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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu to feel hurt by this? DM had a birthday recently - extended family invited

26 replies

NoahVale · 16/06/2015 08:22

including me and mine.
however the evening before they met for a meal, she told me a few days beforehand, but said she hadnt mentioned it as we might not be able to afford it.
in the end i really wanted to go, just to prove something.
but being such short notice my dc couldnt come - we Could have gone

quite peeved about this attitude.

OP posts:
AlternativeTentacles · 16/06/2015 08:40

I don't understand!

You knew but couldn't go anyway because your kids couldn't come? So it's not her fault?

Original poster
NoahVale · 16/06/2015 08:46

they had to be picked up so we wouldnt have made it Sad

OP posts:
hibbledibble · 16/06/2015 08:49

She told everyone else before you and planned not to tell you?

If it is because of cost, she should have picked somewhere that everyone can afford. Surely having family there is more important than fancy food?

Original poster
NoahVale · 16/06/2015 08:51

a particular member of the family wanted this, but the fact that we werent told til very close to the event jarred with me
if we had known we could have made arrangements, we could in fact have said no, but am hurt that we werent even invited. we were told we wouldnt be able to afford it

OP posts:
MissPenelopeLumawoo2 · 16/06/2015 08:53

So she did not ask you because she assumed you could not come /could not afford it? I think that is not on actually, she should have invited you, it is then up to you to say if you can't come or not. It is not a nice feeling to be excluded like that, especially when this is your own family!!!

TwinkieTwinkle · 16/06/2015 08:54

I can totally understand why you are hurt but I can also understand why perhaps your mum might have thought she was perhaps saving you embarrassment for declining? Sucky situation though, Sad

Original poster
NoahVale · 16/06/2015 08:55

Exactly,
it is not a nice feeling, being second best/black sheep, or whatever you call it.

OP posts:
Original poster
NoahVale · 16/06/2015 08:56

We could have used the DC as an excuse if we needed an excuse.

OP posts:
Delilahfandango · 16/06/2015 08:57

I've had similar with family - not DM but close family, for the "didn't think you could afford it" reason. It hurts like hell! And I'll be the judge of what I can and can't afford!Angry Flowers to you.

Original poster
NoahVale · 16/06/2015 08:57

thanks Delilah Thanks

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Delilahfandango · 16/06/2015 08:58

That's angry face for them and flowers for you btw!!

Original poster
NoahVale · 16/06/2015 08:58

I guessed that Grin

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GloriousGoosebumps · 16/06/2015 08:59

So was your mother attempting to be considerate albeit in a very clack-handed way or didn't she want you at her birthday meal? Is she embarrassed that you're not as wealthy as the rest of the family? If so, she has her values all wrong. In your mother's shoes, I'd have wanted all my children to be there and I'd have covered your meals if cost was an issue. Although you say it was too short notice for your children to attend, did you manage to make it?

Original poster
NoahVale · 16/06/2015 09:00

no we didnt make it because we didnt feel welcome glorious.

OP posts:
Original poster
NoahVale · 16/06/2015 09:01

we could have made it if DC had cancelled their plans/jobs but given the short notice, lack of enthusiasm they didnt/wouldnt

OP posts:
meercat23 · 16/06/2015 09:02

That's not nice. If they thought not everyone could afford they could have picked somewhere to suit everyone. Not surprised you are hurt

Original poster
NoahVale · 16/06/2015 09:19

I guess money is not object to the person that suggested it.

OP posts:
Original poster
NoahVale · 16/06/2015 09:19

no

OP posts:
Micah · 16/06/2015 09:29

Yep we've had this, not invited because of the assumption we don't have baby sitters or something.

Far politer to invite, and let the invitee decide they can't afford it/get a babysitter, surely. There's been a few events we would have made an effort for, but two days before being told "oh we didn't mention it because we knew ......-insert assumption-", hardly gives us time to save or make arrangements.

Idiots.

DoJo · 16/06/2015 09:39

Which extended family members were at the meal? Is it possible that she just wanted a meal with them before the big celebration which you were invited to, but then felt bad and mentioned it to you?

Original poster
NoahVale · 16/06/2015 09:41

all members, so I doubt, well I cant imagine, being excluded for that reason

OP posts:
RunnerHasbeen · 16/06/2015 09:41

Do you live nearby and see her often and did other people travel far to come? I think if some of the family were visiting and she doesn't see them often then it is fairly normal to go out with just them. She had planned to see you all the next day. If this is not the case, it's okay to feel hurt, mention it briefly to your mum but then move on - this only becomes a big deal if it happens over and over.

Original poster
NoahVale · 16/06/2015 09:55

familiarity breeds contempt I guess.
she did harp on mention the meal but I said I had to go,
conversation over.

OP posts:
DoJo · 16/06/2015 11:19

I was thinking along the same lines as Runner - if there were people there that she hadn't seen for a while and waned to catch up with in a smaller group, then I could understand her wanting to minimise the number of people at the meal. Children can be quite distracting and can change the feel of a meal if the older members want to reminisce, so perhaps this was the reason. If you are going to feel snubbed though, I think it would be better to bring it up with your mum calmly and just ask her to invite you to these kinds of events rather than taking the decision out of your hands.

Original poster
NoahVale · 16/06/2015 12:40

well my children are actually teens, and the family are my family too, some of whom I hadnt seen for more than 20 years Sad

i am not going to raise it again with her, now I have put it out here I feel better,
thansk for your kind words

OP posts: