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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Calling DP 'hubby' when not married?

661 replies

stqueen · 15/06/2015 22:21

This is winding me up far more than it should be. I have a friend (actually one of my oldest friends who is lovely) who refers to her DP, in person & on social media, as her 'hubby' or 'hubs'. FB status posted at the weekend referring to her 'lovely hubby'. They are not married & never have been ! Many couples consciously choose not to marry & it isn't a big deal these days simply to have a long term DP. They have 2 children together so I suppose she feels married but I feel it makes a mockery out of those who ARE married! I have asked her why she does it, she simply says she feels married & he is her DH in all but a marriage certificate. As I said, this is winding me up far more than it should be, perhaps I have too much time on my hands noticing these things but she's done it for years & its really starting to get on my nerves! AIBU?

OP posts:

mileend2bermondsey · 16/06/2015 00:12

Marriage is supposed to be a romantic thing
What makes you think that? Its only become a romantic thing in the last 100 years or so. Historically marriage was the union of two families, an event to declare that the father had 'given away' his daughter to another family. It was basically trading commodoties, romantic love didnt really come in to it.

BertrandRussell · 16/06/2015 00:14

You may find this hard to believe, but there are those of us who are actively choosing to be unmarried....

TooOldForGlitter · 16/06/2015 00:15

Balls to marriage being romantic. Marriage was palming daughters off in exchange for something. Fuck all to do with romance! You didn't give up your birth name for romance, you have it up to denote ownership.

TooOldForGlitter · 16/06/2015 00:15

Grrr *gave

HoldYerWhist · 16/06/2015 00:16

You may find this hard to believe, but there are those of us who areactively choosingto be unmarried....

But the thread is about referring to yourself as married when you're not. It's not about how amazing being married is.

TooOldForGlitter · 16/06/2015 00:18

also unmarried through choice.

My boyfriend is nearly 51 and we've been together for 11 years.

Fluffyears · 16/06/2015 00:21

I had a woman at work say sneeringly 'you're not even a wife!' I never claimed I was but wonder how she can think that her bit of paper makes her relationship any more valid than mine. We haven't got enough money to get married, we're happy together and the only change I could see would be my name (yes I would change). She's all over social media tagging her husband saying how wonderful he is etc....he's yet to do same or respond.

Aussiemum78 · 16/06/2015 00:29

I use the term husband (and use his surname), usually just for things to do with DD.

If I say partner all the nitwits get confused that my 13 year old is his daughter and not a step daughter and I must be divorced because I use my maiden name. It's just more than some simple people can cope with.

ggggllll · 16/06/2015 00:35

For instance, OH and I are married in the eyes of God. We do not have a state marriage in the UK, but then the UK state being the arbiter of what marriage is, is frankly amusing.

I think people who consider marriage to be a "romantic" thing or even a "romantic declaration of love" are a bit confused - I think it's misconceptions like that which lay foundations, I think, for some portion of those very high divorce rates.

olgaga · 16/06/2015 00:37

Marriage is not "just a piece of paper", especially if you have children.

Unless you're the higher earner and financially independent!

Aussiemum78 · 16/06/2015 00:41

Effectively married - when everything you own is held jointly, including houses and debt and wills, you have children and have been together 16 years. Legally (in Australia anyway) we are effectively married and are treated as so in separation of children and assets, welfare, tax and everything else. We have no fault divorce here so married couples can part by signing a form (they don't have to provide grounds like adultery).

So the legal difference is one extra signature. Wow what commitment.

5madthings · 16/06/2015 00:42

Does it really bloody matter how any one else.chooses to define/name.their relationship.ship.

Dp and I have been together over 17yrs, other people often referred to him as my husband and I plus correct them and say he was my partner, we did actually get married last month, had a fabulous day and we now have a marriage certificate that I havent actually taken put of the envelope that the registry office gave it to us in...

I still call him dp unless I stop and correct myself. We had sorted out the legalities without being married, wills, insurances etc but marriage does give us more legal protection, and for us it was a fun day to celebrate with family and friends, seventeen years and five kids when I suspect many thought we would split up is pretty good I think. It was about celebrating our relationship ship and the amazing kids we have. It was a day for all of us. But in reality fuck all has changed. We wear rings but I have kept my name, dh has his. The kids are double barrelled though we'd now get to re register them so they are officially de bastardised...

AcrossthePond55 · 16/06/2015 00:43

"Across the Pond that's a lovely story but the taxman wouldn't have agreed had their estates been liable to inheritance tax, next of kin status wouldn't have been automatic for medical purposes etc etc."

I realize that, littlebear. My point is that there are unmarried people who are 'married' in their hearts and actions. And there are married people who certainly don't act 'married' (cheaters, abusers, etc). Which of those two are more deserving of the title 'husband' or 'wife'?

BringMeTea · 16/06/2015 00:53

You could just post 'Mazel Tov! When did you guys get married?' That would be brilliantly PA. I do find it very odd personally but I am quite black and white about stuff. Nothing to do with the value of married v not married.

olgaga · 16/06/2015 01:04

Aussie yes the law where you are is different with regard to cohabitation. Here, cohabiting couples do not have the same rights as married.

Obviously joint mortgages and debts are contractual issues. Arrangements for children are in their best interests whether married or not.

But here, if you are married and then divorce, the settlement will take into account the parties' contribution to the marriage, and award shares according to circumstances. There are also next of kin issues, plus pensions and contributory benefits are not available to cohabiting spouses.

ChwatFeechers · 16/06/2015 01:04

'Mazel Tov! When did you guys get married?'

I'd just answer ''Ages ago!'' and see how willing she was to make herself appear ridiculous by asking for a photograph or to view the much vaunted certificate.

ggggllll · 16/06/2015 01:12

I wish people could see how ridiculous they look when they start talking about whether you are married to your OH, though.

We have had this from some kids after they got married. They were a few months in and having problems staying loyal to each other, and speaking to a couple with lots of babies and a life together for years.

We will probably never be married in the eyes of the state and are happy with that.

TooOldForGlitter · 16/06/2015 01:14

I can't believe that in 2015 it seems to matter so much whether or not two random people have a piece of paper or not. The idea that calling yourself a wife is in some way superior is laughable.

olgaga · 16/06/2015 01:22

Look at the legal protection marriage offers.

I can't believe that in 2015, literate and otherwise sensible women still think marriage is just a piece of paper.

The only time it's sensible not to marry is if you're the higher earner with independent assets.

MitzyLeFrouf · 16/06/2015 01:42

I presume the 'piece of paper' comments mean that a married couple don't necessarily have deeper feelings for one another or a more meaningful relationship than a cohabiting couple rather than being a reference to the legal benefits of marriage v cohabiting.

Canyouforgiveher · 16/06/2015 01:48

Maybe she's a transwife? :)

I wouldn't care what anyone called themselves or whether anyone was married or not.

I would like everyone to be very aware of the legal rights and obligations, especially with respect to finances, that go with being married and not being married. lots of threads on here making it clear.

I am married but I don't understand the feeling proud bit. I feel lucky I have the partner I do but why would I be proud of being married?

KingJoffreyLikesJaffaCakes · 16/06/2015 03:06

What makes you think that? Its only become a romantic thing in the last 100 years or so.

Yes. That's quite a long time...

musicalendorphins2 · 16/06/2015 04:08

Every time she refers to him as husband, congratulate her, and asked when they made it legal? ( joking)

BertrandRussell · 16/06/2015 06:51

"My point is that there are unmarried people who are 'married' in their hearts and actions."

What on earth does that mean?

Shockers · 16/06/2015 07:05

Isn't there a common law thing if you've lived together for over 2 years?

I had to hide an old acquaintance on fb, who suddenly met up with an old flame, moved him in (her husband was still there, but soon left ) , then changed her surname and the names of her children to his surname... and told them to call him dad.

I have to admit to feeling uncomfortable with seeing that on her status updates...

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