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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think FIL is being selfish?

32 replies

Stripysecrets · 15/06/2015 21:26

FIL needs cataracts surgery. He has been offered it at a fantastic eye hospital very quickly and on the NHS.
He has decided he wants to pay for a certain type of lens in his eyes to give him perfect vision. (He currently wears glasses).
They have told him if he wants to do this, he will have to have the ehe thing privately and will be over £3000 plus consultation fees etc.

Him and MIL have no money and he would have to get our a credit card for this.

AIBU for thinking he is selfish to consider paying when he can get it for free? Mil has asked him not to as the cost is so huge.
He said he doesn't have any issue wearing glasses but would like to experience 'perfect vision'.l without glasses. If there was no cost implication involved I would say go for it but there is a big one he can't afford. Due to other complications with his health that affect his eyes it may not be effective anyway and to pay for something like that baffles me. Confused

MIL is asking is to talk sense into FIL and I don't really know what to say apart from 'don't pay for it'.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Stripysecrets · 15/06/2015 21:26

Out not our*

OP posts:
Original poster
Stripysecrets · 15/06/2015 21:27

Us* sorry for all the spelling errors tonight Blush

OP posts:
StoppingByTheWoods · 15/06/2015 21:28

Seems selfish if they don't have the money and if he is ok with glasses

Sparkletastic · 15/06/2015 21:29

I'd say MIL needs to fight her own battles and you need to express your opinion to FIL only if asked by him

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 15/06/2015 21:29

I think you are right, but it is for them to sort out (between MIL and FIL).

FriendofX · 15/06/2015 21:30

Mmmm. I would stay out of this one. I know it is stressful but you really can't involve yourself in this unless it is a question of them being driven into serious debt. £3K is not serious debt if he can meet repayments.

CaptainAnkles · 15/06/2015 21:30

It's his own decision of course, but if his wife really doesn't want to go into debt for him to experience perfect eyesight, it would be considerate to listen to her opinion. They should both be involved if it concerns household finances.

anyoldnameforathread · 15/06/2015 21:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Stripysecrets · 15/06/2015 21:44

I don't think they could though. They are both pensioners with no savings so it would be a real struggle to pay it back.

OP posts:
MaxPepsi · 15/06/2015 21:52

How old is he?
Now I have passed 40 this is exactly the procedure I want.
If he looks into it he is likely to get it for less than £2k.
A friend had it done last year, he 'went away to think about it' after about 3 months they'd reduced the price by more than £1k
Does anyone else in the family have shit eyesight?

Sconejamcream · 15/06/2015 21:55

No discussion needed - it would be no. How the hell can they repay it - you will be stuck with a 3k debt. Dont agree to it, but let MIL sort it out.

ChopOrNot · 15/06/2015 22:02

If he is likely to be wearing varifocal lenses for his glasses they can cost a pretty penny - I can spend £150- £300 every couple of years and not yet (thank god) on varifocal lenses. My cost will go up if when I do need them.

If he is still pretty young he could well spend a good £1-2K on glasses over the next 10-15 years. If he has the opportunity to have perfect vision I can totally understand it.

Keep out of it. Nothing to do with you.

EyesCrossedLegsAkimbo · 15/06/2015 22:33

Can he even get a credit card? My DD was denied a cc after two days of finishing work, so therefore not having a good enough income.

I'd stay out of it.

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/06/2015 22:44

Would I pay 3K to have perfect eyesight? Probably. The issue is that they don't have 3K so someone is going to be paying that and you think it won't be them. Will your DH end up paying it?

Fluffcake · 15/06/2015 22:51

Chances are he may still need glasses for reading eventually. I had laser eye surgery about 6 years ago as very short sighted. But now as I'm getting older, I'm having to told print further away.

Radiatorvalves · 15/06/2015 22:52

A friend of mine in her 40s had eye surgery, and tried to talk me into it. I am v shortsighted and didn't think it would be a good idea. Some years on she is having quite a few issues....there is no guarantee that FIL will get his perfect vision.

wheelycote · 15/06/2015 22:55

Getting older can be a wrotten business....eyesight is something that we take for granted and unless your loosing it are not really in a position to know how that affects them. I'd do it...if my vision was dire and someone said we can fix it...I'd do it. He probably understands he can't afford it and is working through a process of weighing up what's more important...

musicalendorphins2 · 16/06/2015 04:23

I think your mil should never have asked you to get involved. It is not a huge debt to have should he decide to go for it.

Canyouforgiveher · 16/06/2015 04:41

Unless he is going to ask you for money to pay for it, stay out of it. It is his business. Your MIL shouldn't expect you to get involved (I don't blame her wanting to vent to you though)

Silvercatowner · 16/06/2015 06:56

No guarantee of a good outcome even with very posh lenses and a private surgeon.

Tanaqui · 16/06/2015 07:44

How short sighted is he? The chance of perfect vision if he has worn glasses all his life- I would go into debt for that. Glasses are expensive anyway. But if he's only worn glasses since middle age, and they are the kind you can get for a few quid, then I wouldn't.

LayMeDown · 16/06/2015 07:55

I got laser eye surgery when I was 30 to correct the severe short sightness. It cost about €2,500 so your FIL cost seems excessive.
I can honestly say it changed my life. Unless you have lived with impaired vision you can not know how wonderful it is to have it corrected. I worried about the cost of course. I was a SAHM and DH had just started a new job. But knowing what I know now I'd have paid 4 times the amount. I wouldn't get involved. CC is not the best way to pay for it. But assuming he's a sensible enough man I'm sure he's considered how he'll repay it. They need to sort it between them.

Karoleann · 16/06/2015 08:03

Is it a bifocal/varifocal implant he wants?

Problem is that they don't work for everyone and as silver says there is no guarantees of a good outcome.

I'm an Optometrist and I wouldn't have a bifocal/varifocal IOL.

BridgeDweller · 16/06/2015 08:03

YANBU for thinking whatever you like. You would BU to express your opinions to FIL unless directly asked.

He's an adult and it's not your place to tell him how to live his life or how to run his budget. The best you can do is to tell MIL that and leave the two of them to sort it out between themselves.

Aridane · 16/06/2015 08:04

As others have said, yes, keep out of it - for your MIL to decide

But

For my mother in her 70s, this sort of operation was truly life changing for her _ and she still is thankful for the cataracts being the trigger for, the first time in her life, having perfect vision. And other friends who have had similar surgery - and couldn't readily afford it- still regard it as the best life decision they have made.

So, yes, have some sympathy for your FIL- but of course, it's for him and MIL to work through...