and she would then remove his work boots and massage his feet. Then she served up one meal on a plate, put it on a tray which she then placed on his lap. Any food remaining, ie meat, veg, potatoes, gravy etc was thrown into one saucepan from which she ate her meal, standing up.

I hope to god that woman found MN and LTB straight afterwards. How downtrodden was she to act like that.

Potatoe I think you've got it spot on! I will broach the subject but I've never brought his mum on conversation so not sure how it will go. I do love him and he does have good points Im hoping that he just needs "training " how long did your dh take?

"Bitty situation" grim

It's pronounced Ee-fa, Imperial

Yes to training... long slog ... work in progress ... you`re doing the right things ...saying NO.... always thing of him as a friend ...would Sally walk in demanding you stay up and dry her clothes .... no. Would Sally huff if you made dinner and no pudding ... no ... would Sally ask you to take her shoes off. ... errr

Training is for dogs.

I don't understand why you're smiling and laughing about your situation. It's grim.

The thought of having to "train" my life partner mkes me heart sink to my boots and my fanjo heal over permanently

The most man training I'm prepared to do is to persuade them that Hawaiian shirts are never a good style choice.

"Not educated yet"?? The man is 24.

Aoife

It really didn't take long at all, it really was just a matter of weeks and sticking to your principles. If he moans carry on being strong just as you are doing atm. Tell him how much you love him and how you want your future to be good together but this is something you need to get through together. Make him see it isn't normal for him to have you as a skivvy.
By doing it together you are setting a precedence for your future as I'm sure you aren't perfect and will need his support in some direction as your relationship grows. For all this though, I wouldn't have stayed if there wasn't any improvement as much as I'd fallen in love with him. Give yourself/him a deadline and stick to it.
I can't believe i answered a bell when he was ill.
He's a really great dh and does far more around the home than any man I know. I'm a sahm and don't do half as much as he does.
You know when you have found somebody who is right for you and all those who think he's bad can't have a perfect man and if they do, how bloody boring is that
unfortunately some men aren't lucky enough to have had loving parents, those who encourage team work through doing their share of domestics. Some don't even know that these things need doing because they have been neglected, nobody did the jobs.
I do believe that some people, not only men need educating/ training in the art of looking after themselves.

'"Not educated yet"?? The man is 24.'

And they have been together for 10 months.

But, hey, he just needs a little obedience training and few . Haahaa. It's such a funny situation, eh?

That is such a depressing opinion about men.

Aoife, who on earth set you the example of what women should be like in a relationship?? There are actually no words for how he treats you.
Did you never hope to end up with a man who actually treated you as his equal, rather than a poorly trained dog?
I don't even know you but I'm pretty certain you deserve better.

What happens if he's not 'trainable' OP? When do you stop trying? When do you realise you can't change people and if you need to then they aren't the person you've fallen for anyway?

This is an adult who slams doors and huffs and puffs because you told him you weren't going to stay up to put his work clothes in the dryer, who slammed doors and stropped when he had to get his own dessert, who pretends not to be able to work a washing machine so you will wash his kit.

But hey, how boring not to have a man who treats you with respect and whom you don't have to train up like a naughty puppy

Seriously? The only time I have ever removed DP's footwear was when a new pair of wellies managed to vacuum-suction themselves to his feet and he had to lie horizontally on the floor, holding onto the doorframe while I braced myself and pulled.

And he was grateful afterwards.

Well, I'm glad I stuck with mine expat he has more than made up for that first few weeks when we first moved in together.
I couldn't ask for better tbh and have no regrets whatsoever.

As to those who say you can't change somebody, of course you can't. you point them in the right direction and they do it for themselves or not.
I didn't want to give up at the first hurdle because I loved him and like the OP could see the good in him.
If the poor man hasn't been raised properly it isn't his fault and I hope all the parents on here are doing their job to raise their sons properly.
Also, don't forget that the majority of these things were done by the women the mums. Men in the past were not to great at teaching their sons how to be practical domestically, nor about how to respect women.
I think it's such a shame there are men like the OPs bf and my dh who weren't brought up by their mums and taught right from wrong and even sadder that so many women wouldn't give them the time of day.
I hope you are ok OP and that your bf comes through for you
I do stand by what I said though, give yourself a deadline to see improvement. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.

I have taken my partners shoes off, we might have been role playing at the time...

I have no objection to you having to "train" him if your partner couldn't cook and you were teaching him that nobody would be raising an eyebrow, housework is just a skill that needs learning.

It is all the sulking/huffing that is worrying, that really does show a lack of respect.

If the poor man hasn't been raised properly it isn't his fault and I hope all the parents on here are doing their job to raise their sons properly.

by all the threads i see where the kids/partners do bugger all "because they are kids and should be playing how dare you ask them to clear the table/load the dishwasher/ do their own washing", no they are not, there are loads of girls and boys growing up the same, watching mum do EVERYTHING.

Morethan, it's a bit different for you- you didn't stand for your DPs crappiness, you gave him the choice to change or wouldn't have stood for it. The OP has stood for this a while so getting him to change may well be a lost cause since he doesn't seem to want too.

The poor man is an adult, not a child and should be aware enough to know that he's being lazy and disrespectful. Tantruming like a child by huffing and puffing doesn't make him look amenable to change or doing his fair share.

'I think it's such a shame there are men like the OPs bf and my dh who weren't brought up by their mums and taught right from wrong and even sadder that so many women wouldn't give them the time of day.'

I think it's a shame when an adult doesn't take the initiative to learn and educate himself or herself to function as a responsible adult, to respect his/her partner and expect someone else to teach them how to behave appropriately in a relationship.

So yes, I teach my children not to put up with such a person or give someone like this the time of day because it shows inherent laziness and irresponsibility, something that is never an attractive trait for a long-term relationship.

My mil did everything for my husband as he was growing up (and she'd still do his washing if given the chance). He has never once huffed and puffed about doing his fair share and didn't need training. This is because he is a person with his own brain in his head and he knows what is reasonable.

ox

I was tempted to post this myself, as there is a thread now about this.
After going through this with dh I was determined our sons weren't going to be raised the same and made sure they were learning independance from an early age. They are never too young.

Yeah - I wouldn't be chosing a man that huffed and puffed at for not doing his washing or expecting me to remove his shoes.

That is nuts.

expat

I do agree with you, but in the case of my dh and more than likely the OP's dh they don't know any different and don't see anything wrong with their behaviour.
It is sad and I'm sure that if people back then knew what my dh was like they'd have said similar to people on this thread, but surely you give a person the chance.
I even said myself that the OP shouldn't put up with it unless there were improvements, but I believe in giving people the chance.
The OP said herself she hasn't spoken to him about his upbringing and I would advise her to do this and talk about their future and moving forward from this unbalanced situation.